Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 We have been together 4 months, now he wants to switch it to first gear because he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone - doesn't want the obligation that comes with being a boyfriend. He was with someone for 12 years and from what he has told me, it was rocky all the way. Now he says he doesn't want to get that close to someone. But in another breath, he tells me how much he cares about me and if we can just start it out again slow, maybe we can build from what we have - that neither of us can tell what the future may hold. He understands that I will date others and he the same (although he says he doesn't even have time to devote to me, let alone a bunch of other women!) Tonight he told me that I occupy most of his thoughts and he needs some time to start thinking about something besides me. (he has some life/work/home improvement/money issues to deal with.) Should I be patient and try to let him work these things out? He wants more space between us right now - not talking and seeing each other every day. I fear it is the beginning of the end, and I told him that. I said I was afraid it was going to be all downhill from here. He disagreed and said it is a chance for us to start slower. I have a knack for finding guys who do not want relationships. Should I run away from this one, or keep dating him while still keeping my eyes open for someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Howdy- Is there any distance in this relationship? In other words is it a long-distance relationship? Sounds like the role I've played ina couple long-distance relations. Sadly the men never had the guts to tell me when it wasn't working. Girl, sound like timing is bad. He says not going to be a boyfriend, you say you are looking for a boyfriend. Keep looking sweetheart you both know you deserve that, and he is a good man to be honest. Hopefully in near future he will wake up and recognize a good thing. In the mean time girl, do you and if it works out in the future great! But now is the present and time is fleeting--enjoy life! Keep ya' head up! -E Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 . (he has some life/work/home improvement/money issues to deal with.) who doesn't? Should I be patient and try to let him work these things out? If you think its worth it, then yes. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Well, 12 years is a long time to be with someone - how long has it been since they stopped seeing each other? He might not want to get into something serious if the break-up was relatively recent. It would make sense that he'd want some time to just date for a while without getting heavily involved. Also, what caused the actual break-up? Was she pushing for a commitment? Was the rockiness caused by his commitment phobia? Not talking every day, and not seeing each other every day really isn't a big deal. I, personally, think that's way too much unless you're living together or married, but maybe I'm a little commitment phobic myself. I think it really comes down to the dating other people issue. Could you handle it if you knew he had taken someone else out on a date? Multiple dates? If you can't handle that, then it's probably better not to see him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 i guess it is better not to see him at all. I have been crying so hard for over an hour. he called today to tell me he has a friend coming to visit for the weekend, a girl, who he has sex with whenever they see each other. They haven't seen each other in a year, so he will probably have sex with her this weekend. omg, how cruel. how heartless, how insensitive. he said he wanted to be honest with me. but i can't handle this kind of honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 No, you CAN handle this honesty. You can because it allows you to extricate yourself from a really bad sounding relationship. Be grateful he said this to your face, instead of lying and doing it behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Author Share Posted July 22, 2006 now you sound like him. he thinks it is OK because he told me and didn't sneak around about it. Considering the wonderful conversation we had last night, i don't understand how he could have held back this little piece of information - that he is having sex with someone else. I just called and left this ****ing crying ass message begging him not to do this to us. What an idiot I am. in answer to other question, we only live 10 miles from each other. and according to him, she was crazy jealous and controlling. They have been broken up for 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Diver012 Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 My Ex was married for 10 years. It was a bad ending. She never really recovered from it. She did say that she didnt date for 3 years afterwards, but has not been able to hold a relationship since. I think the underlying problem is that she went back several times to make the marriage work, dragging her daughter along the entire way kicking and screaming, and in the end it didnt work. I think she did massive damage to her self esteem and has severe guilt issues as a result. Now from my perspective, being biased of course. , she is commitment phobic, and wants to put no real effort into a relationship. Point im trying to make is, if this guy of yours hasnt dealt with the issues caused by this 12 year relationship, then I wouldnt waste my time on it. I would drop it completely and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 He is asking for space to see if his feelings for you are true. So give him breathing room, make plans with your friends and don't be afraid to date. If its meant to be the time apart will be good for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 i don't have a problem with the dating. it is the sex part I have a problem with. I don't want to be with someone that cheapens what we had together but doing it with random girls. Link to post Share on other sites
stronggirl Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 i don't have a problem with the dating. it is the sex part I have a problem with. I don't want to be with someone that cheapens what we had together but doing it with random girls. this guy sounds like a total flake.....you can do so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
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