I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

The vase?? No I didn't care about the vase. My dad had died a few days before and was in the morgue. I was to bury him that week. Sorry if I couldn't sit there and worry about her feelings at that moment. If her f*cking vase was more important to her that what I was going through, then she should marry a vase. Maybe that's what she wanted all along.

 

Maybe she feels or felt the same way about you..... you did not give a rip about a vase that really meant a lot to her........ how do you know? How the hell do I know? Neither of us do. Again MC will work this out.

 

See you are stating that the vase is insignificant... how do you know it is to her? sheesh......

 

You are not trained to deal with your wifes problems hell you cannot deal with your own. You are not so empathic yourself or else you would not engage in affairs....... right??

 

Reread Silk Tricks post..... it makes brilliant sense. The communication post she wrote about 2 or 3 pages back.

 

Becoming defensive to justify your actions will not solve your problems. Understanding them may lead to resolving this.....but at this point placing blame and shouting "see why I did this, I am right" will not help.

 

Your W is wrong and you are wrong...... now what? So what? You cannot find all the answers right now....you have to chill.

 

Oh stubborn stubborn man... ... you remind me of my H right now.

 

Do you correct your wife when she speaks as well

[a4a]

Ok I get it. Yes you're right. I want to stay with W - but only if we can get back to a happy relationship.

 

Today I feel pretty good - but for some reason I'm angry with her. I've been thinking about what the marriage was like before and I'm wondering what was wrong with me that I allowed these things to occur unchecked. I've been mentally going through all the incidents throughout the years in which she was hurtful and I'm angry about it.

 

I suspect that part of what I was feeling during the affair in part was a retaliation for her feelings of entitlement. W felt entitled to sh*t on me, expect me to fulfill my end of the marriage, and be expect me to be glad that she so much as accepts me as a roommate. It seemed to me that she felt I owed her all this and yet she had thought to watch out for me. What will happen to us if I get sick and am not so much fun to be with? I can't say that she would stick with me. I can't count on her for anything that's important.

 

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix everything - but I'm also more willing to accept that this marriage may be more broken than thought and that it make take too much of W to stick it out. I need to forgive myself for what I did to her - which I haven't. I also need to forgive her for what she has done. Before I can do that - I need her to acknowledge at least that she has done it.

 

I'll remain contrite with W if she calls today - but it'll be harder to do that than it was yesterday.

 

I'm sorry if I sound "high on myself". I'm not - but I'm mad as hell. That's how I feel right now.

 

Of course you are mad, guilty, sad, upset, and every other emotion across the board.....

 

You are FINALLY facing the reality of it all. You no longer have your brain in fantasy land, you can no longer avoid the hard look into yourself, your marriage, or your wife.

[a4a]

The vase?? No I didn't care about the vase. My dad had died a few days before and was in the morgue. I was to bury him that week. Sorry if I couldn't sit there and worry about her feelings at that moment. If her f*cking vase was more important to her that what I was going through, then she should marry a vase. Maybe that's what she wanted all along.

 

 

You need to make an appt with an IC NOW.

 

You both have left things so unresolved for so long that you need to get some help to make you see things clearly.

 

Nobody has said your wife is perfect and you are insane nor that your feelings dont count for shyte. But I think you are both so chalk full of resentment right now that neither of you could think clearly enough to start to solve this.....

 

MC will bring you many answers so will IC.

[MarriedTard]

Maybe she feels or felt the same way about you..... you did not give a rip about a vase that really meant a lot to her........ how do you know? How the hell do I know? Neither of us do. Again MC will work this out.

 

See you are stating that the vase is insignificant... how do you know it is to her? sheesh......

 

You are not trained to deal with your wifes problems hell you cannot deal with your own. You are not so empathic yourself or else you would not engage in affairs....... right??

 

Reread Silk Tricks post..... it makes brilliant sense. The communication post she wrote about 2 or 3 pages back.

 

Becoming defensive to justify your actions will not solve your problems. Understanding them may lead to resolving this.....but at this point placing blame and shouting "see why I did this, I am right" will not help.

 

Your W is wrong and you are wrong...... now what? So what? You cannot find all the answers right now....you have to chill.

 

Oh stubborn stubborn man... ... you remind me of my H right now.

 

Do you correct your wife when she speaks as well

 

You must be joking, lady. Please tell me you're joking! Lemme get this straight. H2T's mother in law dies and he steps up to the plate and takes care of business for her. Why? Maybe because he loves her and is concerned for her well-being? Am I moving to fast here?

 

Then his dad dies and she leaves him to his own devices. She abandons him emotionally. Yes that's right. She abandonded him. And too add insult to injury, she refuses to so much as comfort him the while he drives them to the airport. Why? Because he wasn't giving too much importance to some broken vase? I dunno, am I the only one who thinks this is SICK SICK SICK? What's the matter with you people?

 

The wife is psychopathic as far as I'm concerned. I worry for H2T for thinking it's even a good idea to stay with his wifey. She's useless.

[a4a]

You must be joking, lady. Please tell me you're joking! Lemme get this straight. H2T's mother in law dies and he steps up to the plate and takes care of business for her. Why? Maybe because he loves her and is concerned for her well-being? Am I moving to fast here?

 

Then his dad dies and she leaves him to his own devices. She abandons him emotionally. Yes that's right. She abandonded him. And too add insult to injury, she refuses to so much as comfort him the while he drives them to the airport. Why? Because he wasn't giving too much importance to some broken vase? I dunno, am I the only one who thinks this is SICK SICK SICK? What's the matter with you people?

 

The wife is psychopathic as far as I'm concerned. I worry for H2T for thinking it's even a good idea to stay with his wifey. She's useless.

 

stop it you sexy beast.... your posts just make me randy!!!

[Hard2Think]

Thanks for your support, MT. I agree with everything you said. But I don't think W is psychopathic. She's a great mother and when things were good with us, they were good. I'm pretty confident that if she was willing to go to MC with me, that maybe we could resolve issues like this. Clearly there is something amiss ..

 

You must be joking, lady. Please tell me you're joking! Lemme get this straight. H2T's mother in law dies and he steps up to the plate and takes care of business for her. Why? Maybe because he loves her and is concerned for her well-being? Am I moving to fast here?

 

Then his dad dies and she leaves him to his own devices. She abandons him emotionally. Yes that's right. She abandonded him. And too add insult to injury, she refuses to so much as comfort him the while he drives them to the airport. Why? Because he wasn't giving too much importance to some broken vase? I dunno, am I the only one who thinks this is SICK SICK SICK? What's the matter with you people?

 

The wife is psychopathic as far as I'm concerned. I worry for H2T for thinking it's even a good idea to stay with his wifey. She's useless.

[norajane]

Thanks for your support, MT. I agree with everything you said. But I don't think W is psychopathic. She's a great mother and when things were good with us, they were good. I'm pretty confident that if she was willing to go to MC with me, that maybe we could resolve issues like this. Clearly there is something amiss ..

 

Have you been giving some thought to when things started to change with your wife, and what was going on in your lives then?

[Hard2Think]

I've spent years trying to figure that out. I think we got into a rut maybe and I maybe have a tendency to give in to her all the time. I may have ceased to be very interesting anymore. But that's pure speculation. I don't know what the issues are and it's not from lack of asking.

 

Have you been giving some thought to when things started to change with your wife, and what was going on in your lives then?

[a4a]

Have you been giving some thought to when things started to change with your wife, and what was going on in your lives then?

 

you know it might not be a bad idea to make some notes in preparation for MC or IC.

 

In the long run it might be very good for you as an exercise to do so......

 

It may not be a bad idea to make notes as well about your W's good points and what expectations you may have for your marriage.

[newbby]

i give up, people are missing points all over the place. i did not mention any relationship or lack of between h2t and ows child. please read carefully, and THINK. maybe she risked the relationship cause he made himself sound like a sure bet, married or not, he certainly presented himself as both available and very interested in being with her. maybe after years of being a sp she felt relief for the fact that she might have a partner. how the h3ll do you know, and how can you judge what she does or doesnt deserve.

and now h2t you are making her out to be a possible danger to your kids! because she got emotional and stepped out of your control. as mz pixie said, she did something other than what you wanted her to do. not so long ago you were planning to be with her. i think you are percieving the ow, (and everyone else for that matter) through your own fears, guilt, needs, desires. you need to look at yourself and what actions are merely reactions.

as for the stupid pro marriage comment, i didnt mean that anyone who was pro marriage was stupid, but there are so many people here who are blind to anything else mattering. i have seen posters encourage a woman to stay with "the man she made vows to" despite the fact that he was beating her on a regular basis. this to me is absolutely stupid yes. it is happening here, anything but the marriage does not matter, well it does matter actually. h2t invited the ow into his life, in quite a big way, lets be honest here, and so yes she does have some rights. a right to the truth and an apology and to be able to walk away with some dignity so she can be strong for her child.

i know it has nothing to do with his f***ing marriage, but it is still important. NOT just for her but for h2t and possibly even his marriage too.

[Hard2Think]

Good points. I do agree that OW is a victim here - not me. But the bottom line is that this does give her special rights to show up at my house anymore. She's out of control. What next - slashing my tires?

 

I'm sorry if she was misled. The truth is - I did not break off with her until she pulled that stunt at the house. And if she had called after that - I would have answered and spoken to her. She chose the circumstances and although it was impulsive - she knew damn what the effects of her actions would be when she did it. She even demanded that I be left alone.

 

She's not hearing from me again.

 

i give up, people are missing points all over the place. i did not mention any relationship or lack of between h2t and ows child. please read carefully, and THINK. maybe she risked the relationship cause he made himself sound like a sure bet, married or not, he certainly presented himself as both available and very interested in being with her. maybe after years of being a sp she felt relief for the fact that she might have a partner. how the h3ll do you know, and how can you judge what she does or doesnt deserve.

and now h2t you are making her out to be a possible danger to your kids! because she got emotional and stepped out of your control. as mz pixie said, she did something other than what you wanted her to do. not so long ago you were planning to be with her. i think you are percieving the ow, (and everyone else for that matter) through your own fears, guilt, needs, desires. you need to look at yourself and what actions are merely reactions.

as for the stupid pro marriage comment, i didnt mean that anyone who was pro marriage was stupid, but there are so many people here who are blind to anything else mattering. i have seen posters encourage a woman to stay with "the man she made vows to" despite the fact that he was beating her on a regular basis. this to me is absolutely stupid yes. it is happening here, anything but the marriage does not matter, well it does matter actually. h2t invited the ow into his life, in quite a big way, lets be honest here, and so yes she does have some rights. a right to the truth and an apology and to be able to walk away with some dignity so she can be strong for her child.

i know it has nothing to do with his f***ing marriage, but it is still important. NOT just for her but for h2t and possibly even his marriage too.

[newbby]

The wife is psychopathic as far as I'm concerned. I worry for H2T for thinking it's even a good idea to stay with his wifey. She's useless.

 

and yes from the info we have here the w sounds like a psychopath or at least an incredibly selfish woman, the most selfish of the three of them by far. yet we must consider poor wifes feelings because "HE MADE VOWS"

[tinktronik]

i give up, people are missing points all over the place. i did not mention any relationship or lack of between h2t and ows child. please read carefully, and THINK. maybe she risked the relationship cause he made himself sound like a sure bet, married or not, he certainly presented himself as both available and very interested in being with her. maybe after years of being a sp she felt relief for the fact that she might have a partner. how the h3ll do you know, and how can you judge what she does or doesnt deserve.

and now h2t you are making her out to be a possible danger to your kids! because she got emotional and stepped out of your control. as mz pixie said, she did something other than what you wanted her to do. not so long ago you were planning to be with her. i think you are percieving the ow, (and everyone else for that matter) through your own fears, guilt, needs, desires. you need to look at yourself and what actions are merely reactions.

as for the stupid pro marriage comment, i didnt mean that anyone who was pro marriage was stupid, but there are so many people here who are blind to anything else mattering. i have seen posters encourage a woman to stay with "the man she made vows to" despite the fact that he was beating her on a regular basis. this to me is absolutely stupid yes. it is happening here, anything but the marriage does not matter, well it does matter actually. h2t invited the ow into his life, in quite a big way, lets be honest here, and so yes she does have some rights. a right to the truth and an apology and to be able to walk away with some dignity so she can be strong for her child.

i know it has nothing to do with his f***ing marriage, but it is still important. NOT just for her but for h2t and possibly even his marriage too.

Newby , an apology to the OW will not make his marrige any better .I think you know that .Maybe this is unfair that he did not apologize but life is not always fair. The OW still has her dignity , it is not based solely on her relationship with the OP . I'm sorry if the thread has upset you or touched some nerve you are uncomfortable with .

[a4a]

i know it has nothing to do with his f***ing marriage, but it is still important. NOT just for her but for h2t and possibly even his marriage too.

 

 

May I suggest to take this to a PM debate as the OP has decided that he is going total NC or perhaps to start a thread on this subject in general without using H2Ts thread as the primary place to post about this debate?

 

Of course I guess since this is H2Ts thread that he has final say or his wishes should be considered in this matter.

[newbby]

Good points. I do agree that OW is a victim here - not me. But the bottom line is that this does give her special rights to show up at my house anymore. She's out of control. What next - slashing my tires?

 

I'm sorry if she was misled. The truth is - I did not break off with her until she pulled that stunt at the house. And if she had called after that - I would have answered and spoken to her. She chose the circumstances and although it was impulsive - she knew damn what the effects of her actions would be when she did it. She even demanded that I be left alone.

 

She's not hearing from me again.

 

and when she showed up next day, why not speak to the woman? you know like a human. even if you had said "i can never forgive you for telling my wife and i hate you now" at least this is communication. saying i dont want to speak to you, with no explanation and then calling the police is the kind of treatment that drives people nuts. probably why you recieved a confused phone message after that. she clearly still did not know where she stood, or what exactly you were angry about, because of what she said on the phone. that is not demented behaviour, it is confused behaviour, meaning she hadnt been told anything and didnt know what was going on. you didnt invite her to your home, but you invited her into a relationship with you with long term promises, so it is not sooo outrageous that she show up at you home. anyway, i have said my piece, this thread annoys me.

[newbby]

May I suggest to take this to a PM debate as the OP has decided that he is going total NC or perhaps to start a thread on this subject in general without using H2Ts thread as the primary place to post about this debate?

 

Of course I guess since this is H2Ts thread that he has final say or his wishes should be considered in this matter.

 

its hardly off subject now is it?

[newbby]

Newby , an apology to the OW will not make his marrige any better

arrrrghhh

.I think you know that .Maybe this is unfair that he did not apologize but life is not always fair. The OW still has her dignity , it is not based solely on her relationship with the OP . I'm sorry if the thread has upset you or touched some nerve you are uncomfortable with .

 

it has annoyed me because it is ridiculous. something so obvious seems to be beyond the understanding of so many.

[whichwayisup]

Newbby, let it go. It doesn't matter anymore and H2T MUST move past this and put the OW OUT of his head...For himself, and out of respect for his wife and their marriage. Why can't you understand this. I know this thread annoys you and you're not getting the answers you need, but you mentioning the OW over and over and over and over again isn't doing any good, nor going to DO any good to fix this man's marriage.

 

It's not good for him to keep intouch with the OW in ANY way, especially right now. Any contact by him will only make her feel worse. For her own sanity, the OW needs to move on, and forget about him. Ofcourse she is hurting, but she's also not thinking and crossing the lines by showing up at his house twice. The fact she told the wife "Keep him away from me" doesn't make sense considering she showed up a second time. She may not be pyscho but she is acting out of character, he even said so.

[tinktronik]

arrrrghhh

 

 

it has annoyed me because it is ridiculous. something so obvious seems to be beyond the understanding of so many.

It is apparently only obvious to you Newby , therefore not obvious at all. H2T has made his descision , lets not harp on this any longer . Let it go , like A4A said take it to pm's .This thread is now about reconsiliation with his W . Hes chosen his direction .

[newbby]

it is not only obvious to me, i am not a singular voice here. but fine, i am sorry for being disruptive to the thread. i will not comment again on the thread.

[UnknowingOW]

stop it you sexy beast.... your posts just make me randy!!!

 

OH MY GOD!!! :D :D :lmao: :lmao: :p

[JamesM]

But yet, here you are- you've had an affair- and you're more interested in the changes you think your wife has to make to keep you around!!! You've both made major mistakes- and it's going to take major hard work to fix it. On both parts. But you're the cheating spouse at this point, and this is your second affair (does she know of the first one) and you're the one who needs to start trying to make ammends here.

 

For you to sit here and say she's going to have to do this and this- smacks of someone who still thinks they are justified in their actions. Both of you have made mistakes and had responsibilities to the marriage which have been forgotten- and it's going to take both of you to make any changes possible. You will NOT win with her starting over by telling her who wrong she is and how she needs to change (even though she does).

 

Ms Pixie, excellent points. I have wondered this too. We are debating what the wife has to change when H2T has cheated twice. No offense, but at this point...if you want your wife back, H2T...we should be discussing what can be done to bring you back as a good husband.

 

Forget the OW. Yes, she is an individual who is hurting. Yes, she deserves better. But she tangled with a MM...playing with fire can get one burned.

 

H2T, you mentioned that your in-laws were from China if remember correctly? Is your wife not raised in America? Could this have bearing on her actions regarding your father, etc? Not excusing her, but her behavior while you wre in pain is not normal.

 

Please let us all focus on helping Brother H2T. He has done wrong. It is our duty to bring him back into the fold.

[a4a]

H2T, you mentioned that your in-laws were from China if remember correctly? Is your wife not raised in America? Could this have bearing on her actions regarding your father, etc? Not excusing her, but her behavior while you wre in pain is not normal.

 

Please let us all focus on helping Brother H2T. He has done wrong. It is our duty to bring him back into the fold.

 

The china origin crossed my mind as well..... there is no excuse that would be within our idea of normal range to justify her behavior..... I have to think it was indeed caused by something else. Did she learn such action from her parents...... was she still in a state of serious pain from the loss of her family member and could not deal with your loss? .......... MC will uncover this riddle.

 

Agreed H2T needs our support......he did wrong but is also in great agony at this point.

 

Holy Smokes James..... we are on the same page again

[Ladyjane14]

The china origin crossed my mind as well..... there is no excuse that would be within our idea of normal range to justify her behavior..... I have to think it was indeed caused by something else. Did she learn such action from her parents...... was she still in a state of serious pain from the loss of her family member and could not deal with your loss? .......... MC will uncover this riddle.

 

The only other possible explanation I can think of would be that the wife has been in an extreme 'state of withdrawal'. If you google the words "The Three States of Marriage, marriagbuilders", H2T... you'll find the article. It's an interesting read, and might give you a little insight into 'why' your wife might've been so emotionally unresponsive to you.

[Hard2Think]

W is Americanized Chinese. She's actually only 1/2 Chinese.

 

Anyway, she called me today for a 2 min conversation where basically she said she hates me right now, she's mad because there are families all over the place where she is and I can't be there because of what I did. She said she can't do this again - ever. And she said 'goodbye' and hung up.

 

I think I better mobilize my legal options maybe .. crap.