I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..

 

I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.

 

A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.

 

Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.

 

The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.

 

I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.

 

I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.

 

If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..

[whichwayisup]

Well, as long as you're OK with you and your wife getting a divorce...With or without the OW in your life.

 

Maybe if you had kept the OW in the loop and not treated her so badly, understood her frustration and explained your reasonings of wanting space, then maybe the outcome would have been different.

 

Time will tell. If you and the OW are meant to be together, it will happen as it will. If it doesn't, you're free to meet someone else in the future.

[beach]

All of your statements seems to be about "poor you"

 

What about your wife's feelings - what about the OW's feelings.

 

You need to look at the bigger picture here, and figure out what is right and best concerning all parties involved... ESPECIALLY your kids.

 

Maybe the OW doesn't care to be wrapped up in the drama and emotional side that will be present in the next fews months...

 

Maybe she is guarded - at best - because she is skeptical about your intentions?

[Hard2Think]

Maybe the OW doesn't care to be wrapped up in the drama and emotional side that will be present in the next fews months...

 

 

In that case - then she won't go the distance with me anyways. What if another crisis comes up after we're together - like a major health issue or job loss? Will she cut loose because things aren't easy anymore?

[tinktronik]

I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..

 

I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.

 

A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.

 

Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.

 

The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.

 

I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.

 

I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.

 

If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..

All of these statements indicate that you are not working on your own life , you are caught up in the emotionallity of the affair. You are still lying to both the OW and your wife. Do both women a favor and be alone untill you are ready to be honest and forthright , even if you have something to say that they may not want to hear. Don't waste your wife's time or thew OW's time and energy with lies .

[Hard2Think]

All of these statements indicate that you are not working on your own life , you are caught up in the emotionallity of the affair. You are still lying to both the OW and your wife. Do both women a favor and be alone untill you are ready to be honest and forthright , even if you have something to say that they may not want to hear. Don't waste your wife's time or thew OW's time and energy with lies .

 

That all sounds good - it really does. I don't know how possible that all is. I am lying to protect my self-interests, I'll admit to that. I guess part of the problem is that this whole relationship is based on lies. Every time I went to bed with the mistress I had to lie to the wife about where I was. The OW never complained about that. And telling my wife now that I'm (was) sleeping with another serves no purpose other than to throw a big wrench in the works ..

[Curmudgeon]

I decided finally to leave my wife for her.

Bad, bad idea. You should only leave a marriage for you, not for someone else. As you're finding out, the other person may not be a reality.

 

I can't live without OW.

 

Sure you can! You've done so for years in the past. What? OW throws you over and you're just going to fold? I doubt it.

 

my life with the wife is lousy as hell.

Now that's a REAL reason to leave unless, of course, you're the one making it lousy and you could make it better. But of course, you'd have to want to.

[Hard2Think]

Now that's a REAL reason to leave unless, of course, you're the one making it lousy and you could make it better. But of course, you'd have to want to.

 

You're absolutely right in everything you said. There's nothing I can say to dispute it.

 

Let me tell you something that will surely seem distasteful and foolhardy. I know it already even before telling you ..

 

Life with my spouse is lousy - but I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to. I'd be unhappy, but I can do it. Among the problems is I get very little sex and affection from the wife. That's my #1 problem and it has no resolution. Trust me on this and let's leave that for another thread if we must.

 

The OW is great in bed and she loves (loved) me. I know for a fact that this is preventing me from thinking straight. But I'm in complete extasy when we're together. She's also mostly pleasant to be with - I enjoy her company. But it's really the sex, affection, and companionship that I get from her that I want from here on in. I know there's nothing new here - all MM probably say this about their OW.

 

But she also has issues emotionally that I know will make me miserable in the future. I can see it now just as I did with my wife early on. Like with my wife, I ignored the flags because the sex was so great.

 

I'm thinking with the little head and I know it .. and yet I'm like a crack addict. I just don't want to do without her.

 

I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often. But that just won't do ..

[Curmudgeon]

...but I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to.

 

Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.

 

 

Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.

[tinktronik]

I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..

 

I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.

 

A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.

 

Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.

 

The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.

 

I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.

 

I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.

 

If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..

 

Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.

 

 

Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.

Bingo, C. thats good advice .

[Hard2Think]

Another bad Idea. That's what I did. It ain't worth it. At least with OW you get great sex.

 

 

Here's a novel thought. Blow them both off and find someone who combines all the attributes you're seeking. That's what I ended up with after the ex and I divorced and it only took me two years.

 

That's excellent advice .. Not that it doesn't make perfect sense on its own. But those words are somehow sobering to me, thanks.

 

May I ask how old you were at the time? I'm nearly 42.

[beach]

Listen to the mane man (C=Lion) - he is a very wise one.... my buddy too...

[Mascara]

Hi Hard2Think. One question... why are you still living with your wife if you are in the process of divorcing? (at least, I gathered from your post that you were, my mistake if not).

 

Your OW could probably cope with the situation if you weren't actually still under the same roof.

 

Also...it really isn't fair to compare her anger and non-support over this to losing your job or ill health. She has a fundamental right to be with someone who is not married, and to choose not to be with you if you cannot provide this. Just trying to make you see her point of view.

[Hard2Think]

Hi Hard2Think. One question... why are you still living with your wife if you are in the process of divorcing? (at least, I gathered from your post that you were, my mistake if not).

 

Your OW could probably cope with the situation if you weren't actually still under the same roof.

 

Also...it really isn't fair to compare her anger and non-support over this to losing your job or ill health. She has a fundamental right to be with someone who is not married, and to choose not to be with you if you cannot provide this. Just trying to make you see her point of view.

 

No - I do understand her frustration perfectly. I really do. But this is no surprise to her that I'm married. I was when I met her. She has the fundamental right to choose not to be with me for any reason she chooses.

 

It's just that I feel that I'm taking a huge step here for the sake of us and that she seems not to appreciate that too much. While I get that she wishes I was already divorced - I'm not. That process takes time. But I'm not sure she'll even be there for me once I'm done.

 

To answer your question - I do live at the house right now, but I don't sleep in the same bed with her.

[Mascara]

Hard2Think, I am in a very very similar situation (or was), so please understand that I am telling you this from the perspective of someone who knows. My MM is only married now in the sense that he is not divorced.... we live together though, so I can bear the fact he is still legally married.

 

You might be sleeping in separate beds, but frankly, how does your OW know that? It's a common line trotted out by MM.

 

I am sure she WILL support you in the divorce.... but at least recognise that it's not fair on her that you live in the same house as your wife. You'll probably be pleasantly surrpised at just how supportive OW is when you move out, even if the divorce process isn't begun.

 

But if you are serious about the divorce.. you do have to move out. Anything less, and nothing has really changed for your OW - so no wonder she is still angry!

[Curmudgeon]

I was 48 when I divorced the ex. %0 when my wife and I got together and married.

 

You have at least a few good years left in you (I'll turn 60 next month).

[Curmudgeon]

Hmmm! West Coast beach, no doubt!

[Hard2Think]

Hard2Think, I am in a very very similar situation (or was), so please understand that I am telling you this from the perspective of someone who knows. My MM is only married now in the sense that he is not divorced.... we live together though, so I can bear the fact he is still legally married.

 

You might be sleeping in separate beds, but frankly, how does your OW know that? It's a common line trotted out by MM.

 

I am sure she WILL support you in the divorce.... but at least recognise that it's not fair on her that you live in the same house as your wife. You'll probably be pleasantly surrpised at just how supportive OW is when you move out, even if the divorce process isn't begun.

 

But if you are serious about the divorce.. you do have to move out. Anything less, and nothing has really changed for your OW - so no wonder she is still angry!

 

 

That's a good point .. a very good point as a matter of fact. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

The thing your OW has to understand, even if you move out and make that divorce final, you have to be on your own for a while. You can't end a marriage, and jump into a fullblown relationship so fast. Well, you can, but your recent past with your wife has to be resolved emotionally. In and out of your heart, and your head.

[Hard2Think]

The thing your OW has to understand, even if you move out and make that divorce final, you have to be on your own for a while. You can't end a marriage, and jump into a fullblown relationship so fast. Well, you can, but your recent past with your wife has to be resolved emotionally. In and out of your heart, and your head.

 

Yeah - but I guess by the time that's all said and done, we'll have been without each other for so long that the love will wane.

 

But those are the breaks .. I need to get the money together to move out to a place that my kids can come to and I need to have an agreement from the wife as far as visitation is concerned. All that will be easier as long as the wife is still friendly and cooperative.

 

Unfortunately all this sounds like such BS, you know - the typical delaying tactics one expects from a MM who doesn't want to leave his wife yet still wants to sting the OW along.

 

I just hate the fact that I sound just like that even though it's not the case at all.

[whichwayisup]

My only concern is now, both you and your wife put the kids first. Do what is best and easiest for them.

 

Together you and your soon to be ex-wife CAN make this work. Just keep anything personal and messy away from them. Stay united as 'mom and dad', even though you're not under the same roof anymore.

 

And as for your OW, if she decides to join you - SHE has to be willing to accept that your ex IS going to be a part of your lives forever because of the kids. If all of you put the kids first, things will be abit easier.

[tinktronik]

My only concern is now, both you and your wife put the kids first. Do what is best and easiest for them.

 

Together you and your soon to be ex-wife CAN make this work. Just keep anything personal and messy away from them. Stay united as 'mom and dad', even though you're not under the same roof anymore.

 

And as for your OW, if she decides to join you - SHE has to be willing to accept that your ex IS going to be a part of your lives forever because of the kids. If all of you put the kids first, things will be abit easier.

Good advice from you too WW , H2T you've already said that you didn't think the OW was the type of woman you should be with , therefore it is irrational to continue on the path that could destroy your family communications . Do you really want to damage an amicable divorce and estrange yourself from your kids for something you don't think will really work anyway. Oh and I have as question. Are you trying to be with this woman just as a fall safe for your emotional stability durring divorce?

[Hard2Think]

Good advice from you too WW , H2T you've already said that you didn't think the OW was the type of woman you should be with , therefore it is irrational to continue on the path that could destroy your family communications . Do you really want to damage an amicable divorce and estrange yourself from your kids for something you don't think will really work anyway. Oh and I have as question. Are you trying to be with this woman just as a fall safe for your emotional stability durring divorce?

 

That's a good question. I've been stuggling with that possibility. It is possible that I'm seeing her as an emotional backup as well. On the other hand - like I mentioned before .. I'd be less inclined to divorce so quickly had it not been for OW. Oddly enough I think that I see my wife as more of the emotional backup in case it doesn't work out with OW. Weird, I know.

 

I do miss OW and feel as though I love her. I guess is that I also love the sex and the pure desire she has for me. It rocks my world.

 

While I was away from OW for 2 months - I could feel the vapid emptiness that comes from forgoing love and sex to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids.

[BUTAFLY]

I'm with mascara on this one.

She is upset with you that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

You don't talk to her for weeks on end. You meet at her place, make love, then leave in the middle of the night,(lie about it) to go home to your wife, whom your divorcing, just to sleep in another room. and your not talking with her now. What is she suppose to think? Umm put yourself in her shoes... Now doesn't that sound fishy. I'm surpised the OW hasn't kicked you to the curb yet.

 

ps. when you make statements like this:

really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often. But that just won't do ..

Thats just insulting.

[JamesM]

A couple of comments after reading this...

 

You and the OW will probably not survive this divorce. It sounds like that already you see faults that are not liveable. You are already lying to her...ie allergic to cats. Your relationship started with a lie and broken promise to your wife. The OW will always have in the back of her mind a question of "Will he do it to me?" And from what I read, her biggest quality is her abilities in bed.

 

The thing you missed from your wife was/is sex and affection. You thread gives no indication why she has dropped such gestures. ( I know, you said another thread). However, it is necessary on your part to thoroughly examine your past/current marriage before jumping into another one. Your interactions with you wife or her lack of interest...whatever it was needs to be looked at, because you may very well find yourslef in another realtionship without sex and affection. (Trust me, it ain't always greener once you jump the fence).

 

Having lost all "real" sex and affection for three to four years....kissing nauseated her...I know where you are coming from. And other women appealed to me. Fortunately, no OW truly came into my life, or I may not have had the energy and motivations to find t he solution to our lack of sex. Oh, it was a medicine change for my wife. So simple, yet so complex.

 

IMHO your prospects for any relationship with this OW are not good. I almost think that getting together with your wife may be as good. You say your relationship is lousy? Why? Just no sex? Just curious.