I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

That's all great advice. Thank you, thank you all! I'll be posting tonight - but probably not tomorrow much.

 

This was a GREAT idea Silk - fantastic!

 

So maybe I face a firing squad - but I will have travelled 18 hours or more back and forth just to talk to her and be with them for a day..

 

Perfect.

 

May not be a bad idea but you may also be facing a firing squad...... how dedicated are you to this and how much can you take?

 

I don't think you should move out at all.

Not now....

 

Silk is right on the money.... you see a problem and you attack it immediatley.

 

you want results immediatley if not sooner! (that is my motto!)

 

But in this case you need to have a cool head and be in charge......slow and steady. There is no quick fix. Hell divorce isn't a quick fix. You got kids and property to deal with.

 

From your postings it seems as tho you are waivering on your decision to fix this. You need to only concentrate on getting your wife to MC with you right now. Nothing else. Well with exception of making sure your kids are not caught up in the middle of this.

 

There is no need to dial up an attorney right now. There is no need to exit your home right now. If I were in your wifes shoes and came home to find you gone it would be a sure sign that you are not dedicated to fixing the marriage.

[JamesM]

a4a, we have to stop agreeing too much. The Board may blow up.

 

H2T, man, you DO move fast! One hour after you are given the advice you have a plane ticket and booked a flight! Me...I would still be weighing the pros and cons...probably until tomorrow. Good luck on your trip. I know that I will be waiting to hear what happened.

 

Your support group will patiently wait.

[Hard2Think]

The tickets go fast. There are none today already. I see it as a no-lose situation. All she can do it throw a fit. But she'll always have that memory of me travelling all that distance to spend 1 day with them. It's romantic, it's unexpected, it's powerful. It was a great idea.

 

There is no downside. Waiting at home and moving out is so .. weak.

 

a4a, we have to stop agreeing too much. The Board may blow up.

 

H2T, man, you DO move fast! One hour after you are given the advice you have a plane ticket and booked a flight! Me...I would still be weighing the pros and cons...probably until tomorrow. Good luck on your trip. I know that I will be waiting to hear what happened.

 

Your support group will patiently wait.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think that's a great idea actually.

 

She'll think that she means alot to you by the gesture.

[Hard2Think]

It's an awesome idea. I'm so lame for not having thought of that myself. It was pure genius. Damn! I'm not even going to warn her .. I'm just going to show up.

 

I think that's a great idea actually.

 

She'll think that she means alot to you by the gesture.

[Hard2Think]

She just called me on the phone and for a variety of reasons I saw I needed to tell her I was coming ..

 

She flipped out and in a good way. She lept saying "You're crazy!" and "Don't make me come back to you .. don't do that .. don't convince me, etc."

 

She then regained her composure and said that she's only going to agree to see me because the kids miss me so much. But I know and I could tell from her voice that she is very glad I'm doing this.

 

Silk - this was a brilliant idea. Thank you soooo much. And a4a - I decided not to leave the house. And I told her so. She got a bit defensive about that .. but in reality I think she's happy about that too.

[whichwayisup]

She flipped out and in a good way. She lept saying "You're crazy!" and "Don't make me come back to you .. don't do that .. don't convince me, etc."

 

Meaning, yes! Come to me...Show me how much you love me...Yet, I am so pissed at you, yet we might have makeup sex...(OK, don't quote me on that last part, lol!)

 

Let her guide you on how this thing is going to go. Don't over do it and help yourself, but definately let her know that you love her, respect her and need (I repeat NEED) her in your life. Women need to feel needed.

[Hard2Think]

That's the plan. This thread has been supremely helpful - it's been an absolute blessing. You have no idea. But even if I had recieved none of the tremendous input from everyone here - the idea to go there is by itself worth the whole thread.

 

Yes she will feel needed - trust me on that.

 

Meaning, yes! Come to me...Show me how much you love me...Yet, I am so pissed at you, yet we might have makeup sex...(OK, don't quote me on that last part, lol!)

 

Let her guide you on how this thing is going to go. Don't over do it and help yourself, but definately let her know that you love her, respect her and need (I repeat NEED) her in your life. Women need to feel needed.

[Ladyjane14]

Meaning, yes! Come to me...Show me how much you love me...Yet, I am so pissed at you, yet we might have makeup sex...(OK, don't quote me on that last part, lol!)

 

Let her guide you on how this thing is going to go. Don't over do it and help yourself, but definately let her know that you love her, respect her and need (I repeat NEED) her in your life. Women need to feel needed.

 

 

You can't be pushy about it, but.... if you feel like you're getting the green light at any point while you're there, I highly recommend hysterical bonding.

[Hard2Think]

That would be great and all - but given what happened and the fact that she "saw" OW - I don't expect she's going to want to see me naked for awhile. I'm not pushing anything.

 

You can't be pushy about it, but.... if you feel like you're getting the green light at any point while you're there, I highly recommend hysterical bonding.

[BUTAFLY]

Boy I hate cliffhangers- till tomorrow i guess.

[Hard2Think]

Boy I hate cliffhangers- till tomorrow i guess.

 

Actually I won't be back until Sunday. I probably won't be able to post again until Monday ..

 

If you don't hear from me Monday - it's probably because she finally knifed me.

[kingbee930]

without recovering old ground too much, h2t in a nutshell, before you can honestly LOVE someone else you have to learn to love yourself. not in the conceited way that u have engineered these relationships with these two women, but in a natrual and real way. learn to be honest with yourself. in all of this that is the one thing that impressed me the most, your complete and utter lack of understanding of consequences. some things are simple, when you play with fire you are going to get burned....bringing a third party into any suppsed monogamous relationship is explosive, as u see. work from the inside out bruhman.

 

learn to be comfortable with yourself and appreciate you for who you are, and then your wife can remember who she fell in love with. if you are not comfortable with urself as u clearly were not, u begin to look for what u call affection but is really a form of adoration because u feel inadequate in some way. u are u. with that said, look in the mirror everyday and figure out whose eyes you would want to look into if u were not just ur wife but ANYBODY else, and go from there.

 

if u were real with urself from the jump you could have avoided alot of ur pitfalls. and i dont mean throw a pity party, like im the scum of the earth or whatever, but more like ok dude what r u really doing? what do u really expect? that may seem odd to u but i guarantee if ur real with urself, it wont be no problem to be straight up and down with others. u drew the whole affair divorce thing out too long because u couldnt admit ur wrongdoing anywhere. and bruhman i have thrre children and u are a fool and a half if u think ur kids cant havent or wont pick up on the kind of person u r and what u do and dont stand for. if u really love ur kids as much as u type, be a man and at least really honor them by being straight up and down and not non-pecan(no nuts).

 

u r right about ur wife wanting to see u and "enjoying" being angry. its not the romantic thing of coming to see her that she craves, but the idea that it doesnt matter what she says, ur coming to see her. thats what makes any womans heart flutter dude. with this opportunity try just enjoying what u get and begin to rewater ur garden. if shes anxious to see u, there is still time for healing. take advantage of it and make sure u dont forget to look at u before u cast doubt on ur wife. peace.

[Mz. Pixie]

Actually I won't be back until Sunday. I probably won't be able to post again until Monday ..

 

If you don't hear from me Monday - it's probably because she finally knifed me.

 

SUNDAY?? WTF??

 

And, that's the thanks we all get.

 

Just kidding H2T!

[JamesM]

H2T, I wish you the best. Unfortunately, I leave on vacation early Monday morning and won't be back unti next Saturday! So, no updates for a week. And no, there is no internet where I will be going.

[simona]

H2T, good luck. I hope things work out for you and your kids. Please do not expect anything right away, but I truly believe that you guys love each other. Stay calm and focussed and let her do the talking. It is important to listen. Make her feel loved and desired.

 

Remind her of the wedding night and the beautiful things that you guys did together and tell her that you want to give these back to her one more time. Blame yourself for being stupid and do not try to justify that you had an affair because of her not treating you right. That will make things worse. Tell her that you want to change and listen to what she expects from you. Tell her that she needs to help you to and cooperate.

 

I have read the entire posts and I totally understand what you are going through. It is a tough phase. However, being a woman, you wive needs love and compassion. I get irritated with my husband sometimes, but that does not mean I do not love him. I completely trust him.( That is why I get irritated ) My life is very hectic and under certain circumstances I get stressed out and behave irrationally , but that does not mean that I agree with what she did with father. Please do not bring this up right away, wait until she is calm , then you can ask you why she did not treat you right ?

 

 

Hope things work out for you.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I've been off the site for awhile and it took me all morning to read this thread. If I hadn't gotten to your post where you agreed to go to her, I would have let you know Silk was right on. I am a BS and my H also had an EA; however, he is the one who told me about it. It has been one year and while it hasn't always been great, and I've had my ups and downs, our marriage is better than it ever has been.

 

Going to be with your wife and family was the right answer. Staying home where all she could think about was what were YOU doing was the wrong answer. Yes, she is the one who didn't want you to go. She was angry and hurt and that is what she said. However, what she needed, was your actions to show her that you NEED her and WANT her ... and only her.

 

Looking forward to hearing how it went next week. But keep in mind, it still isn't going to be easy and at times it will be down-right hard to keep going. She is going to go between phases of anger, hate, self-pity, sorrow and love and happiness. If you really want the marriage to work, you will have to work WITH her while she is going through the stages of knowing you had an affair. In addition, you both have to work at understanding what went wrong to begin with and learn how to COMMUNICATE, so that it doesn't go wrong in the future.

[Hard2Think]

Well, going to meet them on vacation was the thing to do - it may have saved the whole marriage, or at least it made the process faster by far. The location is very romantic - and I think it would have been very damaging to her psyche to have com back home knowing that it was just her and the kids up there the whole time. Me coming up all of the sudden was a very powerful gesture.

 

In any case, I showed up at the hotel the kids and her had not arrived yet. She hadn't told the kids I was coming - so when they saw me they were jumping for joy. My daughter was crying. Apparently my son had asked if they could come back home early because he missed me. So that part was nice. My wife couldn't get the smile off of her face that I was there, but it was far from smooth sailing for me for the rest of that day ..

 

I had made a reservation at a very fancy, romantic local restaurant for that night for the both of us before arriving. The kids stayed in the hotel and we went out. We had a couple of drinks first at a very romantic spot and talked. The dinner had countless courses and lasted 4 hours, so we were able to talk.

 

After the wine flowed, she told me how much she loved me and how she realizes she had been a sh*t with me during the past few years. Then a few minutes later she'd switch gears and tell me she hates me and that she may just as well screw someone else, then she's go back again, and then get mad again.

 

She asked me tons of uncomfortable questions which I answered truthfully. The only thing I wasn't honest about was the quality of the sex. I told my wife that OW as not good in bed and that didn't like it anywhere near as much as with her. But OW was tremendous in bed - I just figured no good would come of saying that.

 

As we walked out of the resturant, she pounced on me and we were on the street kissing like a couple of teenagers. We then managed to make it back to the hotel and made love in the bathtub, the shower, the bed, and we held on to each other all night - which I havent' been able to do for years.

 

The next day was more ups and downs. Mostly she considers herself to be a "fool" if she lets me back in. In part I think it's because she confided in a couple of her close friends who encouraged her to leave. She feels foolish telling them she reconciled. I guess I can understand ..

 

That night we had another dinner alone and it was at another great place. She was 90% OK - and 10% hating me again. But I was honest with her about what the marriage was like for me - even if that doesn't justify what I did. I did tell her I love her and that all I ever wanted was to be with her - but that I could never have her. She realized this and vowed to be different from here on in. I did too. We were very passionate again that night.

 

The next day, I asked her to buy me a wedding band - since I had lost mine 12 years ago. I had also secretly brought her wedding ring with me and the next day, at the opportune time - I gave it back to her.

 

So we after much discussion we realized that we got ourselves way too caught up in the materialistic aspects of life and lost sight of each other. We got too busy worrying about bill, the house, taxes, schedules, cars, houses, repairs, etc. - and we made all those things more important that what really makes us happy.

 

We've been back in the U.S. for 6 years after having lived in Paris, France for 10. In France, we were renting and had very few material concerns. We spent all our time together, walking the streets and enjoying life. We had a great relationship then. I had other women occasionally coming on to me then as well - but I had no desire to do anything about it. We were just happy with life.

 

So the plan is .. we're going to sell everyting we own. House, cars, everything. We're going to pay down all our debts so that we have no financial pressures. We're then going to take all the money we'll have and buy a place outright - no mortgage. Either we'll stay here or we'll move back to France. But the point is we realize that with a scaled back lifestyle, and with our income - we can accumulate lots of cash in a relatively short time. As a result, we won't look so "rich" but we'll be more secure financially, and we'll be free to travel and have fun in life - something we haven't done in years.

 

When we got home last night at 1 AM - we made love until 4 AM.

 

I realize that we're in honeymoon stage right now - but I think we've both come to realize what we want and what were the root causes to our problems. And we're ready to work on them. Time will tell if this all lasts - but I'm optimistic.

 

So thank you all for your wonderful support, insight, and comments. And special thanks to Silk - for the great suggestion. You've all been fantastic in your comments. You all got me through this in one piece.

[a4a]

H2T glad it seems to be going good..... do you still plan to attend your MC appt?

(I hope you do)

[Hard2Think]

I'm a little on the fence .. I'm thinking I'd like to not cancel it - but instead maybe put it off for a couple of weeks when we've both sobered up a bit and come down from this "high" of reconciliation.

 

H2T glad it seems to be going good..... do you still plan to attend your MC appt?

(I hope you do)

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Glad to hear everything went so well. Your wife will continue to have ups and downs and it will be up to you to continue to support her through them.

 

My H and I are still in the "honeymoon" stage as you've put it a year later; however, I don't necessarily believe that is what it should be called. Our relationship is now no longer what it became. As yours, we both got so involved in our busy lives we forgot about what was important, US. Add children to the mix and he felt I didn't have any time for him and vice versa. We lacked the ability to communicate with each other and just gave up. I figured things were good and nothing was going to break us up. He went through severe depression (while not communicating to me the extent of it) and began an emotional affair that lasted only about a month. At the point he felt he wanted to take it to the next level is when he told me about it. The next two months after that was absolute *ell.

 

However, going through all that is what allowed us to realize that we needed to learn how to communicate and not take each other for granted. It also educated us on what really is important in life, US and OUR family. At first, (during the first two months) my H got mad because he wonders why it took a "train wreck" to bring about 'my' changes. Sometimes I got mad because he was the one that went outside of our marriage, not me. Again though, that was a stage we had to learn to work through, together, to get to where we are today.

 

We wouldn't be where we are today just because someone TOLD us we had to act, or behave this way, or that way to make the marriage happy. The only reason why we are where we are today is because we had to learn through experience what was important and the consequences of letting go of that which was important. Because of our knowledge PLUS experience, I can honestly say we will never leave this "honeymoon" stage again.

 

As I said above though, she will go through stages of hating you and loving you. Keep in mind when she says that what she is really saying is that she hates your actions and the pain, she doesn't hate you.

 

I told my wife that OW as not good in bed and that didn't like it anywhere near as much as with her. But OW was tremendous in bed - I just figured no good would come of saying that.

 

I'm guessing here, but guess that when you told your wife this you were basing it on the past couple years of your sex life where you both were unhappy and you weren't remembering the newness, or the enjoyment you received when you two got together and got married.

 

I'm sure that the past few nights with your wife have brought about the knowledge that sex with her is actually better ... not only is she obviously involved again, but the love is there ... something that would have been lacking with the other woman (based upon your posts that you knew she wasn't a person you would have wanted to be with long-term). So if this is true ... then if your wife were to ask you the same question today ... your answer would be the same, but it would be true to you as well?

[Hard2Think]

Striving,

 

Great post -! Thanks! That is very similar to what we're going through .. I sensed that you chose not to got through MC. Is that right?

 

Today was a very up and positive time for us both until tonight. She and I retired early to the bedroom with a bottle of wine. I had a glass and she had several. Being tipsy, she then threatened to sleep with someone else someday. She had mentioned that a couple of nights ago also when we had a few too many.

 

I know she's angry with me and that made me realize we probably have a long way to go yet before this is all behind us.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad things are going well.

 

And yeah, expect her to be all nice and want you one minute and then the next minute, wanna throw a knife at your head.

 

If she threatens to sleep with someone else, UNDERSTAND her anger, resentment and sorrow - (she's only saying that to piss you off, she isn't really going to do it) Let her know how bad you feel and that you're going to do all that it takes to make her love and trust you again.

 

Question. Did you tell her about the OW dropping by the house? And that you called the police on her? Restraining order etc?

[Hard2Think]

Yes I did tell her about all that. I even offered to let her listen tp the message she left on my voicemail - but she didn't take me up on it. Her only concern ws that ex-OW may show up and hurt the kids - but I assured her that there is just no way. If fact I'm sure I'll never hear from her again and I told my wife that.

 

Thanks for the encouraging words ..

 

I'm glad things are going well.

 

And yeah, expect her to be all nice and want you one minute and then the next minute, wanna throw a knife at your head.

 

If she threatens to sleep with someone else, UNDERSTAND her anger, resentment and sorrow - (she's only saying that to piss you off, she isn't really going to do it) Let her know how bad you feel and that you're going to do all that it takes to make her love and trust you again.

 

Question. Did you tell her about the OW dropping by the house? And that you called the police on her? Restraining order etc?

[whichwayisup]

Yes I did tell her about all that. I even offered to let her listen tp the message she left on my voicemail - but she didn't take me up on it. Her only concern ws that ex-OW may show up and hurt the kids - but I assured her that there is just no way. If fact I'm sure I'll never hear from her again and I told my wife that.

 

Thanks for the encouraging words ..

 

You're welcome.

 

That's good that she knows. I'm sure if the OW comes anywhere near you, her or your children the police will be called instantly.

 

*Freaky sidenote...The other night Fatal Attraction was on TV...* Just makes ya think, doesn't it. That should be enough as well NOT to ever let cheating happen again. OFcourse, that and all that you've gone through now.

 

Couldn't see you risking it all again, just to be with someone else...You learned your lesson and are very lucky and blessed to be given a chance to make it all right again.