he left me..

[ALLALONEAT35]

i HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS. Me and my husband do not have any children together, however I have 3 and he has 2. Over the years we have had are struggles. Especially with disciplining the kids. My kids live with us, his lived with his ex. We really didnt see his kids very much. Welll thru the struggles we have been able to make are marriage survive. I can admit it was hard for me. He lacked the complete man thing, he is very selfish. It always seemed like I was doing all the work in the relationship. I felt alone alot, wishing we were able to communicate better, but he wasnt a talker. I have always been very talkative. I would say he pushed me away more then bring us together.

 

Well to make my story short.. 8 months ago his kids came to live with us, his ex got the kids taken from her because of drug problem. The kids have been thru alot. I welcomed the kids into my home, moved my kids over to make room for his kids. I tried to set rules for his kids (something they were not use too).

 

But my husband felt guilty I guess for not being able to protect the kids from the situations the ex put them thru. To be honest, he knew she had a drug problem, seen the kids and her move from house to house being evicted. He did not do anything.. I would always say you should get the kids, but he really didnt seem interested. So I guess I felt like if he didnt care why should I.

 

Life at our house seemed ok at first, but as time went on it felt like we had 2 different families in the house. Mine and His. Let me give you an example: He would make dinner for his kids and there wouldnt be enough for everyone else. Hmm, he would take his kids out for dinner and forget about everyone else in the house. Hmmm, he would let his kid play video games from the time he waked up to the time he went to bed. It just seem like the rules didnt apply to his kids, and my kids were being pushed to the back burner, just as thought he didnt even care about them.

 

I struggled with the feeling of a two family household. I hated it. But I love my husband, so I would try even harder to make things work. But it didnt seem to matter. We started to fight more and more. I felt like his daughter could manuplate him to do anything. His daughter wasnt to happy living here, she felt like she lived in a prison, because there was rules, chores, etc.

 

The more we would fight the more I would suggest maybe you should move out. Not hoping he would do it. I guess all I wanted him to do is recognize what I do for him, how much I love him, how much I loved his kids, how much I really wanted our marriage to work. I tried real hard to make him and the kids happy. I really did try hard. I was hurting myself thought because no matter what I did it wasnt good enough.

 

Well on the 4th of july, I helped him move out with his kids into his mothers house. Ive cried almost every night since. Confused. Wishing I could take back the things maybe I did wrong. Wishing he was home with me. I have been calling him, going to see him, making love to him. But no matter what I do it isnt making him want to come home. He does not call me nor does he come over. He still has some stuff here, but seems to think its ok the stuff is here until he wants to pick it up.

 

I just dont know what to do, I am lost without him, I can even talk to people. I dont even feel like going out and meeting new people. I just cant stop thinking about us as a couple the good stuff. Over and over in my head. Wishing he would just come home.

 

Please help me, I am so confused, lost, alone....

[blind_otter]

You both have a lot of stuff to work through before it would be wise for him to return home. And you can't make him come home, even if you want to. If he isn't willing to meet your needs, and he can't accept the new, blended family, there's not much you can do. You know the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

 

I know you feel really upset but you do have to hold it together and be strong, if not for you, then as a good example for your kids on how to deal appropriately with emotionally troubling situations. I do this thing where I clean my house a lot when I'm upset. It's better than moping.

 

I really encourage you to seek out some counseling if you can manage it. I hope you feel better soon.

[RecordProducer]

Some day you'll celebrate the 4th of July as the Independence Day!

 

My ex-husband and I split because of his daughter. He left me (and our two sons). I was devastated, I wanted him back, and I could conceive how such a "great" relationship could be broken all of a sudden.

 

It took me a couple years to get over him, to realize that I was never really happy with him,a nd he was definitely not the right guy for me. I met a guy... then another guy. I got re-married and my new husband adores my kids; we're very happy together. My ex is a total loser and I feel so sorry for him.

 

Some day you'll realize that it was much easier for you to get over him than to struggle with constant problems for the rest of your life. You'll be grateful to him for leaving you when you meet the right guy. You feel old, right? I felt like my life was over at age 25!

 

P.S. I was also visiting him when he left me... He was leaving and coming back a few times. But once it starts, it ends in a divorce.

[ALLALONEAT35]

you know everyone Ive talked to says you well find someone who will love you more then he and love your kids too. Right now I cant even think about finding that special person. This is the hardest thing I have had to do, is let him go. I am trying so hard not to call him and not to go see him. As time passes, it just seems like I never really existed in his life. I often wonder if there is another women. But then I think, he lives with his mom and doesnt seem interested in getting his own place. Hmmm, I guess you can say he has it made, no bills, a babysitter, no responsiblities.

 

I hate these feelings I have. I am seeing a counselor to help me through this, and I did ask my doctor for a antidrepressant pill. It seems to help. But it doesnt change how I am feeling, alone, missing him, wishing he would just come home.

 

thanks for listening

[blind_otter]

Please continue to share if you need to. Don't think about finding another man, that would be a mistake, just work on you and being happy with yourself for noe. Everything is much too new. Part of being upset about this, I think, is that your life was stable (relatively) and now you are in a constant flux, changing, adjusting to your new circumstances. But change is good. It brings new opportunities. It opens doors that never would have been open before.

[tessbenevento]

not sure whether this will comfort you in any way, but in the spirit of 'postsecret' (postsecret.blogspot.com) and other anonymous therapeutic sites, i have launched letterstomyex.blogspot.com ....

 

the point of the blog is to allow the hurt, confused, mournful, the neglected, devastated and frustrated, to vent their feelings through the process of letter writing. i have received a couple of submissions already. it is entirely anonymous, and, at least for me, so far--I lost my mother in the process of trying to save my marriage--creating the project has assuaged some of the pain.

 

sometimes getting it all out is the only way to heal.

[RecordProducer]

Right now I cant even think about finding that special person. This is the hardest thing I have had to do, is let him go. I am trying so hard not to call him and not to go see him. As time passes, it just seems like I never really existed in his life.

Good morning! Don't you think the rest of us who went through separation felt EXACTLY the same as you?! We all thought we'd never find anyone else and our lives were over.

 

 

I often wonder if there is another women. But then I think, he lives with his mom and doesnt seem interested in getting his own place. Hmmm, I guess you can say he has it made, no bills, a babysitter, no responsiblities.

My case was the same, he moved in with his parents and they took care of his daughter and meals and laundry, but you know what - he ended up alone and not really happy.

 

I can't even imagine being married to him now and that's how you will feel in a year or two.

 

I hate these feelings I have. I am seeing a counselor to help me through this, and I did ask my doctor for a antidrepressant pill. It seems to help.

Antidepresants are for treatment of clinical depression. You are just sad because of your separation. You shouldn't take antidepressants. In the long run, they will do much more damage to your body than the pain from the separation. Every time you swallow that pill, you're ruining a part of your health permanently. It's with all pills actually, but in some cases the damage of not taking a medication is greater than the damage of taking it. However not in your case, unless you have serious suicidal thoughts or have become an irresponsible mother or tend to drink excessively or do drugs.

 

I know, I know, you don't care about your health right now...

[Last Mohegan]

RC, I also agree that once the leaving and coming back starts, it ends in divorce. But some couples seperate multiple times and continue try breathing life into a corpse... I guess that's just fear?? Or maybe the "ending in divorce" could take years to happen. I don't have the answer, but I do think its a snowball effect unless there is radical change.

 

But once it starts, it ends in a divorce.

[RecordProducer]

RC, I also agree that once the leaving and coming back starts, it ends in divorce. But some couples seperate multiple times and continue try breathing life into a corpse... I guess that's just fear?? Or maybe the "ending in divorce" could take years to happen. I don't have the answer, but I do think its a snowball effect unless there is radical change.

You are right, I was talking about my experience, I don't really know the statistics.

 

I remember when a friend of my mom told her: "Your son in law left your daughter once? He will leave FOREVER some day."

[ALLALONEAT35]

I feel like my mother inlaw is making life to easy for him, and he just might not miss me at all. I cant imagine being married to someone and living so far apart. Its hard, yesterday I went to the movies with a girlfriend, all I wanted to do is talk about him, him and more him. She probably thought I was crazy. How do you move forward in life without looking back?

 

When my husband left me, he gave me all these excuses, like:

 

1 I want to raise my kids in a better neighborhood

2 I want my kids to go to a better school

3 I dont need him anymore, his kids need him more

4 Besides we do alot of things without each other

5 I dont want a divorce

 

When I ask him a question about us, all he can say is I dont know, I just dont get how he just doesnt know how he feels. I know the few times we have been together, it felt like we were still a couple. The hardest part was when I had to leave to go home, I remeber saying to him, lets go, and hes says where, I said home.

 

The part about his kids having a nicer life, hmm, I see the mother inlaw taking care of the kids, not him. He can come and go. Doesnt have to worry about meals, what they are doing, or anything. Another thing, I see he is buying the kids love. Which doesnt make since to me, mainly because we have raised my kids to work for you have and to take care of it. He just seems to be throwing the money their way, especially to his daughter. Hmm, doesnt make sense to me.

 

Its kinda of double stander, dont you think. Here I am working my butt off trying to pay our bills why he gets to spend his money in anyway he wants, without thinking. hmm, must be nice.

 

People keep telling me life well get easier in time, but why does it seem to be getting harder. Maybe I am doing it to myself, but I just dont get it or him. The last time I did see him, he told me he loved me, but the next day when I talked to him, I said I love you at the end of our converstation he said I know or ok, he said something that threw me. I remeber hanging up thinking, he just doesnt love me anymore. I became more upset and hurt. I told myself I wasnt going to call him, or go see him, just to see if he would really miss me, well lets say its Sunday and the last time I talked to him was Wednesday. Ouch what a real reality check. He just doesnt care about me or my kids anymore. Damn, I wished I could of did something different.

[tonyp56]

Best thing I can tell you is to take a deep breath and close your eyes and imagine a better place and time without him. I know that is hard because it has been so long since you've been together, but you can remember something good before he became apart of your life if you try hard enough.

 

The truth is, it does get better, but it doesn't go from bad to great over night, and it doesn't get there in one straight shot. There are up's and down's, like a roller-coaster. It will get a little better, then worse again, better, and worse. Back and forth it will go until one day the ups are great, and the downs are OK, but no longer horrible, or unbarrable (this is where I am at now). Beyond this, look at divorced couples that have been divorced for a few years, and you will see that eventually the divorced couples pull so far apart that they no longer are apart of each others lives. No longer think of each other, because their lives have now been separate for so long, they live apart, and they don't think of each other anymore.

 

Continue counselling, but don't expect to take a giant leap tomorrow, it happens in small steps. You'll get better, and you'll learn how to live without your ex, but it will take time. Now, does this mean that there is no chance of you getting back with your ex? I'd say there is always a chance, but you've got to be realistic and know that your chance is probably less than 1%. So why concern yourself with that, if your ex is going to want you back, it isn't going to happen now anyways, so why not get out, and do something that makes you happy, without your ex. And if your ex comes knocking later, you can decide then what to do, but why worry about it now.

 

Stop expecting to get over him over night, and in fact, don't worry about getting over him, just worry about your kids and about yourself. Why care what he does or doesn't right now, just worry about your life and the life of your kids.

 

Good luck, and I wish you happiness,