Wife not Interested...To cheat or not??

[bextreme1]

I have been with my wife for 20 years and we have one child. I have always been faithful to her but she has cheated once(long time ago). She has not been really interested in sex for a few years and it's really getting tiresome. I don't want to leave her as otherwise things are good but I do have needs and they are clearly not being met. I don't think it's selfish to want a normal sex life. She will never bring up sex and can go months without it. She has seen a doctor and there is nothing wrong with her hormones. It's in her head. She has the usual range of excuses from I'm tired to it was a bad day at work. I have tried everything from flowers to jewlery to dinner dates and going places she likes and I hate. Nothing seems to work. We have also been to counseling.

 

What to do? I work mostly from home and I do everything around the house from cooking to cleaning. Most of the time my son and I have to eat alone at dinner. She works late too often and yes, she is in her office when I call.

 

What I have been thinking about is trying to find someone in a similar situation and having some fun. A woman who, like me, is happy or doesn't want to leave her family. Although I have no idea where I would find someone like that(I'm not a bar person). I know there are plenty of women in the same situation I am in. Maybe one of you is in a similar situation. What do you think??

[lindya]

What I have been thinking about is trying to find someone in a similar situation and having some fun. A woman who, like me, is happy or doesn't want to leave her family. Although I have no idea where I would find someone like that(I'm not a bar person). I know there are plenty of women in the same situation I am in. Maybe one of you is in a similar situation. What do you think??

 

What do you think would happen if you sat down with your wife and told her more or less what you've just told us here? That generally things are good, but that the sexual aspect of the relationship seems to have died, that you don't want to spend the rest of your life being near celibate and that you're wondering whether the best solution would be for you to get your sexual needs met elsewhere?

 

Is your wife somebody who you think could handle an open and honest discussion about something like this? Would it be possible for the two of you to return to counselling so that you could broach a subject like this in the presence of somebody who could help both of you to manage the discussion in as non-damaging a manner as possible?

[bextreme1]

What do you think would happen if you sat down with your wife and told her more or less what you've just told us here? That generally things are good, but that the sexual aspect of the relationship seems to have died, that you don't want to spend the rest of your life being near celibate and that you're wondering whether the best solution would be for you to get your sexual needs met elsewhere?

 

Is your wife somebody who you think could handle an open and honest discussion about something like this? Would it be possible for the two of you to return to counselling so that you could broach a subject like this in the presence of somebody who could help both of you to manage the discussion in as non-damaging a manner as possible?

 

I did try that and of course, she said no way. If you are a woman, how would you feel if someone told you that? I know there are some who are comfortable with that. We've discussed this in counseling and so far nothing has come of it. She's stressed out from work etc. are the excuses. In the past it might be OK for a week or two but it falls back into the pattern after a while.

[reddog63]

What I do not understand is why you stay in the marriage. If she will not fullfill her side of the marriage, why waste your time?? She is likely not to change. Only way she might possibly change is if she realized she was going to loose you. And if she does not care enough under those circumstances, then she does not care enough, and you might as well find someone else anyway.

[norajane]

How long has she been working this job with the long hours? Does it coincide with the timing of when she started to lose interest in sex?

 

Does she enjoy her job despite the fact that it makes her stressed and tired? Maybe she could consider changing careers for something that is less demanding. I spent years feeling exhausted until I left my job. Suddenly, the whole world became a much brighter place to be and everything else in my life got better. Thing is, I didn't even realize what a toll it had taken on me until I was out of it.

 

A pressure cooker at work can kill a sex drive. Anxiety, stress, exhaustion, always needing to be 'on', always dealing with deadlines or travel...none of that makes a woman feel sexy.

[Craig]

Just to answer your first simple question. No, don't cheat. You have a great track record that is there for a reason, there's no need to blow it now.

 

I agree with some of the other posters about stresses in life possibly reducing your wife's sex drive. If your wife can work on reducing the effects of stress then perhaps the sex drive will return. But she must want to reduce the effects of stress.

[Trimmer]

I did try that and of course, she said no way. If you are a woman, how would you feel if someone told you that? I know there are some who are comfortable with that. We've discussed this in counseling and so far nothing has come of it. She's stressed out from work etc. are the excuses. In the past it might be OK for a week or two but it falls back into the pattern after a while.

A fundamental question for me is: does she recognize and/or acknowledge that this is a problem in your marriage? Do you feel like she understands the level of concern that you have over this issue? Or are things just fine with her, and does she think there's no "real" issue, or that it's just something that you have to get over?

 

If, after attempts at clear, honest communication and even counseling, she doesn't see it as a problem, then that's your first problem...

 

(And I agree with Craig - take the high road on the cheating thing. Going outside your marriage - unless you can achieve some kind of honest, open agreement with your wife - will cause much more difficulty than it will solve in the long run...)

[JamesM]

First, to answer your question...unlike others here, I am not going to say don't cheat. Having been where you are, I will not say it is easy not to do. I will let you make your decision yourself. In a way, you seem to have already because in the first post here, you asked if any members wanted to hook up with you. Probably not appropriate here...this is not a Singles/Adultfriend Board.

 

Now, this issue at hand is to find out why she doesn't want sex. In my case, it was a thyroid problem, not hormone. The change in medicine caused a complete turnaround in the sex department. We are a walking ad for Thyrolar.

 

Since you have been married 20 years (me 16), it is not advisable to throw this overboard. You mentioned that she cheated once a long time ago...how long ago? How long of an affair? Are you positively sure there is no more since? Why did you stick it out then? When you do the flower and jewelry thing, is the purpose that you want sex or is it because you value her as a partner and friend? Do you two have a great friendship? If you both had a free evening, would you want to spend it with each other, someone else, or alone?

 

Please give more details. I found that there are some very wise and experienced individuals here. It would be well worth your time to get their advice.

 

I am guessing that this is a bit of a last ditch effort. I know mine was when I came here. A poster gave me the idea for thyroid med change. This changed our marriage and my wife's life. Your solution may just be in the next couple of posts. Hang in there...don't jump ship yet.

[Desi]

No, I wouldn't cheat on her... we all answer to God. She will have to answer for not fullfilling her wifely duties, which is not fair to you... but you don't need to sink to her level. Maybe something is wrong with her. Remember your wedding vows? In sickness and in health? However, I am not saying you are wrong to be upset... she is not treating you the way she should... show her your postings. Ask her what she wants to happen. Are you sure she isn't cheating? Maybe she needs to quit her job. Lastly, please don't act out of hurt or anger... you'll only regret it. I hope this all works out for you, and you will be in my prayers.

[stoopid_guy]

I'm in the same boat, and now infatuated with another woman. My wife and I haven't been intimate in several years, despite my efforts and frustration. I haven't cheated, but it's not easy not to.

 

To me, she has no obligation to "serve you" sexually. On the other hand, you have no obligation to stay in an unhappy situation.

 

My suggestions; Try your best. Make sure she knows how you feel. Relieve the sexual tension by "taking care of youself" while you give her time to address the problem. Every few months, decide whether or not it's worth it to continue the relationship. If so, great! if not, get out.

[bextreme1]

First, to answer your question...unlike others here, I am not going to say don't cheat. Having been where you are, I will not say it is easy not to do. I will let you make your decision yourself. In a way, you seem to have already because in the first post here, you asked if any members wanted to hook up with you. Probably not appropriate here...this is not a Singles/Adultfriend Board.

 

I must not have been clear, I did not ask anyone to hook up with me. I was merely trying to say that if I was going to do something, that would be the type of woman. My last 2 lines were not to solicit someone, rather to get information from others in the same situation as me. I should have made a new paragraph. And I am sure there are people on here who have probably hooked up or become involved. It could be a natural extension of things people are going through. After all, PM's are not censored. Not what I was trying to do!

 

I know she isn't cheating, it was 15 years ago that something happened and it was very short. I'm really good at seeing the signs and knew almost immediately. Funny, JamesM mentioned Thyroid because she was just diagnosed with a thyroid problem and has started taking medication for it. Maybe that is one of the problems.

 

As far as her job, yes, it can be long hours and stressful but she makes a low six figure income. Not exactly something you give up easily, especially with a child in private school and other expenses. We are not in any debt except for our mortgage and I intend to keep it that way. She does enjoy her job and really would not want to stay home.

[JamesM]

Thyroid disease can BE the only problem. My wife completely lost her libido over time and interest in sex, and she tried to blame it on headache, stress, nausea, children, me, no feelings for me, etc. Interestingly enough, when the libido came back...everything else went away.

 

I know some will be skeptical that just one thing could do so much...I would, too, but I saw with my own eyes what a difference this made.

 

Give her meds a couple of weeks to see the difference. Also, please have tests done regualrly. If she was put on synthroid and she still as symptoms but her numbers say "normal," please don't give up. The synthroid could not be the right med.

[JamesM]

Oh and for kicks, read my first post where I started a similar thread. You can see all of the many things that could have contributed to our problem. Just the meds did the trick.

[Trimmer]

Wow - the thyroid connection seems like too much to be just a concidence...

 

bextreme1 - if you don't know how to search for someone's older posts, click on JamesM's screen name near one of his posts, then select "View Public Profile" if a menu pops up. On the profile page, on the left side, click on "View all threads started by JamesM", and you'll get a new page with a list of links. Specifically check out his "intimacy has returned" thread listed there. Quite dramatic, and it was directly related to thyroid meds...

[ILoveDaniel]

I have been with my wife for 20 years and we have one child. I have always been faithful to her but she has cheated once(long time ago). She has not been really interested in sex for a few years and it's really getting tiresome. I don't want to leave her as otherwise things are good but I do have needs and they are clearly not being met. I don't think it's selfish to want a normal sex life. She will never bring up sex and can go months without it. She has seen a doctor and there is nothing wrong with her hormones. It's in her head. She has the usual range of excuses from I'm tired to it was a bad day at work. I have tried everything from flowers to jewlery to dinner dates and going places she likes and I hate. Nothing seems to work. We have also been to counseling.

 

What to do? I work mostly from home and I do everything around the house from cooking to cleaning. Most of the time my son and I have to eat alone at dinner. She works late too often and yes, she is in her office when I call.

 

What I have been thinking about is trying to find someone in a similar situation and having some fun. A woman who, like me, is happy or doesn't want to leave her family. Although I have no idea where I would find someone like that(I'm not a bar person). I know there are plenty of women in the same situation I am in. Maybe one of you is in a similar situation. What do you think??

 

I can't believe you'd even think about doing something like that.

[kulyok]

As far as her job, yes, it can be long hours and stressful but she makes a low six figure income. Not exactly something you give up easily, especially with a child in private school and other expenses. We are not in any debt except for our mortgage and I intend to keep it that way.

 

Let me see... you are willing to destroy your marriage by cheating, but you intend to let your wife suffer, if it lets you keep the level of comfort you like?

What is your priority: your wife's emotional peace, or your expenses?

 

(It might well be your problem: that she feels you are using her for her income, in a way, and not love her as a special person. Which _can_ be untrue... but does she know that?)

 

She does enjoy her job and really would not want to stay home.

 

Did you ask her about that? Face to face? Or do *you* think so? It is an important difference, because you can't know what she thinks.

 

As well, giving up that particular job does not necessarily mean staying at home. Part-time jobs and part-time consultants are common these days, not to mention outsourcing.

[norajane]

As far as her job, yes, it can be long hours and stressful but she makes a low six figure income. Not exactly something you give up easily, especially with a child in private school and other expenses. We are not in any debt except for our mortgage and I intend to keep it that way. She does enjoy her job and really would not want to stay home.

 

First, please do look into JamesM's threads regarding his wife and thyroid meds. I had no idea thyroid issues could cause sexual problems and was amazed to read how much of a difference it made.

 

However, I beleive you also should seriously explore the job issue with your wife. I'm speaking from experience as my job also provided a six figure income - they don't pay you that much money unless there's a LOT of stress involved! And as I indicated, you don't necessarily realize the full toll it takes on your health and well-being while you're in the midst of it.

 

I also thought I liked the travel, the excitement, the adrenaline, working with so many extremely intelligent people, the challenge, etc. In the end, though, everything else in my life suffered, especially my personal relationships with friends, family and lover. When you have to put so much energy into your job, it doesn't leave you much for other people or yourself. All I wanted to do on weekends was make sure to get my laundry and dry-cleaning done and veg out on the couch with a book or tv and my cat so I could recharge just enough to make it through the next week.

 

Leaving her job doesn't mean not working or taking a huge salary cut. I actually found another job that paid me more than what I was making, but allowed me to have less stress because I didn't have to travel as much and the work environment (managers) was very different.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have been in your position. My husband wouldn't meet my needs.

 

Someone found me who was also having the same problem. We never intended to leave our spouses.

 

The problem with that is, you are so starved for the connection that once someone starts meeting those needs- it's easy to fall head over heels with that person. Very easy.

 

The affair scared me into leaving my exhusband. Not for the other guy- he is still married. My exhusband found out and both myself and the OM have gone through hell over one incident.

 

I wish 1000 times I would have just left my marriage honorably. Because I was a fantastic wife and mother for over ten years- yet no one remembers that. No one remembers he left me at home all the time my myself and didn't meet my needs. The only thing that is remembered is that I cheated. Don't kid yourself it will be the same thing for you.

 

If you do try one more time to make her see how serious this is and it doesn't work then why not try separation to get her to see how important it is. If this is something you cannot live without then please leave your marriage first.

 

That way you're free to find someone else and be happy and so is she and your character is not blemished by one act.

[bextreme1]

I can't believe you'd even think about doing something like that.

 

It sometimes amazes me how pompous some people are. If you've never been in my position then you really aren't in the position to give advice or make judgements.

 

Let me see... you are willing to destroy your marriage by cheating, but you intend to let your wife suffer, if it lets you keep the level of comfort you like?

What is your priority: your wife's emotional peace, or your expenses?

 

(It might well be your problem: that she feels you are using her for her income, in a way, and not love her as a special person. Which _can_ be untrue... but does she know that?)

 

Did you ask her about that? Face to face? Or do *you* think so? It is an important difference, because you can't know what she thinks.

 

As well, giving up that particular job does not necessarily mean staying at home. Part-time jobs and part-time consultants are common these days, not to mention outsourcing.

 

Number one I never said I was willing to destroy my marraige or cheat. I was asking for advice because perhaps there were reasons things were the way they are. JamesM told me something I had no idea about. It may have been the way things were phrased but if I was going to cheat, I would not post anything, I would just do it!

 

Second, if you read my posts you would know that I have talked with my wife about working and yes, she enjoys her job and DOES NOT want to change it. She is not SUFFERING! I am! Oh, and I make over 100k per year also, so for you to be so presumptuous as to think that I am some kind of freeloader is completely out of line. Maybe you don't have the expenses we do, but we both enjoy our lives and the things we have. We also want to provide the best we can for our son. Her working helps with that and so do I.

 

Alot of you people need to get off your high horse and holier than thou attitudes before you judge other people.

[bextreme1]

I have been in your position. My husband wouldn't meet my needs.

 

Someone found me who was also having the same problem. We never intended to leave our spouses.

 

The problem with that is, you are so starved for the connection that once someone starts meeting those needs- it's easy to fall head over heels with that person. Very easy.

 

The affair scared me into leaving my exhusband. Not for the other guy- he is still married. My exhusband found out and both myself and the OM have gone through hell over one incident.

 

I wish 1000 times I would have just left my marriage honorably. Because I was a fantastic wife and mother for over ten years- yet no one remembers that. No one remembers he left me at home all the time my myself and didn't meet my needs. The only thing that is remembered is that I cheated. Don't kid yourself it will be the same thing for you.

 

If you do try one more time to make her see how serious this is and it doesn't work then why not try separation to get her to see how important it is. If this is something you cannot live without then please leave your marriage first.

 

That way you're free to find someone else and be happy and so is she and your character is not blemished by one act.

 

THanks for your help.

[climbergirl]

I have been in your position. My husband wouldn't meet my needs.

 

Someone found me who was also having the same problem. We never intended to leave our spouses.

 

The problem with that is, you are so starved for the connection that once someone starts meeting those needs- it's easy to fall head over heels with that person. Very easy.

 

The affair scared me into leaving my exhusband. Not for the other guy- he is still married. My exhusband found out and both myself and the OM have gone through hell over one incident.

 

I wish 1000 times I would have just left my marriage honorably. Because I was a fantastic wife and mother for over ten years- yet no one remembers that. No one remembers he left me at home all the time my myself and didn't meet my needs. The only thing that is remembered is that I cheated. Don't kid yourself it will be the same thing for you.

 

If you do try one more time to make her see how serious this is and it doesn't work then why not try separation to get her to see how important it is. If this is something you cannot live without then please leave your marriage first.

 

That way you're free to find someone else and be happy and so is she and your character is not blemished by one act.

 

 

Great post and, seriously, something to take into consideration.

 

IMO-if you're in this position-be proactive in either direction. Leave by the front door, not the back or work it out with your wife. Something 'on the side' will just hurt everyone. And I don't get the impression that this is what you want.

[JamesM]

Bextreme1, please realize one thing....judgments will be made...never should you let them get to you. Each and every person here has past experiences that will reflect in the answers they give you..and that is what you want..experiences that may help you. And good or bad, as I found when I posted looking for info, the info you give us is the only info we have. And, yes, in a way, you asked us to make a judgment regarding you and your activities. The thing that I found is to look at the criticisms presented and choose what fits. Then supply more info as needed. Your goal at this point is NOT to defend your actions, but your goal is to solve your relationship problem.

 

Now, the thyroid is actually very much tied in with the libido. (Google drlowe dot com...no space in drlowe). I have often thought, What would have happened if I had cheated on my wife in an affair, divorced, and then she or the next guy discovered that her only problem was her thyroid. I would have missed out on the most incredible woman, friend, and now again lover. My children would have missed out on a complete and happy family. When a relationship is hurting, all angles/possible solutions must be thoroughly looked at before making any rash decision to leave.

 

Keep doing research into this as a possible angle. If it isn't this, then think of other things that could be hindering your relationship. The last possible resort is to leave. From what I have heard and read, there are many (not all) people who have divorced that look back and wonder "What if...?" To me that would be very depressing...especially when she is happily in the arms of another man.

[Mz. Pixie]

It sometimes amazes me how pompous some people are. If you've never been in my position then you really aren't in the position to give advice or make judgements.

 

 

 

 

Bex,

 

Don't bother to waste your breath arguing with people. There are going to be people who judge you no matter what you do. There are people who are here, who like me, swear they would never. The problem is with that- you just don't know until it actually happens to you. I swore I'd never- I talked about people who did- but in the end, it really only takes the right circumstances to make all of that only words. I was certainly a moral person. I'd been an active member in church for years and taught Sunday School. The bottom line is, it can happen to anyone.

 

You recognize the trouble that you're in and the fact that you're vulnerable. That's 90% of the game. Now, take that information and guard yourself against any emotional entanglements with friends of the opposite sex.

 

I'd had chances before to cheat on my ex- the thing was that the chances never came at the time I was emotionally, physically, and mentally empty. The last chance did.

 

Hope my story helps. My ex didn't get serious until I started packing. It was just too late for me by that point. Perhaps before you get to that point you could ask for a temporary separation of sorts to gather your head- you should also tell her that unless she can meet you half way and attend marriage counseling that you're going to have to explore some options. That doesn't mean divorce- just that you're exploring options. You do not have disclose what those options are- just that you are considering it.

[JamesM]

Not being controversial, but Ms Pixie, I wonder whether separation shouldn't be used as more of a last ditch effort.

 

He mentioned briefly that she has begun using thyroid medicine. This may be part of her problem. If I hadn't experienced this in my own marriage, I would laugh if someone said that this could be the sole cause of her loss of libido. I am aware that this may not bextremes wife's problem, but if it is, separation would create new problems...not eliminate old ones.

 

My personal feeling is that a wakeup call is needed before separation. I am not sure how easy it is to talk it out, but on a different night than date night, a serious talk/confrontation should be given/discussed. When separation happens a line is drawn, and an ultimatum is given.

 

An affair in this situation is an act of desperation. A separation would bring it to that point. A discussion/confrontation would be a wakeup call.

 

Just some ideas. I know that in my case if I had done something so drastic as a separation before her thyroid med was changed, it would have been a tragedy. Now, my feeling is to look at all of the simple things first, before dwelling on complex issues.

 

By the way, did you say anything regarding her cheating on you? What was that all about...if I can be so nosy? Also, how many hours a week do you work? How many does she work? What hours do each of you work? Children? Home or not? Any info that may help us/you "stumble" upon a solution?

[ILoveDaniel]

It sometimes amazes me how pompous some people are. If you've never been in my position then you really aren't in the position to give advice or make judgements.

 

 

 

Number one I never said I was willing to destroy my marraige or cheat. I was asking for advice because perhaps there were reasons things were the way they are. JamesM told me something I had no idea about. It may have been the way things were phrased but if I was going to cheat, I would not post anything, I would just do it!

 

Second, if you read my posts you would know that I have talked with my wife about working and yes, she enjoys her job and DOES NOT want to change it. She is not SUFFERING! I am! Oh, and I make over 100k per year also, so for you to be so presumptuous as to think that I am some kind of freeloader is completely out of line. Maybe you don't have the expenses we do, but we both enjoy our lives and the things we have. We also want to provide the best we can for our son. Her working helps with that and so do I.

 

Alot of you people need to get off your high horse and holier than thou attitudes before you judge other people.

 

If I were in your position, huh? I never would want to be because I'm not low enough to even think of cheating just because I don't get some sex when I want it. Big deal.