letting go

[Katherine]

So, thanks to Tony and Princessa for reading my previous email about my break-up. I broke down today and called my ex and believe I now have clarification on the situation. I know now that it's not really because I left the country to go to the US, it's about realistic long-term prospects...not about logic, about the heart. Yes, it was difficult to hear someone say 'I'm a romantic too, I have a huge heart, and if I felt what you are feeling in your heart, I'd be trying to get to the US or happily waiting for you to return here. I have that same ability in me, it's just not happening with you. I'm able to let you go, and move forward.'

 

Yes, very very tough to hear. But I think as sad as I may feel now, it has released from feeling regret on my part (should I have stayed in Europe? etc). I really have no choice but to totally forget about him now...he has moved forward without 'pining away' for me. It doesn't really hurt him anymore. For him, it's a memory of a beautiful year, but also knowledge that the relationship was given a chance, and that it was not meant to be forever...

 

so, I am thankful to this message board for support. And for giving me the strength to communicate and get that closure. I think it will mean the difference, in recovery time (if that makes sense)...you know there are people who just hang on, and hang on and before you know it a year has gone by...I just cannot do that. I am in mid-30's, have been through previous serious relationships and just cannot 'pine away'...I don't know what phase of recovery is next, any thoughts out there?

[midori]

I have been going through a very similar process myself. I don't for a minute think that I have the right answer (I doubt in fact that there is a right answer to be universally applied) but I've found that this can be an opportunity for self-reflection, learning how you are in relationships, what you seek in relationships and are willing to give, etc. As you pull out whatever lessons this relationship holds for you, you may well find (as I have) that you're more at peace with the relationship's demise. Or at least you have a better understanding of what was really going on. In your shoes (and I have been wearing a very similar pair this year) I would be wondering: "how is it that our love for each other was so real and so fulfilling but he's been able to walk away without a backward glance?" I'd also be wondering, "if it wasn't as meaningful and promising to him as it was to me, how come I didn't sense that? Why didn't I pick up on the fact that he wasn't all the way there?" To name but a few. Perhaps you'd have different questions. I do think it's good to allow yourself the space to ask them, it can lead to a lot of new insights and you'll be much better positioned to find someone who will truly fulfill your needs if you understand some of your own dynamics and driving forces.

 

As for how to get over him/move on/find someone new: my advice in this is to not obsess about any of it. Time & insight will slowly do the trick. You never know when you'll meet someone new. On the other hand it's a good idea to get out and make/meet friends, have a social life. That'll keep you somewhat distracted, and it may well be the way that you'll ultimately meet someone else and move on.

 

I'm sorry, by the way. I know first hand how much it sucks to have someone you love so dearly say, "no I don't really miss you and I don't feel you're worth pursuing if it involves inconvenience." It really sucks. You may well eventually find that this guy isn't really worth the hassle and emotional toll that keeping in touch with him as a friend will take.

 

Good luck

[boo boo]

I think the most important thing here is that he thought you were not worth the inconvenience to him, and so it is clearly time to forget and move on. Believe me when I say there is someone much better and suited for you out there and it will not all be an up hill struggle getting there either. The best relationships in the world are not built on complicated, off- on good times -bad times and months spent in dire confustion -will he call me?? stuff- but you will find someone you fit with and dont even notice how well your getting along and close you become until you take a step back and say' wow we must be soul mates!!!' the trouble and strife will be non-existent and above all you will be happy. If you firmly believe that you can become happy with someone then the chances are you will!!!

 

But remember to be yourself when you venture out looking after new friends and a social life from my experience the best and most important people in your life are found when you are totally being yourself. goodluck!

I have been going through a very similar process myself. I don't for a minute think that I have the right answer (I doubt in fact that there is a right answer to be universally applied) but I've found that this can be an opportunity for self-reflection, learning how you are in relationships, what you seek in relationships and are willing to give, etc. As you pull out whatever lessons this relationship holds for you, you may well find (as I have) that you're more at peace with the relationship's demise. Or at least you have a better understanding of what was really going on. In your shoes (and I have been wearing a very similar pair this year) I would be wondering: "how is it that our love for each other was so real and so fulfilling but he's been able to walk away without a backward glance?" I'd also be wondering, "if it wasn't as meaningful and promising to him as it was to me, how come I didn't sense that? Why didn't I pick up on the fact that he wasn't all the way there?" To name but a few. Perhaps you'd have different questions. I do think it's good to allow yourself the space to ask them, it can lead to a lot of new insights and you'll be much better positioned to find someone who will truly fulfill your needs if you understand some of your own dynamics and driving forces.

 

As for how to get over him/move on/find someone new: my advice in this is to not obsess about any of it. Time & insight will slowly do the trick. You never know when you'll meet someone new. On the other hand it's a good idea to get out and make/meet friends, have a social life. That'll keep you somewhat distracted, and it may well be the way that you'll ultimately meet someone else and move on. I'm sorry, by the way. I know first hand how much it sucks to have someone you love so dearly say, "no I don't really miss you and I don't feel you're worth pursuing if it involves inconvenience." It really sucks. You may well eventually find that this guy isn't really worth the hassle and emotional toll that keeping in touch with him as a friend will take. Good luck

[Katherine]

Many thanks for all the support. I will say this; I am lucky that this guy is being totally honest and upfront with me. We did share a wonderful year together, but then I left the country. I thought it ended because I left, and after speaking with him, I now know this is not the case. As he said, that's WHEN it ended not WHY it ended. So he has released me from feeling regret for leaving...I don't have to torture myself with thoughts of what if? I guess I must have known all this -- somewhere in the subconscious -- and that by leaving I was taking care of myself. My instincts told me to get out there -- that as great as you feel with this guy -- something isn't right.

 

I wish I could be more in touch with the reasons why this relationship wasn't right for me either in the long run. This man is a wonderful man, but there are reasons we are not together...how do I get in touch with those reasons? Any advice appreciated.

I think the most important thing here is that he thought you were not worth the inconvenience to him, and so it is clearly time to forget and move on. Believe me when I say there is someone much better and suited for you out there and it will not all be an up hill struggle getting there either. The best relationships in the world are not built on complicated, off- on good times -bad times and months spent in dire confustion -will he call me?? stuff- but you will find someone you fit with and dont even notice how well your getting along and close you become until you take a step back and say' wow we must be soul mates!!!' the trouble and strife will be non-existent and above all you will be happy. If you firmly believe that you can become happy with someone then the chances are you will!!! But remember to be yourself when you venture out looking after new friends and a social life from my experience the best and most important people in your life are found when you are totally being yourself. goodluck!