I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

Thank you all for your posts ..! Very insightful stuff indeed.

 

You all did tell me what a rollercoaster ride this was going to be - but I had no idea to what extent that was going to be the case.

 

I came over to the house as she asked so I could do some hurricane prep work and she almost imediately took em to the bedroom and "assaulted" me (in a good way ). She told me that she missed me too much while I was gone and asked me to stay until the storm is over. She also admitted that all of this has made her realize to what extent she had been a very crappy wife the past few years. She was starting to open up about all of that and then the phone rang - so she lost her train of thought ..

 

Then that night she got angry with me again. I guess she seems to think that she's going to be angry laike this forever. I tried to tell her that I know she'll be angry with me for a long time yet and that I wasn't going away unless she specifically asks me to.

 

Things were a little better this morning. I seem to think that while I'm here, she feels anger towards me - but when I'm gone she doesn't anymore and wants me back home. So I recognize that I'm in for a rough ride for some time to come.

[Hard2Think]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through - sounds like Hell. I shudder to think my wife is goign through this as well.

 

Thank you for the great insight - it's gave me alot of hope that things will work out at a time wen I was having doubts. I sure hope you reconsider you intent not to come back here anymore - I'd love to hear what you have to say more often ..

 

 

Like you, I've had better days. And like you, I feel I've been flying solo.

 

If the A had not continued on like what my H claimed initially, we might've had a shot in repairing the M. But, you can't repair any M when there are 3 people in it.

 

As long as your W knows you're doing everything to win her heart back, she will forgive you. Allow her to process. There will be times when she will cry for no reason at all. But the reasons are clear. They are embedded in her. Being betrayed by our H who profess to love us and protect us can never be described in one word. I once told my H, that I would rather be shot and killed than to be betrayed as he had and live through images of him making love to another woman.

 

I forgave my WH on Valentine's Day as my gift. It was also a way for me to start the healing process and to let my WH know that I was committed to the M.

 

When you see your W sob, just hold her. She will have lots of them. If she pushes you away, don't let her. Just hold her and remind her how sorry you are even if you've already said a millionth time. If she vents out, let her and don't take it personally. She needs to release that anger caused by your betrayal. You need to be an open book. I wish my H were. She needs to get to the point where she stops asking you questions. Resisting to answer will only cause her think that the A is still going on. Remember, it was you who made the conscious choice to get your emotional needs met outside your M. All the while, despite the problems in your M prior to the A, she believed you were faithful to her and only to her.

 

CHildren is powerful enough reason for wanting the M work.

 

Good luck.

[Hard2Think]

My God!! And I thought my D-Day was stressful.

 

I guess there's 2 sides to every story. There is alot that helped me in what you said. But tell me .. do you really want to repair the marriage with your wife, or are you still in the confusion stage?

 

For some reason, I don't care to see the OW again. I don't even want to. I don't know what it must be like if you're still attached to her. Is that the issue that your struggling with?

 

H2T,

Yes, she asked me to move out (for the second time), but I should explain.

 

I told her about my A in Feb. I immediately moved out for 2 months, but still had contact with OW. My w and I talked about divorce, talked about a lot of things, actually dated a bit, had some great sex in the meantime, but she was suspicious that I still had contact with OW. One of our issues throughout our relationship was that I felt she was trying to control me ( complicated by the fact that I didn't like to argue and gave in most of the time, and that she is a direct, some would say blunt/tactless comunicator, which she gets from her family).

 

I wrote the OW a NC email and that worked for a while. Then she started calling me after a month or so. You see, my w got into my email account and outed me to my family, friends, and colleagues. She also emailed the OW's employer to try to get her fired, and that's when I started getting the OW's calls complaining and furious over what my w had done.

 

I was furious, heartbroken, and very humiliated, which was probably what my w wanted. One of the hardest things for me was to look at my Mom in the eye and have to tell her that it was true, I did have an A. She died earlier this month (the funeral was 2 days ago), and I know it disappointed her greatly to know her son could do such a thing.

 

My w was furious that I had any contact with the OW and called her several times to tell her that I loved my w, and told her details of our activities. She did this, partly to see if it would make the OW go away, partly to see if OW would call me again. (I gave my w the passwords to my email and online cell phone accounts partly because she demanded it, partly because the MC thought it was a good idea, but it grinded on me to watch her go through the phone bill, quizzing me on who was this number and that. Likewise for the emails.)

 

One of the things I did which you might be doing too, is that I took what my w said at face value. I took her berating on a daily basis so personally. It's amazing how we can go out and do battle in the business world with no problem, but we come home and your spouse with a few well (or ill) chosen words can slice you like a Samurai, it cuts so deep. So when my w said she thought about re-exposing me, I changed my passwords and drew a line in the sand and said "No more".

 

You might also be experiencing your w changing her mind a lot (as you have yourself reading from the beginning of this thread to now).

 

When my w told me she was going to out me to my company to make me lose my job, as well as spraypaint my car with the words " I cheated on my wife", I took it at face value and decided that no matter what emotional and financial meltdown I was facing, I was now willing to pay that price to get the d done and have some peace. I found out she also planted a tape recorder in my car to see if I was in contact with the OW, and in the process was recording all my cell phone conversations.

 

I told her that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to have all her threats hanging over my head and feel controlled in our marriage.

 

She then burst into tears, realizing I'm serious, realizing we're going to lose the house and all the stuff, and that she'll have to go back to apartment living, possibly without her dog. Then she wants to work on the marriage again.

 

Anyway, I apologize to all for the long post, I'm rambling, but I hope H2T that there may be some things in here that help you.

 

One more thing, I woke this morning thinking about your situation with your kids. You said that when you told them about you moving out that they didn't seem to give a crap.

 

They're protecting themselves. Their world is becoming more uncertain, and they can feel the tension between you and your w perhaps more than us adults, because they don't have as much baggage as we do (it's carry-on vs. checked baggage!). They care more than you will ever know. A quote came to mind (I know you know this one but it bears repeating):

 

" The most important thing a man can do for his kids is to love their mother"

 

This doesn't make your decisions any easier, but it may explain your kids numb response.

 

Thanks for starting this thread, H2T. It's the first message board I've ever been to, and the first thread I've read on this site. Telling your story, and reading everyone's responses has helped me more than you know. Everything happens for a reason.

[a4a]

Damn H2T you got a real hurricane to ride out and an emotional hurricane.....

 

Her anger will eventually pass.... but you need to tell your Mr. Quick Fixer shut up and sit in the corner.

 

Hang on tight during her bouts of anger. In a way you are proving to her that you do care when you do this. Once this passes and it lessens then you can really dig in and start to rebuild the marriage.... but no sense trying to repaint the outside of your house while the storm is still pounding at the windows is there...... you have to wait it out for the right moment.

 

The emotional storm is going as mostly predicted here on LS isn't it?

[BUTAFLY]

So I tune back in to this never ending saga...and new characters are introduced, Motoman and THEWIFE...nice

[Hard2Think]

Yes, it sure went as you guys all said. No doubt about it. I'm not looking for any quick fix, but I admit my head spun when she asked me to leave the house and she was so angry.

 

I've been able to listen to her angry outburst with none of my own back mostly thanks to the advice you guys gave. Thanks to you guys, I've been able to take her beatings knowing that this is the way it meust be for awhile.

 

Also - the advice to go meet her on vacation was great. I know for a fact my wife's recovery would be twice as hard if I had stayed behind the whole time. The act of going up there and spending time with her was a big deal. A very big deal.

 

And another big thing is simply reading your posts wheneven I'm starting to get discouraged. It's helped me moove forward whenever I thought things were doomed.

 

Damn H2T you got a real hurricane to ride out and an emotional hurricane.....

 

Her anger will eventually pass.... but you need to tell your Mr. Quick Fixer shut up and sit in the corner.

 

Hang on tight during her bouts of anger. In a way you are proving to her that you do care when you do this. Once this passes and it lessens then you can really dig in and start to rebuild the marriage.... but no sense trying to repaint the outside of your house while the storm is still pounding at the windows is there...... you have to wait it out for the right moment.

 

The emotional storm is going as mostly predicted here on LS isn't it?

[TheWife]

OK, curiosity got the best of me. There's a lot of stuff that my H left out (tho not surprised) but this thread is for H2T. I will start another thread and if anything else, this new soap opera saga may offer some insight on those who find themselves in the same predicatment. I was also interested on how you, H2T are coping w/trying to win your W back.

 

Don't give up. I will tell you my story on what we BS go through. This is normal.

 

On D-day, 2/1/06, I did the same thing your W did. I kicked my H out but not without calling his married buddy from college and told him about his A and that H will be spending the night with them. Your W in her own is trying desperately to rationalize the HOW and WHY which she can never answer and will never answer. Your A affected her perception as a woman, her sense of self-worth and self image. She may even start blaming herself. In time, she will understand that your A wasn't her fault. Send her the link on Surviving an Affair from www.marriagebuilders.com. Found this website a week after D-day and it was my "support group".

 

Is she hasn't already, she will look for things in your house for answers, clues anything to help her cope and find the answers. Let her. This is her way of processing. And this is the price you are now having to pay for betraying the M. What you say won't be good enough because she has seen you tell her you love her, but turn around and say the same to another woman. Your ACTIONS are what's going to matter most to her whether she decides to stay or leave. This is her choice and her right. This was the risk you took.

 

Thank goodness you have kids, because they will become her only reason to survive on a daily basis. My H & I don't have kids. I have my dog that came into my life a year ago after an ankle surgery. My H was rarely around. In fact while I was at home, I found receipts of cleaning supplies he acknowledge he used to clean his OW's home.

 

If your W can't cope witht he emotional roller coaster, some BS (with or without children) may have to take A/D. Keep an eye on her. If she's walking in a daze and unable to focus, she may need it. Call your medical provider for a clinical psychologists. They are the only ones who can prescribe psychiatric drugs. Your insurance may cover it.

 

If your W hasn't already done it, she may demand you to get tested for STD. This is the saddest part that so many people don't consider when they engage in EMR outside of their M. When our tests came out negative, my H said, "I knew it would be." I blasted him, "No! We got lucky! There are husbands and wives out there who aren't so lucky!"

 

Meanwhile, start doing the things you used to do for her that she enjoyed. Don't wait for her to ask you. Did you used to bring flowers home after work? Sometimes, for many of us women, it's the little things that you guys do that pleases us. I'm sure if you go back down memory lane, you will come up with more than a dozen ways to show her that you love her.

 

This will also be especially tough for you. You'll probably feel emotionally beaten up for keep trying only to get shut down by your W. Accept that this is the natural course you have to go through if you are to win her back. Any sign of you letting up is a sign to her that you don't care and that you are back with your OW.

 

Accept that even if her anger passes, there will be resentment, grief, hatred and then back to anger again. There is no order in this emotional roller coaster of betrayal.

 

Accept that she will have trigger moments that will cause her to lash out on you or withdraw. They are reminders of your A and any details of your OW that trigger her. She needs to process this on her own (be better w/an MC) and it's up to her to decide whether or not she will allow these trigger moments to affect her. Just be patient. Affair survivors will tell you that with time, these trigger moments become less frequesnt.

 

Don't give up. Affairs will either break a marriage or make it stronger. It's too soon for you to tell with yours. But as long as you keep depositing into her love bank, she may start to deposit into yours.

[NoIDidn't]

H2T

 

I posted as a guest twice b4 but I finally remembered my password to log in. Anywho.

 

Motoman, please start your own thread so that H2T's thread doesn't become this huge monster thread that gets too confusing to keep up with.

 

TheWife, please come back and tell your story. There may yet be life in your M that you can reconcile if you both are willing. Many times a MM will go back to his OW but that doesn't mean that all is lost, unless he keeps lying to all involved. At the least the great folks here will be able to support you whatever decision you are making.

[stargazer12]

I is my opion that the only one, that truly makes out on this deal is your wife. She's getting rid of you. I doesn't speak well of a person, who fears being left out ,having no relationship. Being alone not able to meet the world.

[TheWife]

Thanks, NoIDidn't.

 

I will start a thread with the intent that it will or may help others who are in the same situation.

 

The difference between my M and H2T's M, is that H2T made a committment to end his A with the OW and recommitted himself to his W and M. He is fighting to win his W's heart back. My H hasn't made a committment to end his A with the OW.

 

Secondly, a man who commits himself to his W and M, wouldn't demonize his W the way my H has done.

 

Thirdly, H2T is desperately seeking advise to win his W's heart back. My H is desperately defending his OW and his A by listing all the "horrible things" I have done to him and his OW.

 

So, if anyone has an idea how I should start this thread so that we won't impose on H2T, I'm all ears.

[whichwayisup]

The Wife, just start your own thread, that way we all can help you through this.

 

I will give you this link to read, I put on this thread for H2T, but I think it will be helpful to you as well. It's by DazednConfused, his story about his wife's affair and all that he had to go through and deal with throughout the recovery. It's long, but worth the read!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

[TheWife]

Thanks whichwayisup.

 

Started reading Daze. There is some comfort to know that you are not alone. And yes, I finally wrote my story. It helped me a lot, but it was also very difficult. It broght back different emotions reliving each details of my H's A. Perhaps this will be the beginning of my own recovery.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97780/

[Hard2Think]

Well, I'm of course guarded as I say this - but it looks like we're finally making some steps towards reconciliation. My wife has been very loving and caring towards me for three days straight and the outside signs of anger have dropped considerably. Her language is no longer one of "if we stay together" but more towards permanence.

 

I know for a fact that she'll be angry with me again and again for the next few years, but all in all the incidents seem already to be subsiding and I expect they'll continue to do so as time goes on.

 

On her own she's admitted that she's been a very lousy wife for the past few years and even indicated that it took the A for her to realize that. I'm not mentioning the way she was anymore .. but I do hope she gets some counseling about that. I just don't want us to revert back to our old ways in another few months - that'll just spell disaster. I won't have another A, but as much as I love her, I'd leave.

 

Aside from that, our relationship right now is great. I feel like she's my wife for the first time in years. She's caring and affectionate and is willing to accept my affection. I'm happier to come home now and I even find myself doing more things around the house and also doing small things for her. For the past month, I've been going to bed early with her and getting up at 5:30 AM with her as well. It's becoming "our routine" now and it feels nice. We go for long walks now holding hands, and we've made a commitment to spend more time together. We're meeting for lunch 2x a week and we'll be going out just the 2 of us every other week at night.

 

So for the moment, things seem to be getting much better. I know there will be ups and downs, but so far so good.

[whichwayisup]

So for the moment, things seem to be getting much better. I know there will be ups and downs, but so far so good.

 

Remember this and other good days for when the bad days hit you both. Ride those ones out and try not to allow yourself to get so down and start doubting that things "won't" work out...I know, easier said than done.

 

You both have made progress! So another thought is, when you do have those bad days, don't think of them as that, think of them as another step into recovery.

[Mz. Pixie]

That's great H2T!

[Guest]

"and by then our love will have waned."

 

Duh - that is not love. Can you see your appendix yet from where your head is now? You should run...not walk to a therapist before any more of your confusion hurts anyone else.

[Hard2Think]

I learned more in a month than any therapist could teach me, I think.

 

"and by then our love will have waned."

 

Duh - that is not love. Can you see your appendix yet from where your head is now? You should run...not walk to a therapist before any more of your confusion hurts anyone else.

[MotoMan]

That's great H2T! It sounds like you're on your way!

 

Great advice from whichwayisup reminded me of something else.

 

You might want to put together a WIN file (when in need). Put in it pictures of happy times with your wife and kids, maybe a journal or slips of paper with notes of how you felt on the good days. Perhaps pics of a positive goal that you both have (maybe a nice cruise, or vacation, or an extended family pic), or a pic of an old couple holding hands or kissing (to remind you of how you want to keep the love alive for the long term).

 

If your wife's open to it, maybe she can put together one for herself as well. Perhaps it will help her with her difficult times (as well as the times when we men are blithering idiots- and we all are), and to see that you're both trying, and that under all the anger/resentment that there is a good man and a good woman in there.

 

I spent 14 hours last Sunday going through all the posts on this thread, and to see where you were at the start to now has been an extraordinary journey!

 

The guest has a good point, albeit some anger too. MC and/or IC is a good idea. My W and I have stopped MC, but I'm continuing my IC. If Michael Jordan got to be one of the best basketball players in the world with coaching, I'm going to get some good coaching to have a good relationship and be a good partner. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, it just seems like you and I have travelled on some of the same roads in life (and gone on different interchanges)

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Moto. And, great idea about the pictures...

 

hey, when are you going to do your thread about you??

[MotoMan]

Ok, whichwayis up here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=904527#post904527

 

H2T, Please keep us up on what's happening, your story is helping me too!

[ilmw]

Never heard your children metioned or are they an after thought?

[Hard2Think]

So far things seem ok. My wife got very sore - the doc said it vaginitis. That's the second time since DDay. This first time was on vacation, and the second was last week. It's been those marathon lovemaking sessions and I guess she's not used to it. So she needs to take it easy in that department for a couple of weeks probably, which she should.

 

There have been no more fights not even any mention of the A for nearly a week. We're still going to be going MC at least one more time - but at this point, I'm not too sure we're going to need to much anymore.

 

I have to admit that I'm just a little uncomfortable sometimes. It's as though neither of us wants to rock the boat and so she's trying to be extra nice and so am I - it all feels so unnatural. But that seems to be creating some sort of weird distance between us. I'm not too sure what to do about that right now.

 

I've had no contact whatsoever with OW since D-Day and I won't in the future either. I don't know if she's tried to email me or not since I've set up my email to block her. I've alos blocked and deleted her from IM. She only has the phone, which I haven't figured out how to block - but I don't think she'll call. But even now, when I hear the doorbell, I cringe.

[TheWife]

So far things seem ok. My wife got very sore - the doc said it vaginitis. That's the second time since DDay. This first time was on vacation, and the second was last week. It's been those marathon lovemaking sessions and I guess she's not used to it. So she needs to take it easy in that department for a couple of weeks probably, which she should.

 

There have been no more fights not even any mention of the A for nearly a week. We're still going to be going MC at least one more time - but at this point, I'm not too sure we're going to need to much anymore.

 

I have to admit that I'm just a little uncomfortable sometimes. It's as though neither of us wants to rock the boat and so she's trying to be extra nice and so am I - it all feels so unnatural. But that seems to be creating some sort of weird distance between us. I'm not too sure what to do about that right now.

 

I've had no contact whatsoever with OW since D-Day and I won't in the future either. I don't know if she's tried to email me or not since I've set up my email to block her. I've alos blocked and deleted her from IM. She only has the phone, which I haven't figured out how to block - but I don't think she'll call. But even now, when I hear the doorbell, I cringe.

 

One day at time, H2T. But, why would you even wonder whether or not the OW will try to contact you?

 

If neither one of you are allergic to pets, how about getting a dog? If you OW is going to come over, ringing the doorbell will be the last thing she'll do. But, a dog will sniff her and any would be pysho or door sales persons who would even attempt to enter your house when they hear a barking do. I have a mixed cocker spaniel, and her nose is one mighty detector that even with the door closed, she can sense something is out there.

 

Besides, you'll be saving a life when you adopt a dog. AND it might even take the edge off between you and your W.

[MotoMan]

As far as feeling distant goes, you might just talk about it with her. I would suggest doing it using words that reaffirm your love and commitment and just tell her what you just told us. Maybe you're both trying too hard if it feels unnatural, relax a bit, see if you can find things to laugh about together, that will difuse some of the unconfortable feelings.

[whichwayisup]

She won't come to the door, she knows you'll call the cops on her if she shows up. After everything that has happened, I doubt she has the nerve. If she DOES, man, she's got big balls.......

 

PS As for the vaginitis, use alot of lube next time!!