Some girls are just cruel...

[sibernox]

And that's true...now now ladies, don't attack me here, I said "some"...Let me explain myself.

 

I'm 18 in 2 weeks first of all. In may of this year, I used to work at a local fast food place which is right next to my house, and one of my coworkers (we'll call her Jane) was a georgous girl. I really liked her, and I was a man on a mission. We started talking a bit more and more, I asked for her MSN and added her, we started talking there and on the phone, and it was going good.

 

On May 26th, she was working, so I decided to pay a little visit. Went to work and then walked her home (she doesn't live far either). We got to her house, and we were standing really close to each other, every part of my body said I should kiss her, but I didn't, and went home.

 

The following day, May 27th, she was working from 4 to 10:30 PM. At about 3:15 PM, I went on MSN and she was on, asked her if she wanted me to walk her to work, she agreed and we walked together. Got there at 4, and my friend was supposed to call me at 5:30 or so so we can hang out, but he called at 6 saying he couldn't make it. So I thought I should go home, but she insisted I stayed, I was happy obviously and stayed.

 

At about 9 or so, it was just me and her in the store, and we were standing really close, and I don't know why, but I whispered out "Can I kiss you?", she smiled and said no. I was the most miserable man on the face of this earth, but I still walked her home that night. We got to her house, we were standing there, and she goes "So you gonna kiss me now?", and I did.

 

I cannot not tell you how happy I was. She had to go though, so I made my way home. Following day, she was busy, so we didn't talk. On the 29th though, she called me to hang out at her house, I went and we were sitting on her bed and we started making out, she said she had never been that far that quick before with a guy, and I said that we should take things slow. So we hung out for a bit more and then I went home.

 

The following day I went to visit her at work but she was in a really bad mood and told me I should go home, so I did. Day after, I get a phone call from her and she says she "can't do this right now," I ask why, she answers by saying that she "really needs to concentrate on herself." I just said I had to go and hung up, turned off the lights and went to bed. That's how down I was.

 

Called her a couple days after, asked her to reconsider, told her we won't rush into things, she said she only wanted to be friends right now. She then had to go on holiday for 2 weeks, and only came back a couple days ago, but she's been talking to me on MSN and calling me a couple times. Now, I REALLY like this girl, more than any girl I've known, she makes me happy, she makes me feel like everything is good, she makes me feel like I don't need anything in this world to make me happy except her, like everything is fine...I don't know how to explain it, but I need help.

 

I want this girl to give me a chance, I want her to know that if she does, I will treat her like a princess. What do I do?

[justagirliegirl]

treat her like garbage and she'll be chasing you.

[Tony T]

It's obvious that she wants you to go slow, or so she says. Girls that age want what they can't have. She practically spelled it out for you in the beginning.

 

I'm not going to suggest you treat her like garbage but definitely don't eat her stuff, don't be so available to her, don't act so much like you care about her, be unpredictable and go about your life as if it doesn't matter whether she's in it or not.

 

Once a girl discovers you are really into her and you act like a wussie about it, it's all over. Give her the challenge of her life. Trust me on this.

[Max Overclock]

I want this girl to give me a chance, I want her to know that if she does, I will treat her like a princess. What do I do?

 

K...

 

I have some good news and some bad news. The only major miscalculations that you made were:

 

(1). You made yourself too available for her.

 

(2). You resorted to asking her to reconsider a relationship.

 

The first problem could have easily been remedied. How? By not being available to her at all times she might IM you (being busy talking to someone else), seldom (if ever) walking her to work, reducing phone calls with her to 5 min or less (tactfully finishing up the conversation if you found you were running toward that "end of 4 minutes mark" and then getting ready for the fifth minute exit...), etc.

 

The second problem was a more grave error ... almost "begging" for her to rethink a relationship.

 

Let me explain.

 

See, a couple of days after you both had the NSE (nearly sexual encounter), she gave you a call and broke the news that she had pulled an "all stop" on ya. Hey, let's face it ... she got scared off or whatever ... no biggie ... but then you, "just said {you} had to go, and hung up, turned off the lights and went to bed."

 

Don't get me wrong ... I understand all too well how that felt. Hey, all of the guys on this board were probably in the same situation once or twice at your age ... and it sucked big time!

 

In my older years, though, I now realize what I should have done in that situation. I just wish I had been told then what you're about to be told now:

 

What you did wrong was that you took her comments personally. Instead of getting down, ya shoulda took it as a sign to go do things with your friends, keep busy, find a hobby ... find a new girl to flirt with ... whatever it took to be busy and somewhat unavailable for her.

 

In order for a girl to want a guy, he has to be attractive to her. This doesn't necessarily imply that you need to be a certain specific body type to be attractive (although this will help the process greatly). What is important, however, is that a guy spark that attraction in a girl.

 

Girls are attracted to a guy who's exciting. They like a guy that is a challenge, a bit of a teaser, somewhat opinionated, and definitely self confident, secure, and strong.

 

See, sibernox, asking her to take you back was not attractive behavior. I'm not saying that to be hard on ya ... quite the opposite. I just want you to remember what not to do for the next girl ... or this girl, if you're up for a bit of an experiment.

 

IF ... and I do mean IF ... you still want her (remember great girls really are dime a dozen at your age, man) I suggest switching the tables on her a bit. Do some of the things that I've suggested above. Don't be a door-mat for her. Don't be constantly available, etc. See, that's clingy, wuss-like behavior. That will repel her like magic.

 

Plus, I fear that this "clingy" type of behavior at this point might perhaps get you caught into a great friendship with her. Yup, you saw that right. A friendship with her. That would be one of those arrangements where you both get to talk for hours, you help her with her problems (with guys, etc.), you give her friendly hugs, and who knows ... maybe you even get to cuddle for hours on end with her.

 

BUT ... this same friendship with her will mean you will likely NEVER be any more than a guyfriend to her. Guyfriends sledom morph into boyfriends. Fact is, girls love having close friends, especially guy friends. Very seldom is it that girls will get intimate with their guy friends and become their lovers.

 

In other words, if you become her guyfriend, you will get the emotional connection, and quite likely none of the physical connection with her (that I'm assuming you will eventually want) as a potential boyfriend.

 

As a final point, please ... please don't go into a relationship with the feeling that you have to treat her like a "queen."

 

If you do, she may well expect that treatment after some time, and I'm thinking that you will not likely be fond of that after a while. If you did get her, and treated her "like a queen," her respect for you as a guy will eventually nose dive. That's clingy, and unattractive. That'll be the beginning of the end.

 

Treat her like the normal, fallible human being that she is. Don't bend to her every whim, and when she screws up, call her on it. Be a man.

 

Remember, being a man does not mean that you disrespect her, or treat her poorly. The point is not to treat her like a monster would. What I am saying is that you treat her as well as you would a good male friend, except with the understanding that she (hopefully) might be your girlfriend.

 

Don't be too available. No contact is the way to go for a bit. (Remember, if she calls, 5 minutes maximum, etc.)

 

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. As much as I know how you feel when you meet a girl that you just "can't live without," I can now bring you good news from the other side of that feeling:

 

You can live without her. There are other great girls out there. You're worthy of any of them.

 

Cheers!

 

Max

[Outcast]

There's really no need to get into all the fake machinations of pretending to be a 'challenge'. Men tell that to themselves to comfort themselves when they get turned down.

 

Your mistake was not taking 'no' for an answer. That's annoying and shows you don't respect her wishes. It's not that women like a 'challenge' but rather that nobody, male or female, likes to be pushed, whined at, and nagged when they've made a choice. Yes, they do owe you an explanation but she gave you one. Now what you do is accept what she says and that way show that you respect her wishes.

 

What you need to be is not clingy. Not so lacking in character that you are unable to amuse yourself without being glued to someone. Not desperate.

The opposite of those things is not being a 'challenge'. It's just being normal and balanced.

 

Guyfriends sledom morph into boyfriends.

 

Every day on LS there are posts from both women and men whose fondness for their friends has grown into love. Almost as often, there are posts from married women and men who thouight their innocent friendship with someone of the opposite gender would never turn into anything else, only to find they've fallen in love with their friends.

 

It's a myth that friendship never leads to love.

[sibernox]

Wow...wasn't expecting anyone to read my long post to be honest with you, but thanks a lot guys.

 

Now...I understand that I shouldn't be too clingy, but I sometimes can't help it. Like, I miss her. I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks now. The other day, I was going to a festival with a couple of friends, and I was talking to her online before I left. And she was like "Aww you're so lucky you're going" and I replied by saying "I would invite you but I'm not sure if you'll like my friends" and she said "Aw that's sweet that you wanted to invite me though" and I said "Would you come though?" she said "But you didn't really invite me" to which I replied "Ok...I hereby invite you" and she said she doesn't have a bus pass, I told her my friends drive, she went quiet for a couple of minutes and then said "Aw man I'm so sorry I can't go my mom said I have to eat first". I said it's fine and wtvr...I went out. She called me that same night though saying she was walking home and she was scared, she told me her mom let her go out later, and we talked for a while.

 

Thing is, I don't know what I should do now. I know I should ignore her for a bit, but it's really hard. Like, I really want to see her, and I don't know whether I should ask her if she wants to hang out or what.

[JCD]

Outcast took the words right out of my mouth. I see all kinds of relationships in my workplace ie. guy with a clingy woman and it works for them or vice versa. Everyone is different and there are some crazies out there that like playing mind games and it's too much work and soon you'll be asking yourself if you're going insane or what the heck is wrong with this girl. Your girl seems to be wishy washy meaning she doesn't know what she wants and is not a strong woman or mature for that matter. So dump her and find someone else. I was like you, felt that this girl made me happy and complete. Like there was never anyone like her and I had to do everything I could to keep her. But the longer I was with her the crazier she was and her decisions were immature. She could be sweet but underneath a bit mad/complaining, etc. It only took me 4 months to find her faults whereas in the beginning from what she told me she was nearly my ideal woman.

 

What you need to do is date a lot of girls so you learn what personalities they have so that you can then pick and choose the ones that satisfy you. You don't want to run into the first girl, get obsessed about her because she gave you a chance and then get depressed when she changes her mind.

 

In my experience what happens is that your first love hurts the most then as you progress with other women it hurts less. You begin to see them for what they really are and that alleviates the pain so you don't feel it that much and instead you become watchful and pick better girls next time.

It's basically a new learning experience and it takes a while for you to become good at it. Then you will not be asking her to take you back because by that time you've grown some backbone

[JCD]

I see you wrote more. Don't be someone you're not. Do as you feel and see where that takes you. So go ask her out and spend time with her so that you get to know her. If she pulls the same crap again then dump her because you're either her safety net or she's nuts or both Trust me, when a girl is into you she will do anything to be with you. I had a couple of those that buzzed around me like flies but I wasn't physically attracted to any of them. Actually, one was 10 out 10 but mentally she was a 0. I got to have a balanced girl.

[whichwayisup]

She could have had some bad experiences...Either in her upbringing, maybe a bad relationship, or maybe she's just plain scared of getting involved.

 

Back off abit, let her come to you. Let her know too, that you do understand and that is it okay.

 

If you like her, then wait this out and see what happens. Never rush a good thing...

[Max Overclock]

I should have initially noted that the ideas that I have described here often do draw fire from members of the opposite sex.

 

Remember, the types of qualities that women desire in a longterm mate are often not the same as those that spark their attraction initially.

 

I disagree completely that women do not like a challenge, and I believe that through close examination of relationships on the whole, one can reasonably expect that such a stance on the part of a male is quite desirable by many many females in the general population. Undeniably, it is true that some exceptions exist, but remember that in life exceptions do not constitute a majority.

 

As Outcast points out, and quotes from my original post:

 

Guyfriends sledom morph into boyfriends.

 

<snip>

 

It's a myth that friendship never leads to love.

 

Seldom is the term in operation here. It is not that girls never become lovers with a guy who is initially a close friend. Exceptions are in existance, and due to the very nature of LoveShack's directive, exceptions voiced on these discussion boards often look mistakenly like rules of thumb for "offline life."

 

Again, as I noted in my OP, I would treat this as merely an experiment to try. Let's face it, even if she doesn't want you as a boyfriend (right now), as Outcast rightly points out, one has to be mature and accept this possibility.

 

From what you've said, you clearly like her a great deal, and it may be quite hard on you to be around her as a close friend to any great extent if at the same time you want more. You won't progress in a relationship with her as more than a friend (right now). Respecting her wish on this front may well be best accomplished by reducing contact between you both while you look for outside activities, hobbies, and love elsewhere.

 

Doing these things can be nothing but therapeutic for you both.

[Outcast]

Perhaps it's an issue of semantics. I really have yet to meet a mature (i.e. beyong 25) woman who is looking for 'challenge'. That's a Harlequin thing. I've yet to see 'challenge' on any woman's list of desirable qualities in a male. In fact 'challenge' can very often be a pretty name for 'obstinate' or 'controlling' or 'narrow-minded' or 'self-centred'. None really desirable qualities.

 

So, pray, what are you thinking when you use the word 'challenge', Max?

[sibernox]

I greatly appreciate all your input, but I'm kind of confused now. Some people have said that yeah, I should ask her if she wants to hang out, and others have said that I should ignore her for a while, or so to speak. Now, isn't hanging out with her being clingy, being needy? That's the issue I'm confused about. She's going away for two weeks tomorrow, so I guess I'm gona be distanced from her anyway...

[Yamaha]

You were rejected and you must accept it at face value. She decided that she didn't want anything with you but gave you the consolation prize of friendship. If a friendship with her is OK with you then just ignore your feelings of love and passion and be her buddy. If you find this unacceptable then you must find other things to keep yourself busy and, by all means, date. She is not the only women out there and your capacity to care again will surface. With 6 billion people in the world I think there is someone equally as fun and cute and utterly captivating as her.

[Max Overclock]

You were rejected and you must accept it at face value. She decided that she didn't want anything with you but gave you the consolation prize of friendship. If a friendship with her is OK with you then just ignore your feelings of love and passion and be her buddy. If you find this unacceptable then you must find other things to keep yourself busy and, by all means, date.

 

Exactly, Yamaha. Irrespective of the points of view we've all expressed, the fact is that in the end sibernox, it really comes down to what you now want with this girl. The ball really is in your court.

 

If all you want is a close friendship with her, then by all means hang out with her to your hearts content.

 

But, if you'd end up spending time with her as a friend, and at the same time constantly having those faint hopes in the back of your mind that it could turn around into something more, I suggest that you do exactly as we've suggested.

 

Hey, remember, there are any number of intelligent, well-rounded, attractive women your age that would love to meet someone. As great as any one woman might appear at first blush, there are always many others who are equally worthy of your affection. I suppose what I would want you, as a young man, to do is to adopt a "next" philosophy. Don't become clingy, hanging on to lost causes or "iffy" girls, etc. Gather your faculties and go on the search again. Create a mentality of "abundance" within your own mind instead of a mentality of "the one."

 

Let us know what you decide, sir.

 

Max

[burning 4 revenge]

don't become the friend. i did that and the feelings for me never came back. all the things Max Carress said happened. the hours of cuddling, the holding hands in public, even the occasional sweet little kiss. but her desire for me had evaporated

 

she even had the nerve to call me her best friend a couple of times KNOWING full well that it was causing so much pain. she wanted me, her ex-boyfriend of almost a year, to sit and listen to her talk about relations with other men. "real men", get what i'm saying

 

if she was a friend, a real friend, she would have said it's best for us not to communicate

[Guestsdfdsf]

It doesn't sound like it's you because she wanted a kiss from you etc, so all those "get the girl attracted to you" techniques probably wouldn't work anyways. It sounds like she came off of a relationship not long ago and probably doesn't want to get hurt again. I am not sure exactly where to go from here. Maybe let it rest for a week or so and possibly get her jealous by coming by with another woman.

[sibernox]

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...and if ignoring her for a while is what I have to do, then I guess I'll have to do that...I hope you guys are right.

 

When she comes back from her holidays though, we'll only both be in town for a couple days before I go on my vacation for 2 weeks, and after that, we'll only see each other in college as we're both going to the same one...You have no idea how scared I am that she'll fall for some better looking guy with a nice car or whatever...I'm terrified.

[JCD]

Go to her and ask her how she feels about you. If she rejects you then you have to keep an open mind for other girls and don't let this one distract you from them. I would not play mind games with girls because it always results in drama. Communication is the key that way there is no second guessing.

[typical]

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...-sibernox

 

At least for now, anyway. Once the newness wears thin, you'll be checking out whatever new dish shimmies past you and you'll swear up and down that:

 

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...-sibernox

 

only at the end you will include that "the only problem is, I have a GF"

 

Maybe this chick instinctually knows this and is keeping you at bay. Some girls are wise like that.

[juniper fumes]

I generally agree with Outcast and Yamaha. This girl has indicated she doesn't want to be more than friends with you, and it's really not helpful to her or you to plot and plan ways to change her mind.

 

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...and if ignoring her for a while is what I have to do, then I guess I'll have to do that...I hope you guys are right.

 

I sympathize with your feelings; many of us have been there. However, at this point, it doesn't seem like she's offering you the option of being more than a friend. And that's something you have to accept. I don't think that "ignoring her for a while" (nor other suggestions such as meeting a new girl to make her jealous) as a tactic to manipulate yourself into your heart is a healthy for anyone.

 

Perhaps you should think of it as simply you moving forward, open to meeting new people. If you are truly comfortable being friends with her, then that's great. But if your friendship is going to be ruined by "terror" of her meeting a guy she's interested in (which she has every right to do, so long as she has not made a romantic committment to you), or consist largely of you anxiously analyzing every communication you two engage in to look for hidden messages, then you have the right to turn down the friendship offer and spare yourself that pain.

 

I know your experience with this girl is meaningful and important. But you can't force her to want you for a boyfriend, and it's not a good thing for you to try to do, either, for your own sake.

[superfreak]

...With Max Caress's first post. I mean, as a woman, wholeheartedly and 100%. That is exactly what I want from a man -- one who will pursue me and treat me respectfully, while acknowledging that I am a human being with faults and a strong need not to be treated as a prima donna (i.e., "Queen").

 

While I have to admit that occasionally, a guy friend may end up being some kind of weird, shameful sexual encounter that just sort of results from estrogen and testosterone being in the same proximity together, I have to say that my closest guy friends would probably never result in any kind of relationship. This is not to say that my friends are not attractive either physically or intellectually; this is to say that I value our relationship, as friends, far too much to muck it up with a bunch of physical mumbo-jumbo.

 

I would have very much liked to have pulled a quote out of that first post (quite frankly, I didn't read the rest), but I couldn't find a suitable one liner. I agree with it all.

 

Kid, you're in good hands. Listen to the man. Don't wuss out. Don't try to be some kind of pitiable doormat; romantic is OK, sure, but save it for the right times. Don't beg -- it makes guys look desperate and pathetic. I don't mean to be hard on you either... It's just that it's the prime reason for me, as a female, to break off relationships because they just don't offer the kind of thing I want. I view that whole doormat thing as a lack of masculinity, and it's not endearing or indicative of undying love. It's just...

Sad.

 

At any rate, he's right when he says that at your age there are tons of really great girls to choose from. If this one doesn't pan out, go figure. Nurse your hurt feelings and move on. There's a great big world out there -- go enjoy it!

[sibernox]

I cannot tell you guys how much appreciate all the advice. I'll keep it all in mind, thanks a lot.

[sibernox]

only at the end you will include that "the only problem is, I have a GF"

 

Maybe this chick instinctually knows this and is keeping you at bay. Some girls are wise like that.

 

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I don't have a gf.

[Mary3]

Wow...wasn't expecting anyone to read my long post to be honest with you, but thanks a lot guys.

 

Now...I understand that I shouldn't be too clingy, but I sometimes can't help it. Like, I miss her. I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks now. The other day, I was going to a festival with a couple of friends, and I was talking to her online before I left. And she was like "Aww you're so lucky you're going" and I replied by saying "I would invite you but I'm not sure if you'll like my friends" and she said "Aw that's sweet that you wanted to invite me though" and I said "Would you come though?" she said "But you didn't really invite me" to which I replied "Ok...I hereby invite you" and she said she doesn't have a bus pass, I told her my friends drive, she went quiet for a couple of minutes and then said "Aw man I'm so sorry I can't go my mom said I have to eat first". I said it's fine and wtvr...I went out. She called me that same night though saying she was walking home and she was scared, she told me her mom let her go out later, and we talked for a while.

 

Thing is, I don't know what I should do now. I know I should ignore her for a bit, but it's really hard. Like, I really want to see her, and I don't know whether I should ask her if she wants to hang out or what.

 

This is the Kiss Off....Making excuses after excuses....If she WANTED to go believe me she would find a way....to be with you.

[typical]

Quote:

Originally Posted by typical http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/buttons/viewpost.gif

only at the end you will include that "the only problem is, I have a GF"

 

Maybe this chick instinctually knows this and is keeping you at bay. Some girls are wise like that.

 

 

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I don't have a gf.

 

Meaning, after you finally get her, you will then turn around and feel the same thing for another chick

 

hence:

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...-sibernox

 

Typical--At least for now, anyway. Once the newness wears thin, you'll be checking out whatever new dish shimmies past you and you'll swear up and down that:

 

Quote:

 

I want to be with this girl, I want to be romantically involved with her, I don't want to be just a friend, I want more than that...-sibernox

 

 

typical---only at the end you will include that "the only problem is, I have a GF"

 

Maybe this chick instinctually knows this and is keeping you at bay. Some girls are wise like that.

 

I was just pointing out that some girls have a radar that can instinctually pick up on guys that are only in it for the short term, maybe she feels like you wont be in it for the long haul and thus not entertaining your amorous feelings for fear that it will all be for naught.