Mistletoe misunderstanding

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

Hey,

 

I am a 24 year old girl from Australia. I have am working as well as going to university. I am going out with this great guy for close to a year now. He is from India (mentioned it as this problem has cultural influences). Well he is a hot guy, caring, loving, very smart, outgoing, witty, stimulating etc. He is not controlling or ovetly jealous. He doesnt have a problem with my male friends, etc. But when an ex from 2 years contacted me wanting to be friends again, I mentioned it to him and he said that he wasn't comfortable with it, so I told the ex that I wasn't interested and told this to my boyfriend. It was my decision finally, though my BF made it clear in no uncertain terms that we might have relationship problems if I became friendly with my ex. It was not a big deal to me, so I chose my Bf's feelings as my priority. Well why I mentioned this was to give you an insight into this guy, he is very progressive and liberal and open etc, but he has got certain threshold levels for everything, and once that threshold level is crossed the reaction is very different to what it would have been just below the threshold level. I have seen this about him in many areas, and it is not a problem for me because I agree with him about most things. One thing good about him is that once he has calmed down, I can talk to him about anything, and he explains why he reacted in any particular way and most times thinking about it from his point of way I tend to agree with him.

 

Well, the problem is that we had a big problem/misunderstanding. Well we have this fake festival called christmas in July. and some of the guys at university organised a "christmas" party for us. and they got csome fake mistletoe too, to hang over a doorway. At the party it was a fun party and everyone was letting loose because many of the friends were leaving for good after thair studies, so it was a going away party as well. Any time a girl was under the mistletoe, a guy would demand a kiss, and you would have people around chanting "kiss! kiss! kiss!" and there was clapping and cheers when the kiss was given. I was with my BF and we saw many of the girls kissing the guys. it was not sexual or anything, I thought of it more as fun and my BF didn't seem uncomfortable. Well later in the party I was in that situation a couple of times, and as it was all in fun I went along. I think it was "proper" kisses in terms of mistletoe etiquette- closed mouth, hands on each others upper arms, and maybe 3-4 seconds. Well I was in that situation 3 times, and the first 2 times my BF was not around- he was in another room talking to someone else, well the third time he was in the room and after I kissed the guy, I saw him and went over to him. he didnt return my smile he had a shocked look on his face which was quickly masked, I guess because we were at a party and he didn't want to cause a scene. I went to him and hugged him and asked him where he was before to which he gave me some vague answers and moved away from me in a minute or two without drawing other peoples attention to it. I knew then we were in trouble. He spent the next half an hour trying to avoid me, and I could see he was just putting up a face, but he was really not enjoying the party anymore. He came to me later and told me that he had a headache and he was leaving. I told him that I will leave with him, but he said he was ok. When I insisted that I wanted to leave with him, he said that he really wanted to be alone. and he left.

 

We had a similar problem early on in our relationship. we were at a small house party with a couple of our friends and we were playing "spin the bottle". My bf was not playing as he gave some excuse, but I was and afterwards he was aloof or introspective when we were alone, and when I really had the talk with him, he told me that he was not comfortable that I chose to do that. When I told him I didnt see it as anything more than a game, he said that he was not comfortable with it. There was problems for a couple of weeks (no shouting matches or below the belt comments) but just a lack of warmth, etc. But after i tried for a couple of weeks to show him that I wanted to be the best GF he can have, he gradually warmed up to me again and we grew as a couple.

 

But this time he is very cold to me. He doesn't spend time with me. It has been 2 weeks. He doesnt come over to my place anymore (we used to sleepover at eachothers place). he always makes excuses not to spend time alone together. When I talked to him about this, he said that I knew it was over his comfort level and I still went ahead and did it. He said it shows what I think of us and how much respect and sincerity I have towards him. All of which are not true, I was just going with the fun and what everyone was doing, Our previous discussions were not even in my mind as it happened so long back, and it was only after I realised that he was pissed did I recollect all that.

 

Now I cant seem to make it better, He never seems too be home too (I think to avoid me), I later find out he is hanging out with some of our friends at their house or some of his friends, many times I let myself into his house (I have a key) and slept over thinking that he would have to come home at night anyway. When I woke up, he was sleeping on the sofa. When I asked him about it, he said he had to do some reading and he didnt want to disturb me. I told him I didnt mind it at all, but he did the samething anyway even after that. When I kiss him he is unresponsive, almost like allowing me to kiss him, but he doesnt kiss back- he was not like that, he was always stealing kisses, passionate kisses and was always vaery frisky with me. We haven't made love after the party. From an essay that he was writing I got the impression that he is having second thoughts about me. I felt that he had the feeling that his mom was validated in her belief that crosscultural relationships cause problems and heartbreak in life.

 

I really dont want to lose this guy. He is like no one I've met before. He actually raised the bar on my dream man. But I feel he is slipping away. I am not really a bad girl myself, you know. But I know that there are atleast a dozen women out there who would try to have him, if they knew that we were having problems. I'm sure he wont do anything while he is with me, but I fear he might break up with me. He has a couple of friends who are "nice" Indian girls. They are beautiful and smart and have many things in common with my BF. I never had a problem with any of these relationships as he was very open with me. But now I am scared of these relationships, I am insecure. What of he realises that he is better off with someone who shares his own background- Girls who dont kiss other people at parties. It never meant anything to me and if I could take it all back, I would.. I just dont know what to do.

[Walk]

Tough situation. I'm wondering, when you've talked to him about this... how did the conversation go?

 

My bf is kind of the same... something I think is 'normal' or nothing serious, he reacts strongly to at times. Becomes distant, and closes up. Hard to describe, but sounds a lot like your bf.

 

Few things I've found that help. Listen to his side without interrupting. If you were wrong in what you did, then explain your thought process at the time, and follow up with why you realize now why it was wrong. (this is only if you feel you were wrong in your actions) Offer solutions, or comprimise. Something that could help salve the emotional wounds that were created.

 

This part (below) is probably going to be important since the two of you have different views on what happened. I would do this the first chance you have. Ask (in sincerity) to understand why it is bothering him. Explain that you realize you two don't see eye to eye on this, and you would like to understand how he views it. Explain that if you understand more fully then you can avoid it in the future. This shows (hopefully) that you value his views and thoughts as much as your own, that you are open and willing to comprimise and potentially change to make this a good relationship, and that you don't want to hurt him again and potentially by understanding him better you can avoid this in the future. Otherwise, he has no reason to believe that you won't do this again, because right now you're stating you still believe it didn't mean anything and he shouldn't be upset with you. If you don't understand the why's and how's, then it will happen again.

 

Validate his feelings. Agree that he has a right to feel hurt. Don't keep saying it was unintentional, that you didn't mean anything by it. That sends the message that he's foolish for feeling the way he does. That he's either being irrational, or too girly. Neither are good if he's the manly man type. Besides, even if you didn't mean to hurt him, you did... and he has a right to feel hurt no matter what your intentions. If you kick someone on accident, it doesn't stop the pain just because you said you didn't mean it.

 

Try getting the full picture on how he views your actions without any resistence from you on why it was unintentional. Just listen, agree, and keep asking questions. Jot down a list of questions to ask prior to talking to him. Something to clarify what you don't understand about how he thinks or views the situation. Don't use it while talking to him, just keep those in the back of your mind while talking to him.

 

Until you two either understand each other, or one or the other realizes that you aren't going to see eye to eye on this, then you can't "fix" this. If you don't understand him, then it will happen again, and he knows this. But he feels you betrayed his trust, and he doesn't feel he should have to force you to attempt to understand him if you don't want to.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

The thing is that he had told me his issues while we had the talk after the "spin the bottle" incident. He said that over intimacy was not something that he could adjust with (me with other people). Like I had said before he is alright one moment, but a slight increase in the level and it becomes a problem instantly. It is more like a physical boundary- this side is ok doesnt matter how close you are to the line, but one step out and you are out.

 

Just an example. He has no problems with me going out with my friends, or clubbing or dancing etc. Last new year he was not here as he had gone overseas, but he insisted that I go out with friends and have a good time and not sit at home just because he was not there. He has no problem with me dancing with other guys, he wouldnt even think twice about it. But add a component of sensuality in the dance- like salsa or lambada, then I know that he will not accept it, doesnt matter whether it is just dancing. We have had this talk before, while we were generally having philosophical talks, that he said he didnt think that he will ever be able to accept a partner whose profession entailed physical intimacy with others- like professional dancers or actresses. He made it clear that he didn't think that there was anything wrong with them, but that he just couldnt accept that from the woman he loved. This topic came up when we were watching a television show called "dancing with the stars" where the dancing partners were putting up sexy routines. He said dancing like that and acting in intimate scenes was not what he could accept from his partner, even if it was totally professional. But he acknowledged that some partners could accept that and he didn't feel that there was anything wrong in that. Nor does he feel that there is anything wrong in him not able to accept that. This is what he said " it is not like I woo an actress, fall in love with her and then ask her to give up acting"

 

But my mind was not on all this, I guess I was just going with the flow and just wasn't thinking about his way of thought at the time. Maybe it is the culture thing- I didnt give it too much importance at the time to analyse it. I considered it more like friends cheering you own to drink bottoms up.

 

The thing is I dont think I did something wrong in the pure sense of it. I feel it as wrong only because my BF got offended and not because I feel in my heart that the actions were wrong.

 

When we talked about it, I asked him if he trusted me, and he said that he trusted me, but that was not the issue. He feels disrespected, not cheated on. But I cant seem to make any headway, as like i mentioned he is avoiding me. I know him, I know how he thinks, I know he is having second thoughts about us. I am scared that he will realise that with girls from his own background, he will not have these problems and he will not have to deal with anything like this... I dont want to lose him and I am so scared of that. I really really do love him, and I know he is the best man for me. But what if he decides that I am not what he wants. This lack of intimacy and connection on his part has gone on for 2 weeks now. We have never had it this bad. What if he gets used to it and/or loses his sense of belonging and connection to me.

[Walk]

I know you're hurting right now.. and if you're like me, you're probably thinking this is rather stupid to have such a big problem over something that seems fairly minor...

 

Your bf sounds so much like mine. Almost verbatim.

 

You said you understand how he felt on the subject, but you still did it anyway. I'm wondering why? Before he got upset, was there something that you were unhappy with? Maybe right before the incident, or at the time of it. Or were you happy as could be with everything?

 

Wondering because usually if I do something that my bf has said in the past he has a problem with, or shared his views on, and I do exactly what he said he didn't like, it's because I've gotten into my "me" mode of thought. Something he's done, or hasnt' done, caused me to revert back to my own feelings and thoughts about the subject and not take him into consideration. Wondering if that may have been what happened with you?

 

If you don't know why you did it, even after the two of you had talked so much on it prior, then he's probably not going to want to forgive and forget and stay in the relationship. I'm not saying what you did was wrong. But there is an element of disrespect in your actions. In the aspect that you should've been aware of how he might feel about it, or concerned that it might be over the line of comfort for him. And you didn't seem to be. The focus was on what you wanted to do, without thought for his feelings. So no matter whether your actions were correct for the situation, they didn't take your SO into consideration. You shouldn't apologize for something if you feel you did nothing wrong. But that doesn't mean there isn't an aspect of neglect in what you did. You neglected to take him into consideration.

 

If you can understand why that was, then perhaps the two of you could work on a resolution. But without understanding that, then he has nothing to prove to him that your actions would be any different in the future. No amount of "I'm sorry" will stop you from doing the same thing again. And I think that is what is causing the disconnect. Not the initial action, but the fear of future pain over a similiar incident. That you will disregard his feelings again, even though you understand his thoughts on it.

 

I'm going to be blunt for a moment... I don't mean to offend you, but I think I can understand where your bf is coming from and where you are coming from. Your actions seemed to be centered on what you thought and felt with no concern for your bfs feelings. Now you're reacting to his withdrawl. If he hadn't withdrawn, then you would continue exactly the way you had prior. You're focused on the aspect that you may lose him. But not that you hurt him. So in essence, your still centered on how you feel, not how your bf feels. I hate to use the word selfish, because I dont' think you are... but there is an aspect of your motives that are selfish. You want forgiveness and things to go back the way they were. But have given nothing to ensure it won't happen again.

 

You're right though... he might break up with you and swear off anyone from a different culture after this. He hasnt' yet, which means he's waiting for you to stop the disconnect. Waiting to see what you do. Otherwise, he would've broken it off right then, and been gone. If you can't find a reason why you didn't take his thougths and feelings into consideration, and/or you can't ensure it doesnt' happen in the future, then let him go. Let him find someone who has views and feelings similiar to his own. Otherwise, you're being somewhat selfish in attempting to keep him if you're not going to attempt to comprimise with him.

 

Again, I'm sorry this is blunt and if I offended you. But I would really like to see the two of you happy. Maybe someone else on LS has a better idea on what you could do to help the situation, but I think a large part of the problem was the simple fact that he feels you aren't taking him into consideration. And as your partner, you should, at all times.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

I totally understand what you are saying about the neglect. I agree with that. But I have to tell you that it was not intentional. I just didnt think about it at that time. I was not doing it purposely. I was too much "in the moment " to think anything was wrong. See it is only when anything goes against your nature you have alarm bells ringing in your head. This did not set alarm bells ringing in my head at that time, maybe because I used to have fun like that before I hooked up with my current BF and didn't think twice about it. You only think about your Bfs reaction when alarm bells ring in your head about what you are about to do. It didn't ring for me at that time. And it had nothing to do with not being hapy with him, I can assure you he makes me feel loved, safe , sexy, interesting, etc. Life with him is never boring, he does so many unpredictable things for fun, that life is always interesting around him. I really love him deeply, more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, more than my first love, I dont think I can love any man more that I love this person.

 

About it not happening again, I am sure that it wont. This incident will raise alarm bells in my head even if a guy comes to hug me again. I am 100% sure it wont happen again. It wont happen again out of respect for him. I just hope he can forgive this slip that I made.

[Outcast]

There are people who will draw arbitrary lines and will punish you severely should you cross these lines. No logic nor common sense nor any other argument will change their minds if they have decided to consider what you've done to be a horrible transgression. You know tht a peck on the lips is meaningless but he has decided to imbue that action with a large amount of symbolism and then decided to be offended by it.

 

This may a lost cause. I'm not at all persuaded that Walk's bf is in any way good for her and similarly, if your fellow is this kind of unreasonable about this thing, how many other things might he be totally unreasonable about? There's no way a self-respecting person should have to twist herself (or, for that matter, himself) into knots to meet an arbitrary set of unreasonable 'rules' laid out by their own personal dictator.

 

It's all well and fine for someone like him to have certain demands or standards, but IMHO it is incumbent upon people to measure the standards to which they expect others adhere against what is reasonable and common. He has not. If you can bear to be with someone who imposes his own set of peculiar rules on you, that's all well and fine, but in that case you have to take note every time you've been told you've offended and you must remember those offences until the end of your days because, as you see, these rule-makers will.

 

In essence, if he's chosen to decide that what you've done is so horrible that it's beyond forgiveness, then there is nothing on earth you can do to persuade him otherwise. You can tell him it wasn't intentional, that it didn't matter, etc etc until your head falls off but it won't work because you are trying to argue sense and logic and he's behaving out of feelings and principle. All the sense in the world won't change his mind, apparently.

 

From what I've read, Walk's bf has trained her to take blame for all of his bad moods, unreasonable fits of sulkiness or anger, etc. This is an emotionally abusive relationship, IMHO, and one you don't wish to emulate. Do not spend days scouring your conscience to find reasons you are the one at fault. Your bf is simply being unreasonable and unforgiving. Not attractive traits, IMHO, and not traits that bode well for long-term relationships.

[Walk]

I responded to the post with the thought... How would I feel if my SO was kissing other people on the mouth, even closed mouthed?

 

Pissed off at first. Hurt. Disrespected.

 

Outcast has good points though. Take those into serious consideration.

 

 

**Outcast: thanks for putting me "in my place" there."

[Outcast]

I worry about you, Walk.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

I am sorry if I gave you the impression that he was emotionally abusive, then I am sorry. Nothing could be further away from the truth. I think that he has some pretty strong convictions about somethings, that must be how he was raised. I know that in India people dont kiss people, that they are not involved with, on the lips. Maybe in his view it might be equivalent to how I would feel if he fondled some other womans breast in fun.

 

But in no way is he abusive. He doesnt try to control me. I know that his convictions are real and not just an excuse to control me.

 

And Walk, even though your last message was brutal to read I think you understand my situation best. At least you got it closer to the correct situation.

 

It is very easy to chuck relationships for trivial reasons and false ego and indignation, but seriously what do I really want- Do I want. Do I want to dump this great guy and find someone who is ok with me having more intimate expression with other guys. I think the choice is a no brainer.

[Outcast]

It's not about dumping someone who has different standards. It's about not having to deal with an unforgiving person. And I didn't say he WAS emotionally abusive, just that people who are unforgiving about one thing are generally unforgiving about other things as well and so you'll likely transgress another of his rules at some point and suffer the same punishment.

[Spectre]

Did I enter some sort of twisted twilight zone? Why in gods name is this guy in the wrong for being upset his gf kissed three different guys in one night? Mistletoe be damned, that simply just should not of happened. Not only that, but 3-4 second kisses? Those arent simple pecks. I cant imagine how someone in a relationship could view that as ok behavior. Not only that, but prior to this incident you played spin the bottle with other guys? as far as im concerned, you're lucky this guy even talks to you. Let him go, do you think he's ever going to get over the image of his gf kissing some guy in a crowded room of people? Unlikely

 

 

Its amazing someone wrote a novel taking shots at this guy and questioning if HE is good for his gf, i mean, that literally makes me laugh out loud its so ridiculous.

 

"What of he realises that he is better off with someone who shares his own background- Girls who dont kiss other people at parties."

 

exactly, and ask yourself: why wouldnt anyone with common sense realize this? You dug your own grave, next time you meet your dream guy dont play games/goto parties that involve you kissing other guys.

[Outcast]

Well, 3 seconds is pretty short, everybody's mouths were closed, people were not in body-to-body contact, the kisser was not intending the kisses to be anything of import and they were done in front of an audience. And she said now she knows her bf is REALLY bugged by it she'll not do it again but because there was zero interest on her part, it seemed harmless.

 

I've been to work parties where people give each other closed-mouth smooches. I'm not all that thrilled about stuff like that but so long as it's not saliva-swapping in-a-dark-corner type stuff sometimes it's about being a bit of a sport to go along.

 

Thing is that she now realizes it's a huge deal to him and won't do it again. Even the Catholic church forgives someone who promises to not commit a sin again so it's the least this guy could do.

[Spectre]

Well, 3 seconds is pretty short, everybody's mouths were closed, people were not in body-to-body contact, the kisser was not intending the kisses to be anything of import and they were done in front of an audience. And she said now she knows her bf is REALLY bugged by it she'll not do it again but because there was zero interest on her part, it seemed harmless.

 

3 seconds is pretty long to be kissing some random college dude, who's probably wasted. A peck takes one second. It doesnt matter if she had zero interest, it's about respect. You must not of read her post to say something like "she knows it bugs him so she wont do it"

 

dude, she played *spin the bottle* with other guys, and thought this was actually ok. After this her bf voiced his concerned, yet the mistletoe incident still happened? Thats when its time to let go.

 

I've been to work parties where people give each other closed-mouth smooches. I'm not all that thrilled about stuff like that but so long as it's not saliva-swapping in-a-dark-corner type stuff sometimes it's about being a bit of a sport to go along.

 

It is about respect. Her bf openly voiced to her he was not ok with her playing spin the bottle. First of all the fact that she thought this was ok speaks volumes. So knowing that he is not ok with her playing spin the bottle, I dont see how it could be envisioned to be ok to kiss 3 random guys at a party. Its just a complete and utter lack of respect and really not deserving of a second chance.

 

 

Thing is that she now realizes it's a huge deal to him and won't do it again. Even the Catholic church forgives someone who promises to not commit a sin again so it's the least this guy could do.

 

 

Except this isnt the first incident lol. The spin the bottle incident, then this? and its the LEAST the guy could do is forgive her? No, the least she could do is leave this poor sap alone before she starts allowing drunken frat guys to do jello shots off her stomach at her bfs b-day party or something.

[nicki]

Walk has given you some great advice on how to talk to your boyfriend about this.

 

If I were him, I'd be pissed off, too. He's judging your character and you are coming up short by kissing other guys...especially when he's told you that he is bothered by that kind of behavior. He has expectations of your behavior, as you do his...

 

Apologize profusely. Tell him you will never kiss another strange guy again, even innocently....As for the mistletoe incident, you could have turned and gotten/given a kiss on the check. Or not played. Or only kissed your boyfriend under the mistletoe. So many choices.

 

If my boyfriend and I were at a party and a stripper was giving lapdances, I would hope my boyfriend would say "no thanks." Kind of an extreme example, I know....but you get my point.

 

I think he will listen to you. Go talk to him. Don't make excuses. Just say you were wrong. Good luck. I hope you work it out. Sounds like you can.

 

Guys get jealous.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

I think we are back on track now!

 

i Was feeling desperate to connect to him and I went and waited at his appartment. I wrote down everything I wanted to tell him, how sorry I was, and how I will never do anything remotely like this again. But sitting there on his bed in the dark, with my knees to my chest and blanet up to my nect, I felt miserable and incredibly sad, and I couldnt stop crying. It was not bawling, but the tears wouldnt stop. He came back later that night and when he came into the bedroom and turned on the light- he saw me like that and was taken aback. I just kept looking at him, not saying anything, still rolling out tears. He came and sat on the bed beside me and took my hand and kissed it, and when he tried to hug me I just lost it. I just dont know what happened, but I lost it completely. I was hitting him and scratching him and pulling his hair, and screaming at him. I was screaming that he doesnt get to leave me because I loved him. That I loved him more than I can love anyone in my life. I managed to say I was sorry too, somewhere in there :-). but what I was saying and what I was doing were both opposite things. I was continuing to hit him while he was forcibly trying to subdue me and he did finally do that. He just hugged me and locked me in his arms. my arms folded between our chests so that I couldnt move it. He kissed my hair and was rocking me, He said its ok. He told me that he was not leaving me, and not to worry, I was just sobbing my face against his neck. we stayed like that for a long time. after some time I extricated myself form out hug and said that we needed to talk. He said he that we should, but that he needed to do something else first. then he took my face in both his hands and gave me a long and beautiful kiss. It was forceful and tender at the same time, no tounge but i felt it was the most intense kiss that I have ever recieved in my life. I would have given my life for this man at that moment. anyway after that ha picked me up and went to the living room and sat on an armchair and put me sideways on his lap with my head on his chest, his one hand stroking my hair and the other my leg. He said "lets talk". We had the most honest discussion that a man and woman could have. I told him that was sorry, sorry that i did that because it hurt him, and that I will never do anything like that. I explained my thoughts at that time to him and also that I had also felt that I would have been a wet sock in that company if I wasn't a sport. But I told him I would rather be considered a wet sock rather than to make him uncomfortable again. He listened to me without interrupting me other than place a couple of kisses on my nose. He said that he forgives me and let us move on now. I told him that I needed to know his feelings at that time before I could move on. He explained how he felt, and why he felt. It was pretty much what we had discussed here. I asked him if he had thought of leaving me- He said he didnt think of it seriously, but it had crossed his mind. I asked him if he had felt he would have been better off with a girl from his own background. He again said, that the thought had crossed his mind, but it was more like when he felt angry with me, rather than any consideration. I got up and straddled him and took his face in my hands now, and looked into his eyes and told him that I was truly sorry and I regret it totally, and that he would probably be more comfortable with a girl of his own background, but I will be the best partner he canaver have, because I will love him like no one else can, and that I will constantly work on our relationship and that I will never again put our relationship at risk by my actions. He told me that he knew that. and then I kissed him. I gave him it to him, tounge and all. it was so intense that I would have climaxed. Then he picked me up and took me to the bedroom and made we made all night. We didnt sleep, we just snuggled and kissed and talked between love making. We didnt get out of bed till 10 the next day.

 

I know that I will have to work really hard to really get back on track, but we are getting there. One good thing is that we could totally confront the issue and deal with it thoroughly and honestly- because I know my BF, if you just ignore things and try to sweep things under the carpet, it will always fester in his mind. But if you accept your mistake and let him know that you are really sorry, then it is water under the bridge as far as he is concerned. and that is how he behaves too. he always acknoledges his mistakes and doesnt try to make excuses for it.

 

I sincerely hope that we continue to have a happy and fulfiling relationship. I know that I will never again take this relationship for granted, considering how close I came to losing it, and will constantly work on nourishing it. I believe he will do the same for me and us.

 

Someday, I hope to marry him and have babies with him.

[Outcast]

I"m really glad to hear that he hadn't closed his heart to you. He did listen and accept your apology - good for him And good for you, too.

[IfICouldTakeItBack]

Thanks a lot for all the suport you guys gave me. I got some pretty good advice here.

 

Outcast.. I know that he would have closed of to me if he didnt think I was sincere. Or if I had let the situation continue, it would have been a gangrene eating away into our relationship. Any way, I knew that I wanted him, and was prepared to do whatever it takes to do that.

[Spectre]

*blank stare*

 

nobody finds it odd she started screaming and hitting him? I mean, wtf? Thats just childish type behavior, and the guy took you back? Wow, I can see where this relationships going.

[Outcast]

Well I assume she wasn't punching him out since he would've been too busy nursing a bloody nose and two black eyes to hold her. It sounded like the kind of tantrum little kids have rather than actual 'hitting'.

[Guestro]

Yeah, I always hit my girlfriend with an open hand. Glad to know you approve.

 

Hey, yall want equality, right? Except when you don't.

 

Luckily for her, he comes from a non-feminized culture, and was probably rather flattered by her outburst instead of confused, apalled, and too afraid of a domestic violence rap to defend himself. Hopefully she'll wrap her head around it and stop trying to treat him like one of the poor, downtrodden bastards of her home culture -- who'd probably be accused of being an insensitive, controlling, insecure jerk for not applauding while she made out with the entire football team.

[Cecelius]

I guess I fall into Spectre's camp -- my g/f ought not be kissing (platonic, funny, or whatever) other dudes 2-3 times just because there's a lump of plastic mistletoe somewhere, or playing spin the bottle.

 

Personally, I think the b/f has made a mistake -- he's seen what the OP's natural tendencies are and found them distasteful -- rather than picking up his toys and walking away, he tortures himself for weeks, lets himself get knocked around, and then takes an apology and all is well?

 

If it was sincere, and the silly behavior ceases, immediately and for all time, then I could see it, after a long, long cooling off period.

[Outcast]

Yeah, I always hit my girlfriend with an open hand. Glad to know you approve.

 

 

I neither said nor meant that so quit trying to pick a fight for nothing. I said I pictured her having a tantrum like a little kid - you know, pounding the sides of the fists on the floor-type thing with neither force nor intent to produce force. Not actual battery.

[Guestro]

"I was hitting him and scratching him and pulling his hair, and screaming at him. I was screaming that he doesnt get to leave me because I loved him. "

 

Sounds just like me when I get suspicious my girlfriend might try to leave me. What can I say? I'm an incurable romantic...

 

"I managed to say I was sorry too, somewhere in there :-). but what I was saying and what I was doing were both opposite things. I was continuing to hit him..."

 

or her in my case. I know the feeling, hun. Never be afraid to say you're sorry -- the foundation of any good relationship.

 

"... while he was forcibly trying to subdue me and he did finally do that."

 

Love, ain't it grand? Candlelit dinners, walks in the moonlight, spit-flecked screaming physical assault. We all need a little of that in our lives.

 

Seriously, this might sound like some braindead bodice-ripping romance novel to you, but it's domestic violence. You minimize it (how typical) because she's female, but that's what it is, and in many states she'd go directly to jail for it (that is, if they didn't haul him off simply for being male.) Defend it all you like. Solidarity sister.

 

IfICouldTakeItBack: Grow up. See about getting some anger management or DV classes for yourself. There's no excuse for violently attacking and abusing your mate. Shame on you.