I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[UnknowingOW]

I'm not personalizing this at all, but if I am, I'm putting myself in the shoes of this guy and his wife. It takes TWO to tango, the marriage didn't fall apart just because one person stopped making the effort...Communication stopped, feelings changed and bad choices were made. Can it all be fixed? I don't know. I hope so, as people deserve a second chance to make things right again. I hope both of them can see the faults, what led them to where they are now and hopefully together re-build and make life good again.

 

Before I was just pointing out that some OW who are replying to posts here, are getting abit miffed with this guy. Like they're comparing him to THEIR own MM. And he's not them. Just as the OW here aren't his OW.

 

Him calling her pyscho ruffled up some feathers here. Maybe I am wrong, but it seemed like that to me.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to rock the boat here, so sorry if I've said the wrong thing.

 

WWIU

 

I always love to read your post. They are thought provoking. (especially the Shower one...lol). But here is a questions. What if his wife had found out about the A and confronted the OW with all the love letters...would the wife be a psycho too?

 

And I know what you will say...it's their marriage and their business. But now everyone is completely involved. Do you think her husband would call his wife psycho if she did this? Maybe; maybe not.

 

I think it's using the word psycho for any woman or man that upsets people. No one wants to be considered psycho for their actions...even if they are pushed to that point of action. Everyone snaps at some point in their life. That alone does not make them psycho.

 

This isn't this mans 2nd chance. He's already stepped out before. His "supposed" change of heart only happened when the OW outed him...and that does speak volumes of his character. It meant he would have continued with the A had she not called is bluff.

 

And yes, the OW's don't understand how someone can play them. As you might remember with a previous post of mine you were completely against me telling the wife. As I stated I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt someone like I hurt. But it's very interesting to me how people can lie to you; hurt you; and expect no reaction to their actions.

[BUTAFLY]

quite while your ahead....its getting a little too much...you got what you wanted out of your 'story' a good one at that, but really. next your gonna tell us your wife came home and found a bunny boiling on the stove. I could have wrote this thread better ya know and REALLY got people going.

OW showed up at the door again tonight. That freaked me out because this is completely unlike her. She didn't even call or email first. I asked her to leave immediately and she refused. She started banging on the door, shaking the door handle, and repeatedly ringing the doorbell. I finally had to call the cops. She left before they got there. She then left me a very crazy message about how she did what she did yesterday to free me so that we could be together forever. When the cops got there, a police officer called her and warned her in a friendly manner to keep away.

[Gunny376]

I'll try and keep this short so as to maintain legibility ..

 

I've been seeing a former co-worker for nearly a year now on and off. We had a couple of break-ups, but were together most of the time.

 

A few months ago, she stated that she wanted me to leave my wife and 2 kids if we were to stay together. I can't say I blame her. As her deadline approached, she started getting angrier and angrier with me whenever I couldn't spend time with her. Finally I stopped calling her because I knew I'd get yelled at again. The problem is that the longer time I waited to call her, the angrier I knew she would be - so I delayed and eventually never called her. She, of course never called me either.

 

Fast forward 2 months - I decided finally to leave my wife for her. I can't live without OW - and my life with the wife is lousy as hell. I told my wife I wanted a divorce and after the initial shock was over, we started making the plans. I then called OW and told her what was happening.

 

She responded very coolly, but we went ahead and had dinner. She was very angry with me for not speaking to her during that time and was understandably skeptical of my claims.

 

The next day, she called me and asked to meet up with me at her place. We made love, but she was still slightly hostile towards me under the surface. I slept with her until 3 AM, but had to leave .. I told her it was because I was allergic to her cats (which I am) .. but in reality I wasn't ready to tell the wife that I'm in the middle of an affair because that would turn our friendly cooperative divorce into a war. But I know that this explanation would seem like an excuse to OW and so I lied about the cats. She probably sensed this and was livid at me as I left. She hasn't answered any calls or emails since.

 

I feel like a fool now. I guess I expected that she could be there for me as I go through this divorce - which I was fully ready to go through with. But in reality she wants me probably to already be done and over with my marital status. The problem is that this could take months to do with the courts - and by then our love will have waned.

 

I don't know really what else to do. I know that once the wife signs off on such things as visitation, I wouldn't be too worried about her reaction at knowing I was seing someone else. But I fear that my relationship with OW has been damaged to heavily even if I'm free.

 

If only she would have indicated to me that she loved me and was willing to be there for me as I move forward ..

 

But, I just read your initial post!

 

You have no honor!

 

You have no integrity!

 

You have no Code!

 

You have no respect for others, not even your own wife and children ~ not even yourself!

 

You have no center!

 

Its fine and dandy for you to have issues with your wife, and marriage. And, I full well know that getting into a relationship is way too easy, but way to hard to maintain, and way too hard to get out of. Most especially a marriage. You deserve what your getting! You reap what you sow!

[tinktronik]

Well, aparently we have all decided to stop giving advice on this forum and decided instead that bashing and calling liar is the prefered message we want to pass along.Good idea there !

 

Good luck with whatever you choose OP .

[Ladyjane14]

OW showed up at the door again tonight. That freaked me out because this is completely unlike her. She didn't even call or email first. I asked her to leave immediately and she refused. She started banging on the door, shaking the door handle, and repeatedly ringing the doorbell. I finally had to call the cops. She left before they got there. She then left me a very crazy message about how she did what she did yesterday to free me so that we could be together forever. When the cops got there, a police officer called her and warned her in a friendly manner to keep away.

 

It a shame it had to come to calling the cops... but better than breaking NC. If she gets too pushy, you might need to get a restraining order.

 

Don't destroy the message the OW sent you. Once your wife calms down, she'll want to know that you're being honest at all times. If you delete any messages... she'll imagine the worst.

 

Your wife is going to be up and down on the emotional rollercoaster for awhile. She'll go through periods of sadness and anger by turns. Don't press her when she doesn't want to talk. Just offer to listen.

[Hard2Think]

Yeah they told me that a restraining order would only be possible if she actually threatened me with harm. I suspect that she'll stay away now given that the police spoke to her. What a mess.

 

As to W, yes I realize that she's going to hate me for awhile. I don't really know what her intentions are or what she'll finally come to. Today was really the first day that I didn't feel like a basket case. I'm way more serene and willing to accept whatever happens.

 

If W wants to reconcile, that'll be wonderful and I'll do whatever it takes. But for the long haul, this is going to take MC. As I reflected on my life with her, I've come to realize that I've accepted alot of very poor behavior from her - all the way from daily small things to the major lifetime events like the death of my father. For this marriage to work, she's going to have to change those things and treat me with love and respect. And I think that's going to be a daunting task for her because I don't think that she thinks those things are really problems at all.

 

I'm hopeful because I saw that she had been surfing the net looking for marriage counselors in the area. For her, this is a huge step. To want to seek the advice of a professional to fix things is huge - I'm amazed. If the marriage counselor is able to make her see that there is a problem with her -that alone woul be victory because then we can work to make changes. I'd do everything and anything to help with the changes no matter how long it takes. That's really the only hope to salvage this marriage. Because without that, even if she forgives me and is nice for a few weeks - we'll be right back to where we started.

 

I'm cured of affairs for life - but we could still wind up divorced if the issues aren't fixed. I just know it.

 

 

 

It a shame it had to come to calling the cops... but better than breaking NC. If she gets too pushy, you might need to get a restraining order.

 

Don't destroy the message the OW sent you. Once your wife calms down, she'll want to know that you're being honest at all times. If you delete any messages... she'll imagine the worst.

 

Your wife is going to be up and down on the emotional rollercoaster for awhile. She'll go through periods of sadness and anger by turns. Don't press her when she doesn't want to talk. Just offer to listen.

[Hard2Think]

I have a question for you guys which I'm stuggling with. W left the incriminating emails and the card in the closet. They were hidden away, but not too well.

 

I really want to throw them away, because she gets riled up every time she reads them. She's on vacation until Sunday and I don't want her to go back to square 1 again.

 

On the other hand, getting rid of them may seem like I'm trying to hide things from her.

[newbby]

quite while your ahead....its getting a little too much...you got what you wanted out of your 'story' a good one at that, but really. next your gonna tell us your wife came home and found a bunny boiling on the stove. I could have wrote this thread better ya know and REALLY got people going.

 

omg i agree.LOL "the ow said she did it to free him so they could be together forever":lmao:

[whichwayisup]

I have a question for you guys which I'm stuggling with. W left the incriminating emails and the card in the closet. They were hidden away, but not too well.

 

I really want to throw them away, because she gets riled up every time she reads them. She's on vacation until Sunday and I don't want her to go back to square 1 again.

 

On the other hand, getting rid of them may seem like I'm trying to hide things from her.

 

Don't throw them out. Let her decide when to do that. I think if you do throw them out she'll think you're hiding something and still seeing the OW behind her back. Don't DO anything.

 

You have time on your side, that's all. All you can do is give your wife time to digest everything that has happened. Stay out of her way (meaning, let HER come to you if she wants to talk personal stuff), deal with her when it comes to the kids, house issues etc., and keep things light.

 

I do think when she gets home you have to tell her about the OW coming over again and how you had to call the cops. Don't hold back anything, no matter what.

[Hard2Think]

omg i agree.LOL "the ow said she did it to free him so they could be together forever":lmao:

 

Yeah laugh it up. That's exactly what she said. It just that creepy. She said some other things that I thought were equally whacked out. The cop heard the message and didn't think it was all that bad. But then again she said she's been to many of these scenes where the other person needed to be restrained.

[whichwayisup]

Well, it's obvious that your OW DID tell your wife to get reaction and hope that you two would live life together. Yeah, it backfired on her bigtime...She knows this and she's reacting to it.

She knows that it's over and her showing up at your door is all out of emotional reaction and desparation. She's a mess and upset.

 

Keep calling the cops if you need to and let the OW know that you intend on calling the cops everytime she shows up at your door. Personally, I don't think she is going to "do" anything to harm you or your family physically, but once your wife and kids are home, make sure the OW understands the consquences of her actions if she chooses to harrass you.

[newbby]

if its a true story, then i should think it is more likely that she told your wife in anger, but then tried to back pedal thinking that you were telling her to go away because you were angry she had f***ed it all up, so then came out with the story she did it for both your good. it sounds like she made that up in a panic after what she had done. i cannot imagine ANY ow seriously using telling the w as a tactic, and i have known many as a result of ls.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why you would think his life story is made up Newbby. If you don't believe him, then don't reply to his posts anymore.

[BUTAFLY]

ok h2t, because you put the time and energy into your story, I'll play along.

If the marriage counselor is able to make her see that there is a problem with her -that alone woul be victory because then we can work to make changes. I'd do everything and anything to help with the changes no matter how long it takes. That's really the only hope to salvage this marriage.

. I still don't think you get it. Note that MC isn't there to place blame @ anyone. The counsoler isn't going to wave a magic wand and make your wife into someone she is not. You said she was like this before you were married but you overlooked it because the sex was so good. The type of woman you made her out to be is not gonna start baking cookies and seeing you off to work with a bunch of kisses.

[newbby]

Well, it's obvious that your OW DID tell your wife to get reaction and hope that you two would live life together. Yeah, it backfired on her bigtime...She knows this and she's reacting to it.

She knows that it's over and her showing up at your door is all out of emotional reaction and desparation. She's a mess and upset.

 

Keep calling the cops if you need to and let the OW know that you intend on calling the cops everytime she shows up at your door. Personally, I don't think she is going to "do" anything to harm you or your family physically, but once your wife and kids are home, make sure the OW understands the consquences of her actions if she chooses to harrass you.

 

personally i think it is this that results in the kind of behaviour another bw was talking about in ls. the ow is frustrated, that is why she is trying to contact you. i think it would be better to talk to her and tell her that the reality of the situation and losing your marriage hit you when your w found out, and you want to make your marriage work, AND you are SORRY, to her. people can deal with the truth, what they cannot deal with is confusion or half truths that mess with their minds. the ow is not some deranged psycho, she can handle the truth and an apology, much more than being treated as a psycho. i should think treating her this way is going to result in more contact attempts. you should give her the opportunity to walk away with some dignity. just my opinion.

[newbby]

I don't know why you would think his life story is made up Newbby. If you don't believe him, then don't reply to his posts anymore.

 

and i dont know why people think the ow should not be told the truth or given an apology.

[kulyok]

personally i think it is this that results in the kind of behaviour another bw was talking about in ls. the ow is frustrated, that is why she is trying to contact you. i think it would be better to talk to her and tell her that the reality of the situation and losing your marriage hit you when your w found out, and you want to make your marriage work, AND you are SORRY, to her. people can deal with the truth, what they cannot deal with is confusion or half truths that mess with their minds. the ow is not some deranged psycho, she can handle the truth and an apology, much more than being treated as a psycho. i should think treating her this way is going to result in more contact attempts. you should give her the opportunity to walk away with some dignity. just my opinion.

 

Yeah. And it will give you some sense of dignity, as well.

Or better yet, write her an e-mail, explaining everything and telling you want to work things out with your wife, and you are really sorry for what you did to her. Send it, save a copy in your outbox, and show it to your wife when she's back. Your wife will be far more likely to listen to you then.

[Hard2Think]

and i dont know why people think the ow should not be told the truth or given an apology.

 

I don't want any contact with her in any way. I sincerely believe that she's out of control. Going to my house unannounced is completely out of character for her. I mean she didn't even call first or email me that she was coming. How did she know for sure W and the kids were not there? I used the cops because she's very afraid of that sort of thing. The whole thing was so creepy that my hands wouldn't stop shaking for hours.

 

Based on her messages, I can tell that if I speak to her now - she'll interpret that as us having some sort of chance still. I really need her to keep away from me.

 

And I do agree with a previous poster. I don't believe her initial intent was to "free" me as she said. She wanted revenge. Once she calmed down, she realized she may have blown it and then tried to put some sort of positive spin on her actions. That explanation she left just made me shudder.

 

Don't think I don't feel bad for OW. I really do feel for her. I'm not a psychopath or anything - but this has taken a very dramatic turn and I see OW in a new light. I'm kicking myself for being so oblivious to it. I did see signs of her being able to fly off the handle like that before, but I chalked it up to her just being a hothead.

 

Once she asked me advice about something work related because she was having trouble with her boss. I told her to back down for now because her escalation with her boss was a no-win battle. Instead I told her she should fight her battles with him in a more rational way. She flipped out on me and called me names and told me neber to speak to her again. I never called her back and she finally called me back after 10 days. Seemed odd - but I didn't realize how far she could go in her emotional outbursts until the last few days.

[Hard2Think]

Yeah. And it will give you some sense of dignity, as well.

Or better yet, write her an e-mail, explaining everything and telling you want to work things out with your wife, and you are really sorry for what you did to her. Send it, save a copy in your outbox, and show it to your wife when she's back. Your wife will be far more likely to listen to you then.

That's a great idea - I wanted to do that. But the cops told her not to contact me anymore - and so I better not initiate any contact either.

[BUTAFLY]

I don't know why you would think his life story is made up Newbby. If you don't believe him, then don't reply to his posts anymore.

 

Its like a bad soap opra. You know its ridiculous & over the top, but you keep watching 'cause your caught up in the stroy line.

 

My only problem with the story is if you guys agreed on an amicable divorce (cue sad music)and start planning it w/ no lawyers....with the ow showing up(cue in the dark clouds and thunder), I would expected a woman like your wife to respond with distane and skip the amicable part and proceed to take you for everything. But you flip the script and made her out to be the unsuspecting innocent wife who wants save the marriage. That raised my eyebrows abit.

 

I'm not even mad @ at the pyscho comment because it caused controversy. Every good writer wants to spark emotion in their reader and it caused a good debate.

[a4a]

That's a great idea - I wanted to do that. But the cops told her not to contact me anymore - and so I better not initiate any contact either.

 

Do not contact her.... if she actually is unbalanced next thing you know you may end up with a false rape or battery charge on your hands. Revenge in the ultimate way for her...... destroy your entire life.

[Hard2Think]

I came to some realizations yesterday about my "reasons" for the affair. My wife had indeed treated me very poorly in our marriage - but I derived an interpretation from her actions that translated to her her not loving me nor caring about me. But that was just my interpretation.

 

I think going forward - when she speaks agrily or disrespectfully towards me, I don't have to like it - but I can realize that it doesn't mean she odesn't love me nor care about me and that should not prevent ne from loving her and caring for her back at that moment even of she does this. In other words, rather than seething or lashing back when she does that - I can instead choose to be kind and loving towards her anyway. It'll be hard maybe - but over time that may change my attitude towards these events and maybe even change her behavior towards me.

 

As to going on vacation when I my dad just died and not caring that I'm getting an operation, and yelling at me in front of friends - I may need some help from her to understand what her thought process was. Again I assumed that it was because she was selfish and that I wasn't at all important to her .. but maybe there is another explanation that she can help me with.

 

Anyway .. that's what's going through my head right now.

[a4a]

Its like a bad soap opra. You know its ridiculous & over the top, but you keep watching 'cause your caught up in the stroy line.

 

My only problem with the story is if you guys agreed on an amicable divorce (cue sad music)and start planning it w/ no lawyers....with the ow showing up(cue in the dark clouds and thunder), I would expected a woman like your wife to respond with distane and skip the amicable part and proceed to take you for everything. But you flip the script and made her out to be the unsuspecting innocent wife who wants save the marriage. That raised my eyebrows abit.

 

I'm not even mad @ at the pyscho comment because it caused controversy. Every good writer wants to spark emotion in their reader and it caused a good debate.

 

Well then for Jimminey Crickets..... quit ruining our soap opera..... let us play along without the RL comments......

 

I suspect you will be plugging in something about an evil twin or weather machine at some point Butta'.

[Hard2Think]

I never said she wanted to work on the marriage. She in fact told me she wants to proceed with a divorce. I just know that while she says that to me she was scouring the net looking for marriage counselors and for insight into how to rebuild the marriage.

 

I realize that these events seems dramatic. I certainly didn't expect this when I first posted. But this is what's happening. I hope to God it doesn't get any more eventful that it has been. I need a break.

 

Its like a bad soap opra. You know its ridiculous & over the top, but you keep watching 'cause your caught up in the stroy line.

 

My only problem with the story is if you guys agreed on an amicable divorce (cue sad music)and start planning it w/ no lawyers....with the ow showing up(cue in the dark clouds and thunder), I would expected a woman like your wife to respond with distane and skip the amicable part and proceed to take you for everything. But you flip the script and made her out to be the unsuspecting innocent wife who wants save the marriage. That raised my eyebrows abit.

 

I'm not even mad @ at the pyscho comment because it caused controversy. Every good writer wants to spark emotion in their reader and it caused a good debate.

[a4a]

I came to some realizations yesterday about my "reasons" for the affair. My wife had indeed treated me very poorly in our marriage - but I derived an interpretation from her actions that translated to her her not loving me nor caring about me. But that was just my interpretation.

 

I think going forward - when she speaks agrily or disrespectfully towards me, I don't have to like it - but I can realize that it doesn't mean she odesn't love me nor care about me and that should not prevent ne from loving her and caring for her back at that moment even of she does this. In other words, rather than seething or lashing back when she does that - I can instead choose to be kind and loving towards her anyway. It'll be hard maybe - but over time that may change my attitude towards these events and maybe even change her behavior towards me.

 

As to going on vacation when I my dad just died and not caring that I'm getting an operation, and yelling at me in front of friends - I may need some help from her to understand what her thought process was. Again I assumed that it was because she was selfish and that I wasn't at all important to her .. but maybe there is another explanation that she can help me with.

Anyway .. that's what's going through my head right now.

 

That is where MC will help...... she probably is not even aware why she does these things.... did you call the MC yet?