I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[whichwayisup]

It's not over and I think you need to stop focussing on every little reaction or non-reaction from her and you.

 

This takes alot of time and effort. Right now you're feeling discouraged and down because its been a string of bad days, but last week things were looking up, right? They all say it's a rollercoaster ride, so you're going to have to just ride this one out ... No pressure, no pushing...

 

Give her space. Go and do something with the kids and let her have the day to herself.

 

I'm sure this is hard for you, but you sitting here wondering if it's over or not isn't a good frame of mind for you to be in.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks. Well this is just one of the worst days. I suspect she's made some sort of decision about leaving me. At this stage, I'm here thinking about the logistics of that ..

 

I just don't know after how much time I can attribute these things to the rollercoaster ride as opposed to the impossibility of working it out. She has not made any commitment to want to keep this together yet. So Is it a month? Three months? Six months? At what point do I know there's noting I can do?

 

 

It's not over and I think you need to stop focussing on every little reaction or non-reaction from her and you.

 

This takes alot of time and effort. Right now you're feeling discouraged and down because its been a string of bad days, but last week things were looking up, right? They all say it's a rollercoaster ride, so you're going to have to just ride this one out ... No pressure, no pushing...

 

Give her space. Go and do something with the kids and let her have the day to herself.

 

I'm sure this is hard for you, but you sitting here wondering if it's over or not isn't a good frame of mind for you to be in.

[whichwayisup]

Are you still reading DazednConfused's thread??? Continue on with that.... Maybe something in there will shed some new light for you.

 

Don't assume anything with your wife right now. You really don't know what she's feeling, I bet she doesn't either. She's all over the map and not sure either.

 

Sympathize and empathize with her feelings, and just let her know that you love her and will stick around for as long as it takes. Maybe she just needs some reaffirming...

 

Don't know how long it will take, but let's say if things are not progressing at all by the end of the September, then you two need to sit down and really talk.

[Hard2Think]

I told her that - I always do. But she shook her head and looked at me with disgust for the first time ever when I told her I loved her yesterday. It's getting harder for me to take these beatings.

 

Are you still reading DazednConfused's thread??? Continue on with that.... Maybe something in there will shed some new light for you.

 

Don't assume anything with your wife right now. You really don't know what she's feeling, I bet she doesn't either. She's all over the map and not sure either.

 

Sympathize and empathize with her feelings, and just let her know that you love her and will stick around for as long as it takes. Maybe she just needs some reaffirming...

 

Don't know how long it will take, but let's say if things are not progressing at all by the end of the September, then you two need to sit down and really talk.

[whichwayisup]

I told her that - I always do. But she shook her head and looked at me with disgust for the first time ever when I told her I loved her yesterday. It's getting harder for me to take these beatings.

I don't know what else to tell ya...Except do the back off thing and let her have space. Do what you need to do in the house and with the kids.

 

I'm sure it hurts, she's hurting too and lashing out at you because of how she's feeling...Kinda one big vicious circle.

 

Keep seeing the MC on your own and hopefully she'll come along soon.

[Hard2Think]

I know, I know - thanks for your help ..!

 

I don't know what else to tell ya...Except do the back off thing and let her have space. Do what you need to do in the house and with the kids.

 

I'm sure it hurts, she's hurting too and lashing out at you because of how she's feeling...Kinda one big vicious circle.

 

Keep seeing the MC on your own and hopefully she'll come along soon.

[lover's rock]

She's not going to believe you when you say things like "I love you" and "I care about you". Your relationship is going to start all over. So for now, I'd suggest to try not to make things awkward or stressful. Expressing love or trying to get things to be the way they've always been will be stressful.

 

Were you two friends before this whole thing started? Then try to focus on the friendship. Try to approach her like a friend instead of a husband. Start with small steps. Try to remind her of why you two got together in the first place (hope it was a positive experience). Maybe do some of the things that you two enjoy together. Go see a movie. Get out and go to an arcade like Dave and Buster's maybe. I wouldn't suggest going out to eat because that would require you to talk and right now you don't have much nice things to say to each other right now. But allow that loving feeling to bloom between you two through friendship.

 

Do things that matter to her. Try to remember her favorites and the things she likes to have and do those things. Show her you love her...don't tell her. Then try to have fun together. Space it out. Start slow like maybe once a week you'll go out or once every other week. Maybe you can start by the whole family going somewhere and then gradually get to the two of you.

 

But start slow. Mushy talk and romantic gestures are just going to make her angry right now because she's going to wonder if you even mean it. So start small and be her FRIEND most of all. That way whether you part or you don't, you'll at least have a working foundation either way.

 

No expectations. No worries. Take it a day at a time. You'll be alright.

[Hard2Think]

Well, thank you all for your comments. But she just told me about a half hour ago that she wants me out of the house for a few weeks. So I'm packing my stuff. We told the kids and they didn't seem to give a sh*t.

 

It's over folks. I f*cked up big time and here I pay the price. I fear there's not a whole lot I can do anymore. I can't say I don't deserve it.

 

This here is the most stressful time I can remember ..

[whichwayisup]

Take this time alone to feel better inside in your heart and head. Let her deal with things her own way...So if you moving out for afew weeks is going to help, that's a positive thing.

 

Maybe her seeing you daily and not getting the space she needs is too much. I'm sure she'll miss you and having that time apart will make things better.

 

Try to keep positive.

 

As for the kids, (i'm sorry, I forget how old they are) the less stress and negative energy they have, the better they'll be...

 

You f*ked up, but you owned up to it...Eventuallly she has to decide to forgive you and work on the marriage or throw in the towel... Though I think some time away from eachother will make her think MORE positive thoughts rather than negatives ones. She must deal with her anger, and right now it seems that is pouring out all the time....

[Hard2Think]

I'm feeling pretty much ok right now. Franky the stress of figuring out what mood she was in every five minutes was more stressful than I thought.

 

I'm glad the kids seem to be taking it in stride so far. Both my wife and I have been very close to them - so they probably feel secure anyway. I'm staying at my deceased father's apartment which is only 10 minutes from the house.

 

I hate to say it - but I'm actually enjoying not being around her right now. For all I know - I may decide this works better for me.

 

Take this time alone to feel better inside in your heart and head. Let her deal with things her own way...So if you moving out for afew weeks is going to help, that's a positive thing.

 

Maybe her seeing you daily and not getting the space she needs is too much. I'm sure she'll miss you and having that time apart will make things better.

 

Try to keep positive.

 

As for the kids, (i'm sorry, I forget how old they are) the less stress and negative energy they have, the better they'll be...

 

You f*ked up, but you owned up to it...Eventuallly she has to decide to forgive you and work on the marriage or throw in the towel... Though I think some time away from eachother will make her think MORE positive thoughts rather than negatives ones. She must deal with her anger, and right now it seems that is pouring out all the time....

[MotoMan]

H2T, I feel for you. This morning my w told me about the ls website and suggested I check it out. Thanks to all who've posted, I've spent the day going thru all 564 posts on this thread... incredible amount of good info. H2T, it's possible that a separation might cause your w to reevaluate things when you're not around on a daily basis to receive her venting, only you can tell, give it some time.

 

My w just told me to move out a couple hours ago when she went to bed, and when I went in to console her as she was crying, she told me to go away. What to do? Stay in MC, we did for about 4 months, and it was good...for me. I read the books the C recommended, did the homework, all of it, and learned a lot. My w didn't read anything, felt the MC was a waste of time because "I wasn't committed to the marriage enough", and because I had the audacity to suggest that she had a part in the breakdown of the marriage.

 

One thing that helped me was to look at the relationship my w had with her parents/family. Does your w get some of her relationship habits from her parents? It turned out my conflict avoidance was learned from my father. My w got her argumentative streak from her own mother. together along with a lot of other learned behaviors it became a recipe for disaster.

 

another suggestion, stay in IC. It has helped me tremendously. Regardless of where your marriage goes, you messed up with the A, lost your sense of your core (meaning you gave in when there were times you know you should've stood your ground), lost some self respect, etc. (Please know I'm not self righteous here, I've done all that and more), but IC will help you get past all that and be at the top of your marriage game whether you can make this one work, or get to a healthy place where you can be a good partner for someone else in the future.

 

Another piece of advice I got which was helpful: take care of yourself (as some others have suggested). Take up an activity (martial arts is good for venting out anger/frustrations, or Tai Chi). Anything that feeds your soul (that's legal of course). It will help with your anger management, and help you to be in better shape physically and mentally. Taking care of yourself will benefit your kids too of course.

 

Thanks to all who've posted, especially H2T! It may/may not save my marriage, but is helping me gain understanding on my w, marriage, myself, and how I got myself into this mess. Best of luck H2T, it's a hard road no matter which way you go.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks, Motoman..! Are you saying that after 4 months of NC - she's now asking you to move out? Why did she think you were not committed to the marriage enough?

 

Your past is like mine. My Dad was a big conflict avoider and maybe so am I. My wife's mother was an unbelievably abusive person. To say she was argumentative is an understatement. I know that my wife got many habits from her that way.

 

H2T, I feel for you. This morning my w told me about the ls website and suggested I check it out. Thanks to all who've posted, I've spent the day going thru all 564 posts on this thread... incredible amount of good info. H2T, it's possible that a separation might cause your w to reevaluate things when you're not around on a daily basis to receive her venting, only you can tell, give it some time.

 

My w just told me to move out a couple hours ago when she went to bed, and when I went in to console her as she was crying, she told me to go away. What to do? Stay in MC, we did for about 4 months, and it was good...for me. I read the books the C recommended, did the homework, all of it, and learned a lot. My w didn't read anything, felt the MC was a waste of time because "I wasn't committed to the marriage enough", and because I had the audacity to suggest that she had a part in the breakdown of the marriage.

 

One thing that helped me was to look at the relationship my w had with her parents/family. Does your w get some of her relationship habits from her parents? It turned out my conflict avoidance was learned from my father. My w got her argumentative streak from her own mother. together along with a lot of other learned behaviors it became a recipe for disaster.

 

another suggestion, stay in IC. It has helped me tremendously. Regardless of where your marriage goes, you messed up with the A, lost your sense of your core (meaning you gave in when there were times you know you should've stood your ground), lost some self respect, etc. (Please know I'm not self righteous here, I've done all that and more), but IC will help you get past all that and be at the top of your marriage game whether you can make this one work, or get to a healthy place where you can be a good partner for someone else in the future.

 

Another piece of advice I got which was helpful: take care of yourself (as some others have suggested). Take up an activity (martial arts is good for venting out anger/frustrations, or Tai Chi). Anything that feeds your soul (that's legal of course). It will help with your anger management, and help you to be in better shape physically and mentally. Taking care of yourself will benefit your kids too of course.

 

Thanks to all who've posted, especially H2T! It may/may not save my marriage, but is helping me gain understanding on my w, marriage, myself, and how I got myself into this mess. Best of luck H2T, it's a hard road no matter which way you go.

[MotoMan]

H2T,

Yes, she asked me to move out (for the second time), but I should explain.

 

I told her about my A in Feb. I immediately moved out for 2 months, but still had contact with OW. My w and I talked about divorce, talked about a lot of things, actually dated a bit, had some great sex in the meantime, but she was suspicious that I still had contact with OW. One of our issues throughout our relationship was that I felt she was trying to control me ( complicated by the fact that I didn't like to argue and gave in most of the time, and that she is a direct, some would say blunt/tactless comunicator, which she gets from her family).

 

I wrote the OW a NC email and that worked for a while. Then she started calling me after a month or so. You see, my w got into my email account and outed me to my family, friends, and colleagues. She also emailed the OW's employer to try to get her fired, and that's when I started getting the OW's calls complaining and furious over what my w had done.

 

I was furious, heartbroken, and very humiliated, which was probably what my w wanted. One of the hardest things for me was to look at my Mom in the eye and have to tell her that it was true, I did have an A. She died earlier this month (the funeral was 2 days ago), and I know it disappointed her greatly to know her son could do such a thing.

 

My w was furious that I had any contact with the OW and called her several times to tell her that I loved my w, and told her details of our activities. She did this, partly to see if it would make the OW go away, partly to see if OW would call me again. (I gave my w the passwords to my email and online cell phone accounts partly because she demanded it, partly because the MC thought it was a good idea, but it grinded on me to watch her go through the phone bill, quizzing me on who was this number and that. Likewise for the emails.)

 

One of the things I did which you might be doing too, is that I took what my w said at face value. I took her berating on a daily basis so personally. It's amazing how we can go out and do battle in the business world with no problem, but we come home and your spouse with a few well (or ill) chosen words can slice you like a Samurai, it cuts so deep. So when my w said she thought about re-exposing me, I changed my passwords and drew a line in the sand and said "No more".

 

You might also be experiencing your w changing her mind a lot (as you have yourself reading from the beginning of this thread to now).

 

When my w told me she was going to out me to my company to make me lose my job, as well as spraypaint my car with the words " I cheated on my wife", I took it at face value and decided that no matter what emotional and financial meltdown I was facing, I was now willing to pay that price to get the d done and have some peace. I found out she also planted a tape recorder in my car to see if I was in contact with the OW, and in the process was recording all my cell phone conversations.

 

I told her that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to have all her threats hanging over my head and feel controlled in our marriage.

 

She then burst into tears, realizing I'm serious, realizing we're going to lose the house and all the stuff, and that she'll have to go back to apartment living, possibly without her dog. Then she wants to work on the marriage again.

 

Anyway, I apologize to all for the long post, I'm rambling, but I hope H2T that there may be some things in here that help you.

 

One more thing, I woke this morning thinking about your situation with your kids. You said that when you told them about you moving out that they didn't seem to give a crap.

 

They're protecting themselves. Their world is becoming more uncertain, and they can feel the tension between you and your w perhaps more than us adults, because they don't have as much baggage as we do (it's carry-on vs. checked baggage!). They care more than you will ever know. A quote came to mind (I know you know this one but it bears repeating):

 

" The most important thing a man can do for his kids is to love their mother"

 

This doesn't make your decisions any easier, but it may explain your kids numb response.

 

Thanks for starting this thread, H2T. It's the first message board I've ever been to, and the first thread I've read on this site. Telling your story, and reading everyone's responses has helped me more than you know. Everything happens for a reason.

[Hard2Think]

She just called me. She's all freaked out by the oncoming hurricane and asked me (not so nicely) when I was planning on getting over there to put up shutters and gas up the generator.

 

I stayed polite and told her I'd take care of everything - she need not worry about a thing. But damn that was none too easy.

[MotoMan]

I know it was difficult, but take comfort in knowing you did the right thing. You "manned up", took a stand, and let her know you'll handle it. Protecting your family is one of the most important things you'll do. Even if she treats you like s**t, she can't help but respect you for protecting the homestead. Well done!

[TheWife]

H2T,

I directed my WS to this site. He refused to read www.marriagebuilders.com. Contrary to what he wrote to you, I've read the books my IC recommended. He read them too. Last night, I told him to move out and that I want a D.

 

He had a 2+ yr A with a previous co-worker. Kicked him out on D-day 2/1/06. He move back home 2 months later to rebuild M. Been going to MC since then for 4+ months. WS emailed a NC letter to OW w/CC to me. He's been lying since. Caught him lying and still cheating. And in his reply to you, he is still lying.

 

I told him last night that I wish he were you. I wish he put in the same effort as you in wanting his M and his W back. He kept feeding me the same line just to justify his ongoing A. He's gone as far as swearing on his mother's life while she was still alive few weeks ago that his A was over. It was NEVER over. His mother passed away early this month. I told him that may God bless his sould for having used his mother's life in order to protect his A.

 

Yes, I am the wife who cried last night and turned him away. Like your W, who have and will continue to experience the intense emotional roller coaster of being lied to, cheated on and continued to be betrayed, the images of your our H with your OW, hurts to the core that we are not prepared on reaction other than our natural defense mechanism to not be touched by you.

 

Interestingly though, when I asked my WH (motoman) what he would do if I were the one who cheated on him. His reply? He would D me.

[Hard2Think]

Wow - that must be rough for you. If the A had not continued on like he claimed initially .. do you think the marriage could have been saved?

 

My wife seems to have no interest in wanting the marriage to work. So I guess I'm flying solo on this so far. I did direct her to a marriagebuilders site and she got extremely angry at me for that.

 

Her attitude now is "What .. I'm supposed to forgive you and go on with you? I can never forget what happened!"

 

Hence the separation ..

 

Motoman - what's your take on your wife's posting? I really hope you both find a way to work this out ..!

 

H2T,

I directed my WS to this site. He refused to read www.marriagebuilders.com. Contrary to what he wrote to you, I've read the books my IC recommended. He read them too. Last night, I told him to move out and that I want a D.

 

He had a 2+ yr A with a previous co-worker. Kicked him out on D-day 2/1/06. He move back home 2 months later to rebuild M. Been going to MC since then for 4+ months. WS emailed a NC letter to OW w/CC to me. He's been lying since. Caught him lying and still cheating. And in his reply to you, he is still lying.

 

I told him last night that I wish he were you. I wish he put in the same effort as you in wanting his M and his W back. He kept feeding me the same line just to justify his ongoing A. He's gone as far as swearing on his mother's life while she was still alive few weeks ago that his A was over. It was NEVER over. His mother passed away early this month. I told him that may God bless his sould for having used his mother's life in order to protect his A.

 

Yes, I am the wife who cried last night and turned him away. Like your W, who have and will continue to experience the intense emotional roller coaster of being lied to, cheated on and continued to be betrayed, the images of your our H with your OW, hurts to the core that we are not prepared on reaction other than our natural defense mechanism to not be touched by you.

 

Interestingly though, when I asked my WH (motoman) what he would do if I were the one who cheated on him. His reply? He would D me.

[MotoMan]

I answered your earlier question with an explanation early this morning(before I just joined), that I hope the administrator will post.

 

Let it be known to all that I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with my w. I have gotten a lot out of reading and contributing to this thread and will continue to read it.

 

But if my w gets into the habit of reading and responding/critiqing my posts, then I will stop posting. Obviously there are two sides to every story. Feel free to PM me if needed.

[Mz. Pixie]

The main questions MM- are

 

1. Did you have an affair and

 

2. Did you lie to her and cover it up??

 

Just as I told H2T- early in MC while still trying to recover from an affair- is not the right time to tell you BS exactly what they did that caused the issues on your side that led to the affair.

 

Right now is your time to try to make ammends with your wife and go through whatever she feels necessary to mend the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure who was here first Moto or his wife, but it's a shame that neither of you now can post and share your feelings and thoughts if it is going to get into a pissin'match. This place has helped many people.

 

Anyway, both of you should start your own thread, (if you want) and share your situations..

[TheWife]

Wow - that must be rough for you. If the A had not continued on like he claimed initially .. do you think the marriage could have been saved?

 

My wife seems to have no interest in wanting the marriage to work. So I guess I'm flying solo on this so far. I did direct her to a marriagebuilders site and she got extremely angry at me for that.

 

Like you, I've had better days. And like you, I feel I've been flying solo.

 

If the A had not continued on like what my H claimed initially, we might've had a shot in repairing the M. But, you can't repair any M when there are 3 people in it.

 

As long as your W knows you're doing everything to win her heart back, she will forgive you. Allow her to process. There will be times when she will cry for no reason at all. But the reasons are clear. They are embedded in her. Being betrayed by our H who profess to love us and protect us can never be described in one word. I once told my H, that I would rather be shot and killed than to be betrayed as he had and live through images of him making love to another woman.

 

I forgave my WH on Valentine's Day as my gift. It was also a way for me to start the healing process and to let my WH know that I was committed to the M.

 

When you see your W sob, just hold her. She will have lots of them. If she pushes you away, don't let her. Just hold her and remind her how sorry you are even if you've already said a millionth time. If she vents out, let her and don't take it personally. She needs to release that anger caused by your betrayal. You need to be an open book. I wish my H were. She needs to get to the point where she stops asking you questions. Resisting to answer will only cause her think that the A is still going on. Remember, it was you who made the conscious choice to get your emotional needs met outside your M. All the while, despite the problems in your M prior to the A, she believed you were faithful to her and only to her.

 

CHildren is powerful enough reason for wanting the M work.

 

Good luck.

[a4a]

Like you, I've had better days. And like you, I feel I've been flying solo.

 

If the A had not continued on like what my H claimed initially, we might've had a shot in repairing the M. But, you can't repair any M when there are 3 people in it.

 

As long as your W knows you're doing everything to win her heart back, she will forgive you. Allow her to process. There will be times when she will cry for no reason at all. But the reasons are clear. They are embedded in her. Being betrayed by our H who profess to love us and protect us can never be described in one word. I once told my H, that I would rather be shot and killed than to be betrayed as he had and live through images of him making love to another woman.

 

I forgave my WH on Valentine's Day as my gift. It was also a way for me to start the healing process and to let my WH know that I was committed to the M.

 

When you see your W sob, just hold her. She will have lots of them. If she pushes you away, don't let her. Just hold her and remind her how sorry you are even if you've already said a millionth time. If she vents out, let her and don't take it personally. She needs to release that anger caused by your betrayal. You need to be an open book. I wish my H were. She needs to get to the point where she stops asking you questions. Resisting to answer will only cause her think that the A is still going on. Remember, it was you who made the conscious choice to get your emotional needs met outside your M. All the while, despite the problems in your M prior to the A, she believed you were faithful to her and only to her.

 

CHildren is powerful enough reason for wanting the M work.

 

Good luck.

 

 

H2T are you really listening to this.... you need to.

[TheWife]

I've decided this will be the last reply I will post on H2T. I'll switch on over to the others.

[Ladyjane14]

Just as I told H2T- early in MC while still trying to recover from an affair- is not the right time to tell you BS exactly what they did that caused the issues on your side that led to the affair.

 

Right now is your time to try to make ammends with your wife and go through whatever she feels necessary to mend the marriage.

 

MzP is right. This is kind of like unraveling a huge knot in a big ball of twine. You work BACKWARDS, tackling the last entanglement first. Eventually, you get to the initial problems.

 

I know you've been trying to be patient, H2T. But there's patience... then there's PATIENCE.

You know, there are BS's who actually go through with divorce and aren't open to the idea of reconcilliation until the ink is dry.

 

What's 'down' today might be 'up' tomorrow though.

 

So, why not live your life, and maybe leave a little room for the possibility of reconciliation in it? Do your day-to-day thing, just don't move on yet. There's time for "moving on" later on down the pike if it becomes necessary. Just breathe.

Go to work. Enjoy your hobbies. Learn a little more about what makes YOU tick.

 

No matter what happens with your marriage, have a little faith in the idea that you'll land on your feet. Afterall, what can it hurt to have some optimism? Are you going to fall farther than you've already fallen? Your feelings have ALREADY been hurt. Your wife's feelings have ALREADY been hurt. For today anyway.... the marriage is OVER. There's nowhere to go but 'UP' when you look at it that way.

[MotoMan]

H2T, my earlier post came in, it's # 567, in case you missed it.

Have a good night all!