lilyogifrog Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Hi, I guess that this post is looking for any advice from army wives or girlfriends that have gone through deployment- or even a returned soldier that can give me some insight. My boyfriend is in the army and deployed after we had been together nearly a year. He returns in 3 months, but found out that he will redeploy after being home not even a year, to leave again for another tour. After he found out this news, he told me that he wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and move on. I love him, and I want to be with him and just take things day by day. We are both in our 30's and I know what a committment that marrying him would be, and honestly it doesn't scare me a bit. What should I do, can I do to reassure him but not pressure him, is this normal, or is this a behavior that someone else has experienced? Or is there maybe no hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Sally00 Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Hi, I guess that this post is looking for any advice from army wives or girlfriends that have gone through deployment- or even a returned soldier that can give me some insight. My boyfriend is in the army and deployed after we had been together nearly a year. He returns in 3 months, but found out that he will redeploy after being home not even a year, to leave again for another tour. After he found out this news, he told me that he wanted me to stop putting my life on hold and move on. I love him, and I want to be with him and just take things day by day. We are both in our 30's and I know what a committment that marrying him would be, and honestly it doesn't scare me a bit. What should I do, can I do to reassure him but not pressure him, is this normal, or is this a behavior that someone else has experienced? Or is there maybe no hope? There's hope. Tell him that you are willing to wait for him (if you are). It's normal to feel like you are committed to him and want to be married. I mean, ya'll are both in your 30s... it's pretty much about time to get committed/married, I would think. I have a boyfriend and he's thinking about going into the Air Force. We're so in love and I'm willing to wait for him, too. (I'm 20 and he's almost 20). Honestly, I hope he doesn't go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyogifrog Posted July 24, 2006 Author Share Posted July 24, 2006 Hang in there, he will go through a lot and so will you. Being in a relationship with a military person is a lot more challenging - but rewarding. Being a girlfriend is even more difficult because you are left out of the loop so much and the wives tend to stick together and aren't the most welcoming at times. You play a much bigger role than just girlfriend once he joins the military. You literally can help or hurt his career, you have to be alone a lot, and you have to still take care of him. It's a very unselfish thing, and sometimes it takes a while for them to see what you do for them as they almost become expectant as in that environment its normal for the wives to forgo a lot to take care of their husbands- but you are still a girlfriend- and me, I would give up the world for my boyfriend but I am not going to follow him to his next assignment unless we are at least engaged, its a big sacrifice. Its stressful because you are part of his life, but really not, and its seems that so many other people that are less close to him than you are know so much more and are a part of his life in a different way. Link to post Share on other sites
rina_r Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I will soon be in a situation like that. I am dating a great guy who will be deployed in couple of months. He will be gone for a year. I dont know how I will mak eit but i know he is worth waiting for. Link to post Share on other sites
Road Rage Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 He`s just not that into you. Any man who loved a woman would be asking her to marry him rather than asking her to move on. Of course I can be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I agree with road rage with one caveat: He could just be testing your commitment to him by seeing if you agree to leave him. I am sure if he cares for you but is unsure of your commitment to him that he'd rather find out before he ships out again, then to get a dear john letter while he's overseas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilyogifrog Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 Thanks for your feedback. I am hoping that we can get on the phone and talk and at least agree to see each other and determine how we actually "feel" when we are around one another. Its hard, but I have been more than understanding and I just don't know if this is what is normal for military wives...if it is, how in the hell do they cope with their husbands detaching for a year and putting them through so much...and so many of them are running a house with kids and a lot more responsibility than me. I go back and forth on what to do, he still cares for me and he doesn't say he doesn't...he just says that he feels guilt for me having to wait around for him with my life on hold. If he comes home and we can't get through it and determine if we are worth something to one another then I will move forward...but for now, my gut tells me to at least wait for him to get home. The military relationship is not for most people, that is for sure. You are #2 at best most of the time, sometimes #3 - but for good reason, and it tugs at your ego and it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 What he and you are going through is usual. Especially during deployments and when his next orders come up. I can say this from experience and current experience as I am with a military man. I suggest that the best thing to do is tell him that A) your life is not on hold as you are living it and choose to include him in it. You are not living for him, but WITH him (so to speak) B) you will make decisions when the time arises as you do not hold a crystal ball and neither does he. C) You will not end something special prematurely without have having fallen out of love with him. Love is what you make of it and if you do not survive the hurdle of some distance then how strong is your love to begin with. (Military wives are strong and they succeed at their relationships because of the love they share with their spouses). D) Tell him you will not move on unless the love has gone... it is worse to be without him entirely than have a few months of distance between you two. I tell this to my partner every time I see that look in his eyes, you know the one - the what the hell are you doing with me? look. It always reassures him and makes him feel good that I am not sacrificing myself and my goals for him, but make him part of them. Good luck, Alex D) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 My friend is with a Marine who will be deployed in 1 1/2 wks. She went through the same thing. When he found out he was getting Deployed he said she should move on and she told him that she would wait for him. He came home on leave and before he had to leave again he asked her to marry him and they went to the court house and got married. When he gets back they are going to have a full blown Marine wedding. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
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