I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[norajane]

We're still going to be going MC at least one more time - but at this point, I'm not too sure we're going to need to much anymore.

 

Keep going to MC.

 

My wife has been very loving and caring towards me for three days straight

 

I just don't want us to revert back to our old ways in another few months - that'll just spell disaster.

 

This is why you need to keep going.

 

Why so eager to end MC?

[Ladyjane14]

Rollercoasters go up and down, H2T.

You're on an 'up' right now. So... hang on tight.... because you'll more than likely be seeing 'down' again at some point. It takes awhile to reach normalcy again. And as you've expressed in your fear of not wanting to go back to the way things were.... a NEW NORMALCY must be defined.

 

It all takes TIME. It's way too soon in the process of recovery for you to begin expecting full reconciliation of the marriage. This thing is still wobbly... like Jell-O. It's not strong yet, so don't build a bunch of expectations upon it as 'normal'.

 

There WILL come a time when your foundation is strong again if you both keep working and achieving in the relationship. And as you build, you'll establish a new 'norm'. At first, the lack of drama in the relationship will actually be an adjustment... if you can believe it.

 

But if you can avoid complacency as you transition, your new 'norm' will be a pretty good thing.

[Hard2Think]

That was quite prophetic of you. We went to a couple's house last night for dinner, and at some point the woman mentioned that her neighbor's husband was having an affair, so ...... that set my wife off internally.

 

I could tell she was cold as we came back home and during the night. She was also a bit cold this morning. Then just a an hour ago, she lay into me pretty hard. She called me a liar and a cheater and told me she was sure I would do it again. She also said she wasn't sure she wants to stay with me yet and that I would have no right to say a word if she decided to go out and see someone else. She called our marriage "bull****" and expressed her anger at the fact that she's now a "statistic" like the neighbor from the conversation. She also said that she's not sure she even wants a marriage and that she's probably staying for the kids.

 

She basically told me that she has no idea why she'd stay with me. She also said that she's not sure I'm going to want to stay with her given that she's as mad as she is at me. I reassured her that I would stay until she expressly desires for me to leave and for us to split up.

 

She's back to minimizing the issues I had at the time .. "Every time we have a little problem you're going to go out and f*ck someone else ..". I said nothing except when she said that she always considers the concequences of her actions before acting.

 

I stopped her right there and calmly replied "No you don't. I'm sorry - but I can't let you say that. You most definitely do not act after considering the consequences".

 

Her reply: "Whatever"

 

Anyway - here we go again ..

 

Rollercoasters go up and down, H2T.

You're on an 'up' right now. So... hang on tight.... because you'll more than likely be seeing 'down' again at some point. It takes awhile to reach normalcy again. And as you've expressed in your fear of not wanting to go back to the way things were.... a NEW NORMALCY must be defined.

 

It all takes TIME. It's way too soon in the process of recovery for you to begin expecting full reconciliation of the marriage. This thing is still wobbly... like Jell-O. It's not strong yet, so don't build a bunch of expectations upon it as 'normal'.

 

There WILL come a time when your foundation is strong again if you both keep working and achieving in the relationship. And as you build, you'll establish a new 'norm'. At first, the lack of drama in the relationship will actually be an adjustment... if you can believe it.

 

But if you can avoid complacency as you transition, your new 'norm' will be a pretty good thing.

[Ladyjane14]

She's just blowing off steam, H2T.

 

If she was REALLY serious, she wouldn't be sharing her thoughts with you. She'd be out retaining an attorney and working on maneuvering you out of the family home voluntarily.

 

Rollercoasters go 'up' and 'down', kiddo. Hang on tight.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks, LJ ..!

 

Yeah, I figured that might be the case, but I'm never sure. So it's awfully nice to hear you say that. Thanks again. And yes, my seatbelts are fastened

 

 

She's just blowing off steam, H2T.

 

If she was REALLY serious, she wouldn't be sharing her thoughts with you. She'd be out retaining an attorney and working on maneuvering you out of the family home voluntarily.

 

Rollercoasters go 'up' and 'down', kiddo. Hang on tight.

[jonesgirly]

Wear your seatbelt faithfully, H2T..........

 

Your wife will express emotions like these many, many, more times. But LJ is right - "she's blowing off steam". The best way you can prove your loyalty to her is by STICKING AROUND when she does this.

 

SHOW her your commitment to her by not becoming rattled by these rollercoaster displays of emotion.

 

Make her realize that you're "in it for the long run" by not running and hiding when she NEEDS to express some momentary anger. After all, you DID supply the 'need' to do this!

 

Your wife is feeling hurt, anger, sadness and humiliation, all rolled up in to one.

 

Your neighbors comments probably made her realize how 'non-special' she is to you - everyone is 'doing it' and everybody knows about it.

 

These are the times when you can really prove your love and commitment to your wife. By allowing, understanding, and accepting the reality of your contribution to her emotional rollercoaster. Damn, I wish my H had posted here and "heard" this reply.

[MotoMan]

Very true, H2T. My w & I went through the same conversations. Even though we're now working on a d, she still lets it rip on occasion. (She made some choice comments at dinner tonight).

 

If your w didn't care, she wouldn't put so much energy into her verbal exchanges. She's feeling the inner struggle of loving you, and her ego and pride want to d you in a New York minute. She knows that sleeping with another guy wouldn't make her feel any better, but she wants you to hurt like she's hurting, and that feeling could go on for a long time according to some other couples on this site.

 

You may need to acquire some new coping skills: ie. meditation, Tai Chi, ( Kramer's "Serenity Now!)... something that you can focus on while she's yelling at you so you don't get sucked into the emotional tornado. Only one of you can be emotional at a time if you're going to maintain, and since you're the WS you need to be the calm one.

 

LJ and Jonesgirly have great advice! (That Jello analogy is right on!)

[Hard2Think]

Yeah I'm with you on all that. It is getting difficult for me as well simply because it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The problems won't be over if and when she forgives me.

 

I still have to face the prospect of having her be the same seemingly uncaring person she was except that now she has another stick to beat me with for the next 30 years. That scares the hell out of me.

 

It's at times like these that I wonder if it's all even worth it. It already been a battle for the last 8 years just to get her to be somewhat loving and caring with me .. and now I brought this on.

 

She's been sh*tty with me all day. This reminds me of when she asked me to move out a couple of weeks ago - ugh.

 

 

Wear your seatbelt faithfully, H2T..........

 

Your wife will express emotions like these many, many, more times. But LJ is right - "she's blowing off steam". The best way you can prove your loyalty to her is by STICKING AROUND when she does this.

 

SHOW her your commitment to her by not becoming rattled by these rollercoaster displays of emotion.

 

Make her realize that you're "in it for the long run" by not running and hiding when she NEEDS to express some momentary anger. After all, you DID supply the 'need' to do this!

 

Your wife is feeling hurt, anger, sadness and humiliation, all rolled up in to one.

 

Your neighbors comments probably made her realize how 'non-special' she is to you - everyone is 'doing it' and everybody knows about it.

 

These are the times when you can really prove your love and commitment to your wife. By allowing, understanding, and accepting the reality of your contribution to her emotional rollercoaster. Damn, I wish my H had posted here and "heard" this reply.

[MotoMan]

Yep, and you'll have to make that decision every time she goes off...

 

I did that with my w too, but my Mom before she died said to me " I know you both are hurting and you've both been unhappy for so long, I'd just hate to see you both waste a lot of time. When you're at death's door like I am, you realize just how precious time is. You both deserve to be happy, maybe you were mean't to come together to learn some life lessons from each other, know yourselves better, and create different relationships in your future"

 

That being said, we don't have any kids. When kids are involved, it's a whole different ballgame.

 

I'm curious, do you two have these angry exchanges in front of the kids? How are they coping with all this? Do they have opportunites to talk about their feelings either with a parent, IC, or their friends?

[Hard2Think]

No - we don't. She's careful to make sure they don't see it. But I'm almost certain may daughter knows something is up.

 

Yep, and you'll have to make that decision every time she goes off...

 

I did that with my w too, but my Mom before she died said to me " I know you both are hurting and you've both been unhappy for so long, I'd just hate to see you both waste a lot of time. When you're at death's door like I am, you realize just how precious time is. You both deserve to be happy, maybe you were mean't to come together to learn some life lessons from each other, know yourselves better, and create different relationships in your future"

 

That being said, we don't have any kids. When kids are involved, it's a whole different ballgame.

 

I'm curious, do you two have these angry exchanges in front of the kids? How are they coping with all this? Do they have opportunites to talk about their feelings either with a parent, IC, or their friends?

[TheWife]

Wear your seatbelt faithfully, H2T..........

 

Your wife will express emotions like these many, many, more times. But LJ is right - "she's blowing off steam". The best way you can prove your loyalty to her is by STICKING AROUND when she does this.

 

SHOW her your commitment to her by not becoming rattled by these rollercoaster displays of emotion.

 

Make her realize that you're "in it for the long run" by not running and hiding when she NEEDS to express some momentary anger. After all, you DID supply the 'need' to do this!

 

Your wife is feeling hurt, anger, sadness and humiliation, all rolled up in to one.

 

Your neighbors comments probably made her realize how 'non-special' she is to you - everyone is 'doing it' and everybody knows about it.

 

These are the times when you can really prove your love and commitment to your wife. By allowing, understanding, and accepting the reality of your contribution to her emotional rollercoaster. Damn, I wish my H had posted here and "heard" this reply.

Completely agree and w/LJ. Compare this to a hurricane. Moments prior to D-day, you knew the damage a hurricane can cause when it reached land as much as you knew what kind of damage the A can cause your M. At what speed and how much damage, there's no telling.

 

You are now in the middle of this storm and you're hoping and praying every second it would end. But what does a family do when caught in a storm? The stick together and weather it until the storm subsides. There will be few moments of silence when you think all is calm and perhaps the storm is over so that your family can move on. Then at whatever emotions your W experiences, the storm begins again. And you go through the same process again.

 

It will take time for your W to process those different emotions and they vary in intensity depending what triggers them. If you haven't already done so, trying coming with different approaches to "help" her cope with them. For example, when she throws a threat (venting anger, frustration, etc) ask her if that's what she really wants. Ten out of ten , it isn' what she wants. It's her way of venting out. It's her anger. Chances are that when you ask her it's probably not the response she expected. So now, the ball is back on her court to have to adjust that may help her look at the situation or her triggers differently. Like a hurricane, time is what it will take for the storm to subside. After all, you took time away from the M. Unfortunately, you may have to spend twice the time in putting the M back together.

 

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND, BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS". This message speaks volume. While you and your W weather the aftermath and the damage your A has caused, each of your individual approaches must be adjusted in order for the M to sail towards the direction you two want. This is what marriage is all about. It is WORK. It is committment. It's easy to throw this four letter word around, but actually doing is the toughest part. That's why some marriages lasts less than five years while others live to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary.

 

Consider the adjustments of your sails a crash course because either of you somehow missed the initial training to make your M a successful journey.

 

What is most important to her is that she has to know that you have recomitted yourself to your M and W. And you have provided the initial stage of rebuilding your M. That is, you took responsibility for you A. You ended the A and you recommitted yourself to your W and M. Reassuring her of your committment IS a necessity. This and your actions is what she needs. Accept that she will test it from time to time. It's a given. But understand that she is not playing game nor is it intended to hurt you. It's simply a by-product of the emotional roller coaster that can only be described as pure he*ll. And yes, at some point, once she is convinced that you are truly committed, she will have to decideto whether stay and rebuild your M or move on. What you can also do is ASK if she wants to or not. BUT determining WHEN and how to approach her will require some delicate thought. Right now, it's too soon for you to ask. In other words, you don't want to stand up in the middle of a storm because you will get blown away.

[whichwayisup]

I still have to face the prospect of having her be the same seemingly uncaring person she was except that now she has another stick to beat me with for the next 30 years. That scares the hell out of me.

 

Marriage counselling will fix this. If she forgives you and wants the marriage to work, she can't expect YOU to do all the changing, it's a two-way street here...BOTH of you must put in 100% and do what's required to fix things. If she isn't willing to change her ways, her reactions and how she handles things between you two then yes, it will be a miserable marriage.

 

Change is hard, but if it means the intimacy and love between you two will grow again and stay strong, there's no reason why she can't make the efforts.

[TheWife]

Marriage counselling will fix this. If she forgives you and wants the marriage to work, she can't expect YOU to do all the changing, it's a two-way street here...BOTH of you must put in 100% and do what's required to fix things. If she isn't willing to change her ways, her reactions and how she handles things between you two then yes, it will be a miserable marriage.

 

Change is hard, but if it means the intimacy and love between you two will grow again and stay strong, there's no reason why she can't make the efforts.

Exactlymundo! No amount of MC will do if one spouse is committed to the M while the other isn't or has no intentions to commit.

 

OK, H2T, NOW's probablly a good time as any to ASK your wife after she blows at you if she wants to become part of rebuilding your M. Reaffirm your committment to her and your M, and that you understand her anger, and that you will help her through it. Firmly tell her that while you have made your committment and acknowledge your bad choices, you cannot fight for the M alone and that you need her become a part of the rebuilding process. AND, tell her you don't expect her to forgive you immediately, but hope that she will eventually. THEN go for the punch line---ASK if she still wants the Marriage. Refrain from using if she still wants "you". She knows she's going to have to make that decision at some point. If she blows, leave and give her the space to let her cool off. Before you leave, tell her that when you come back home, you hope that both of you can sit down and figure out a way to start. Go to Home Depot to kill some time or take the kids to a movie or the park. Just disappear. This will give her the time to think things through. It's harder for her to do if you're there in front of her.

[Hard2Think]

Yeah - well I'm not sure yet that this is exactly the right time to ask her that simply because I can't give her answer any weight either way. For example, the day before yesterday she was sitting next to me while I was helping her do some stuff on the computer - and she reaches over affectionately and says "I love you no matter what. Let's make this work"

 

But then the next day (yesterday) - she hates my guts. So I can't expect her to give me an answer that I can bank on yet.

 

But this is damn hard. I think I will have to give her some space. Maybe I've been around too much again. This is such garbage.

 

Exactlymundo! No amount of MC will do if one spouse is committed to the M while the other isn't or has no intentions to commit.

 

OK, H2T, NOW's probablly a good time as any to ASK your wife after she blows at you if she wants to become part of rebuilding your M. Reaffirm your committment to her and your M, and that you understand her anger, and that you will help her through it. Firmly tell her that while you have made your committment and acknowledge your bad choices, you cannot fight for the M alone and that you need her become a part of the rebuilding process. AND, tell her you don't expect her to forgive you immediately, but hope that she will eventually. THEN go for the punch line---ASK if she still wants the Marriage. Refrain from using if she still wants "you". She knows she's going to have to make that decision at some point. If she blows, leave and give her the space to let her cool off. Before you leave, tell her that when you come back home, you hope that both of you can sit down and figure out a way to start. Go to Home Depot to kill some time or take the kids to a movie or the park. Just disappear. This will give her the time to think things through. It's harder for her to do if you're there in front of her.

[Hard2Think]

Damn I'm tired of this sh*t.

 

I'm tired of the constant rejection, I'm tired of constantly cowtowing to her whimsical moods, I'm tired of her goddamn selfish crap, I'm tired of doing **** for her all the time and her thinking that she's entitled to it all, I'm tired of the sacrifice, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it ..!!

 

What am I fighting for? Loooove ..?? I must be an idiot. Nothing is going to change - I'm always going to be the dumbass chump who spends his life working for wifey's new kitchen, new car, ski vacation, or whatever else strikes her fancy and I'll get beaten up as usual.

 

Let her find some other sap to do this for her. Unfortunately for her, she'll actually have to treat this guy well (gasp).

 

The irony came to me as I was driving to work today. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a couple of days now, and I realized that this is noit all that different than our marriage has been for years. Me kissing up to her while she acts indifferent.

 

I think I've had it ..

[Hard2Think]

I'm starting to "lose it" today .. I'll be ok, just feel a little shaky right now. I don't know how to act with her at this point. Do I just stay away and give her space? Do I still try and act affectionate with her even if I know I'll get rebuked?

[TheWife]

Damn I'm tired of this sh*t.

 

I'm tired of the constant rejection, I'm tired of constantly cowtowing to her whimsical moods, I'm tired of her goddamn selfish crap, I'm tired of doing **** for her all the time and her thinking that she's entitled to it all, I'm tired of the sacrifice, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it ..!!

 

What am I fighting for? Loooove ..?? I must be an idiot. Nothing is going to change - I'm always going to be the dumbass chump who spends his life working for wifey's new kitchen, new car, ski vacation, or whatever else strikes her fancy and I'll get beaten up as usual.

 

Let her find some other sap to do this for her. Unfortunately for her, she'll actually have to treat this guy well (gasp).

 

The irony came to me as I was driving to work today. She's been giving me the cold shoulder for a couple of days now, and I realized that this is noit all that different than our marriage has been for years. Me kissing up to her while she acts indifferent.

 

I think I've had it ..

 

Did you tell her all this? If you haven't already, you should. It's long overdue, I think.

[Hard2Think]

I want to - but I don't know if I should or not .. I guess I don't want to screw up whatever recovery may be in the works. I'm confused at this point.

 

As a BS, what would be your reaction to such an outburst?

 

Did you tell her all this? If you haven't already, you should. It's long overdue, I think.

[TheWife]

I'm starting to "lose it" today .. I'll be ok, just feel a little shaky right now. I don't know how to act with her at this point. Do I just stay away and give her space? Do I still try and act affectionate with her even if I know I'll get rebuked?

 

Now's the time to really adjust those sails. Tell her exactly how you feel, what you just wrote from the other one. Remind her that you love her, you want the marriage but she needs to take part in rebuilding it. And if she doesn't want to, then your M won't have a snow ball chance of surviving. Did the same exact thing to STBXH that if he couldn't be honest, no M would survive. And as it played out, dishonesty was what destroyed the M in the end.

 

You need to set your boundaries and I think you have. But does she know?

[a4a]

H2T first of all calm down. How long since your wife found out? A couple of weeks?

 

Stop and put yourself in her shoes for one moment. Would you still have twinges of anger flare up? I think so.

 

You need to continue the MC/IC. You need to quit looking for the quick fix.

 

If you don't want your marriage to work .....quit. You are using the same old excuses you did to get into the affair.

 

I am not happy with how she is treating me and I will just not confront or work on it..... instead I will take the easy way out because I am not satisfied in this moment. (stomp feet and slam the door)

 

Talk to her...... TALK. Not yell, not use the words always, never, or make demands.

 

Tell her you want to work this out. Tell her why you are upset without the crap you posted.... I give her a new kitchen, vacations, and the other crap.

 

Tell her what you want from her..... for you to feel loved and wanted by her.

 

and you are holding a "you wronged me" stick over her as well.......Are you going to continue to beat her with that stick for the next 30 years too?

 

One of you has to put down the stick first.

[Hard2Think]

It's been over a month .. I know it's not that long ago. Truth is, I'm not hanging on to the "you wronged me" thing as much as you think. I'm not really a stick-wielding individual. I'd forget the whole thing if things were better. I always do. But this crap is just more of the same ..

 

But how much of this do I take before I realize this is just not about to improve? I'm being nice to her all the time, even when she is not with me. But how much of that makes me look weak and desperate?

 

H2T first of all calm down. How long since your wife found out? A couple of weeks?

 

Stop and put yourself in her shoes for one moment. Would you still have twinges of anger flare up? I think so.

 

You need to continue the MC/IC. You need to quit looking for the quick fix.

 

If you don't want your marriage to work .....quit. You are using the same old excuses you did to get into the affair.

 

I am not happy with how she is treating me and I will just not confront or work on it..... instead I will take the easy way out because I am not satisfied in this moment. (stomp feet and slam the door)

 

Talk to her...... TALK. Not yell, not use the words always, never, or make demands.

 

Tell her you want to work this out. Tell her why you are upset without the crap you posted.... I give her a new kitchen, vacations, and the other crap.

 

Tell her what you want from her..... for you to feel loved and wanted by her.

 

and you are holding a "you wronged me" stick over her as well.......Are you going to continue to beat her with that stick for the next 30 years too?

 

One of you has to put down the stick first.

[Hard2Think]

She's still at the "I don't know" stage .. so I wouldn't trust any answer I get from her at this point ..

 

Now's the time to really adjust those sails. Tell her exactly how you feel, what you just wrote from the other one. Remind her that you love her, you want the marriage but she needs to take part in rebuilding it. And if she doesn't want to, then your M won't have a snow ball chance of surviving. Did the same exact thing to STBXH that if he couldn't be honest, no M would survive. And as it played out, dishonesty was what destroyed the M in the end.

 

You need to set your boundaries and I think you have. But does she know?

[hotgurl]

It's only been a month. What do you expect. You are so angry at her for withdrawing affection. Picture her making love to another man in detail he moaning etc.. talking maybe making fun of you. Her telling the OM what a jerk you are. Playing on a loop in you head over and over again.

 

Because that is what is going on. For her.

 

Also you had said that for the first part of your marrige everything was great and then things changed. She became cold. Did this happen around the time when you had children. It could have been unintentional or maybe she was unhappy about the marriage and withdrew affection as a result. The problems in the marriage are created by two people. The problems before the affiar coudlbe both you faults as well. Also you had said you have a previous affiar before this one. perhaps she sense you pulling away as well.

 

You are both angry and she is still very up and down give it time and I give ehr credit. I was so pissed at my SO after the affiar I watned to stab him the eye. I couldn't even look at him without breaking into a total rage. I left. I couldn't be that angry all the time.

 

And as a side note since she has had vaginitis did you guys get tested for STDS.

[a4a]

JFC :rolleyes:

 

A month...... a freaking month...........?

 

Thank goodness you cannot get pregnant you would be screaming about the pain and effect after the first 2 weeks of it :lmao:

 

Mr. Quick Fix is back..

 

 

4 friggin weeks of not being in paradise..boo hoo... well you know what you are the one not committed to fixing this.

 

Well you are going to have bad days and good days even if your marriage was near perfect.

 

Keep in mind you stuck your dick into other women..... she knows this, it is hard for her to feel in love with you 100% of the time.

[Mz. Pixie]

You need to continue the MC/IC. You need to quit looking for the quick fix.

 

If you don't want your marriage to work .....quit. You are using the same old excuses you did to get into the affair.

 

 

This is spot on. I'm starting to see your self entitlement come back H2T.

 

The comment at dinner would have set me off too. She's very embarrassed and thinks someone might be talking about her at a dinner table somewhere "Poor Ms. H2T- and she didn't even KNOW" giggle giggle.

 

Can you imagine what that feels like for a proud woman??

 

There is no quick fix. Quit letting your "taker" take control- you're NOT entitled to it right now- your behavior has not earned it yet.

 

This part is ABOUT HER, not you. The sooner you come to understand that the better off you'll be.

 

She's been having sex with you- which is alot more than some BS's do. Did she discuss with her dr the fact you might have given her a STD?? Did she get tested??

 

You sound like a two year old who wants someone to stop what their doing and tend to their wishes.