uneasy about spouses friend

[Guest]

Hi. I was just wondering if i could get some advice on a situation that I have found myself in. My spouse, whom I trust fully, has a friend of the opposite sex that I feel completely uncomfortable around. They used to be better friends, but since we've been seeing eachother have not really been talking, but i'm afraid because recently a new living situation has made the likelihood of them seeing eachother much higher. It's not that I have a problem with my spouse having friends of the opposite sex, but this person bothers me because a close friend of mine, who is also very accepting, has said many bad things about this friend, which is both not like her to say about someone and alarmin.

 

I know I shouldn't get so worked up about this, my spouse says this friend means nothing and would never be able to take my place, but i guess it makes me insecure because this person is so rude to me, which bothers me the most. The friend has an over the top greeting for my spouse, asking for hugs and what not, and then refuses to even acknowledge im standing there, as if i dont exist. Its just plain wrong and i know i shouldnt get upset because i have the greatest spouse ever and they never do anything wrong and i dont want to be a controlling spouse or anything but i really dont want to have my spouse visiting this living situation because it makes me very uneasy, and i dont know what to do.

 

i know this is very long and if you managed to make it to the end, i commend you for your patience. If you have any advice on how to maybe channel my negative thoughts in a more positive way, that would be helpful, or if anyone just has been in a similiar situation and has any advice, i would be very grateful to hear it.

[Walk]

You've talked to your spouse about how you feel? What did he (she) say?

 

Does your spouse see how this "friend" treats you, and what does your spouse say regarding that?

[Guest]

My spouse admits that it happens but doesn't really say anything about it one way or the other, claiming that's just the way it is. I've said that it bothers me, but my spouse just seems to put it to the side without really trying to find a resolution that will put me at ease.

[MsPiggy]

WOW, you're a much better woman than I. The first couple times I would let it slide but not more than that!! I find it INCREDIBLY disrespectful of her to be soo affectionate and friendly with your spouse and having the nerve to ignore u in the process.

 

Would you consider talking to her yourself? Make it VERY CLEAR to your spouse that you do not feel comfortable with her behavior and how would it make him feel if the tables were turned....

 

You're being a bigger adult than I would've been. I would intervene mid-hug and probably say "enough". HI, I'm "SPOUSE". How are you??

 

I honestly don't think you should let her/him continue to ignore your feelings on this. UNACCEPTABLE in my book!!

[beach]

WOW, you're a much better woman than I. The first couple times I would let it slide but not more than that!! I find it INCREDIBLY disrespectful of her to be soo affectionate and friendly with your spouse and having the nerve to ignore u in the process.

 

Would you consider talking to her yourself? Make it VERY CLEAR to your spouse that you do not feel comfortable with her behavior and how would it make him feel if the tables were turned....

 

You're being a bigger adult than I would've been. I would intervene mid-hug and probably say "enough". HI, I'm "SPOUSE". How are you??

 

I honestly don't think you should let her/him continue to ignore your feelings on this. UNACCEPTABLE in my book!!

 

 

Just making mental note that NOWHERE does this poster indicate that he/she is a woman... could be the hubby actually.....

 

Are you a woman or a man?

[MsPiggy]

Well I obviously made the assumption is was a woman. I can't see a man getting all giddy and asking for hugs. If it is a man acting this way then I think they have nothing to worry about because this man is interested in the same sex, lol.

 

I could be wrong but I thought the purpose of these threads was to give advice. I'LL keep a mental note of THAT. Thanks

[Guest]

Thank you Ms Piggy for your advice. It just feels good to know that I'm not crazy. And your assumption was correct! I've told my spouse that it makes me uncomfortable and basically he understands and thinks its rude of her, and insists that this is normal behavior and I shouldn't take it personally.

 

I really wonder how someone can be friends with someone that is so obviously mean, ( I mean is it really that hard to say hello?), but I guess I don't want to be too controlling and say I wish you didn't see so and so anymore because I dont want my spouse to end up resenting me, especially since he hasn't really done anything wrong. I hate feeling like this, but I'm trying to not think about it too much, because besides telling my spouse how I feel, what else could I really do?

 

I'm trying to avoid having stupid fights that most people have in their relationships as hard as I can, but I guess it's inevitable to run into situations that will annoy me and make me go crazy. I've decided that it might be better to just adopt the old saying "don't get mad, get even". That sounds worse than it really is I think, but it makes me feel better somehow.

 

Well I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your comments and definently look forward to reading more. This sight has been very helpful for me, I know everyone falls into the same problems in their relationships but this sight makes you realize that your not alone in your craziness and I think that's truly a gift.

[Guest]

Oh yes, I just wanted to add that I'm afraid if I get too upset about this it might cause my spouse to lie to me, you know "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I think I'd rather know what's going on than not, because I would eventually find out and then I would be like "well why did you hide it?" and automatically assume that something went on, even if he claimed that he just did it to spare me my feelings.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Always beware of the "good friend" of your spouse, who completely excludes you. That goes twice is your spouse will not acknowledge that there is a problem, or tries to act like you are overreacting.

 

You need to have another talk with your spouse. It sounds like this person is a destructive force in your relationship. Is this person someone your spouse considers to be a "confidant"? If so, and if this person treats you like dirt, this is a very bad thing.

[cuckhold]

Guest - uneasy about spouses friend,

 

Regardless of whether the author is male or female, they described a situation I was in with my wife of 25 years, and her "friend" of the opposite sex whom I now know to be her adulterous lover of 2 1/2 years. He is/was a close at hand neighbor - 10 years younger than me, who lives 2 or 3 houses down from us and was constantly being invited over by my wife to fix my kids bikes, my garage door, etc. when I was "too busy" to do so (according to my wife).

 

I too, was VERY uncomfortable about the way the two of them interacted either in or outside of my presence. I often expressed my concern about him to her, and I was often laughed at and smirked at as being jealous and told not to worry "He's just a friend". I stood my ground and continued to express concern each time there were instances where it was not appropriate for them to be together. The lies and deceit continued until (EXTREMELY LONG STORY SHORT) I finally gained enough tangible evidence to get her to admit to her affair.

 

Even then it took a number of "interventions", including threats and ultimatums (which my wife blew 2 or 3 times), before she would actually stop the affair.

 

We are still together 6 months now after the last intervention and ultimatum. We have been through marriage and individual counseling but I still harbor strong resentment over this, and struggle daily with staying married to her after what she has done to our marriage and family.

 

I say watch this situation CLOSELY. DO NOT BE BAMBOOZLED by all the lies and deceit you are likely to encounter if this in fact an affair your spouse is having. Look for clues and evidence EVERYWHERE you can - mobile phone records, emails, credit card receipts, etc. Dont let you spouse make you feel guilty by asking questions of whereabouts if you have suspicions in that area. They will do everything they can to deflect blame and lie to hide being caught. I wanted to believe the lies I heard - I think that denial contributed GREATLY to the length of time the affair went on. Afterward, my wife had the gall to accuse me of not moving quickly enough toward discovering her affair, that she was wanting to get caught so she could "escape" the affair - yeah right...!

 

I wish you well on this, and pray for the best.

 

The Cuckhold

[The Cuckhold]

Guest - uneasy about spouses friend,

 

Regardless of whether the author is male or female, they described a situation I was in with my wife of 25 years, and her "friend" of the opposite sex whom I now know to be her adulterous lover of 2 1/2 years. He is/was a close at hand neighbor - 10 years younger than me, who lives 2 or 3 houses down from us and was constantly being invited over by my wife to fix my kids bikes, my garage door, etc. when I was "too busy" to do so (according to my wife).

 

I too, was VERY uncomfortable about the way the two of them interacted either in or outside of my presence. I often expressed my concern about him to her, and I was often laughed at and smirked at as being jealous and told not to worry "He's just a friend". I stood my ground and continued to express concern each time there were instances where it was not appropriate for them to be together. I would make hints of impropriety and innuendo of wrong doing as well as outright accusations of her being at his house when she should not have been. But that wasnt enought to stop her. The lies and deceit continued until (EXTREMELY LONG STORY SHORT) I finally gained enough tangible evidence to get her to admit to her affair.

 

Even then it took a number of "interventions", including threats and ultimatums (which my wife blew 2 or 3 times), before she would actually stop the affair.

 

We are still together 6 months now after the last intervention and ultimatum. We have been through marriage and individual counseling but I still harbor strong resentment over this, and struggle daily with staying married to her after what she has done to our marriage and family.

 

I say watch this situation CLOSELY. DO NOT BE BAMBOOZLED by all the lies and deceit you are likely to encounter if this in fact an affair your spouse is having. Look for clues and evidence EVERYWHERE you can - mobile phone records, emails, credit card receipts, etc. Dont let you spouse make you feel guilty by asking questions of whereabouts if you have suspicions in that area. They will do everything they can to deflect blame and lie to hide being caught. I wanted to believe the lies I heard - I think that denial contributed GREATLY to the length of time the affair went on. Afterward, my wife had the gall to accuse me of not moving quickly enough toward discovering her affair, that she was wanting to get caught so she could "escape" the affair - yeah right...!

 

I wish you well on this, and pray for the best.

 

The Cuckhold

 

Guest - uneasy about spouses friend,

 

The Cuckhold here again...

 

I just wanted to clarify my point here, being - "Trust but VERIFY". Believe the best in your Spouse, but - Dont let down your guard!!

 

I certainly dont want to imply that your spouse IS having an affair with this person, just because my wife WAS having an affair under seemingly similar circumstances you described.

 

We can all tell that you Love your husband and dont want your marriage to be even more impacted this incident - but it already has been impacted WAY TOO MUCH - at least to the point you would seek the advice of well-meaning strangers. And yes, things could get worse, much worse.

 

Your concerns over this situation are valid yet you are treading VERY lightly, not wanting to rock the boat. You are wavering and pondering as to what might damage your marriage and/or relationship with him worse: you finding out he is in fact having an affair or having him resent you for unfounded suspicion. As a spouse who thought his wife was saintly, and his marriage was stellar, loving, rock solid, and eternal - there has been nothing in my life worse than finding out my wife was having an affair!.

 

I wish I had addressed this issue head on with my wife MUCH earlier and MUCH more assertively early on when I first became suspicious.

 

So you HAVE TO find out for yourself whether there is any fire in that smoke that is burning your eyes right now.

 

Bottom Line: Do it tactfully, and through direct communications with him, but you HAVE to validate whether or not this "friend" is more than that. Dont think that just because they have done a good job of being honest and up front with you in the past that your spouse will CONTINUE to do so - especially if he's involved in an affair. My wife lied her face off and made me believe it because I WANTED TO. If your suspicions lead you to even greater concern and suspicions - dont be afraid to ask outright, "Are you having an affair with so and so?"

 

Of course it could be that your spouse is just the victim of a very rude and insensitive "friend". But it just doesnt seem that he even TRIES to stay at arms length of this "friend" - rather he rationalizes and perhaps enjoys the attention. (I still dont understand this "Living arrangement" you keep alluding to, that in itself may be creating problems and inappropriate opportunities for the two of them).

 

Regardless, you should let him know CLEARLY and FREQUENTLY (as needed) how that interaction between them in your presence makes you feel, and FIRMLY state your expectations that he not let it happen - at all, ever again. A good husband would find a way to make that stop, after making the right choice as to whom needs to have toes stepped on - wife or "friend".

 

If taking the issue up more assertively with your Spouse still gets you no relief, the take it up with "Friend", tell Friend how you feel and ask them to cease and desist the huggy stuff with your Spouse.

 

If it still keeps happening - then I think you got a problem...

 

I absolutely want this to turn out to be a non-issue for you ala NO AFFAIR. But I can tell that you wont relax much until you know one way or 'tuther. I support you undertaking the necessary overt AND covert (cloak and dagger ops) to figure it out once and for all.

 

Keep us posted.

 

The Cuckhold

[MsPiggy]

Guest. The cuckhold makes some EXCELLENT points. You should definitely stand up for how you feel and not ignore your feelings to avoid "rocking the boat".

 

 

Good Luck and keep us posted!!