Is it worth my efforts?

[MendedWing]

A little background...I met my husband online 6 years ago. We now are married with a 5 year old daughter and a 6 month old son. A little over 2 months ago, completely out of nowhere he starts acting strange and then decides to leave. He said he just felt closterphobic and unhappy. I don't know if he was having an affair before leaving, but very quickly I find out he is in a new relationship. She's 4 months pregnant with another guys baby. (Or so he swears on our children's lives) At first he wanted a divorce immediately. He knew for sure! Then, it was a no hurry situation. Now, he has begun calling again often, coming over to the house whenever he can, and we have even slept together 3 times. He said that he wants to come home...that he misses me and the kids, but he also cares for the other woman he is living with right now deeply. He says that they just don't have the history and bond that the two of us have...but all the same he doesn't want to hurt her, and asks that I give him time.

I have had this turned around on me and have gone from the betrayed wife to the Other woman now, and as much as I feel guilty for doing everything in my power to get him back, I feel like I am not at fault. I love him so deeply, and since he left I have gone into severe depression, lost about 20 pounds and cry all the time. I want him back, I can't help that, but I am so scared to death that he will come back because it's what he is comfortable with instead of it being what he really wants...and if I have to deal with him carrying on an emotional connection to the other woman, it will just devastate me. We've discussed this all, and he has been incredibly honest with me about their relationship since I found out about it, almost too honest. Some things are much better left unsaid! He tells me that she cries every time he says he is coming over here to see the kids because she knows that I try to convince him to stay. I know it bothers him to be hurting two women. He is what is commonly referred to as a cake eater on the infidelity board. A man who has his cake and eats it too...but I don't really think he is getting off on hurting either one of us. I think that he is deeply torn between the two of us. He told me that his feelings change every day...that one day he knows for sure that he wants to be home again, and the next day, he is confused and undecided again, but he said he has never had that feeling that he knows for SURE that he wants to be there. They've only been together for a couple of months though, and their relationship is still in that butterflies stage where they are both saying and doing all the right things to make eachother happy. We have history, both good and BAD. I don't know how to compete with her...or if I should even be trying. He just keeps asking that I give him time, and tells me that everything will work out in the end. But, I see no end to this. I don't know how long he could possibly drag this on, or how long I can take it before losing my mind. All I do know is that I love him, and have no desire or ability to give up and move on, but I don't want to be the fall back girl, second best, the old comfy worn in shoe, or any of those other things. I want him to come running back open arms and completely regretful of ever having left in the first place. I believe he loves me, but he does not love me like I love him.

[garnet]

well, first of all, I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. But honestly, I simply cannot believe that you would tolerate this person treating you this way. He is completely disrespecting you and your marriage, and you're letting him walk all over you. So, in answer to your question, yes, you are wasting your time. If I were you, I would stand up for myself as soon as possible. Having respect for yourself is more important than anything, and it's the only way anyone else will truly respect you. There's a great book called Tough Love that talks about this kind of thing...I would highly recommend it to you. Good luck.

[norajane]

Take his cake away, sweets...that might un-confuse him a bit when he's faced with living with his OW without you to turn to whenever he gets 'confused'.

 

Perhaps when the reality sets in that he's actually left his wife and children for a woman who's carrying another man's child, he'll see things more clearly. You're making it far, far too easy on him. Save your compassion for your children and for yourself.