Wife not Interested...To cheat or not??

[Mz. Pixie]

If I were in your position, huh? I never would want to be because I'm not low enough to even think of cheating just because I don't get some sex when I want it. Big deal.

 

Let me guess, you're a female right??

 

Sex is a major emotional need for most men. Just like non sexual affection is a major need for most women. Men have testosterone raging through their bodies- which usually (not all of the time but usually) makes them the more sexually needy person. It also helps them to feel loved and appreciated by their partners. For many men, they cannot be happy unless they are being sexually desired and fufilled by their partners.

 

It has nothing to do with him being a bad person or low. It has to do with a NEED that he has that he has a void from that cannot be filled by something else. He has a legitimate right to that sexual satisfaction in his marriage. If not, why get married at all??

 

I'm not defending him doing it- I'm not saying it's right to do so. It's not. But it's certainly not because he's just the scum of the earth and hasn't thought of handling it another way- he obviously has.

[scrybe74]

Mz. Pixie - I would suggest that people ignore Ilovedaniel. He/She has nothing constructive to add. Just insults. You on the other hand have unique insights and I think most people here value your opinion because....like you said....you've been on both sides of the fence.

[Trimmer]

Also, as a general comment about the OP, it is often acknowledged that you can't necessarily control your feelings, but you can and should control your behavior. What the OP has done is stated his feelings - ones that he is struggling with - but nothing he has posted indicates that he has taken any steps to persue any behaviors outside his marriage. As a matter of fact, he is struggling to come to grips with his feelings.

 

So many people come here and say, effectively, "I went outside my marriage and I don't know why, and I can't explain it, and I don't take responsibility for my behavior because the feelings were so strong..." Well the OP is a prime example of someone who recognizes those strong feelings, is being honest with himself about how strong they are, and is reaching out and trying to deal with them before he gets to that point. This is how affairs are stopped, before they begin; good for him.

 

I'm sure not going to bash him for behaviors he hasn't yet committed.

[Chinook]

Good post Trimmer

 

Bex, also it might be worth your reading a book I started recently called "The truth about love and how to make it last forever" by Patricia Love. Most of it is common sense. But in it she explains the differences with partners who have libido problems. She explains that sometimes it's getting to the middle ground which matters because all too soon what happens is it is ignored and often one or both partners find themselves in your position. She also gives some pointers in how to address the low v's higher libido problem - practical points that you can do. I also suggest that you bring this up with your wife and when you have read that segment of the book, get her to read it too.

[Pink_Tulip]

To the OP- I was in an almost identical situaion as Ms. Pixie, and she is right on the money. It is so easy to sit back and think that finding someone outside your marriage to take care of this one need will fix everything. It seems logical, but once you get in it and emotions are involved, logic goes out the window.

 

The pain I went through, and will continue to feel the rest of my life, let alone what it did to my H, was NOT worth it. Like Pixie, my H finally woke up after he found out. Years of my talking to him did nothing, he needed the shock of that wake up call. I ended up staying, but not without issues we still have today. I wish I would have just walked out without involving someone else and hurting my H, the OM, and myself.

 

Your wife needs to know how serious this is so she can act. Maybe it is medical, but she needs the motivation to go to the dr. and find out. As long as you do nothing, she will do nothing. Maybe a seperation is needed for her to realize this isn't going away.

[ILoveDaniel]

Let me guess, you're a female right??

 

Sex is a major emotional need for most men. Just like non sexual affection is a major need for most women. Men have testosterone raging through their bodies- which usually (not all of the time but usually) makes them the more sexually needy person. It also helps them to feel loved and appreciated by their partners. For many men, they cannot be happy unless they are being sexually desired and fufilled by their partners.

 

It has nothing to do with him being a bad person or low. It has to do with a NEED that he has that he has a void from that cannot be filled by something else. He has a legitimate right to that sexual satisfaction in his marriage. If not, why get married at all??

 

I'm not defending him doing it- I'm not saying it's right to do so. It's not. But it's certainly not because he's just the scum of the earth and hasn't thought of handling it another way- he obviously has.

 

I hope this comes up on Maury. I hope his wife finds out so bad.

[Trimmer]

Anyone remember the term *plonk* from the early days of Usenet newsgroups?

[Chinook]

I hope his wife finds out so bad.

 

You know, I find this post intensely offensive. Firstly, Loveshack is about offering advice on situational nightmares we all go through - it is not about wishing ill luck on other posters. I sincerely do hope that you never find yourself in a position where you are obliged to require help for something of this nature.

 

Secondly, you wish his wife finds out about what exactly...? The OP hasn't done anything and is clearly trying to sort out his feelings and PREVENT any wrong doing occurring. I felt it may have been an inappropriate thread title but that is all. Given his experience and his postings, it is difficult to understand why there is such vehemence towards a man who is clearly trying to (a) understand his situation and (b) do something about it. He has never said he WILL cheat or that he INTENDED to do so. He is simply looking for a way out of his pain and frustration - which is something which you would do well to remember.

[stoopid_guy]

Sex is a major emotional need for most men. Just like non sexual affection is a major need for most women. Men have testosterone raging through their bodies- which usually (not all of the time but usually) makes them the more sexually needy person. It also helps them to feel loved and appreciated by their partners. For many men, they cannot be happy unless they are being sexually desired and fufilled by their partners.

 

 

Actually, masturbation keeps the testosterone manageable (speaking from experience,) but it cannot substitute for physical affection. I think (eventually) anyone, male or female, will fall out of love without affection. Touching says "I care for you, I accept you, I want you to be happy."

 

A guest posted this Robert Frost quote in an OM/OW thread; "To be fulfilled in love is to experience an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."

[Hard2Think]

This is such a common problem and 9 times out of 10, people will come down on the rejected spouse for not having "tried hard enough". Want to see something really scary? Check out this forum of people living sexless marriages for years .. http://p080.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage

 

I say do what you can to find out what's wrong if you can. But don't do what I did and wait years and years thinking it'll get better. It won't.

 

Also don't think you can sleep with a woman for an extended period of time before you and her start gettig feelings fo each other. Strong feelings.

[Trimmer]

I think (eventually) anyone, male or female, will fall out of love without affection. Touching says "I care for you, I accept you, I want you to be happy."

Yeah - sex (physical affection) is, for me, an important manifestation of emotional affection. From a purely geeky technical point of view, I think of sex as a medium that carries affection between people.

 

Ahhh, it's my favorite old food/sex analogy again! You can enjoy food without nutrients (jelly donuts!) for a while, but eventually you will want food with nutrition (i.e sex with emotional affection associated.) Food is the medium that carries the nutrients, and although you can appreciate and enjoy non-nutritious food for its own sake, (and we men sure do like our "food", eh? We like looking at it, and touching it, and smelling it, and tasting it, and talking about it....) you will eventually come back around to wanting something nutritious that meets the deeper need.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz. Pixie - I would suggest that people ignore Ilovedaniel. He/She has nothing constructive to add. Just insults. You on the other hand have unique insights and I think most people here value your opinion because....like you said....you've been on both sides of the fence.

 

Eh, I wasn't concerned so much for myself, but as for the OP. But thanks for your kind words.

 

The hilarious thing is is that many people don't admit cheating. There are people on this board who would never admit to it in a forum, but who have PM'd me privately to say they too had been unfaithful. It's just that most people won't step up and say they have. It's too controversial.

[Guest]

I am in an almost identical situation with my wife, and Ms Pixie is exactly on the mark. It's about 2 people with different perspectives on something that will change little from early in life, where the response and desires for sexual stimulation are formed.

 

Unfortunately, we understand little of this when we get married, going through the expected motions at first and enjoying it. As your relationship expands and changes and grows over the years, the early hormonal "expected" sexual relations give way to the "real"ones that are more physically driven, whether for the solitude of solo orgasm or for the fantasy of another in your mind who is not (at least in your mind) critical of you.

 

Unfortunately, relationship issues get into the bedroom, and this is the huge narcisstic mistake I think all of us make. If we made an aggressive decision to meet our sexual needs and help the other fulfill them regardless of what else fills the day, we would be more secure, satisfied, and healthy.

 

But that's not how it works, and that's why I am very frustrated. For me, having even a foreplay masturbation session with another woman who justs wants to have raw pleasure with me is preferable to living a high road looking at online porn. In the end, is there really a difference?

 

I am an attractive, well employed man with an attractive wife by the way living a very normal if not better marriage life than most, very very little in the bedroom. Something is wrong with that, period.

 

Everyone wants to have and enjoy sexual pleasure in one way or another, and they are doing it. It's matter of what they are doing, and why.

 

I certainly don't have the answers. I pray about it and try to figure it all out and where it should lead.

[JamesM]

Guest, please begin your thread as I know I for one have much info to share with you. And also, not that my case is a role model...it's not...read my first thread or two that I started. My wife and I have been married for 16 years. The sex died about four years ago and dwindled about eight years ago.

 

Long story short...even though she said she had no feelings for me and no interest in sex ever.....and yes, we had a good friendship and relationship except where sex was concerned.....life is good. We now have sex about once or twice a week. Yes, I would sometimes like more, but she has been initiating much of the sex. Her sex drive will never be as high as mine, but now she enjoys it more than she has...according to her...in at least eight years. This is half of our married life. Personally if I look back, it has been a LONG time. What changed it? Thyrolar, a thyroid medicine. That is right, there was a magic pill for my sex life.

 

If your wife has ever had thyroid problems or never been tested, I would recommend this. And my wife had normal tests, and was taking synthroid for her thyroid, but the med change took away alot of pain she had, fatigue, and gave her back her libido.

 

But even if this isn't for you, I promise your thread will get many good answers and advice you can use, I know without this Board, my wife and I would not have known about the different thyroid med.

[differ]

If someone cheats on me, I cheat back, I say you owe her one. I don't say that for effect or in theory, I've been there, done that and I'd do it again. As sorry as she was, there was only one way for her to comprehend the pain she had caused me.

[Trimmer]

If someone cheats on me, I cheat back, I say you owe her one. I don't say that for effect or in theory, I've been there, done that and I'd do it again. As sorry as she was, there was only one way for her to comprehend the pain she had caused me.

And in the end, was the result more pain, or more healing? How's the relationship now? Did you inflict enough pain to get her under control?

[differ]

Honestly, we're better off now than ever. It wasn't my prediction for how things would go, but this was several years ago and we're better than ever. We both have an appreciation for the things you shouldn't take for granted or become complacent with. We're still extra attentive to what the other person needs and she agreed tearfully that although she was sorry, she now understood what she had done.