I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[newbby]

No legal action is being taken against her. She was just warned to stay away. I can't have her think that she can just show up at my home and harass me anytime she wants. This would be the case even if I was single and she was not an OW.

having the police called on you is humiliating in the extreme.

I would have treated her in a completely different manner had she not done this. She could have called me and even asked to meet somewhere where we cold talk. I would have gone. But what she did was over the top. If you ever have it happen to you, you'll know exactly what I mean.

 

and she would have treated you in a acompletely different manner had you not done what you did. if you ever have a mm feeding you bs to keep you around, and then treated you as less than human when you eventually flip, you will know what i mean too.

it all goes both ways h2t, you seem to have a very harsh judgement on the REactions the women in your life take, and yet you expect understanding for your own. can you not see this?

[Hard2Think]

I wasn't asking for her understanding. She chose to come to my home confront W and yell "Tell him to leave me alone". Before that - I wasn't ready to reconcile anything with the wife and if I continued on my track - I may have left her after all. That was the state of mind I was in at the time.

 

But OW made a decision at that point because she was angry I was going on vacation. I'm sorry if the effects of that decision aren't to her liking. And she knows EXACTLY why I don't want to talk to her again.

 

having the police called on you is humiliating in the extreme.

 

 

and she would have treated you in a acompletely different manner had you not done what you did. if you ever have a mm feeding you bs to keep you around, and then treated you as less than human when you eventually flip, you will know what i mean too.

it all goes both ways h2t, you seem to have a very harsh judgement on the REactions the women in your life take, and yet you expect understanding for your own. can you not see this?

[a4a]

having the police called on you is humiliating in the extreme.

 

 

and she would have treated you in a acompletely different manner had you not done what you did. if you ever have a mm feeding you bs to keep you around, and then treated you as less than human when you eventually flip, you will know what i mean too.

it all goes both ways h2t, you seem to have a very harsh judgement on the REactions the women in your life take, and yet you expect understanding for your own. can you not see this?

 

 

 

 

At this point H2T wants nothing to do with the OW..... case closed. So to continue to attempt to defend her actions and HER DECISION to take such action is pointless. When the OW does start posting her I think she would appreciate support....... she is not posting here is she?

 

Total NC with the OW is the only thing to do at this point...... end of story.

And if you have to weigh the feelings of his wife, his children, and the possible reconciliation with his wife so he is able to retain his family..... IMHO the OW's feeling or need to speak to him is not important...... besides she already made her point twice by visiting his family home. She had her closure that she created...... how the hell do you know for sure that she even wants an apology at this point.

 

Beat that dead horse!

[silktricks]

FORGET FOR A MOMENT THAT THIS IS AN AFFAIR!! IF THIS WAS JUST A SINGLE MAN AND A SINGLE WOMAN, THERE WOULD BE A CONVERSATION AS TO WHY THE RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER! YOU OWE HER THAT MUCH!!!

 

If it was a single man and a single woman, and the single woman, for example, showed up at his work, screaming at him for lying to him, embarassing him in front of his boss or co-workers, and then went to his house, refusing to leave, pounding on the door until he called the cops, would you feel that she deserved a conversation as to why the relationship was over? (Granted, the comparison is strained, but if your comparing apples and bananas, you've got to start somewhere)

 

Be honest.

 

There are circumstances which are so over the top that no conversation should be expected.

[a4a]

If it was a single man and a single woman, and the single woman, for example, showed up at his work, screaming at him for lying to him, embarassing him in front of his boss or co-workers, and then went to his house, refusing to leave, pounding on the door until he called the cops, would you feel that she deserved a conversation as to why the relationship was over? (Granted, the comparison is strained, but if your comparing apples and bananas, you've got to start somewhere)

 

Be honest.

 

There are circumstances which are so over the top that no conversation should be expected.

 

exactly!

[newbby]

At this point H2T wants nothing to do with the OW..... case closed. So to continue to attempt to defend her actions and HER DECISION to take such action is pointless. When the OW does start posting her I think she would appreciate support....... she is not posting here is she?

 

Total NC with the OW is the only thing to do at this point...... end of story.

And if you have to weigh the feelings of his wife, his children, and the possible reconciliation with his wife so he is able to retain his family..... IMHO the OW's feeling or need to speak to him is not important...... besides she already made her point twice by visiting his family home. She had her closure that she created...... how the hell do you know for sure that she even wants an apology at this point.

 

Beat that dead horse!

 

i notice you ignored everything else i said, and no, i do not think it is wise to leave past situations untied, messy or antagonistic, for whatever. looking at it in specifics isnt always the best way. i never suggested he should speak to the ow, only send an email, it isnt difficult. i notice you also seem of the opinion that her child is less important, since her child is dependent on her emotional well being, and doesnt have another parent to step in when the going gets tough, i think she should not be treated as less than human. so she flipped and made a hasty decision, i think anyone (with the exception of the stupid oh-so-pro marriage and cant see anything else people) would agree, that that sort of hasty emotional decison isnt made by someone who has not been driven insane with confused messages, so what, does this mean she should be doomed to h3ll? h2t also made some pretty f'ed up decisions but i dont see him being told to lie in it. its not the point whether she is posting or not, i think anybody who has not tied up and said sorry to a person and just ignores it, will have it come back and bite him in the a** later. because they havent dealt with it in the correct manner. look at the bigger picture, it is the correct and nicest way to do things.

i gave up on this because i felt i was immediately dismissed as another ow personalising things, but when crazy grl spoke up i was pleased and thought perhaps this alternative pov would be acknowledged.

[newbby]

There are circumstances which are so over the top that no conversation should be expected.

 

how over the top is it really?

is it over the top for a bs to become suicidal?

whose the judge on over the top in emotional reactions to things?

[a4a]

how over the top is it really?

is it over the top for a bs to become suicidal?

whose the judge on over the top in emotional reactions to things?

 

Well the OP is the judge in this case...... it is his life that she effected. He has the right to judge the situation and make a decision, which he apparently did.

[newbby]

Well the OP is the judge in this case...... it is his life that she effected. He has the right to judge the situation and make a decision, which he apparently did.

 

nope it is his life that HE affected.

[silktricks]

I did reflect on my problems as well .. I mentioned it earlier. My interpretations of her actions.

 

What some of the women who have posted here are trying to get you to see is that there is more for you to reflect upon than simply your interpretations of her actions.

 

Speaking from my own past now, my H had an EA with another woman because he felt I no longer loved him. I made my life only my life, instead of our life. I was distant and withdrawn, consumed in work and hobbies. I didn't choose to spend my time or my energies with him. Sex wasn't as interesting to me anymore. My tone of voice when I spoke to him, or the expression that crossed my face showed disdain and sometimes even disgust. He thought I didn't care about his health or well-being, but only what I wanted. I know this now due to countless conversations that we have had over the last couple of years.

 

What he didn't know was that I felt used and worthless. I felt he no longer cared for me, but only his hobbies and friends. I no longer saw light in his eyes when he looked at me, and saw instead anger and disgust. I felt he thought he was better than me, smarter, more capable. I knew that he wanted sex, but it seemed that he was interested only in his own enjoyment, not mine. I was exhausted and ill, and felt that he didn't care about my health or well-being. He knows this now due to those same conversations.

 

So. . . what I'm trying to say here, is that you know and have felt the pain that you have experienced at your wife's hands. And you know that you may have mis-interpreted some of her actions. That's really good and the beginning of introspection - but you have a ways to go. You need to also know from your wife's perspective the things YOU have done that have hurt her (and I'm not counting the obvious of having two affairs). I'm talking about things before that, that allowed her to believe that she was no longer important in your life.

 

Communication is a two-way street. But it's a street that becomes clogged, pitted and impassable very quickly without constant use. If you and your wife have a prayer of getting over the past, it's going to be ONLY with a great deal of work on your part as well as hers. You must examine the way she feels and what part your actions (and reactions) have played in the disintegration of both of you, just as your wife must examine her actions (and reactions).

 

It will be VERY difficult to hear about the things you have done that have caused her pain - most of them completely unknowingly. It will be difficult to have these conversations without both of you becoming self-defensive and accusatory. (The old, "well, if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that.") But, if you truly want to resolve the differences between you and begin anew, you'll need to be totally open to your wife's pain, without raising your own defenses. It will be very difficult, but it can be done. Hopefully, your wife will be able to do the same thing in discussion of your pain.

 

Good luck.

[a4a]

i notice you ignored everything else i said, and no, i do not think it is wise to leave past situations untied, messy or antagonistic, for whatever. looking at it in specifics isnt always the best way. i never suggested he should speak to the ow, only send an email, it isnt difficult. i notice you also seem of the opinion that her child is less important, since her child is dependent on her emotional well being, and doesnt have another parent to step in when the going gets tough, i think she should not be treated as less than human. so she flipped and made a hasty decision, i think anyone (with the exception of the stupid oh-so-pro marriage and cant see anything else people) would agree, that that sort of hasty emotional decison isnt made by someone who has not been driven insane with confused messages, so what, does this mean she should be doomed to h3ll? h2t also made some pretty f'ed up decisions but i dont see him being told to lie in it. its not the point whether she is posting or not, i think anybody who has not tied up and said sorry to a person and just ignores it, will have it come back and bite him in the a** later. because they havent dealt with it in the correct manner. look at the bigger picture, it is the correct and nicest way to do things.

i gave up on this because i felt i was immediately dismissed as another ow personalising things, but when crazy grl spoke up i was pleased and thought perhaps this alternative pov would be acknowledged.

 

 

No I was attempting to highlight that you continue to beat this subject to death when the OP has stated that he wants NO Contact with her... his decision. IMHO a good decision.

 

As for her having a child I am not aware to the degree at which H2T has made contact with said child or is even in the life of that child at all...... and as a turn around.. why would the OW risk the well being of her own child by getting involved with a married man??

 

Stupid oh-so- pro marriage?? You need to elaborate this.... my guess is that H2Ts OW was pro marriage as long as she was to be the wife?

 

So now you agree that the poster was indeed insane by her actions, yet he should continue contact with her.... regardless of how she arrived at her insanity further contact is not in the best interest of H2T, his wife, family, or marriage. Or for that matter the OW.... further fuel her fire and hurt her.

 

Dealt with it in the correct manner? Yes he did. She refused to leave his family home, trespassed, made it clear that she wanted to be left alone.

A. called the police instead of further engaging her.

B. he is following her wishes "that he leave her alone"

 

Now I give up this debate because I am stupid and pro marriage..........

[a4a]

What some of the women who have posted here are trying to get you to see is that there is more for you to reflect upon than simply your interpretations of her actions.

 

Speaking from my own past now, my H had an EA with another woman because he felt I no longer loved him. I made my life only my life, instead of our life. I was distant and withdrawn, consumed in work and hobbies. I didn't choose to spend my time or my energies with him. Sex wasn't as interesting to me anymore. My tone of voice when I spoke to him, or the expression that crossed my face showed disdain and sometimes even disgust. He thought I didn't care about his health or well-being, but only what I wanted. I know this now due to countless conversations that we have had over the last couple of years.

 

What he didn't know was that I felt used and worthless. I felt he no longer cared for me, but only his hobbies and friends. I no longer saw light in his eyes when he looked at me, and saw instead anger and disgust. I felt he thought he was better than me, smarter, more capable. I knew that he wanted sex, but it seemed that he was interested only in his own enjoyment, not mine. I was exhausted and ill, and felt that he didn't care about my health or well-being. He knows this now due to those same conversations.

 

So. . . what I'm trying to say here, is that you know and have felt the pain that you have experienced at your wife's hands. And you know that you may have mis-interpreted some of her actions. That's really good and the beginning of introspection - but you have a ways to go. You need to also know from your wife's perspective the things YOU have done that have hurt her (and I'm not counting the obvious of having two affairs). I'm talking about things before that, that allowed her to believe that she was no longer important in your life.

 

Communication is a two-way street. But it's a street that becomes clogged, pitted and impassable very quickly without constant use. If you and your wife have a prayer of getting over the past, it's going to be ONLY with a great deal of work on your part as well as hers. You must examine the way she feels and what part your actions (and reactions) have played in the disintegration of both of you, just as your wife must examine her actions (and reactions).

 

It will be VERY difficult to hear about the things you have done that have caused her pain - most of them completely unknowingly. It will be difficult to have these conversations without both of you becoming self-defensive and accusatory. (The old, "well, if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that.") But, if you truly want to resolve the differences between you and begin anew, you'll need to be totally open to your wife's pain, without raising your own defenses. It will be very difficult, but it can be done. Hopefully, your wife will be able to do the same thing in discussion of your pain.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Brillant post!!

[Hard2Think]

That's a great post. I feel just like your H felt exactly. I don't know if you ever expressed your feelings to him that you described here. But if my wife had ever suggested that she didn't think I loved her - I would have been shocked and I would have done anything and everything to fix that perception. Many times I asked her what could be wrong because I wanted a reason to explain her behavior and I wanted to know what steps I could take to correct my actions to help change that behavior. I wish to God she could have said something like "You work too much" or "I need to to go to bed at the same time as I do" or anything actionable that could make a difference. But every time I would ask, she either would say there's no problem and roll her eyes or she would suggest more expensive vacations.

 

I may be skewed in my perception of myself so I know that I'm not objective here - but I think that I was a great husband to her. I make us a great living which allowed her to chose any activities and pursuits she wanted and she could be with the kids when they get out of school. For the most part I work no more than 40 hours. I am very affectionate with her and frequently tell her I love her and compliment her on her looks. She would scowl when I complimented her .. I never raise my voice to her, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm in great physical shape, and I'm a great father to our kids.

 

My problem may be that I've been too ready to give in to her arguments and demands to keep the peace. I think this may have contributed to make me look boring and unchalenging. Maybe she lost respect for me as a result. But I'm just speculating - I really just don't know. I'm hoping to find out.

 

I find myself doing many things for her such as stop by the local Chinese market and grab her a few food items I know she likes. I cook dinner on weekends, I spend virtually all my free time with her and the family, etc. In times of need - I've always been there for her. Always.

 

6 years ago, her mother came to visit us from the states. We lived in Europe at the time. She died suddenly from pneumonia withing 2 weeks. My wife curled up in a fetal position for 2 weeks and I took care of EVERYTHING. I found a monk (mom was Chinese), I arranged the funeral, I dealt with the morgue and the hospital, and when the cremation occurred, 8 members of my family, my father, and some of our friends were there with her.

 

When my dad was getting cremated - I was alone. She was in Arizona having a grand ole time. She didn't even call me at New Years while she was away that time. My daughter called.

 

Yes I was wrong to cheat. I was my fault and my choice. W did not force me to do it. Maybe I should have just divorced her first. And I won't say this to her .. but between you all and I - I feel that she mostly contibuted to the conditions that made the affair desirable and marriage unbearable. I never cheated on her during the first 13 years of our marriage because there was no chance an OW could interest me and I didn't want to cross such a line. And W was a flight attendant during that period, gone 1/3 of the time. I know that if I had treated my wife the way she treats me - I would have no right to be surprised she went to someone else.

 

I always made excuses for her behavior towards me. But I cannot explain away why she left me alone to bury my father with whom I was very close. I don't know why she thought it was more important to teach a $16 class at the gym that to be there as I got wheeled in and out of the operating room.

 

What some of the women who have posted here are trying to get you to see is that there is more for you to reflect upon than simply your interpretations of her actions.

 

Speaking from my own past now, my H had an EA with another woman because he felt I no longer loved him. I made my life only my life, instead of our life. I was distant and withdrawn, consumed in work and hobbies. I didn't choose to spend my time or my energies with him. Sex wasn't as interesting to me anymore. My tone of voice when I spoke to him, or the expression that crossed my face showed disdain and sometimes even disgust. He thought I didn't care about his health or well-being, but only what I wanted. I know this now due to countless conversations that we have had over the last couple of years.

 

What he didn't know was that I felt used and worthless. I felt he no longer cared for me, but only his hobbies and friends. I no longer saw light in his eyes when he looked at me, and saw instead anger and disgust. I felt he thought he was better than me, smarter, more capable. I knew that he wanted sex, but it seemed that he was interested only in his own enjoyment, not mine. I was exhausted and ill, and felt that he didn't care about my health or well-being. He knows this now due to those same conversations.

 

So. . . what I'm trying to say here, is that you know and have felt the pain that you have experienced at your wife's hands. And you know that you may have mis-interpreted some of her actions. That's really good and the beginning of introspection - but you have a ways to go. You need to also know from your wife's perspective the things YOU have done that have hurt her (and I'm not counting the obvious of having two affairs). I'm talking about things before that, that allowed her to believe that she was no longer important in your life.

 

Communication is a two-way street. But it's a street that becomes clogged, pitted and impassable very quickly without constant use. If you and your wife have a prayer of getting over the past, it's going to be ONLY with a great deal of work on your part as well as hers. You must examine the way she feels and what part your actions (and reactions) have played in the disintegration of both of you, just as your wife must examine her actions (and reactions).

 

It will be VERY difficult to hear about the things you have done that have caused her pain - most of them completely unknowingly. It will be difficult to have these conversations without both of you becoming self-defensive and accusatory. (The old, "well, if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that.") But, if you truly want to resolve the differences between you and begin anew, you'll need to be totally open to your wife's pain, without raising your own defenses. It will be very difficult, but it can be done. Hopefully, your wife will be able to do the same thing in discussion of your pain.

 

Good luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

I would have treated her in a completely different manner had she not done this. She could have called me and even asked to meet somewhere where we cold talk. I would have gone. But what she did was over the top. If you ever have it happen to you, you'll know exactly what I mean.

 

If someone has pointed this out before, forgive me. But really, H2H, this is about her not doing what you wanted her to do.

 

She busted you out to your wife. Your sudden lack of feelings for her have everything to do with that, and not your sudden desire to reconcile. If she would have not done that, you probably would have left your wife- you are just unhappy that she busted you out to your wife.

 

I think you wanted to get divorced- as clearly your wife had agreed- all without your wife finding out about your little indiscretion.

 

She was fine for you to screw around with- you loved her and wanted her until she did this.

 

I'm not debating whether or not what she did was wrong- because it was. But what do you expect from a woman who you've toyed with her emotions- and whether or not she knew you were married has nothing to do with it. You strung her along- told her you were divorcing and then played with her emotions.

 

Both her and your wife are the victims here. She was wrong to have an affair with a married man, yeah- but you were wrong for doing it as well.

She was wrong for coming to your house- both times and really should have shown more respect for herself.

 

I highly suspect that your wife is either a narcassist or has bipolar issues herself. I can completely understand why you chose to have an affair. It was still wrong, but I can understand.

 

But yet, here you are- you've had an affair- and you're more interested in the changes you think your wife has to make to keep you around!!! You've both made major mistakes- and it's going to take major hard work to fix it. On both parts. But you're the cheating spouse at this point, and this is your second affair (does she know of the first one) and you're the one who needs to start trying to make ammends here.

 

For you to sit here and say she's going to have to do this and this- smacks of someone who still thinks they are justified in their actions. Both of you have made mistakes and had responsibilities to the marriage which have been forgotten- and it's going to take both of you to make any changes possible. You will NOT win with her starting over by telling her who wrong she is and how she needs to change (even though she does).

 

You yourself need IC. BADLY. Your wife is replaceable because of the things she's done to you- your OW is replaceable because she got tired of your BS and came to your house. Where is the responsibility for your actions?? Where is you saying "There is something wrong with me that made me act this way?" Because obviously there is something missing somewhere. It cannot be all your wife's fault. If it is, and you can't be faithful then just leave rather than have the third affair.

 

And, as someone who has cheated, I do not believe the "I'm finished with affairs part" It's only been a little bit of time!!! It took me months to get back to being myself after an affair- and even longer than that to get my head around the fact that I wasn't justified no matter what!! I find it really hard to believe "you're cured" in this short of period of time, when you've done this more than once!!

[tinktronik]

No I was attempting to highlight that you continue to beat this subject to death when the OP has stated that he wants NO Contact with her... his decision. IMHO a good decision.

 

As for her having a child I am not aware to the degree at which H2T has made contact with said child or is even in the life of that child at all...... and as a turn around.. why would the OW risk the well being of her own child by getting involved with a married man??

 

Stupid oh-so- pro marriage?? You need to elaborate this.... my guess is that H2Ts OW was pro marriage as long as she was to be the wife?

 

So now you agree that the poster was indeed insane by her actions, yet he should continue contact with her.... regardless of how she arrived at her insanity further contact is not in the best interest of H2T, his wife, family, or marriage. Or for that matter the OW.... further fuel her fire and hurt her.

 

Dealt with it in the correct manner? Yes he did. She refused to leave his family home, trespassed, made it clear that she wanted to be left alone.

A. called the police instead of further engaging her.

B. he is following her wishes "that he leave her alone"

 

Now I give up this debate because I am stupid and pro marriage..........

I agree that the OP has stated that he wants no contact and has taken rational steps to make sure the OW knows her actions and presence are Not welcome or wanted. She has been told to stay away .I also agree that the OW child relationship with the OP is unknown , also I wanted to add that the OW's child is not the responsibility of the OP as he is not its poarent , but the OW is the parent and thus the childs state rests soley on her , and if she allows the OP's actions to affect said child that are totally up to her .The OP has no responsibility for this child, but only to his own children.

 

H2T , you have taken the correct steps in cutting contact and talking to your wife .It will be a hard and painful ride for a while , in open communication you will most likely find that there has been resentment , bitterness and miscommunication that has built up for a long time and will need to be dealt with. A big part of this is opening up yourself and retraining your own reactions to your wife , and she will have to do the same in turn. This is a huge job and makes you vulnerable to hurt , so it has to be at a cost that you are willing to pay.

[Hard2Think]

For the record - I never met OW's child. OW didn't want me to and I didn't either for his sake. As far as I know - he knows nothing about me.

[a4a]

H2T something for you to keep in mind here. Although you have made your view clear that you are totally NC. (but you are a tad wishy washy IMHO from your posts)

 

If you did indeed contact your OW even with a minimal apology via email what is to say she would not show up at your door with a copy of it slap in the middle of your MC and undo any progress and blow more trust with your wife?

 

I could only imagine that in the current state your wife may be in that it would destroy any further progress by you still showing through your actions that you are still a willing and involved party in any form with the OW.

 

Now are you really ready to take your lumps and do the work to save your marriage?...... forget about blaming your wife or expectations for her to change right at this moment, that is for later when you are both in a better state of mind.

 

You can only control YOU right now..... this is going to take a good amount of time to even build the first bridge... so far you have taken the right steps, but be prepared to face obstacles and deal with them. This by far is the most important and hardest thing you probably will/have ever face(d) in your life in which your input/actions can make a difference to the situation. Treat it as such.

 

No more wishy washy poo pooing around. No more avoiding, no more blaming your decisions on the reactions or actions of others.

[whichwayisup]

6 years ago, her mother came to visit us from the states. We lived in Europe at the time. She died suddenly from pneumonia withing 2 weeks. My wife curled up in a fetal position for 2 weeks and I took care of EVERYTHING. I found a monk (mom was Chinese), I arranged the funeral, I dealt with the morgue and the hospital, and when the cremation occurred, 8 members of my family, my father, and some of our friends were there with her.

 

When my dad was getting cremated - I was alone. She was in Arizona having a grand ole time. She didn't even call me at New Years while she was away that time. My daughter called.

 

I always made excuses for her behavior towards me. But I cannot explain away why she left me alone to bury my father with whom I was very close. I don't know why she thought it was more important to teach a $16 class at the gym that to be there as I got wheeled in and out of the operating room.

By going to marriage counselling, these issues will come up and get talked about.

 

I personally don't understand how she could do that to you, unless she felt she couldn't handle it. Infact, it would have been better if she had told you that and then left. Still crappy to do to your spouse, considering you were there for her and her family during their loss.

 

She let you down, big time - And maybe she knows this as well. Maybe that was the turning point in her head when things changed for her. I don't know, I'm just speculating...

 

I don't think you've forgiven her either and that is where most of your resentments come from. You needed her most then and she wasn't there for you.

 

Anyway, keep the faith.

[a4a]

perhaps your wife thinks that you don't want or need her around?

 

You know we can all speculate about this, but only MC will get to the bottom of it.

[Hard2Think]

I don't see where I was wishy-washy on this issue. I'm not contacting her ever at all. Period. I have no second thoughts about this and I don't care what anyone says.

 

Do I feel bad for OW? Yes, very much so. I feel terrible for her pain. But what she did was too much. Her coming that close to my kids was scary and I want her out of my life.

 

So I will be NC for life with her no matter what happens with W in the future. That's final.

 

H2T something for you to keep in mind here. Although you have made your view clear that you are totally NC. (but you are a tad wishy washy IMHO from your posts)

 

If you did indeed contact your OW even with a minimal apology via email what is to say she would not show up at your door with a copy of it slap in the middle of your MC and undo any progress and blow more trust with your wife?

 

I could only imagine that in the current state your wife may be in that it would destroy any further progress by you still showing through your actions that you are still a willing and involved party in any form with the OW.

 

Now are you really ready to take your lumps and do the work to save your marriage?...... forget about blaming your wife or expectations for her to change right at this moment, that is for later when you are both in a better state of mind.

 

You can only control YOU right now..... this is going to take a good amount of time to even build the first bridge... so far you have taken the right steps, but be prepared to face obstacles and deal with them. This by far is the most important and hardest thing you probably will/have ever face(d) in your life in which your input/actions can make a difference to the situation. Treat it as such.

 

No more wishy washy poo pooing around. No more avoiding, no more blaming your decisions on the reactions or actions of others.

[Hard2Think]

She would have to be incredibly delusional. Like I mentioned before, she not only left - but I got the silent treatment from her as I drove her to the airport because of some stupid insignificant issue about me not caring that a vase broke the night before by accident.

 

I believe now that she was incapable of empathizing with my pain. It didn't have anything to do with her - so it wasn't important.

 

perhaps your wife thinks that you don't want or need her around?

 

You know we can all speculate about this, but only MC will get to the bottom of it.

[a4a]

I don't see where I was wishy-washy on this issue. I'm not contacting her ever at all. Period. I have no second thoughts about this and I don't care what anyone says.

 

Do I feel bad for OW? Yes, very much so. I feel terrible for her pain. But what she did was too much. Her coming that close to my kids was scary and I want her out of my life.

 

So I will be NC for life with her no matter what happens with W in the future. That's final.

 

 

oh I did not mean on the NC issue that you were being wishy washy...but on the issues of what you really wanted previously W or OW...... I just hate to see you get weak again and become wishy washy again on what you want regardless of what it is.

 

Just giving you a kick in the pants in hopes that you figure out what you want and stick to it with all your might..... regardless of what it is you want.

 

 

How are you feeling by the way?

[silktricks]

That's a great post. I feel just like your H felt exactly. I don't know if you ever expressed your feelings to him that you described here. But if my wife had ever suggested that she didn't think I loved her

My husband also asked, just as I asked him. Unfortunately, neither of us were capable of lowering our defenses enough to admit that we felt unloved and unwanted.

I may be skewed in my perception of myself so I know that I'm not objective here - but I think that I was a great husband to her. . . .

 

{snip}

My problem may be that I've been too ready to give in to her arguments and demands to keep the peace. I think this may have contributed to make me look boring and unchalenging. Maybe she lost respect for me as a result. But I'm just speculating - I really just don't know. I'm hoping to find out.

 

{snip}

I always made excuses for her behavior towards me. But I cannot explain away why she left me alone to bury my father with whom I was very close. I don't know why she thought it was more important to teach a $16 class at the gym that to be there as I got wheeled in and out of the operating room.

 

H2T, you seem really very high on yourself, and describe yourself as a truly wonderful husband. Do you consider the possibility that your wife would not paint quite such a rosy picture? I urge again introspection on your part, not about how great you are, but about the ways that aren't so great. Every one of us when we are truly honest can come up with all kinds of things that are less than wonderful. Yet, the only thing I ever hear you mention about yourself that is less than magnificent is your affairs. Surely there must be something else as well.

 

As far as your wife not being with you during your hard times. . . I really don't want to make excuses for her, because in my true heart, there are none, BUT - Sometimes, when the person we are with seems so totally capable of taking care of all things, we feel somewhat useless. Sometimes, it's impossible to look at the person we love when they are hurting and down - because if we see that, then it seems that our entire world will crumble. Just a possibility, that maybe has nothing to do with her reality - but you might consider it.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you in on some other thoughts.

[a4a]

She would have to be incredibly delusional. Like I mentioned before, she not only left - but I got the silent treatment from her as I drove her to the airport because of some stupid insignificant issue about me not caring that a vase broke the night before by accident.

 

I believe now that she was incapable of empathizing with my pain. It didn't have anything to do with her - so it wasn't important.

 

Maybe she feels or felt the same way about you..... you did not give a rip about a vase that really meant a lot to her........ how do you know? How the hell do I know? Neither of us do. Again MC will work this out.

 

See you are stating that the vase is insignificant... how do you know it is to her? sheesh......

 

You are not trained to deal with your wifes problems hell you cannot deal with your own. You are not so empathic yourself or else you would not engage in affairs....... right??

 

Reread Silk Tricks post..... it makes brilliant sense. The communication post she wrote about 2 or 3 pages back.

 

Becoming defensive to justify your actions will not solve your problems. Understanding them may lead to resolving this.....but at this point placing blame and shouting "see why I did this, I am right" will not help.

 

Your W is wrong and you are wrong...... now what? So what? You cannot find all the answers right now....you have to chill.

 

Oh stubborn stubborn man... ... you remind me of my H right now.

 

Do you correct your wife when she speaks as well

[Hard2Think]

oh I did not mean on the NC issue that you were being wishy washy...but on the issues of what you really wanted previously W or OW...... I just hate to see you get weak again and become wishy washy again on what you want regardless of what it is.

 

Just giving you a kick in the pants in hopes that you figure out what you want and stick to it with all your might..... regardless of what it is you want.

 

 

How are you feeling by the way?

 

Ok I get it. Yes you're right. I want to stay with W - but only if we can get back to a happy relationship.

 

Today I feel pretty good - but for some reason I'm angry with her. I've been thinking about what the marriage was like before and I'm wondering what was wrong with me that I allowed these things to occur unchecked. I've been mentally going through all the incidents throughout the years in which she was hurtful and I'm angry about it.

 

I suspect that part of what I was feeling during the affair in part was a retaliation for her feelings of entitlement. W felt entitled to sh*t on me, expect me to fulfill my end of the marriage, and be expect me to be glad that she so much as accepts me as a roommate. It seemed to me that she felt I owed her all this and yet she had thought to watch out for me. What will happen to us if I get sick and am not so much fun to be with? I can't say that she would stick with me. I can't count on her for anything that's important.

 

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix everything - but I'm also more willing to accept that this marriage may be more broken than thought and that it make take too much of W to stick it out. I need to forgive myself for what I did to her - which I haven't. I also need to forgive her for what she has done. Before I can do that - I need her to acknowledge at least that she has done it.

 

I'll remain contrite with W if she calls today - but it'll be harder to do that than it was yesterday.

 

I'm sorry if I sound "high on myself". I'm not - but I'm mad as hell. That's how I feel right now.