Why am I losing my Bestfriend??????

[trevty]

I have posted in the marriage and relationship part of the forum, but unfortunitly my marriage is Dead and we are separated (5 weeks now). I have been a total wreck since leaving the house and she has just been trying to get me to a point where she feels I am ok enough to take care of myself (she has to take care of everybody).

 

Last weekend she went away with a girlfriend to NASCAR races at Loudon NH. She told me that I could stay at the house while she was gone. I took this as an opportunity to do something really special and force the issue of where we are heading. I trimmed and painted our livingroom in her favorite color, cleaned the house from top to bottom, and made up a special welcome home package with her favorite things. It did not go well!

 

We talked in length about where we are and she has made it clear that other then our business (we own and run our own business together) and kids stuff (we have 5 kids in our blended family) she has no interest in dealing with me right now. She is very angry and all of my "take me back" crap has just made our situation worse. She said Monday that on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 be back together, she was a 5. Yesterday during our last blow out she said she is a 1.5 and if I don't get off her back she will be done trying at all!

 

Our's is a trust issue form my divorce and things that have snowballed over the years. She said yesterday that she needs her bestfriend back but can't do this one more day. I desided last night that other then at her request or call, I will not be around at all. Even though being away from the only person in my life that I have ever loved is killing me, I know she is almost gone because of the stress this is causing.

 

I have very few people I can talk to and have not been to counselling, we go together and apart, for 2 weeks, we go next Wednesday. I feel like my thoughts beat me up when there is no one to talk to. I lived and breathed our family and nothing else and now it is just me and my thoughts most of the time. It is clear that I am making her uncomfortable with the fact she doesn't think I am going to be ok or maybe hurt myself (even though I have said it would never happen).

 

I am in need of some sound advice, help, in getting thru this before I blow any chance (slim as they be) to get my friend back. I can not think about weather I am getting my wife back when my friend is almost gone.

 

HELP:(

[Yamaha]

if I don't get off her back she will be done trying at all!

 

I think she has given you what you must do. You need to be away from each other if being together is making things worse. If you have any chance at all in the future it will depend on wither she feels it is worth the effort. If she shuts down on you all is lost so don't pressure with gifts and nice gestures as she will see it as pressure. Play it is cool as you can and keep yourself busy.

[Gunny376]

Gunny = Gunnery Sergeant ! United States Marine Corps! Got it! Don't forget it!

 

SIT DOWN! SHUT UP! AND LISTEN!

 

1. Everything your gut tells you? Forget it!

 

2. Refernece Lady Janes do's and don't about splitting up / divorcing!

 

3. Reference anything by DGirl!

 

4. No romantic stuff!

 

5. No begging!

 

6. No pleading!

 

7. No whinnning!

 

8. No contact!

 

9. No wussing!

 

10. No pleading!

 

11. Grow a pair!

 

12. Check to see if you have a pair!

 

13. Let her go!

 

14. Be a man!

 

15. Learn what its like to be a man and still have your heart broke!

 

16. Learn that the only validation you need is from yourself!

 

17, Live your life for yourself! Not others ~ especially for women!

 

18. Understrand women are just as crazy as men!

 

19. If you're just in it for the sex ~ you're in it for the wrong reason!

 

20. Women aren't rational!

 

21. Women aren't always logical!

 

22. Women are sometimes crazy!

[Last Mohegan]

I'm a woman and I actually agree with Gunny... you may be trying to make sense of someone who, right now, is nonsensical... that sucks, I know. But, Gunny, I will say that Trevty does need to allow himself to grieve.... if you don't allow yourself that then its only going to surface later on... possible in another relationship.

 

Gunny = Gunnery Sergeant ! United States Marine Corps! Got it! Don't forget it!

 

SIT DOWN! SHUT UP! AND LISTEN!

 

1. Everything your gut tells you? Forget it!

 

2. Refernece Lady Janes do's and don't about splitting up / divorcing!

 

3. Reference anything by DGirl!

 

4. No romantic stuff!

 

5. No begging!

 

6. No pleading!

 

7. No whinnning!

 

8. No contact!

 

9. No wussing!

 

10. No pleading!

 

11. Grow a pair!

 

12. Check to see if you have a pair!

 

13. Let her go!

 

14. Be a man!

 

15. Learn what its like to be a man and still have your heart broke!

 

16. Learn that the only validation you need is from yourself!

 

17, Live your life for yourself! Not others ~ especially for women!

 

18. Understrand women are just as crazy as men!

 

19. If you're just in it for the sex ~ you're in it for the wrong reason!

 

20. Women aren't rational!

 

21. Women aren't always logical!

 

22. Women are sometimes crazy!

[rugbyrob1990]

How long were you married? and why did you seperate? Gunny gave great advice to me, everything he said is something I needed to hear. I'm going on 2 months now and I have to say it's getting somewhat easier. Can you give us more info so we can better help. :)

[trevty]

She asked me to leave and everything started over trust issues! She said even if I am not doing anything wrong, she cant live second guessing me. She is being counselled by 2 friends that are not helping. One, a man that wants to be her mother hen and know everything about her life and what she is doing. The other, a women who is a single mother of three boys that heads a book group which is really a man-hating group. Also, as of the past few days, her father has gotten into it. They have an EXTREMELY close relationship.

 

Bottom line for me right now is that I want to save this and she is nowhere near ready to even be friends. I made the foolish mistake of trying to call her yesterday and she let her voicemail get it. We have not spoken since Friday at 3pm and no matter what, I will not call again. The tuff part until we get to wherever the next step is trying to stay away. We will be working together tommorrow (if she comes and I didnt mess that up too) and I need to be able to deal with her. We need to talk business and finances. Wednesday we are going back to councelling and my fear at this point is that she is waiting until we get there to drop the "We are done" bomb.

[trevty]

Got a call from her and wound up going to the house for about 20 minutes. She wanted to show me the things her father had done around the house the past couple of days. We were ok with each other, but I could tell she was not really comfortable with me. She took down the cards and picture on the bedstands, she said on thursday after we fought, and told me that she was just cleaning up and put them away. Still sucked to see them gone!

 

Before I left I asked her to not wait until our session to hit me with a bomb only to have her say she is not going and will see how things go for me and may go in the future.

 

It is all very strange. She still does not want me to sign a 1 year lease on an apartment, but wants me to get my own place. I asked if she thought we could every be together again and she told we still had a small chance. She was not upset about me calling yesterday, just didn't call back because of a headache and her father being there most of the day.

 

What I realize is that while I want this women so badly, day by day that feeling of hopelessness becomes less and less. I am very upset with all that I have had to endure while being away from home and find myself needing the answer to these questions, PLEASE ANSWER THEM FOR ME:

 

1. How do you rebuild a relationship that has taken such a beating?

 

2. If I know she is double timing the housework and life in general and isn't starting anything with anyone else, how do I act normal and not scare her away?

[whichwayisup]

1. How do you rebuild a relationship that has taken such a beating?

You can't. Unless BOTH people involved want to make it work. Seems she isn't sure what she wants. And to be honest, I really believe she wants to see what life will be like without you in it. To see how she feels, if she can survive on her own.

 

It must be an awful place for you to be in, waiting ... And still wanting, loving her. All I can say is patience is virtue, but sadly, I can't say what the outcome is in your situation Trev.

 

Take each day as it comes and try your best to 'act' detached around her. No personal discussions unless SHE brings it up.

 

2. If I know she is double timing the housework and life in general and isn't starting anything with anyone else, how do I act normal and not scare her away?

 

Are you sure she isn't starting anything up with anyone else?

 

One, a man that wants to be her mother hen and know everything about her life and what she is doing

 

Well, because of this man, who is showing ALOT of attention towards her, that's dangerous. Even if she isn't telling you, she still could be interested. Which makes me think WHY IS SHE SO WARY of trusting you. It's almost like SHE is the one who is breaking the trust, which then she reflects it upon you, like you're doing something wrong or behind her back. I don't know...

[Lor]

She is being counselled by 2 friends that are not helping. One, a man that wants to be her mother hen and know everything about her life and what she is doing. The other, a women who is a single mother of three boys that heads a book group which is really a man-hating group. Also, as of the past few days, her father has gotten into it. They have an EXTREMELY close relationship.

 

Oh boy. Her close male friend.......hmmm.....I had one of those during our breakup.....he was my best friend, I could tell him anything....

 

He turned out to be a liar, a sneek, a backstabber to me and my H (we were both friends with him) and the sob ended up coming on to me.

 

Wish you didn't have to go thru this but you're not alone. We're all here for you!! Pick and choose your advice--we've all got plenty to go around.

 

follow Gunny's advice--its true no matter how hard to do. She doesn't want you in her life? Fine, get one of your own!!

[Gunny376]

Whoever cares the less and has the least amount of emotional investment controls the other person and the relationship. That's just psych 101. Guess who that is? Let me help you out with that one ~ its not you!

 

Until you can regain your control over your emotions, (all of them, to include anger, bitterness, resentment, helplessness, etc) and regain your self discipline, alieveate your neediness, clingliness, and desperatiion to this woman ~ you have zero chance of pulling this back together.

 

You've got to reduce your contact with her to net zero, or as little as possible. Why? Because in part its your desperation, your neediness, your clingliness that's in no small part that driving her away. You're smoothering her with it, and she can't breath because of it. You're like a drowing man grasping at straws. You're in negative-g emotional downward spirial just like a Messersmight 109 that just got shot down ove England. Its quickly taking on a life of its own, feeding upon itself, out of control. Listen to Johnny Cash's song, "Ring of Fire" you've heard it a million times I'm sure ~ but it is this very thing that he's singing about.

 

This roller coaster of mixed emotions is manic depressive. You're up one minute, and down the next. It drives wuss behavior one second and over macho the next. No one wants to be around someone like that.

 

Time and time and time again survey's have asked women: "If you had to choose one thing that describes what attracts you to a man what would it be?" Its one thing ~ confidence. The confidence to stand up to anything and to face any challenge, anytime, anywhere and come through.

 

You've lost your confidence my friend. You've lost yourself! You've lost your center. You've got to get yourself together, and get your head and azz wired back together before you can ever hope to be with her or any other woman.

 

Your desperate and women can smell desperation on a man ~ and they find it un-appealing and repulsive. I know your only human ~ but your also a man. A woman is not attract to a weak-minded man.

 

We all go through trials and tribulations. The difference to women for us men is not that we go through hard times, but how we react to them, and what we do about them.

 

You take to different men, and given them the same trials. One goes South with it, sits around wringing his hands, worrying, whinning, crying, feeling sorry for himself, whoooo is me!

 

The other, gets up and gets busy doing what he can about the situation ~ he takes action. He gets PO'd. He may fail in the end, but he fights the best fight he can. He was a man about it.

 

Don't send flowers, poems, and other romantic stuff. Don't try to talk to her, it won't work. You can't convince a woman to love you. You can't talk your way into a woman's pants either. The traditonal love letters, poems, and other romantic stuff don't work ~ that's what all the other guys are doing. She doesn't want just any guy.

 

You're back beyond square one with this woman ~ because you don't have your act together, and until you get it together you have zero chance with her. Get your head together, your act together, adn then start back at square one, as though you just meet her ~ whcih means you've got to regain her trust. Problem is that you once had that ~ and now you've lost it, and so now to regain it is going to require 10X's the effort, because her "anti-sucker" defense has gone up. The wires are up, mannned and mined.

 

You've got to go NC, because your negative emotions are feeding off of her. Which feeds your insecurities, and then it just sprials around and feeds on itself.

 

You've got to "man up" here Dude!

 

Read ilmw thread. He's gone from where you're at to where you need to be, and you've got a long road ahead of you.

[JamesM]

Okay, I didn't go thru the whole last post, but I think after having read all of your posts, I agree with him.

 

One comment I will make is that you relationship began with lies...as you now know this defitely comes back to haunt those who start affairs. I am sure that both were unhappy before, but wiser heads would have waited until both relationships ended. Having said that, BOTH are just as fault. You need not take full blame for all of the lies. She lied to your wife as you did by secretly having an affair.

 

Back off her. She sounds like she will come back if you get some backbone and get on with life. And do that in appearances. But be honest with her about everything you are doing. She doesn't need to feel that you are hiding anything.

 

Don't keep hanging on her every word hoping for "I love You." She sounds like she is still interested, but she could easily go the other way. Or she sounds interested because she doesn't want to hurt you. Either one seems to be that you should start life without her. If she wants to come back, let her.

 

I am thinking on your situation...just don't have time to post more.