How do women show interest in a guy?

[Ross_K]

So you're saying that someone who isn't very good looking and/or an alpha male, needs to do something to stand out even if that woman still personally finds him very attractive?

[alphamale]

So you're saying that someone who isn't very good looking and/or an alpha male, needs to do something to stand out even if that woman still personally finds him very attractive?

everyone has to have somthing to offer the opposite sex.... if you can't "bring anything to the table" then there will be no meal.

[Ross_K]

So say if someone is sat at a bar who doesn't have model looks and is not a total alpha male, what would he actually have to do to make a woman come over and blatantly hit on him?

[johan]

I'd recommend carrying a bright flashing sign that reads: "Terminally ill, expect to die by the weekend, I'm worth millions, I need to get married so that I can pass on my fortune to someone." I'd think you'd have your choice of women if you did that.

[Outcast]

Don't go to bars. Join a hiking club or a biking club or some sort of organization that encourages social interaction without the distraction of music and booze. Volunteer. Sitting around in bars hoping someone will be interested is the worst way to meet someone, IMHO.

[stoopid_guy]

So say if someone is sat at a bar who doesn't have model looks and is not a total alpha male, what would he actually have to do to make a woman come over and blatantly hit on him?

Pay her?

 

I never had luck in bars. The times I have been hit-on, it's always been at work, never been expected, and only once developed into a relationship.

[lindya]

Well you look fairly normal from your avatar, assuming that is you...

 

Correct.

 

Ross, it feels as though you're asking people to tell you what it is that's wrong with you...but from what you're saying, the trouble is not with you and who you are - it's with surrounding circumstances that are preventing you from blooming as a person.

 

Yeah it is me, but there's also photo's where I look really ugly.

 

This is the sort of thing people say when they're trapped in a negative self image, and searching for evidence that substantiates that image. Never mind all the good photos, all the positives about you. "Look for the bad stuff" says that negative self image. Why? Because we all need some sort of self image to sustain our sense of being...and even a bad one feels better than having none at all.

 

You know there's this woman in my area, who is interested in having sex with near enough anyone, she's really kinky and everything. I once thought that I might, just might have a chance with her.

 

When I told someone this, they spoke to my sister about it, and she said 'Why would she be interested in him?'

 

When people suffer from a chronic lack of self confidence, it usually has a great deal to do with their upbringing. I would suspect that your sister is, in her own way, as lacking in confidence as you are.

 

Siblings are, in many ways, almost like extensions of yourself. It's hard to imagine that someone who would make a comment like your sister made (about her own brother) has a particularly strong or positive self image.

 

What I have to offer is physical touch (cuddling, stroking hair, whatever), being caring and understanding, sex, and I dunno what else.

 

So what you're saying is that despite having people in your life who are knocking your confidence when any emotionally intelligent person would be trying to boost it, you're still a caring, affectionate and empathic person. That tells me that people like your sister haven't succeeded in turning you into some heart-dead individual. There is hope for you to get into a relationship, find love and give these things you have to give to someone who deserves (and will return) them.

 

Feeling low as you are just now, that probably seems like an impossibility - but it's not. What I think you probably do need to do is have a chat with your GP and see if you can be referred for counselling....to look at, and help undo the damage that seems to have been done to your self image. To free you from negative thinking and patterns of behaviour that are keeping you trapped in an unhappy situation.

 

This is not just about getting yourself a girlfriend, or making women show an interest in you. It's about the whole image you have of yourself. Changing that, improving it...and learning to protect yourself from harmful elements in your life who will try to hold you back from succeeding. At the moment, it sounds as though you're hoping that validation from the opposite sex will change your life. I think what you need to do is change your life first...then you might find that validation starts to arrive, without you looking for it.

[stoopid_guy]

RK, heed Lindya's wisdom.

 

And a question; You want to know how to tell if a lady's interested, but how do you show one you are interested? There's really not a right or wrong answer here, but different approaches work best for different ladies, and some approaches work for no ladies at all. And while sometimes the lady does make the first move, the vast majority of the time she's waiting for the guy to lead.

 

What sort of lady are you interested in? What attracts you? Can you rethink that? In my experience, the ladies who were most fun and easiest to get to know were actually average looking or slightly better, and had silly/sweet personalities. (And judge by the ladies you see in real life, not the women in magazines.) Is there someone you know who doesn't make you go ga-ga, but is still quite kissable and fun to be around?

[jgcampbell300]

and some will stalk you for months and text u a million times or want to hang out all the time. lol I fell for a stalker but damn when i hit the bottem it made a splat. anyways im nuts so laugh a bit and read somone elses post that knows something lol ... oh and SMILE or atleast try to

[Ross_K]

I never had luck in bars. The times I have been hit-on, it's always been at work, never been expected, and only once developed into a relationship

 

What kind of things did these women actually do?

 

Ross, it feels as though you're asking people to tell you what it is that's wrong with you...but from what you're saying, the trouble is not with you and who you are - it's with surrounding circumstances that are preventing you from blooming as a person.

 

What do you mean by surrounding circumstances? Like the area I live in?

 

This is the sort of thing people say when they're trapped in a negative self image, and searching for evidence that substantiates that image. Never mind all the good photos, all the positives about you. "Look for the bad stuff" says that negative self image. Why? Because we all need some sort of self image to sustain our sense of being...and even a bad one feels better than having none at all.

 

It's not like that, I don't always focus on the bad photo's, or believe that I must look like how I do on them. I'm just saying that I don't know whether I am nice looking or not since I have photo's where I look attractive and photo's where I look ugly. That's just being real.

 

When people suffer from a chronic lack of self confidence, it usually has a great deal to do with their upbringing. I would suspect that your sister is, in her own way, as lacking in confidence as you are.

 

Yes, I have had a very bad upbringing.

 

Siblings are, in many ways, almost like extensions of yourself. It's hard to imagine that someone who would make a comment like your sister made (about her own brother) has a particularly strong or positive self image.

 

I don't think my sister meant to be nasty with that comment.

 

So what you're saying is that despite having people in your life who are knocking your confidence when any emotionally intelligent person would be trying to boost it, you're still a caring, affectionate and empathic person.

 

Yes, that's very true.

 

That tells me that people like your sister haven't succeeded in turning you into some heart-dead individual. There is hope for you to get into a relationship, find love and give these things you have to give to someone who deserves (and will return) them.

 

I honestly don't know whether there's any hope. Before the internet, there was none. Now I do have the internet which can give me plenty of opportunities to hook up, but I can't take advantage of this since I'm now living in the middle of nowhere with social anxiety.

 

I am taking medication which seems to be working a bit and I will be seeing a psychologist. I want to get more independence and a job and a car, and then I'll be able to hook up with a woman that I've met online, if things don't work with her I'll be able to try dating sites and adult friendfinder.

 

Feeling low as you are just now, that probably seems like an impossibility - but it's not. What I think you probably do need to do is have a chat with your GP and see if you can be referred for counselling....to look at, and help undo the damage that seems to have been done to your self image. To free you from negative thinking and patterns of behaviour that are keeping you trapped in an unhappy situation.

 

Well like I said, I'll be seeing a psychologist for my social anxiety, I could ask him if my self image has been damaged, and if it is we could try and fix it, I'll also tell him about my involuntary celibacy. I think though, we'll be having to concentrate on the main thing which is SA.

[stoopid_guy]

What kind of things did these women actually do?

 

One lady I'd barely met started describing (in graphic detail) all the things she hated about going to the gynecologist and asking how I'd feel about the same things. (Maybe she wasn't hitting on me, maybe she was just loopy.) Another simply grabbed my a$$. She was the bosses wife, no thanks! Another asked me and another guy to help her move. After, she asked me to stick around, we sat on the couch and watched TV, had a few drinks, and wound up kissing. We dated each other for several months. (Great relationship, but she was way too jealous.)

 

There have been other instances where the lady showed interest but was much more subtle, long eye contact for no good reason, casual touches, etc. but these were generally where I was also showing interest, so really hard to say who started it.

 

I am taking medication which seems to be working a bit and I will be seeing a psychologist. I want to get more independence and a job and a car, and then I'll be able to hook up with a woman that I've met online, if things don't work with her I'll be able to try dating sites and adult friendfinder.

 

That's great! Getting more independence is a major step in the right direction.

[lindya]

What do you mean by surrounding circumstances? Like the area I live in?

 

Not necessarily the area you live in. Just anything you deal with on a day to day basis that might negatively affect the way you see yourself

 

I'm just saying that I don't know whether I am nice looking or not since I have photo's where I look attractive and photo's where I look ugly. That's just being real.

 

Truth doesn't have to be viewed in a harsh, degrading way. Truth doesn't mean you have to apply negative and depressing words like "ugly" to yourself. You could pick up the worst photo of yourself, laugh and say "I look like monkey **** in this picture." Just by doing that, you're helping to diminish the importance of that picture in your own mind.

 

Yes, I have had a very bad upbringing.

 

Hopefully counselling is going to help you look at how things that were said and done to you in childhood affect the way you perceive the world (and your place in it) today.

 

I don't think my sister meant to be nasty with that comment.

 

No, that's why I mentioned the way siblings are often like extensions of yourself. If someone has a low self image, they might include their immediate family in that low self image. If you and your sister were both treated badly as children, it might be that you've got into the habit of reinforcing eachothers negative beliefs. Not out of any desire to hurt eachother - but rather, in a strange way, to protect eachother. Trying to toughen eachother up in order to prepare for future pain.

 

I honestly don't know whether there's any hope. Before the internet, there was none. Now I do have the internet which can give me plenty of opportunities to hook up, but I can't take advantage of this since I'm now living in the middle of nowhere with social anxiety.

 

I am taking medication which seems to be working a bit and I will be seeing a psychologist. I want to get more independence and a job and a car, and then I'll be able to hook up with a woman that I've met online, if things don't work with her I'll be able to try dating sites and adult friendfinder.

 

It sounds as if you've got a pretty clear plan there, which is far more than a lot of people have. I get the feeling that you'll do very well out of your sessions with the psychologist.

 

like I said, I'll be seeing a psychologist for my social anxiety, I could ask him if my self image has been damaged, and if it is we could try and fix it, I'll also tell him about my involuntary celibacy. I think though, we'll be having to concentrate on the main thing which is SA.

 

I don't know what else to say. You seem to have this pretty well covered! Well done on sorting out a strategy for dealing with this, and best of luck. I really do think, from the "can do" attitude you're expressing here, that things are going to start working out well for you.

[blind_otter]

Ross, it feels as though you're asking people to tell you what it is that's wrong with you...but from what you're saying, the trouble is not with you and who you are - it's with surrounding circumstances that are preventing you from blooming as a person.

 

I have to disagree strongly with this assessment. Environmental factors can and do affect a person to a certain degree. But the degree to which those things affect them are entirely within the individual's control. How you choose to react to events that occur in your own life strongly affect how you feel about yourself.

 

If you attend to these issues proactively, without being passive and whiney, you tend to "roll with the punches" much better than those individuals who sit around crying about how unfair it all is without putting much investment into being aware of why their circumstances seem to be so goddamn sh*tty.

 

Never blame others for where you are today. You are there entirely by your own choice, your own actions. No one can "make" you feel anything that you don't allow them to.

 

I think the issue is that Ross has fixated on getting pussy as the only clear marker of where his self esteem should be.

[lindya]

I have to disagree strongly with this assessment. Environmental factors can and do affect a person to a certain degree. But the degree to which those things affect them are entirely within the individual's control.

 

Ultimately, yes...but wouldn't you agree that some people have an innate ability to manage environmental factors in a positive way, whilst others require a bit more guidance to do so?

 

A badly abused child, for instance, is likely to be affected by his environment unless there's some sort of positive intervention that helps him to take control. Some people never get that positive interaction...eg counselling. Maybe they don't recognise that anything's wrong because they accept their own reality as "normal"....or they refuse to accept that with assistance they could learn to manage their perceptions and reactions to potentially destructive things in their immediate environment.

 

I'm just not for the "stop whining about bad things that have happened to you, and start taking a bit of control" approach unless the person's going round in circles, presenting reasons for not getting assistance and insisting on remaining in a victim role.

 

Ross doesn't strike me as falling into that category. He's fixed up a meeting with a psychologist, and he's worked out a plan for improving his life. It sounds like he just needs a bit of support and encouragement in following that plan.

[blind_otter]

I've seen other similarly themed posts. How do I get a woman and all that. I find it hard that someone who obviously has enough wits about them to put their issues together in a coherent package can be so utterly dense about how desperation is the worst cologne, or how they can ignore the very popular self help-isms floating around in our vernacular that indicate that only someone who is happy and confident with themselves can truely achieve a fulfilling relationship.

 

It's hard to understand how someone can distill the persuit of happiness within relationships into getting pussy.

[alphamale]

It's hard to understand how someone can distill the persuit of happiness within relationships into getting pussy.

are you having a bad day B_o?? Normally this would not bother you

[Ross_K]

I've seen other similarly themed posts. How do I get a woman and all that. I find it hard that someone who obviously has enough wits about them to put their issues together in a coherent package can be so utterly dense about how desperation is the worst cologne

 

How do you know if they act desperate or not though when they're offline?

 

I don't.

 

or how they can ignore the very popular self help-isms floating around in our vernacular that indicate that only someone who is happy and confident with themselves can truely achieve a fulfilling relationship.

 

Maybe because they've never been given a reason to believe that this is definatley true, or maybe they haven't heard this at all. I've only heard this about 2 or 3 times. How do I know whether it's just an opinion or not?

 

It's hard to understand how someone can distill the persuit of happiness within relationships into getting pussy.

 

I don't understand what you're saying there, are you saying that I think the only way I can be happy in a relationship is by having sex?

[Ross_K]

I have to disagree strongly with this assessment. Environmental factors can and do affect a person to a certain degree. But the degree to which those things affect them are entirely within the individual's control. How you choose to react to events that occur in your own life strongly affect how you feel about yourself.

 

If you attend to these issues proactively, without being passive and whiney, you tend to "roll with the punches" much better than those individuals who sit around crying about how unfair it all is without putting much investment into being aware of why their circumstances seem to be so goddamn sh*tty.

 

Never blame others for where you are today. You are there entirely by your own choice, your own actions. No one can "make" you feel anything that you don't allow them to.

 

I guess you're right to an extent, even with someone who is so messed up that they can't sort it out themselves, they can always see a psychiatrist or psychologist or counciler. Which is what I will be doing, I've just got to wait, since I'm on the waiting list.

[blind_otter]

How do you know if they act desperate or not though when they're offline?

 

I don't.

 

I can. It's like the attitude exudes from their writing style.

 

I've only heard this about 2 or 3 times. How do I know whether it's just an opinion or not?

 

When I am presented with a problem, personally, I research it. Which may be just a coping mechanism but it has helped me in the past. Self reflection in addition to research into my areas of weakness have been the hallmarks of any progress I've made.

 

I don't understand what you're saying there, are you saying that I think the only way I can be happy in a relationship is by having sex?

 

No, more like it seems you believe the way to happiness, fulfillment, or a better life will automatically come when you have a woman. When, in fact, relationships are the road to more heartache and insecurity unless they are built from a good foundation wherein both parties challenge each other to be good people, while challenging themselves to be the best they are capable of being.

[Ross_K]

No, more like it seems you believe the way to happiness, fulfillment, or a better life will automatically come when you have a woman. When, in fact, relationships are the road to more heartache and insecurity unless they are built from a good foundation wherein both parties challenge each other to be good people, while challenging themselves to be the best they are capable of being.

 

Well that's not quite true, most of my unhappiness and unfullfilment, is from spending the whole of my life (30 years) without ever having so much as ever touching a woman, or a woman acting like she's attracted to me. So yes, having a girlfriend, serious relationship or one night stand would make me feel a lot more happy inside, would bring me great fulfillment and be really good for my well being. The other things that are causing my unhappiness and unfulfillment is living in an area that I don't like, having SA and I think maybe I'm suffering from slight depression.

[Max Overclock]

The Social Anxiety disorder treatments, and the trips to your medical provider are extremely important.

 

Nonetheless, there are a couple of things that some other posters have said that are important also.

 

Sounds to me like you need to maybe become a bit less sensitive & nice. Although women may say they are attracted to those qualities they are generally not thought of as being "masculine". Forget everything your mom and sister taught you or told you.

Amen, amen, and amen.

 

Bravo Alpha!

 

This is the sort of thing people say when they're trapped in a negative self image, and searching for evidence that substantiates that image. Never mind all the good photos, all the positives about you. "Look for the bad stuff" says that negative self image. Why? Because we all need some sort of self image to sustain our sense of being...and even a bad one feels better than having none at all.

 

Precisely said, lindya! It's what we call "a self-fulfilling prophecy." We get an idea in our mind about what we are or what we look like, and then we go about finding evidence (and BTW, we do this almost subconsciously) to sustain that negative idea. Otherwise, we would have to go along without a reason why things aren't working out for us. Truth is, changing those ideas about ourselves is likely the most key step in starting down a new path of fulfillment and happiness.

 

When it comes to body language and the kind of person we project ourselves to be (in a non-verbal way) using it, many women tend to be very tuned-in to those signals.

In effect, you can say reams of things to a girl, without having to utter one single word. Women tend to be natural communicators, and they pick up on body language and non-verbal communication in general fairly easily. What's the consequence of this? Well, project that you're alone, hopeless, sad, feeling unlovable, etc., and you will repel women like you never thought possible. The good news? Be cocky & funny, playful, self-confident and assured in yourself ... and they pick up on it equally as quickly ... and respond very positively.

 

I know ... it sounds questionable. I felt that same way. BUT Believe it ... I've seen the change firsthand. When it happens, it's simply wild! Plus, it's quite the turn-on to realize just how much the gals "understand" where you're coming from when you project yourself positively.

 

Seeing your counsellor will help you reshape your self-identity by tearing down those negative, self destructive thoughts and images that you've built for yourself to believe over time.

 

But you know what? I'd start affirming myself now if I were you. Just because your sister (or family) said something, doesn't mean that she's completely self confident herself, or that she is any expert on what you appear to be to other women.

 

All the best.

 

Max

[Sand&Water]

Wow!

 

This thread is so familiar to me. You guys covered a lot of issues, the vaste majority of people suffer from, including me.

 

Anyways, Ross you are not alone. Not everyone is so lucky, in terms of attracting women - or vice versa. It is good to see, you're visiting a psychologist for your personal well being. It really helps your self-esteem in the long run - unfortunately I can't say the same for myself.

 

Invest your time and money in some self help social anxiety books, psychology books. I might, even, take out a few books for myself - since I haven't read one in a long while.

 

Max pointed out few good points, as well as others.

 

It is really frusturating to see people infront of your face, bragging about the women they attract, the looks, the sexual attraction. My brother talks and talks so much about the girls that give him looks, the body language, the conversations. It's an ego boost for him all the time, and above that he asks for encouragement from me on 'How-to-improve-myself-so-that-I-can-get-more-girls". In the end - what do I get - a smile from a guy or a simple glance (-short stare) if I'm lucky.

 

Keep working on it, you'll improve. A little more confidence helps.

[Ross_K]

RK, heed Lindya's wisdom.

 

And a question; You want to know how to tell if a lady's interested, but how do you show one you are interested? There's really not a right or wrong answer here, but different approaches work best for different ladies, and some approaches work for no ladies at all. And while sometimes the lady does make the first move, the vast majority of the time she's waiting for the guy to lead.

 

What sort of lady are you interested in? What attracts you? Can you rethink that? In my experience, the ladies who were most fun and easiest to get to know were actually average looking or slightly better, and had silly/sweet personalities. (And judge by the ladies you see in real life, not the women in magazines.) Is there someone you know who doesn't make you go ga-ga, but is still quite kissable and fun to be around?

 

I was going to answer this yesterday but I completely forgot.

 

It's hard to explain how I show a woman I'm interested, if I'm confident and comfortable, I just feel like I'm naturally acting as though I'm interested.

 

The sort of woman I'm interested in is any, and waht attracts me is almost anything, I find aout 98% of women very appealing.

[aljc123]

women have probably liked you...some are terible at showing it, go the other way, even avoid completely the ppl they like they are so shy! and it could just be that you are waaay bad at reading the signs!!

[Ross_K]

I'm finding a lot of the stuff that peopel are saying hard to understand, but I'll try my best.

 

The Social Anxiety disorder treatments, and the trips to your medical provider are extremely important.

 

Nonetheless, there are a couple of things that some other posters have said that are important also.

 

Amen, amen, and amen.

 

Bravo Alpha!

 

So what is it that making you people think too I'm sensitive and nice, is it because I felt down because my sister said why would the local nymphomaniac who was interested in ****ing near enough any guy be interested in him?

 

 

Precisely said, lindya! It's what we call "a self-fulfilling prophecy." We get an idea in our mind about what we are or what we look like, and then we go about finding evidence (and BTW, we do this almost subconsciously) to sustain that negative idea. Otherwise, we would have to go along without a reason why things aren't working out for us. Truth is, changing those ideas about ourselves is likely the most key step in starting down a new path of fulfillment and happiness.

 

I really don't understand why people are thinkingg all this kind of stuff just because I'm not sure of how I look.

 

In effect, you can say reams of things to a girl, without having to utter one single word. Women tend to be natural communicators, and they pick up on body language and non-verbal communication in general fairly easily. What's the consequence of this? Well, project that you're alone, hopeless, sad, feeling unlovable, etc., and you will repel women like you never thought possible. The good news? Be cocky & funny, playful, self-confident and assured in yourself ... and they pick up on it equally as quickly ... and respond very positively.

 

So if I feel that I'm alone, hopless, sad (I know I'll project that if I'm feeling it), feeling unlovable, etc. I'll be projecting these things?

 

I find it hard knowing where to draw the line though, in just improving myself, and not actually being myself anymore and trying to act different.

 

Do you know what I mean?

 

Becoming more confident is okay, I'm still being me, but then trying to become or act cocky & funny seems like I wouldn't be being myself anymore.

 

But you know what? I'd start affirming myself now if I were you. Just because your sister (or family) said something, doesn't mean that she's completely self confident herself, or that she is any expert on what you appear to be to other women.

 

All the best.

 

Max

 

What does affirming myself mean and how would I do it?