I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Ladyjane14]

W is Americanized Chinese. She's actually only 1/2 Chinese.

 

Anyway, she called me today for a 2 min conversation where basically she said she hates me right now, she's mad because there are families all over the place where she is and I can't be there because of what I did. She said she can't do this again - ever. And she said 'goodbye' and hung up.

 

I think I better mobilize my legal options maybe .. crap.

 

No need to panic yet. If she REALLY "hated" you... I doubt she'd have made time to call you on the phone just to say so.

 

She's pissed off. She has a right to be. It's early days, and it's going to take her some time to figure out what she wants to do.

[a4a]

W is Americanized Chinese. She's actually only 1/2 Chinese.

 

Anyway, she called me today for a 2 min conversation where basically she said she hates me right now, she's mad because there are families all over the place where she is and I can't be there because of what I did. She said she can't do this again - ever. And she said 'goodbye' and hung up.

 

I think I better mobilize my legal options maybe .. crap.

 

The wound is fresh..... don't expect to solve this right away.

 

If she got wind right now of you contacting an attorney you are also blowing your chances. It shows that you are not serious about attempting to work this out.

[Hard2Think]

The wound is fresh..... don't expect to solve this right away.

 

If she got wind right now of you contacting an attorney you are also blowing your chances. It shows that you are not serious about attempting to work this out.

 

You're right. Thanks. This is just disheartening. I'll have to deal ..

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe you should have asked her if she wanted you to finish out the vacation with her and the kids?

[a4a]

You're right. Thanks. This is just disheartening. I'll have to deal ..

 

ehh..... I am happy to kick you in the pants if ya need it!

 

Just stay on course

[Hard2Think]

Maybe you should have asked her if she wanted you to finish out the vacation with her and the kids?

 

I did not sense that she was wanting me to come up there all. She's the one who asked me to stay back and she's still livid.

[norajane]

W is Americanized Chinese. She's actually only 1/2 Chinese.

 

Anyway, she called me today for a 2 min conversation where basically she said she hates me right now, she's mad because there are families all over the place where she is and I can't be there because of what I did. She said she can't do this again - ever. And she said 'goodbye' and hung up.

 

I think I better mobilize my legal options maybe .. crap.

 

Just as you have been going through a roller coaster of feelings, so has your wife. Earlier today (or yesterday...), you were angry with her yourself. Tomorrow, you may feel something else. She is going through the same thing and is calling you each time as she is experiencing her emotions. You have to expect and accept that what she says at any given moment is not the Final word on anything yet.

[Hard2Think]

Just as you have been going through a roller coaster of feelings, so has your wife. Earlier today (or yesterday...), you were angry with her yourself. Tomorrow, you may feel something else. She is going through the same thing and is calling you each time as she is experiencing her emotions. You have to expect and accept that what she says at any given moment is not the Final word on anything yet.

 

This is very true. Thanks for the reminder. Like LJ said before. It's a good sign that she's so mad at me and so emotional. In a very weird way, that's been the best demonstration of her love for me in a long time.

[UnknowingOW]

Let me start off by saying, this is going against the thread of support at the moment.

 

H2T needs to work on himself and his marriage...I COMPLETELY AGREE!!! I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope he seeks forgiveness in himself and those he has hurt. I hope he is willing to learn from his mistakes and make a better life for himself. I am proud he finally admitted the OW was the victim, and that he wants to work on his marriage.

 

Now: Enough...

I am not trying to pick an a debate, but I do pray many could understand why the OW is trying to get her point across. Just some acknowledgement and compassion is needed...nothing more. I realize as a spouse that is most difficult to provide when your spouse has become involved in an EMR. Even if your spouse hasn't been involved in an EMR give some thought to what the OW is trying to say here with a bit more of an open-mind.

 

All the OW's get the point...basically the OW POV is not wanted or needed or even remotely cared about because the marriage vow are the most sacred and are the priority. The OW's gets it...we hear it loud and clear. You might feel we deserve the outcome of loss. In some case yes, but in the majority no.

 

The thread is to gain understand and receive guidence for everyone involved in a relationship. This thread started one way and has shifted many times over it's life.

 

I am an OW...and not by choice. I am no longer involved with my xMM. Yet as a person of honor and morals, I told my xMM why it was over as moment I learned he was still married. I had known him for many years...I owed him that much from myself. He was my friend 1st and foremost I could not to just walk away and close the door and never look back without and explaination of why I was leaving. He was someone I had waited years to be with. Does he love me...yes, and he still tells me this every day in his emails...that he has fallen completely in love with me. Am I hurt...absolutley. He is my true love. Does he hurt...everyday. But I give him credit...he is trying to make his marriage work, and I will not be his distraction in that process.

 

What all the OW's are trying to get across to those who have NEVER been involved in an EMR is this...give it closure. Just as the BS has their heart and soul in the marriage; the OW is no different in the EMR. She lives in the same thought process that one day (as her MM says) he will be with her...she is the love of his life. Vows are made to each party; and one only knows what one is told. Do you really think this is all fantasy? It's not...there is heart and soul to the EMR. Both hearts hurt when it is over. We are human...just like you. Could any of you just close the door to someone you loved without saying why?

 

But, and this is the BIG BUT, if the EMR is over closure is needed. To many emotions are involved. Closure aids in the healing process. Closure gives you dignity and respect whether or not you knew the OP was married. Just as the OP or OW/OM wants the respect of ending the EMR with NC. The OP/OW/OM wants that same respect of walking gracefully instead of feeling like a fool.

 

I've been the BS. I've been unknowing OW. I know it takes complete understanding of the situation, forgiveness, and closure. It is the only way for anyone to move on to a better place in their life. One cannot understand another's sitaution until they have walked in those shoes. Try putting yourself there sometime to comprehend what it is like.

 

I never thought I would be in this place where I can honestly say...I love a married man. It hurts me deeply that I feel this way because I am like most of you...I believe in marriage. I believe in the vows. I believe in the man I love. And my soul is tortured for the time being until i can completely move on. I will...it will just take time.

 

Just be a bit more understanding of the OW instead of lashing out out them. And, i know...the lashing has gone both ways....too much emotion in this arguement.

 

Again, I support marriage, but I also support the closure of the EMR. It's needed for everyone involved. IMHO.

 

H2T..sorry for thread jacking but this had gotten out of hand were the OW's were concerned. The OW's are not tyring to hurt you but to have you see our POV in this situation and why closure would have been the best approach for all concerned. Again, I wish you luck on your current journey.

[BUTAFLY]

It is apparently only obvious to you Newby , therefore not obvious at all. H2T has made his descision , lets not harp on this any longer . Let it go , like A4A said take it to pm's .This thread is now about reconsiliation with his W . Hes chosen his direction .

 

Its crystal clear to me too.

[Hard2Think]

She said yesterday that she wanted me out of the house when she got back and that doesn't want me around. I can give her a week or so of that - but at some point I'll have to make this a legal arrangement complete with visitation.

 

The wound is fresh..... don't expect to solve this right away.

 

If she got wind right now of you contacting an attorney you are also blowing your chances. It shows that you are not serious about attempting to work this out.

[Mz. Pixie]

I kinda would like to see my comments addressed by H2.

 

James touched a bit on what I said, but I'd like to see what H2 thinks about my comments?? Perhaps this thread is moving too fast.

[a4a]

She said yesterday that she wanted me out of the house when she got back and that doesn't want me around. I can give her a week or so of that - but at some point I'll have to make this a legal arrangement complete with visitation.

 

 

I understand what she said. But think of it this way.....

mommy comes back from vacation with us and dad is gone?

 

You don't have a choice nor does she to see who comes first now.

 

I suggest you use that angle to try to bring her to her senses.

 

she is all over the board right now..... looking at websites, telling you to get out, she is not thinking clearly and needs to get the inital anger out.

 

Think if the shoe were on the other foot and some man came to your house to tell you that he had been having an affair with your wife...... what would be your state of mind right now? She was blind sided by this.... it is going to take some time to get her head straight enough to think.

 

Now off to fix my flat tire. (see my H could do this but he didn't because I asked him to yours is not the first or last screwed up marriage on the planet)

[Hard2Think]

I agree with what you say. I'm perfectly willing and ready to make any changes W thinks are necessary to make this work for her. I told her that I prefer her to be happy even if that means being without me - but I deeply wish that we can keep it together.

 

And I haven't thrown any of the blame her way at all yet. I'm waiting for the opportunity during MC for that, if she decides to go. For now I'm taking all the beatings and that's fine - I'm the perp.

 

Yes I may have left my wife .. but I know now that I would have wanted to go back in less than a week. I'm glad it didn't go that way.

 

Yes I thought I loved OW until she did this. I know she was distraught - but she lost control and sought to harm me. He aim was to hurt me. I lost all feeling for her after that. I also know I didn't love her. I was infatuated with the concept of loving her. I don't think she loves me either. I think she's looking for someone to love her like I did.

 

I did the same with the first OW. I never saw her again after it was over. I know some of you may read into this that I'm uncaring - but it's not the case. I never couild feel for the OW what I feel for my wife. That's why I've stayed with her in spite of all the abuse. I'm still deeply in love with her.

 

I say to you that W needs to make changes for this to work - but I won't lay any of that on her. I'm hoping that she'll come to that realization on her own without my prompting and maybe during MC.

 

If someone has pointed this out before, forgive me. But really, H2H, this is about her not doing what you wanted her to do.

 

She busted you out to your wife. Your sudden lack of feelings for her have everything to do with that, and not your sudden desire to reconcile. If she would have not done that, you probably would have left your wife- you are just unhappy that she busted you out to your wife.

 

I think you wanted to get divorced- as clearly your wife had agreed- all without your wife finding out about your little indiscretion.

 

She was fine for you to screw around with- you loved her and wanted her until she did this.

 

I'm not debating whether or not what she did was wrong- because it was. But what do you expect from a woman who you've toyed with her emotions- and whether or not she knew you were married has nothing to do with it. You strung her along- told her you were divorcing and then played with her emotions.

 

Both her and your wife are the victims here. She was wrong to have an affair with a married man, yeah- but you were wrong for doing it as well.

She was wrong for coming to your house- both times and really should have shown more respect for herself.

 

I highly suspect that your wife is either a narcassist or has bipolar issues herself. I can completely understand why you chose to have an affair. It was still wrong, but I can understand.

 

But yet, here you are- you've had an affair- and you're more interested in the changes you think your wife has to make to keep you around!!! You've both made major mistakes- and it's going to take major hard work to fix it. On both parts. But you're the cheating spouse at this point, and this is your second affair (does she know of the first one) and you're the one who needs to start trying to make ammends here.

 

For you to sit here and say she's going to have to do this and this- smacks of someone who still thinks they are justified in their actions. Both of you have made mistakes and had responsibilities to the marriage which have been forgotten- and it's going to take both of you to make any changes possible. You will NOT win with her starting over by telling her who wrong she is and how she needs to change (even though she does).

 

You yourself need IC. BADLY. Your wife is replaceable because of the things she's done to you- your OW is replaceable because she got tired of your BS and came to your house. Where is the responsibility for your actions?? Where is you saying "There is something wrong with me that made me act this way?" Because obviously there is something missing somewhere. It cannot be all your wife's fault. If it is, and you can't be faithful then just leave rather than have the third affair.

 

And, as someone who has cheated, I do not believe the "I'm finished with affairs part" It's only been a little bit of time!!! It took me months to get back to being myself after an affair- and even longer than that to get my head around the fact that I wasn't justified no matter what!! I find it really hard to believe "you're cured" in this short of period of time, when you've done this more than once!!

[Hard2Think]

I'm sorry - I don't get what "angle" you're talking about .. Could you clariy that for me ..?

 

I understand what she said. But think of it this way.....

mommy comes back from vacation with us and dad is gone?

 

You don't have a choice nor does she to see who comes first now.

 

I suggest you use that angle to try to bring her to her senses.

 

she is all over the board right now..... looking at websites, telling you to get out, she is not thinking clearly and needs to get the inital anger out.

 

Think if the shoe were on the other foot and some man came to your house to tell you that he had been having an affair with your wife...... what would be your state of mind right now? She was blind sided by this.... it is going to take some time to get her head straight enough to think.

 

Now off to fix my flat tire. (see my H could do this but he didn't because I asked him to yours is not the first or last screwed up marriage on the planet)

[silktricks]

Those of you who are OW's who have posted that he should call/email/contact the OW are looking at this from the point of the OW, as is completely understandable. You have been very clear that you feel it is important for the OW to have closure and an apology.

 

I agree that in the best of all worlds it would be a good thing for her to have closure. H2T should have done that at the appropriate time. I believe however, that the appropriate time is now past.

 

Though it was in response to him and his wishy-washy attitude (or confusing actions, or however you want to characterise it) the OW chose to drive to his house and thrust upon his wife some very ugly truths. LJ stated it well somewhere in this thread, and I won't do what she said justice, but it was something to the effect that pain teaches us all lessons. What the OW may have expected as a result of her actions and what she got were probably vastly different. Probably she has learned/is learning something from this experience.

 

Again, I can only speak from experience - my experience. My H had an EA. If he would have even one time contacted her without my knowledge AND AGREEMENT after I found out about the A, I never would have forgiven him nor trusted him again.

 

This isn't about who is more worthy of respect. It isn't about who is the better person. It isn't about whether H2T's marriage vows are more important that the words of passion he told the OW. None of that is the issue. The issue is ONLY - what does he want to have happen. IF H2T wants his wife back and family whole, then he simply cannot contact the OW again. Period, end.

 

I'm absolutely not saying that the OW didn't deserve closure. She did. I'm not saying that the marriage is the most important thing - that's not my choice to make. It's H2T's choice, as it's his life, and he needs to decide (and stick to) a decision about just what it is he wants in his life.

 

BUT - he has apparently decided that he wants his wife. Given that apparent choice, he cannot again contact the OW in any way. To do so would indicate to his wife that she is not worth more TO HIM than the OW is. That does NOT imply in any way that the wife is more worthy, better person or any of that. Please do NOT think that is what I am saying.

[a4a]

I'm sorry - I don't get what "angle" you're talking about .. Could you clariy that for me ..?

 

Well my tire is not getting fixed

 

anywho what I meant is that you have to think outside just your feelings and her feelings right now.

 

You have to convince her (this is not lying or a tactic) that you need to learn to be civil to each other, you are willing to bend at this point, but MC must happen for the sake of the kids so you both can learn to communicate.

 

what she will probably say about you moving out if you refuse using the above reasoning to spare the kids the blind sided surprise is :

 

Well why didn't you think of the kids while you were screwing that women?

 

see where this is going?

[silktricks]

She said yesterday that she wanted me out of the house when she got back and that doesn't want me around. I can give her a week or so of that - but at some point I'll have to make this a legal arrangement complete with visitation.

 

H2T - I can see why you make a lot of money - you are impatient and fast moving. That attitude works well in a business environment. It absolutely sucks when trying to deal with people and emotions.

 

No, you do NOT need to make legal arrangements yet. You see somebody sneeze and begin making funeral arrangements. For pity's sake, just what is it you DO want? If you want your wife to forgive you, then you'd better begin acting like a person who wants to be forgiven.

 

Why don't you call her? Better yet, why don't you just go wherever it is that she is and try talking to her and showing her that you love her. I can tell you this, if my husband had let me just go away for a week after he told me about his A, I would have figured that he simply didn't give a rip about me or my feelings. I would figure that he was with her every moment I was gone, and would have proceeded to follow those thoughts with the exact same actions your wife is taking.

 

Go see her. Let her see that you want to fix things - if indeed you do.

 

You certainly are a confusing person.

 

Like everyone here has said, you need some IC really really really badly!!

[Hard2Think]

So you're saying I should go ahead and be out of there as she asked? I'm just a little worried about how that'll look both to the kids and eventually maybe to the courts. At the same time, staying there may seem too forceful at this point.

 

That's why I have to set a time limit before we have to make this a legal separation. At that point all may be lost.

 

Well my tire is not getting fixed

 

anywho what I meant is that you have to think outside just your feelings and her feelings right now.

 

You have to convince her (this is not lying or a tactic) that you need to learn to be civil to each other, you are willing to bend at this point, but MC must happen for the sake of the kids so you both can learn to communicate.

 

what she will probably say about you moving out if you refuse using the above reasoning to spare the kids the blind sided surprise is :

 

Well why didn't you think of the kids while you were screwing that women?

 

see where this is going?

[Hard2Think]

You think I should go to where they are? That's an interesting thought. It's not a bad idea, either .. I just don't want to cause complications. But maybe that IS the best option.

 

H2T - I can see why you make a lot of money - you are impatient and fast moving. That attitude works well in a business environment. It absolutely sucks when trying to deal with people and emotions.

 

No, you do NOT need to make legal arrangements yet. You see somebody sneeze and begin making funeral arrangements. For pity's sake, just what is it you DO want? If you want your wife to forgive you, then you'd better begin acting like a person who wants to be forgiven.

 

Why don't you call her? Better yet, why don't you just go wherever it is that she is and try talking to her and showing her that you love her. I can tell you this, if my husband had let me just go away for a week after he told me about his A, I would have figured that he simply didn't give a rip about me or my feelings. I would figure that he was with her every moment I was gone, and would have proceeded to follow those thoughts with the exact same actions your wife is taking.

 

Go see her. Let her see that you want to fix things - if indeed you do.

 

You certainly are a confusing person.

 

Like everyone here has said, you need some IC really really really badly!!

[BUTAFLY]

I did the same with the first OW. I never saw her again after it was over. I know some of you may read into this that I'm uncaring - but it's not the case. I never couild feel for the OW what I feel for my wife. That's why I've stayed with her in spite of all the abuse. I'm still deeply in love with her. .

 

I pray that you and your wife stay together ...because at least you will stop leaving a trail of broken hearted women and dismissing them as collateral damage.

 

correction: I guess you and your wife together won't do the trick since you hurt 2 woman while married.I mean to say I hope you get that loving marriage back.

[BUTAFLY]

I have been gone from this thread. but just caught up again and I have so many pennies to through in the pot.

 

First I want to ask why you H2T got married? I know on page 2 or 3 you said you recongnized her flaws when you got together but overlooked them 'cause of the sex. I now theres got to be more. You haven't meantioned anything good about her as of yet, besides shes a good mom.

 

second: Does your wife work? I know you said the two of you struggled in the earlier days and she wasn't always this bad.

[Hard2Think]

That was GREAT advice!! I just booked a ticket - the earliest I can leave is 6 AM tomorrow. I's a long flight, but I'll be there at 1:30. I'll have all day Saturday with them and then we go back on Sunday.

 

It can't make things any worse than tho latch on they were and it may give her something to latch on to about my actions

 

H2T - I can see why you make a lot of money - you are impatient and fast moving. That attitude works well in a business environment. It absolutely sucks when trying to deal with people and emotions.

 

No, you do NOT need to make legal arrangements yet. You see somebody sneeze and begin making funeral arrangements. For pity's sake, just what is it you DO want? If you want your wife to forgive you, then you'd better begin acting like a person who wants to be forgiven.

 

Why don't you call her? Better yet, why don't you just go wherever it is that she is and try talking to her and showing her that you love her. I can tell you this, if my husband had let me just go away for a week after he told me about his A, I would have figured that he simply didn't give a rip about me or my feelings. I would figure that he was with her every moment I was gone, and would have proceeded to follow those thoughts with the exact same actions your wife is taking.

 

Go see her. Let her see that you want to fix things - if indeed you do.

 

You certainly are a confusing person.

 

Like everyone here has said, you need some IC really really really badly!!

[a4a]

You think I should go to where they are? That's an interesting thought. It's not a bad idea, either .. I just don't want to cause complications. But maybe that IS the best option.

 

May not be a bad idea but you may also be facing a firing squad...... how dedicated are you to this and how much can you take?

 

I don't think you should move out at all.

Not now....

 

Silk is right on the money.... you see a problem and you attack it immediatley.

 

you want results immediatley if not sooner! (that is my motto!)

 

But in this case you need to have a cool head and be in charge......slow and steady. There is no quick fix. Hell divorce isn't a quick fix. You got kids and property to deal with.

 

From your postings it seems as tho you are waivering on your decision to fix this. You need to only concentrate on getting your wife to MC with you right now. Nothing else. Well with exception of making sure your kids are not caught up in the middle of this.

 

There is no need to dial up an attorney right now. There is no need to exit your home right now. If I were in your wifes shoes and came home to find you gone it would be a sure sign that you are not dedicated to fixing the marriage.

[a4a]

That was GREAT advice!! I just booked a ticket - the earliest I can leave is 6 AM tomorrow. I's a long flight, but I'll be there at 1:30. I'll have all day Saturday with them and then we go back on Sunday.

 

It can't make things any worse than tho latch on they were and it may give her something to latch on to about my actions

 

 

well damn good step IMHO. ... dont give up no matter how much she may lash out at you. I don't know how else to put this but you are going to have to take a strong but submissive role with her.