feeling strange

[yes]

Hi... i dont know if i have a question, but i wanna type this out, and maybe somebody will have comments on it ...

 

what happened feels strange. umm i'm the one who posted abotu a guy i've been dating for a while who wdn't "make a move"? yah, so the following day, i lost my patience and kissed him when he was dropping me off after a movie... the whole night he acted his usual - hug, carry me around, playfight, but nothing more. So while playfighting, i just went for it ... He responded perfectly well - kissed for a while ... However, he'd only mirror what i'd do ... like when i pulled away, he sort of just sat there waiting what i'll do next ... so that's the first weird thing - leaving it all to me. I feel like - what? are all the other "moves" gonna be left upto me as well??

 

ANyway, he contacted me the next day, which i thought was a good sign ... i cdn't talk so when i called back later at night, i actually told him i felt strange about yesterday.. he said he felt fine about it, asked what's up with me, whether i wanna talk about it, yada yada - sounds nice. i said (dunna if i shoulda) amongst other things - that im not used to being the initiator, thats why it prolly feels strange. his response was smth like : oh u know me, im lazy... He also said somewhere in there that "nothing has changed for him" (b/c of the kissing) ... - whatever that means??

 

now im not gonna see him for at least 2 weeks b/c i have exams, and he is in hospital for three days and then he has a party at work and smth else, and i have exams this whole time anyway ...

 

This is what's most weird: i had a dream abotu my ex. my ex was the first one i ever kissed, ever did anything with, (except for sex)... So i guess it affected me that i finally broke it up by kissing another guy ... ALthough i wasn't reminded of my ex while kissing him..... ANyway, in the dream, my ex said that he rlly wants to sleep with me, and then i told him about kissing this other guy & broke up with him.

 

WHat the hell's this mess in my head?? I dont feel good or bad, just so confused... i'm happy i dont have to see the guy im dating for a while cuz ick...

 

anyway, thanks for reading, any commments??

[yes]

Lil addition:

 

the reason it feels kind of bad is cuz i feel like the guy i'm dating doesn't like me _that_ much. like he wasn't attracted to me nuff to kiss me himself ('too lazy' - what kind of an excuse is that??)... and even when i did, it's no big deal ('nothing changed for him')... etc.

 

I'm not sure what to make of his behavior.

 

He did stick around for like 2.5 months after asking me out, even tho i was breaking up, healing, etc, and all the while he thought i rejected him. AFter that, we had a talk n started the casual dating spree...

 

It's quite posible that im confused bc my ex was rlly clingy n wanted to be with me 24-7, so im not used to more healthy scenarios...

 

Is it just lack of self-confidence on my part??

 

Thanks.

Hi... i dont know if i have a question, but i wanna type this out, and maybe somebody will have comments on it ... what happened feels strange. umm i'm the one who posted abotu a guy i've been dating for a while who wdn't "make a move"? yah, so the following day, i lost my patience and kissed him when he was dropping me off after a movie... the whole night he acted his usual - hug, carry me around, playfight, but nothing more. So while playfighting, i just went for it ... He responded perfectly well - kissed for a while ... However, he'd only mirror what i'd do ... like when i pulled away, he sort of just sat there waiting what i'll do next ... so that's the first weird thing - leaving it all to me. I feel like - what? are all the other "moves" gonna be left upto me as well?? ANyway, he contacted me the next day, which i thought was a good sign ... i cdn't talk so when i called back later at night, i actually told him i felt strange about yesterday.. he said he felt fine about it, asked what's up with me, whether i wanna talk about it, yada yada - sounds nice. i said (dunna if i shoulda) amongst other things - that im not used to being the initiator, thats why it prolly feels strange. his response was smth like : oh u know me, im lazy... He also said somewhere in there that "nothing has changed for him" (b/c of the kissing) ... - whatever that means?? now im not gonna see him for at least 2 weeks b/c i have exams, and he is in hospital for three days and then he has a party at work and smth else, and i have exams this whole time anyway ... This is what's most weird: i had a dream abotu my ex. my ex was the first one i ever kissed, ever did anything with, (except for sex)... So i guess it affected me that i finally broke it up by kissing another guy ... ALthough i wasn't reminded of my ex while kissing him..... ANyway, in the dream, my ex said that he rlly wants to sleep with me, and then i told him about kissing this other guy & broke up with him. WHat the hell's this mess in my head?? I dont feel good or bad, just so confused... i'm happy i dont have to see the guy im dating for a while cuz ick... anyway, thanks for reading, any commments??

[Ed]

I think the last time I responded to you, it had something to do with him calling you his "girlfriend" and you were not comfortable with it. You were wanting to take things slow because you had just broken up with someone else. It sounds like he has honored your request.

 

What kind of relationship do you want with this guy?

 

In one of your previous posts you said you wanted to be casual dating friends with him. If that's the case and you told him so, then he will most likely treat you as a casual dating friend. What else do you expect?

 

Until he feels like you are "his girlfriend" or "one of his girlfriends", he will probably continue to just play around with you and not try to get too deeply involved. Can you blame him?

[yes]

no, he never called me his gf.

 

we're casual, but dating.

 

my break up was like half a yr ago, and thats done with, he knows it.

 

last time we talked bout it, we didnt even call it casual. i said i'd rather not put any labels and just go with it.

 

Thats it.

 

thanks for yr reply, anyway

I think the last time I responded to you, it had something to do with him calling you his "girlfriend" and you were not comfortable with it. You were wanting to take things slow because you had just broken up with someone else. It sounds like he has honored your request. What kind of relationship do you want with this guy? In one of your previous posts you said you wanted to be casual dating friends with him. If that's the case and you told him so, then he will most likely treat you as a casual dating friend. What else do you expect? Until he feels like you are "his girlfriend" or "one of his girlfriends", he will probably continue to just play around with you and not try to get too deeply involved. Can you blame him?

[ParadiseMan]

Yes,

 

You are probably a woman that doesn't like "nice" guys and think some guy that doesn't dart straight to your pants has a "problem".

 

It's women like you that makes men like me a "bad boy" and also makes me learn. I was one of those nice guys and had women like you break up with me because I didn't pound their brains out on the first two dates because I wanted to have some respect. I also wanted to get to know them and let things build up to a relationship. Anyone can have sex. This isn't something to base a long term relationship on. Perhaps one day you will find true love.

 

When things were ready then I'd make the "move" . You obviously just want some guy, any guy to grab you and have his way with you. You should try to have more respect for yourself.

 

You and 65% of the other American women are messed up in the head because of jocks in high school telling you that you are pretty. Yet you and the other 65% don't realise that those jock types were using you for the time being.

 

You really should consider this guy you are dating a "real find" and purge your slut past and try to build a real relationship.

[yes]

I have known this guy for 2.5 years okay??

 

I know him reaaal well, and he knows me very well too.

 

It's just that the dating idea came up around half a year ago...

 

Thanks for your input anyway...

Yes, You are probably a woman that doesn't like "nice" guys and think some guy that doesn't dart straight to your pants has a "problem".

 

It's women like you that makes men like me a "bad boy" and also makes me learn. I was one of those nice guys and had women like you break up with me because I didn't pound their brains out on the first two dates because I wanted to have some respect. I also wanted to get to know them and let things build up to a relationship. Anyone can have sex. This isn't something to base a long term relationship on. Perhaps one day you will find true love. When things were ready then I'd make the "move" . You obviously just want some guy, any guy to grab you and have his way with you. You should try to have more respect for yourself.

 

You and 65% of the other American women are messed up in the head because of jocks in high school telling you that you are pretty. Yet you and the other 65% don't realise that those jock types were using you for the time being. You really should consider this guy you are dating a "real find" and purge your slut past and try to build a real relationship.

 

[Ed]

So, what do you want from this guy? How do you want him to treat you? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him?

 

I would be glad to give you my opinion if I understood what you are trying to accomplish.

[yes]

Hmm, maybe this is the Qn i can't decide with myself! Thanks for asking it ...

 

I want to be dating him, incl. a sexual relnship, but i want to keep enough distance so that it's not bloody if i want to break up. He's not life-time material, i don't think - but i wanna have fun with him now! Does that make any sense??

 

I've been burned on this - dated a guy and he started 2 talk about marriage n stuff, and i broke up cuz i knew he wasn't life-time material for me... & it was bloody. That's why i'm very cautious to keep the distance... I don't want him to see me as something permanent.

 

Makes any sense?

So, what do you want from this guy? How do you want him to treat you? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him? I would be glad to give you my opinion if I understood what you are trying to accomplish.

[Ed]

Hmm, maybe this is the Qn i can't decide

with myself! Thanks for asking it ... I want to be dating him, incl. a sexual relnship, but i want to keep enough distance so that it's not bloody if i want to break up. He's not life-time material, i don't think - but i wanna have fun with him now! Does that make any sense?? I've been burned on this - dated a guy and he started 2 talk about marriage n stuff, and i broke up cuz i knew he wasn't life-time material for me... & it was bloody. That's why i'm very cautious to keep the distance... I don't want him to see me as something permanent. Makes any sense?

Makes perfect sense to me. You are the kind of girl that guys either love, hate, hate to love or love to hate.

 

Of course, we read on this message board all the time about people who are in relationships with people that feel the way you do. From one side or the other, someone is always unhappy with the state of things.

 

Many guys dream of meeting someone like you in which they get all the benefits without any commitment whatsoever. I think you could very easily and quickly find a man that is willing to date you under the circumstances you have in mind, that is, if you have the fortitude to put it to them the way you wrote it here. Not being up front about this in the beginning will almost certainly lead to a misunderstanding.

 

Having a sexually intimate relationship with someone almost always leads to deeper feelings and the desire for a commitment by one party or the other, if not both. If the deeper feelings don't materialize, the relationship does not have much basis for existence. In essence, these relationships only exist for the purpose of having someone to have sex with. If the sex is not good or if the sex is not there, then there is no relationship. It ends.

 

People will often postpone having sex with a dating partner until they are reasonably sure there is the potential for a long term relationship. Others will have sex anyway and just hope that some kind of commitment will develop later.

 

You certainly have the right to seek any kind of relationship you want. You are a lot more likely to get it if you be up front about it. It's entirely possible that this guy doesn't want a casual dating or casual sexual relationship you or anyone else. That just may be where he is in life at this time or the way he sees it. Some people simply won't get too involved with someone, sexually or otherwise, unless there is some kind of agreement between them.

 

You will always and forever take the risk of someone getting their feelings hurt once you become intimately involved. It doesn't matter if it's a friendship, dating and/or sexual relationship. Reasonably mature adults should already know this without being told, but to avoid any kind of misunderstanding, it doesn't hurt to let people know where you are coming from.

 

If you want to keep seeing him AND have the kind of relationship you described above, it would be best if you just tell him so from the outset. That way he can either accept or reject the terms and if you decide to move on, all you have to do is say "I told you so".

 

Now, does that make any sense to you?

[yes]

Yep, it does make sense. That's why i told him i dont wanna put any labels or give any explanations for the relationship. Meaning no promises - and he got it, he's cool with it. No 'contract' between us.

 

What I didn't think about is that he may be not the type who'd become sexual w/ someone who isn't committed ... Hm. Oh well - i'll leave the sexual side up to him from now on -i have fun w/ him w/ or w/out it.

 

With time, either a committment will naturally develop if we stick around each other, or one of us will drift away. Makes sense?

 

Thanks for your reply.

Makes perfect sense to me. You are the kind of girl that guys either love, hate, hate to love or love to hate. Of course, we read on this message board all the time about people who are in relationships with people that feel the way you do. From one side or the other, someone is always unhappy with the state of things. Many guys dream of meeting someone like you in which they get all the benefits without any commitment whatsoever. I think you could very easily and quickly find a man that is willing to date you under the circumstances you have in mind, that is, if you have the fortitude to put it to them the way you wrote it here. Not being up front about this in the beginning will almost certainly lead to a misunderstanding. Having a sexually intimate relationship with someone almost always leads to deeper feelings and the desire for a commitment by one party or the other, if not both. If the deeper feelings don't materialize, the relationship does not have much basis for existence. In essence, these relationships only exist for the purpose of having someone to have sex with. If the sex is not good or if the sex is not there, then there is no relationship. It ends. People will often postpone having sex with a dating partner until they are reasonably sure there is the potential for a long term relationship. Others will have sex anyway and just hope that some kind of commitment will develop later. You certainly have the right to seek any kind of relationship you want. You are a lot more likely to get it if you be up front about it. It's entirely possible that this guy doesn't want a casual dating or casual sexual relationship you or anyone else. That just may be where he is in life at this time or the way he sees it. Some people simply won't get too involved with someone, sexually or otherwise, unless there is some kind of agreement between them. You will always and forever take the risk of someone getting their feelings hurt once you become intimately involved. It doesn't matter if it's a friendship, dating and/or sexual relationship. Reasonably mature adults should already know this without being told, but to avoid any kind of misunderstanding, it doesn't hurt to let people know where you are coming from. If you want to keep seeing him AND have the kind of relationship you described above, it would be best if you just tell him so from the outset. That way he can either accept or reject the terms and if you decide to move on, all you have to do is say "I told you so". Now, does that make any sense to you?