Wow

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I mailed him -

 

I was pressured into unblocking you on msn before i was ready to....and it's shown that it's too soon already...i don't feel comfortable talking to you...and i felt very uncomfortable about you texting me the other night because i wasn't online.

 

I really hope you can respect and understand this...i don't mean to offend or hurt, i just need time away from you...i think it'll do us both good. I'm guessing i'll probably be in touch around Novemberish when Marianne gets back from Ibiza.

 

Speak soon mate

 

kim

 

 

**********************************************************

He Replied -

 

Wasnt gonna reply to this email, you know cause it'll prob hurt you and everything because Im sooooo evil for saying hi and stuff. For godsake, listen, dont bother speakin to me ever again if you want I obviously have no feelings and its all my fault and I'm a horrible person for being nice to you and wishing you happy birthday and everything so yeah, **** it. Im not worth it! I'm just glad it isnt all about how you feel, and I'm really glad that no-one thinks that my feelings dont matter and that it doesnt effect me when you speak to my mates and stuff, whilst at the same time being told that I cant ask how you are. Thats really good thats it hasnt happened like that.

If your gonna block me block all my mates so I dont have to have people saying stuff about you, if you want to **** me off and out of your life until you feel ready fine, but it would be nice if I had a say vice versa.

And the 'mate' thing was just plain silly and pedantic. Being without you has tore a big ****ing hole inside me and every person seems to think Ive been fine and got over it straight away, and this entire blocking, unblocking, nasty short txt replies etc when all im doing is being a 'mate' and being nice is just harsh. I really, really thought that me and you were'nt far away from meeting up or speaking and saying hi. Remeber I said that whatever happened we'd be friends and I'd always be there for you and you said so would you...well Ive been here if you needed me but you obviously havent for me so that says it all now i suppose

see you in November when you real friend is back

Your mate ***

 

 

********************************************************

...wow...hurtful...kinda shocked right now...

[Tony T]

Frankly, his reply sounds like he's as sensitive as most guys can get. He obviously cares about you. He obviously doesn't want a relationship with you. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you. He has a lot of respect for you. He said all those things in a very kind way but in a way that you could pick up on. You have to understand the dynamics of communication to realize everybody says things in a different way...but most people don't mean to be hurtful or annoying.

 

He sounds like a decent guy, a man who is honest...and who doesn't want any misunderstandings whatsoever. He layed it right on the line for you. He could have been really mean if he had wanted.

 

Leave him alone, forget about him...and move on.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

haha are you serious...

 

If you only knew the guy!

 

Don't worry, there's no going back from here....he's hurt me for the last time now.

[KittenMoon]

Nights- This unnecessary exchange, if it HAD to occur, should you read something like this:

 

You: I'm still not ready to be in conctact with you. Please respect this.

 

Him: FIne. I respect that and won;t contact you.

 

 

DOne and done.

 

That being said, this guys sounds a tad self-centered. And when self-centered guys become emotional, they turn into.... well emotionally self-centered people.

 

So really, no more contact with him for a loooooong time, ok? Promise? No matter whatever yours/his/everyones mates say.

[bendit]

Nights, If your intention is to go no contact, you violated some of the rules. Just so you know.

 

For the kids here following along, the first violation really applies to the CARDINAL rule of NC: You contacted him to tell him you were going NO CONTACT. Nights, that is a violation!

 

The Second violation is that at the end of your "heart felt" contact to tell him you were going no contact, you said "speak soon mate".

 

Now, kids, for those contemplating no contact, don't end your note with these three words. It sends the wrong message.

 

Third, you told him exactly when you intend to speak with him again.

This would be in November, when presumably all will be well and good between you two.

 

You are scheduling your next contact "in advance" and marking it on your calendar. Kids, this is not advisable. It is a violation of NC principles!

 

When going NO CONTACT, never make a future appointment with your X for contact. This defeats the purpose in a way.

 

Now let me suggest a few things for you to think about Nights.

 

1) He HASN'T hurt you for the last time.

 

2) You ARE going to have contact with him before November.

 

3) You are not even close to really being at a "hit bottom" phase, to really WANT or NEED to go NC.

 

4) You are having too much fun with contact, to switch to NC, which isn't nearly as much fun. It's downright Boring! And why quit when you are having so much FUN, Nights?

 

Other than the above points, your attempts to navigate your break-up seem to be fine.

 

regards

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Nights- This unnecessary exchange, if it HAD to occur, should you read something like this:

 

You: I'm still not ready to be in conctact with you. Please respect this.

 

Him: FIne. I respect that and won;t contact you.

 

 

DOne and done.

 

That being said, this guys sounds a tad self-centered. And when self-centered guys become emotional, they turn into.... well emotionally self-centered people.

 

So really, no more contact with him for a loooooong time, ok? Promise? No matter whatever yours/his/everyones mates say.

 

 

I promise, nothing...not a peep...ive just deleted my old msn account just to make sure of it. I'm not sure i want to speak to him ever again to be honest after that reply he sent, sod what i said before. I've had enough.

[In Sync]

He Replied -

 

Wasnt gonna reply to this email, you know cause it'll prob hurt you and everything because Im sooooo evil for saying hi and stuff. For godsake, listen, dont bother speakin to me ever again if you want I obviously have no feelings and its all my fault and I'm a horrible person for being nice to you and wishing you happy birthday and everything so yeah, **** it. Im not worth it! I'm just glad it isnt all about how you feel, and I'm really glad that no-one thinks that my feelings dont matter and that it doesnt effect me when you speak to my mates and stuff, whilst at the same time being told that I cant ask how you are. Thats really good thats it hasnt happened like that.

If your gonna block me block all my mates so I dont have to have people saying stuff about you, if you want to **** me off and out of your life until you feel ready fine, but it would be nice if I had a say vice versa.

And the 'mate' thing was just plain silly and pedantic. Being without you has tore a big ****ing hole inside me and every person seems to think Ive been fine and got over it straight away, and this entire blocking, unblocking, nasty short txt replies etc when all im doing is being a 'mate' and being nice is just harsh. I really, really thought that me and you were'nt far away from meeting up or speaking and saying hi. Remeber I said that whatever happened we'd be friends and I'd always be there for you and you said so would you...well Ive been here if you needed me but you obviously havent for me so that says it all now i suppose

see you in November when you real friend is back

Your mate ***

 

 

********************************************************

...wow...hurtful...kinda shocked right now...

 

 

I guess I don't see why you would think you could remain in a civil relationship with someone who wrote such a mean spirited response. It's totally reverse psychology tactic..everthing in it is geared to make you feel he is being magnanimous by wanting to endow you with staying friends. Friendship is a natural caring exchange between people who have each other's best interest. It's so sarcastic and condescending. Perhaps he is hurt. I have come to realize that when people are hurt from deeper isuues they turn to sarcasm and lash out at anyone and everyone to feel on top. So they blame others and make themselves out to be like victims...they resort to using terms like "you think I'm soooo evil" (this is personally a shocker to read because once in a heated sarcastic rage from my ex he blurted out the same line. I was blown away. Like where did this evil perception come from just because I disagreed with his behavior?) People who are sarcastic or narcissistic always exaggerate in order to deflect their lack of sensitivty and make like they are the victims.

Sorry but the response was intentionally mean disguised as I'm was trying to be a good guy. Yike run from this dude.

[bendit]

Sweetie, I just realized you are 19. OK. The good news is that there will be plenty of other "ones" out there for you.

 

The bad news is you got mixed up with a very cagey, selfish, manipulative person, one who has troubles with intimacy, loving someone unconditionally, and commitment.

 

I would venture to say he has some form of NPD, a personality disorder. You can Google that or do a search on LoveShack for it. But a lot of copers here got mixed up with people like this. Its these kind of people that created the need for the Loveshack Copers forum.

 

Now, Nights. (btw my favorite band of all time is from Manchester, Joy Division) There is only one way out of a relationship with an NPD. That is the path of No Contact.

 

I believe he has NPD because I read your back-story, and his email to you, and all the signs point to it. The email above is highly manipulative, and abusive, as well as self-centered and controlling.

 

There is only one way out of this for you. It is total 100% complete with finality No Contact. I know this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear that you can remain friends that you can be his buddy and that maybe even he will change and you can have the man you dream of. Unfortunately, it can't happen imo.

 

I know you wish there was a way you could be friends, with this person but imo, there isn't. You can't be friends with an "N" who you were in "love" with. You just can't. It will ruin you.

 

You developed an unhealthy attachment to this person. A kind of dependency. And that has kept you in pain for months since the "last" break up. If you continue to have any contact with this guy, you will stay depressed, and angry, and frustrated, and wondering what is wrong with you and your life.

 

It will do you no good to stay in contact. In fact, you have to slowly but surely "withdraw" from this person, almost as if he is a drug for you. Because for you, he is a DRUG.

 

I am sorry to have to be so direct with you Nights. I just have to give you the value of my experience, and my insights gleaned from looking at hundreds of these situations.

 

There is no way out of failed relationship with a "N" other than 100% NC. Starting up with this guy again will lead you to a path to hell. It may well ruin this part of your very young life. I know you have been depressed and had a weight gain. This would continue.

 

The faster you can commit to a TRUE no contact policy, Nights, the faster you can move on from this terribly frustrating experience, to learn from it, and apply what you will learn to your next relationship.

 

Most people in their dating lives will encounter a type of "N" person. And it can be a real eye opener. It can change your life.

 

But its really really important to recognize that there is only one way out of this for you and that is complete NO CONTACT.

 

Please take the well thought out advice of the many experienced posters here who are telling you to start your NC now. Please Nights. This is not a game.

 

It HURTS to stay in contact and will always hurt. Stop the hurt. It has to come from you because he will not STOP. Ever. I wish you all the best.

 

Kind Regards

[In Sync]

So they blame others and make themselves out to be like victims...they resort to using terms like "you think I'm soooo evil" (this is personally a shocker to read because once in a heated sarcastic rage from my ex he blurted out the same line. I was blown away. Like where did this evil perception come from just because I disagreed with his behavior?) People who are sarcastic or narcissistic always exaggerate in order to deflect their lack of sensitivty and make like they are the victims.

 

 

I meant to add the other reason I was so floored by that quote was that my ex too was British and it seemed such a cruel thing project on me as I never in my mind had that thought cross my mind. It clearly worked because I ended up feeling like I had somehow made him feel bad.

[alphamale]

Sweetie, I just realized you are 19.

yep....that may be the main problem here.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I guess I don't see why you would think you could remain in a civil relationship with someone who wrote such a mean spirited response. It's totally reverse psychology tactic..everthing in it is geared to make you feel he is being magnanimous by wanting to endow you with staying friends. Friendship is a natural caring exchange between people who have each other's best interest. It's so sarcastic and condescending. Perhaps he is hurt. I have come to realize that when people are hurt from deeper isuues they turn to sarcasm and lash out at anyone and everyone to feel on top. So they blame others and make themselves out to be like victims...they resort to using terms like "you think I'm soooo evil" (this is personally a shocker to read because once in a heated sarcastic rage from my ex he blurted out the same line. I was blown away. Like where did this evil perception come from just because I disagreed with his behavior?) People who are sarcastic or narcissistic always exaggerate in order to deflect their lack of sensitivty and make like they are the victims.

Sorry but the response was intentionally mean disguised as I'm was trying to be a good guy. Yike run from this dude.

 

I know, and you're spot on....after his responce i think i've changed my mind about giving the friendship a go...he's just shown all the things about him i didnt like while i was with him. You're ex was like this too? Head mangling isn't it...

 

Sweetie, I just realized you are 19. OK. The good news is that there will be plenty of other "ones" out there for you.

 

The bad news is you got mixed up with a very cagey, selfish, manipulative person, one who has troubles with intimacy, loving someone unconditionally, and commitment.

 

I would venture to say he has some form of NPD, a personality disorder. You can Google that or do a search on LoveShack for it. But a lot of copers here got mixed up with people like this. Its these kind of people that created the need for the Loveshack Copers forum.

 

Now, Nights. (btw my favorite band of all time is from Manchester, Joy Division) There is only one way out of a relationship with an NPD. That is the path of No Contact.

 

I believe he has NPD because I read your back-story, and his email to you, and all the signs point to it. The email above is highly manipulative, and abusive, as well as self-centered and controlling.

 

There is only one way out of this for you. It is total 100% complete with finality No Contact. I know this is not what you want to hear. You want to hear that you can remain friends that you can be his buddy and that maybe even he will change and you can have the man you dream of. Unfortunately, it can't happen imo.

 

I know you wish there was a way you could be friends, with this person but imo, there isn't. You can't be friends with an "N" who you were in "love" with. You just can't. It will ruin you.

 

You developed an unhealthy attachment to this person. A kind of dependency. And that has kept you in pain for months since the "last" break up. If you continue to have any contact with this guy, you will stay depressed, and angry, and frustrated, and wondering what is wrong with you and your life.

 

It will do you no good to stay in contact. In fact, you have to slowly but surely "withdraw" from this person, almost as if he is a drug for you. Because for you, he is a DRUG.

 

I am sorry to have to be so direct with you Nights. I just have to give you the value of my experience, and my insights gleaned from looking at hundreds of these situations.

 

There is no way out of failed relationship with a "N" other than 100% NC. Starting up with this guy again will lead you to a path to hell. It may well ruin this part of your very young life. I know you have been depressed and had a weight gain. This would continue.

 

The faster you can commit to a TRUE no contact policy, Nights, the faster you can move on from this terribly frustrating experience, to learn from it, and apply what you will learn to your next relationship.

 

Most people in their dating lives will encounter a type of "N" person. And it can be a real eye opener. It can change your life.

 

But its really really important to recognize that there is only one way out of this for you and that is complete NO CONTACT.

 

Please take the well thought out advice of the many experienced posters here who are telling you to start your NC now. Please Nights. This is not a game.

 

It HURTS to stay in contact and will always hurt. Stop the hurt. It has to come from you because he will not STOP. Ever. I wish you all the best.

 

Kind Regards

 

You're right...and i will google that NPD personality disorder.

After his email responce...it was an eye opener...and made me think..why am i doing this again?...i dont want someone like that in my life....

thanks, and no hard feelings hun?

 

yep....that may be the main problem here.

 

yeah i'm inexperience...and young...but i think the bigger problem is he's 26 and behaving like that...

[In Sync]

 

yeah i'm inexperience...and young...but i think the bigger problem is he's 26 and behaving like that...

 

 

sweetheart I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay older than you...and I still got in a mess with a narcissistic person who's personality who was equally obnoxious as your ex...unfortunately you had to experience that but the great news is you'll learn from it and never invite that type of person into your precious life again! they are poisonous to our spirits. the longer you stay in contact with that poison the longer it will take to get it out of your emotional system.

 

maybe these interaction with people like that serve a purpose...since they are the ultimately the most hurtful they are the motivation seeking to build a stronger relationship with a mate who is compassionate. because we all deserve such a person in our lives.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

sweetheart I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay older than you...and I still got in a mess with a narcissistic person who's personality who was equally obnoxious as your ex...unfortunately you had to experience that but the great news is you'll learn from it and never invite that type of person into your precious life again! they are poisonous to our spirits. the longer you stay in contact with that poison the longer it will take to get it out of your emotional system.

 

maybe these interaction with people like that serve a purpose...since they are the ultimately the most hurtful they are the motivation seeking to build a stronger relationship with a mate who is compassionate. because we all deserve such a person in our lives.

 

I guess sometimes our hearts tug at us more than our heads. He is poison...he's caused me nothing but misery since he first entered my life...he wrote and recorded a song about me after the 3rd time i saw him when we were friends because i wasn't resonding to his advances (im shy lol) and he called it 'Waste Of Time'....recorded it and sent it to my best friend and her boyfriend to pass it on to me....and it wasn't nice at all....and that was after he'd only ever seen me a few times...and it knocked me and my confidence considerably and i cried alot....and i've cried ever since...he's just hurt me and hurt me and made mistake after mistake and you're right he is just poison.

Kinda put me off relationships....i just dont feel i can take that step into a relationship with anyone at all just yet...and im not sure how long it'll be before i can shake the feeling. Ahh well more time to spend on getting me sorted i guess!

[Tony T]

haha are you serious...

 

If you only knew the guy!

 

Don't worry, there's no going back from here....he's hurt me for the last time now.

 

What did you want him to do...dictate an email to Mother Theresa for delivery to you? He was frank, honest and took the time to repond that way to a communication that should have never happened.

 

Now, move on. The more you stir xxxt, the longer it stinks.

[In Sync]

I guess sometimes our hearts tug at us more than our heads. He is poison...he's caused me nothing but misery since he first entered my life...he wrote and recorded a song about me after the 3rd time i saw him when we were friends because i wasn't resonding to his advances (im shy lol) and he called it 'Waste Of Time'....recorded it and sent it to my best friend and her boyfriend to pass it on to me....and it wasn't nice at all....and that was after he'd only ever seen me a few times...and it knocked me and my confidence considerably and i cried alot....and i've cried ever since...he's just hurt me and hurt me and made mistake after mistake and you're right he is just poison.

Kinda put me off relationships....i just dont feel i can take that step into a relationship with anyone at all just yet...and im not sure how long it'll be before i can shake the feeling. Ahh well more time to spend on getting me sorted i guess!

 

Look sometimes are own egos can work against us. Instead of accepting that we may have gotten a bad apple out of the bunch we refuse to accept that this person whom we want to love us back in the way we want o be love isn't goin to. So we insist and hang aound longer than it is wiser too.

Our egos won't accept us hrowing in the towel of a failing relationship because we think we are failures. We are not. That relationship does not make us. We are suppose to have failures in our lives in everything so that we grow. Yes and the time you spend getting sorted will be rough no doubt becaue you are cutting loose this guy whom you have been attached too, but you will find that the further away from this negaitive energy your positive will replenish itself in you. But I can't emphasize enough how maintaining NC is. You will overcome this dude. And your self esteem will rise as a result.