What, No Daddy Issues??

[nips5050]

So I was looking at this "Family Issues" forum and it seems like everyone has mommy issues. I actually was surprised by that only cuz you always hear about people with 'father issues" (me being one of those).

 

Are there others on here who have issues with their dad like me???

[owcanbhppy]

i had some in the past, but we worked thru them. i can now speak to him about almost everything(one thing i wont discuss, screen name being a hint).

 

what have you not yet worked out w/ your father?

[nips5050]

i had some in the past, but we worked thru them. i can now speak to him about almost everything(one thing i wont discuss, screen name being a hint).

 

what have you not yet worked out w/ your father?

 

Well I've forgiven my dad for abandoning me as a child and not being around and we have a better relationship now than we ever have in the past but I'm just having a hard time acccepting him teh way he is and i HAVE to because he'll never change. He is narcissistic so you really can't work out much with a narcissist - their worlds are so "me" centered that you could tell them a million times how much they have hurt you and how you want things to be different and it won't change anything because that's the world of a narcissist. He won't change and it's taking me a lot to learn that.

 

He recently: Forgot my birthday, didn't attend my graduation from seminary (where I received my master's degree) (he was fishing, that's why he didnt come), and he didn't come to his own nephews (my cousins')wedding!!!!! The whole family is pissed at him for that one. I told him it hurt me that he didnt come to my graduation and he said, "I was fishing" and I said, "wow, fishing is more important than my graduation from seminary" and instead of appologizing he started talking about the fish he caught...i was dumbfounded and I think a horse could have crawled into my mouth!!!!! So yeah...that's the BS I have to put up with and it's just hard to accept him as a narcissist. I hate it. Sucks.

[Outcast]

Yes, but unfortunately it is what it is. Life will not go the way we want and people will not be the way we want them to be. So quit hoping he'll change - that's just hoping for the impossible. Understand he's built differently.

 

People do not choose to have disorders. They're born with broken brains or they acquire them through some sort of trauma or stress and - as you see - often don't realize there's something wrong that needs to be repaired.

 

It's not as though he singles you out for this treatment; everyone in his life is ignored equally. So think of him as a somewhat flawed model and enjoy what you can find to enjoy about him. He actually deserves some sympathy, because he'll never manage to sort out how to not leave a pile of upset people behind him.

[amaysngrace]

It's not as though he singles you out for this treatment; everyone in his life is ignored equally.

 

This is so true. I am trying very hard to teach my children this as well. Their dad is a narcissist too. I hope they understand, especially my 8-yr old son. His self-esteem is fragile, at best.

 

I think the good thing out of all of this is you are probably very good at recognizing Ns. And hopefully you will apply what you know when choosing a BF, so you can avoid getting involved with a man like your father.

[owcanbhppy]

nip, may i 1st say, CONGRATULATIONS on your graduation from seminary!!!

 

i agree w/ most of what out said, except "he will never" id change to he may never. he might, might not. either way your best favour to yourself is to live in a way that makes you happy.

 

look how capable you are, whether or not he has the ability to see beyond himself & tell you so or not. tell yourself. really, really hear it when others tell you.

 

narcissists can be so hurtful and annoying, esp when its your parent, but they are so hurting inside they dont have anything left to focus on others & usually dont even realize it. they miss so much & on some level understand it which leaves them more empty. they still see it as something thats been done to them.

 

i will suggest something that helped me, if you feel you can do it. try to feel compassion for the pain in him. if you know anything about where that came from, feel it for him & wish it away for him. you may find you understand him better.

 

in my case, i never mentioned that i had done those things, maybe he sensed it, maybe its a karma factor, but it seems he received the blessing i sent, had more peace w/ himself, final product, a more peaceful relationship btwn us.

 

healing thoughts to you.

[Craig]

[RAMBLE]

 

I used to have 'daddy' issues but over time I realized that he had some good reasons for being the way he was. He could have worked on himself sure but he wouldn't see that there was anything wrong with him.

 

Things changed for me when I changed. Accepting that he was the way he was, would not change and that this is as good as it was going to get. So I stopped expecting him to be the TV daddy, accepted that not every kid gets one, treated him politely, with respect and didn't discuss anything deeper than the weather with him. The hate I had for him was redirected to hate for his actions and feeling sorry for him as a person. In other words my relationship with him went from near constant conflict internally and externally to a smooth sail where I could appreciate his better qualities. My expectations of him had gotten in the way of any decent relationship I might have with him. Once my expectations for a broken man to act 'normally' were gone, things were better between us.

 

One of the things that still amazes me is how my own perception of people is that they are somewhat normal and don't obviously show that they have exceptional events in their history. We don't wear our past experiences on our foreheads. I've met some extraordinary people and contrary to the TV/Movie images that I was fed from an early age they appear to be very normal, very average.

 

My father as a youngster in Europe endured the front lines of the second world war crossing his village twice and saw things that a 7 and 9 year old should not see. He talked about this one time only and described things that were unbelievable to me at the time--things that I found out only after he died that do happen in intense fighting with artillery barrages. He left Europe on his own (no support) when he was 17 years old and endured the prejudices and hatred that some immigrants to the new world experienced. He got kicked around but wouldn't give up and eventually did good. Surely all of this would have an effect upon anyone.

 

He was broken and maybe he didn't realize it or something else motivated him to avoid looking for ways to become healthier emotionally.

 

What ever it was that made him the way he was didn't matter, why he did the things he did didn't matter. In the end the only thing that mattered was my own attitude towards him and my expectations of him. When I changed myself it was as if he had changed.

 

Now that he has been dead for a while I can honestly say I don't have any regrets about the outcome of our relationship. Sure, sometimes I wonder how things might have been if things were different but life is not about what could have been.

 

[/RAMBLE]

[HokeyReligions]

are you sure hes a narcissist? Maybe fishing is just more important to him. There is no law that says family must come first and people should sacrifice everything for their family members.

 

The last couple of generations have been telling themselves to do what makes them happy and if they don't want to participate in a family event if they won't enjoy themselves or don't care about it or have something else planned - they shouldn't change it just because some family members insist on it. It's the Just Do It generation. Why are we surprised and hurt then when someone doesn't show up for a wedding or a graduation?

 

Yes, I'm playing devil's advocate here. Suppose he was in a once-in-a-lifetime fishing contest likely to win and wanted you there to support him and celebrate his victory. Would you have skipped your ceremony? You would still have earned your degree (congrat's btw! )

 

We can hope that the things that are important in our lives will hold the same degree of importance in the lives of those we love, but that just isn't always the case. I don't think it means their brains are broken because they don't follow a hoped for behavior.

[Tony T]

Hokey, I reviewed that post again. If he's not a narcissist he is certainly one of the most incredibly self-centered baxtards I've heard tell of in a very long time. Narcissist = self-centered baxtard = same thing, different names!

 

Fathers are supposed to be there for their children. It takes the lowest form of scum of a man (no personal attack against nips5050's dad intended) to abandon his child at any age. Maybe he's socially inept or just plain mentally challenged. I always thought it was instinctual to be there for your children. OK, if he's not a narcissist then he's brain damaged...I'll give you that!

 

There are so many men who are just plain no good as dads, even when they remain around. There are men who ought to have their balls removed early on so they can't have children. Don't even try to get me to be blunt about this!

[Curmudgeon]

Better get used to it because it won't change. Simply treat it as what it is, a personality disorder. Have no expectations to the contrary and you'll never be disappointed.

 

The ex is a narcissist but even she is nothing compared to my current mother-in-law. She's the worst I've ever had the misfortune to know and my wife and I have had nothing to do with her for about six years. It was the only way.

 

You can't reason with them because they just can't get it. Like you said, the world revolves around them.

[nips5050]

You guys are all right!

 

You know, 6 years ago I accepted the way he was and things had been REALLY good. Even tho he did some stuff within those 6 yrs, it was ok cuz I chose not to let it bother me. For some reason, these 3 events (all within a mth of each other) just was too much for me at once. AND to see he was upsetting other people in the family really got me mad.

 

OUTCAST: You said, "It's not as though he singles you out for this treatment; everyone in his life is ignored equally." - then how can he be married?? My step-mom is his PRINCESS...OMG seriously he'd die for her (even tho I dont know why...she's nothing special).

 

OWCANBHPPY: I've been trying to do that. Just recently it's been bugging me. My dad knows that I forgave him for abandoning me as a child (and I still do forgive him) I just have ot constantly remind myself that, no, he's not the man I want him to be. Usually I express my feelings to him (my hurt, anger) and then I move on and treat him like nothing happened. And he knows this..is that bad? I dunno. I did end it for a year and when I called him after not talking to him for a year, he cried. So I know he has a heart in there somewhere!!!!

 

HOKEYRELIGIONS: I think you have a valid point. He didnt seem to really understand how the wedding and my graduation were more important than working and fishing. (did I mention my dad's job is a fishing manager and everythign is 'fishing' 24/7 - if he's not working,he's fishing. When he's working, he's talking and selling fishing LOL) I agree - everything has a different level of importance to each of us but dont you think that we should also support one another, even if what is important to the other person doesn't matter to us at all?? At least that is how i live.

 

TONYT: Thank you!

 

Like I said, I just need to keep reminding myself - he is who he is. I support him and acccept him. I express my thoughts and feelings to him, not so much cuz i hope he'll change but because I need to for me. If he responds, sweet...if not, oh well. But i need to not let it bug me when he doesn't respond teh way I want. Now I can understand that and believe it, I just have to WHOLEY accept it.

[wddcjordan]

Everyone that knows my father has issues with him, his brothers ,his sister, his children. Everyone. We have never worked through our problems probably never will. He left us when we were young and never looked back (although to hear him tell it we were all he thought about). I lived with him for about a year when i was 15, that didnt work out to well. But it was my one chance to get to know him and figure out i didnt like what i saw.

 

Hes a drunk and a dope head and has been all of his life. He is insane. I said to his brother the other day that me and my father are comfortable with our relationship, he looked at me funny and I said I am comfortable with him being at his house alive and I am sure he is comfortable with me being at mine alive.

 

If I arrive at a family function that hes at he leaves within 10 minutes. And that is my relationship with my father, not my daddy, my kids have a daddy a father is completely different. I figure it must be a whole generation of us , because all of our parents where on something what can we expect it was the 70s. We should all just be happy that we survived. And be comfortable with your relationship whatever it is, dont let him use you or abuse you in anyway.