Married man interested

[Outcast]

Intersting that this

that you only feel good if you consider yourself higher than other people.

 

comes from the exact person who just a paragraph before said this

 

why don't you ask somebody how they really feel instead of putting your interpretation on things.

 

Now how's about you practice what you preach and quit ragging on me? I seriously disagree with people who encourage people to get into affairs. She's not in one yet, shouldn't be in one, and just because you seem to think it was a grand thing for you to do does not mean that others should follow your lead. Especially when they are smart enough to ask for advice BEFORE they get embroiled in what will LIKELY be a disastrous situation for all concerned.

 

You could just as easily have gotten into a relationship with a great single guy who not only would have 'saved' you but who you might still be with to this day. Or you could have gotten therapy to resolve your problems in a much healthier fashion - and if this person has big problems, that's the best way for her to solve them too.

 

So please consider what you advise when people like this ask whether they should get into affairs - you could be pushing someone off a cliff.

[newbby]

outcast, i have not advised this girl to have an affair, quite the opposite. i have asked her to explore where she is coming from and what she wants, and what she thinks the situation has to offer her. it is hardly encouraging her to have an affair.

[newbby]

besides which outcast, you misquoted me. what i actually said was this.

 

or maybe this is something you say to excuse the fact that you only feel good if you consider yourself higher than other people. you could look at it both ways.

[Outcast]

Nice backpedal, newbby

[winnie_05]

I have only ever been with one mm before, and we never slept together but we were very close.

 

I know exactly what people are going to say when people find this out. I grew up with my mum and brother, my parents were divorced and my dad wasnt around much. Now i'm going to be told i'm looking for a father figure or something.

 

I went to the wedding today, i tried my hardest i really did, but i feel im in love with him, im back at home now. On the way back in the car, i was nearly crying because deep down i know it can never be. This is what is breaking my heart! But its all i want, although i know its not possible.

 

I wouldn't say my mm and his w are affectionate or anything like that. I think sometimes she can get on his nerves, and like today i think she did a bit, and he looked at me as if we were both thinking the same.

 

Why does this have to happen to me?

 

I just want to be with him. When we were sitting at the table waiting for our meals, we looked at each other, then looked away and quickly looked back at each other for longer, little things like this throughout the day. We had a photo taken together just with arms round each other, all i wanted was to pull him close and be with him.I dont know whether its just me, or whether its him or not. I know it shouldn't matter but it does.

[Outcast]

I wouldn't say my mm and his w are affectionate or anything like that. I think sometimes she can get on his nerves, and like today i think she did a bit, and he looked at me as if we were both thinking the same.

 

And that is EXACTLY how he'll feel about you after you've been together a while. And it will be EXACTLY the way you feel about him. Of course he seems wonderful and perfect and the solution to all your problems - you don't have to live with him.

 

Why does this have to happen to me?

 

It happens to people all the time. Go read the Infidelity and OM/OW forums. Find out what a grand life it is to be someone's bit on the side.

 

I just want to be with him.

 

You are lonely and want love. He is male and handy. You can't go around like a lost pup allowing anyone who'll reach out a hand to pet you!!! You need to have more dignity than that, especially when the people reaching are other people's spouses. You are acting from a place of weakness and you'll be very sorry you did if you continue. If you think it's lonely now, just wait until you have to spend holidays alone because he's with his family.

 

DO NOT SETTLE FOR HALF A MAN JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY!!!!!!!!!

[winnie_05]

What makes this situation 10 times worse is im with someone aswell who ive been with for over 4 1/2 years, hes my soul mate, and things are good between us. He was at the wedding today, the four of us.

[Outcast]

Ohfergawdsakes.

 

You HAVE a guy who's your 'soul mate' and you're still after someone else?

 

I think you maybe should go see a counsellor. You seem to be intent on self-destruction or something.

[winnie_05]

My heads such a mess! I know i cant be with this mm because hes alot older (but seems alot younger) , and we couldn't have a future together because of the age difference. I just wanna be with him though.

 

At the same time, the lad im with is the best thing that has ever happened to me, i know there is a future for us together, and i want my future with him.

[norajane]

I went to the wedding today, i tried my hardest i really did, but i feel im in love with him, im back at home now. On the way back in the car, i was nearly crying because deep down i know it can never be. This is what is breaking my heart! But its all i want, although i know its not possible.

 

Er, no. You are infatuated with whom you imagine this man to be, and what you imagine things would be like between you. You have a fantasy which completely excludes actual reality, including his wife and your soul mate!

 

What makes this situation 10 times worse is im with someone aswell who ive been with for over 4 1/2 years, hes my soul mate, and things are good between us. He was at the wedding today, the four of us.

 

You know, you really made yourself sound lonely at this wedding, pining away for this MM, and you were there with your soul mate the whole time? What other pertinent information are you leaving out? I ask because if you're not telling us everything, then you probably aren't telling yourself everything either. Or are seeing only what you want to see and ignoring other things that are also there. Fooling yourself.

 

I'm really curious as to what your definition of soul mate is. I also would be really interested to know what is the relationship between you and this married couple. Why are they helping you pick out your dress, why are they driving you to the wedding, why are they sitting at your table - who are these people?

[winnie_05]

They are his family.

[norajane]

They are his family.

 

The MM you have a crush on, and his wife, are your boyfriend's parents?

[winnie_05]

As much as i hate to say it, yes they are.

[winnie_05]

You know what hurts the most, I really enjoyed today, all of there family are lovely, and everyone in it treats me as part of it. I've got it made i could marry into this lovely family. My feelings are ruining all of this.

 

I dont wanna feel this way, i just wanna be part of this family which I am. Then why do I wanna be with his dad so much? I wanna be close to him, like I said before.

[Outcast]

I think you've definitely got a father thing going on. Please go see a counsellor. You could ruin the entire family!

[winnie_05]

I cant go and see one. That is the last thing I want to do, i dont wanna hurt anyone. If I was heartless and didnt care i would have gone for it. I've come on here to talk about it because I dont wanna hurt anyone, but i feel so much for this man.

 

Whether I was single and still liked a mm it would still be a problem, just as this one is.

 

I've done nothing wrong, liking him isnt the problem if i can control them and keep them hidden, then I could perhaps live with it. The fact that my feelings are growing stronger is whats hurting me, because I cant live with them.

[norajane]

I cant go and see one. That is the last thing I want to do, i dont wanna hurt anyone. If I was heartless and didnt care i would have gone for it. I've come on here to talk about it because I dont wanna hurt anyone, but i feel so much for this man.

 

Whether I was single and still liked a mm it would still be a problem, just as this one is.

 

I've done nothing wrong, liking him isnt the problem if i can control them and keep them hidden, then I could perhaps live with it. The fact that my feelings are growing stronger is whats hurting me, because I cant live with them.

 

I don't understand how seeing a counselor would hurt anyone. Clearly, not seeing a counselor, and not dealing with your issues, is hurting you. And if you don't take control over your problem, you will end up hurting your boyfriend and his family as well.

 

Frankly, I think you are deep in your fantasy world and your boyfriend's father isn't actually interested in you. I think you've created this fantasy in your head because he is nice to you...as his son's girlfriend of 4 and 1/2 years, a little girl he's watched grow up with his son from the time you were what, 16? 17? Perhaps even a girl who will one day be his daughter-in-law.

 

You say if you were heartless, you would have gone for it. Again, you are fooling yourself. This man isn't likley to have accepted your overtures, not when you are his son's girlfriend. You are mistaking his friendliness and fatherly gestures for attraction to you.

 

It's ok to feel a need for a father figure - I wish you wouldn't dismiss this need so quickly as you did in your earlier post. His presence obviously gives you comfort and makes you feel something you've lacked in your life. However, you're putting a sexual connotation on all this that simply isn't necessary.

 

You've said a few times that you know you can't be with him because of the age difference. Sweets, there are a lot of other reasons you can't be with him. His wife and his son are the two biggest ones. The other one is that you are mistaking your longings and needs as being sexual attraction when they are really a longing for a dad.

 

You need some therapy. You will continue to hurt yourself until you come to grips with your real needs.

[whichwayisup]

What makes this situation 10 times worse is im with someone aswell who ive been with for over 4 1/2 years, hes my soul mate, and things are good between us. He was at the wedding today, the four of us.

 

Winnie, the man you're with, isn't your soulmate. If he was and you were completely inlove with him and things were wonderful between you two, you wouldn't be allowing yourself to fall inlove with someone else, let alone a married man that is not inlove with you. I have to be harsh as you need it now. I'm sorry, k. I mean all this with the best intentions because you're going to mess up your life SO bad if you don't stop. Personally, some therapy might help...More than you think. Please atleast consider it.

 

I wouldn't say my mm and his w are affectionate or anything like that. I think sometimes she can get on his nerves, and like today i think she did a bit, and he looked at me as if we were both thinking the same.

 

You are interpretting what you want to see. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and I'll tell ya, couples get irritated with eachother. And get on eachother's nerves. My husband DAILY gets on my nerves because he IS annoying and bugs me! I love him to death though and yes, I have moments sometimes when I look at him, thinking "OH my god, this is the rest of my life. I don't like him right now..." That is NORMAL. Ask ANY couple in a long term relationship or marriage! They will ALL say "Ofcourse my spouse gets on my nerves...But, that doesn't mean the marriage has problems or is going to end...Or one partner is going to end up in an affair."

Why does this have to happen to me?

 

I just want to be with him. When we were sitting at the table waiting for our meals, we looked at each other, then looked away and quickly looked back at each other for longer, little things like this throughout the day. We had a photo taken together just with arms round each other, all i wanted was to pull him close and be with him.I dont know whether its just me, or whether its him or not. I know it shouldn't matter but it does.

 

STOP. Please just stop. This MM isn't yours for taking. You need to control yourself and your thoughts. The fact his WIFE was right there too didn't phase you.

 

I'm sure she picked up on your glances at her husband...

[whichwayisup]

I should have read more before replying...

 

As much as i hate to say it, yes they are.

 

The "soulmate" you're with now is the son of the MM that you love.

 

Winnie, if you don't get help FAST, your WHOLE life is going to be ruined. Take the blinders OFF and see WTF is going on around you. It's warped thinking that you think all will work out if you end up with your boyfriend's dad.

 

I am telling you now, that will NEVER happen. Not a chance. That family will be blown apart...So don't even allow yourself to think you'll replace his wife and life will go on as normal.

 

You know what hurts the most, I really enjoyed today, all of there family are lovely, and everyone in it treats me as part of it. I've got it made i could marry into this lovely family. My feelings are ruining all of this.

 

Yes, your feelings are ruining this. I'm glad that you're aware of this. So, what are you going to do to change things?

 

I dont wanna feel this way, i just wanna be part of this family which I am. Then why do I wanna be with his dad so much? I wanna be close to him, like I said before.

 

You're missing something. A father. The MM represents wisdom, security, makes you feel safe and good. Someone who cares...In a different way that your boyfriend does.

 

ANY Shrink will tell you that the situation you're in now, and the past "friendship" with the other MM, ALL of this is issues and hurts from your childhood. Anybody here can tell you this as well.

[whichwayisup]

I've done nothing wrong, liking him isnt the problem if i can control them and keep them hidden, then I could perhaps live with it. The fact that my feelings are growing stronger is whats hurting me, because I cant live with them.

 

You have done so much wrong.

 

TO yourself. TO your boyfriend. He has NO clue what goes on inside your head. Could you imagine his feelings, how HURT he will be when he finds out you want and are inlove with his dad?? Reverse the situation. What if YOUR boyfriend was inlove with YOUR mom? Wouldn't that just piss you off and devastate you??

 

Think of your boyfriend. He's doing NOTHING wrong, yet, you're lusting after his father. THAT IS WRONG Winnie. And the more time you're around his father, the more chances are, you're going to just REACT on your feelings one day and life will be ruined for so many.

 

You're also doing wrong to your boyfriend's MOM. The MM's wife. She trusts you, probably loves you like a daughter-in-law. You're betraying HER and making a FOOL of this woman. One day you'll understand all this, but I'm afraid it will be too late.

 

I can't help you if you aren't taking to heart what we're all saying. You really need to go get some counselling and, talk to your parents.

[Outcast]

If he was and you were completely inlove with him and things were wonderful between you two, you wouldn't be allowing yourself to fall inlove with someone else, let alone a married man that is not inlove with you.

 

And especially when he's your bf's father. You think a man much older would be stupid enough to betray his wife AND his own son??? Not a chance.

 

Seeing a counsellor won't 'hurt' anyone. NOT seeing a counsellor definitely will. You owe it to yourself and your own future to get straight about what you're doing.

[whichwayisup]

You think a man much older would be stupid enough to betray his wife AND his own son??? Not a chance.

 

This has to be an eye opener for you Winnie. Really think outside the box and stop living a fantasy. The reality is what Outcast pointed out in the above quote.

[winnie_05]

I will think about seeing one, i guess i'd just feel very stupid.

 

I think I know deep down inside how daft it is, but the way he looks at me and the things that have happened is what confuses me.

 

I know its wrong to my boyfriend and his mum. I honestly do, and when i think seriously about the damage and hurt it could cause i know how wrong it is. Its like sometimes i'm blinded by this and i can only see one thing.

 

Sometimes the way he acts around me makes me think maybe he is interested, and other times he seems like a proper family man. He is a lovely, genuine, attractive man who I care for so much.

 

Maybe i'm just blinded and cant see the truth that it is just me with a lot of problems from my past that are haunting me.

[newbby]

winnie, if i remember rightly, you were here with this same problem quite a long time ago. is that you?

okay i just searched your previous threads. you were dealing with this over a year ago. so nothing has changed.

i think you have to realise that you need to do something about it now. it has gone on far too long. maybe all it will take is a shift in perspective. maybe just channelling the feelings you have into a family love. i think this is what it is, but you have become confused about it, maybe because you havent had that sort of love with a man?

however, if you cant manage the shift yourself, which isnt ever as easy as it sounds for other people, then seeing a counsellor should do you some good, if you choose a good one. i wouldnt worry about what they think, they have counselled all kinds of people.

[winnie_05]

Yes, you're right, that was me. I've been with my bf for 4 1/2 years, and for the first 2 1/2 years things were fine, then all of a sudden i started to see my bf dad in a different light, and things have just progressed throughout the couple of years, its not been constant, but its been there alot when really it shouldnt be. It started around christmas time, maybe it was what was happening around that time.

 

I've never been around many men in my life, only my brother. I have no uncles either. I know at one point I was close to my cousin and i used to see her all the time, and then i started to fancy her Dad. I was alot younger then.

 

I know my bfs does think an awful lot of me, and he loves me as part of the family and i think i've took it the wrong way and its developed into this attraction for him.

 

I do wish I had a family like them, and i never want to destroy that. I wouldnt ever want to hurt my bf, i really dont. I know it would destroy him, hes adopted, and I know at times he wondered why his birth mum and dad gave him up, so i wouldnt want to ruin this love he has with this lovely family.

 

I just need to put a stop to my feelings for my bfs dad before its too late, because at the momoent i really feel i love him.