I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[TheWife]

I want to - but I don't know if I should or not .. I guess I don't want to screw up whatever recovery may be in the works. I'm confused at this point.

 

As a BS, what would be your reaction to such an outburst?

You have to!! If you don't nothing will change!

 

As a BS (which I am), if you told me all that, it would be a wake up call. Have you ever thought that the reason why she is the "wife who is only concerned with the new kitchen" is because it is her only source or outlet that satisfy her? Maybe she sensed you stopped being into her or into the M before your A became known.

 

My STBXH had all sorts of assumptions as you are doing about your W. The problem with this is that you are reacting and dictating every move you make or words to say based on your "assumptions" of what or how your W might react. Do you realize how exhausting that is? And you are exhausted! You're doing the daisy picking when all that is needed is for your to tell it like it is!! If you don't, you can't blame your W for not understaning you because you decided what her answers might be based on the actions or lack of that you are doing. Give her some credit! There's a reasonm, for Christ sakes why you married her. And it sure isn't the reason that she's a good money spender and a kitchen decorator!

 

Take it from me. JUST DO IT! What else is there to lose?

[Hard2Think]

For the record, yes - she went to the doc. She had a urinary tract infection and vaginitis. No STD's, but was probably due (according to the doc) to frequent use of spermicide - a major irritant.

[Hard2Think]

I realize that she's hurting - I really do. If there would have been no other reason for me not to have an A, this would have been it - not to have her feel this pain.

 

This is just hard. I don't know where I stand. She just told me a few minutes ago by phone that she can't stand the hurt feelings anymore and that she thinks she wants out of the marriage because it would be easier.

 

But it also isn't all black and white. She's treated me very poorly for years now - and I was in distress over that. I didn't know what the hell to do. The A was a poor choice that I regret deeply - but damn if OW didn't meet needs of mine that were simple to meet and that I would have preferred to have a had from my wife ANY DAY INSTEAD of OW.

 

I was already at the end of my rope when D-Day came - and I've got almost none left. Yeah it's easy to point the finger at me and say "but you cheated" while the (in)actions of my wife have nothing to be pointed to. o

 

And I AM committed to this marriage. I've down nothing but be 100% supportive. If she wants to vent - I'll stay and let her vent until she's sick of venting. If she wants to call me names, she calls me names and I let her. I go to bed the same time she does and wake up with her. I make her meals, I clean up and make her life easier. I'm loving towards her even after she does all this. What else am I supposed to do now?

 

 

This is spot on. I'm starting to see your self entitlement come back H2T.

 

The comment at dinner would have set me off too. She's very embarrassed and thinks someone might be talking about her at a dinner table somewhere "Poor Ms. H2T- and she didn't even KNOW" giggle giggle.

 

Can you imagine what that feels like for a proud woman??

 

There is no quick fix. Quit letting your "taker" take control- you're NOT entitled to it right now- your behavior has not earned it yet.

 

This part is ABOUT HER, not you. The sooner you come to understand that the better off you'll be.

 

She's been having sex with you- which is alot more than some BS's do. Did she discuss with her dr the fact you might have given her a STD?? Did she get tested??

 

You sound like a two year old who wants someone to stop what their doing and tend to their wishes.

[a4a]

Your supposed to continue with IC and MC to figure out why you cannot seem to communicate your needs to your wife in a positive and productive manner.

 

If your wife leaves you will still benefit from learning this skill.

 

This reminds me of two kids fighting.

 

She hit me, so I ran and broke her toy.

Now she is mad but she started it.

 

Right now you are more aware of the problems or how they started to become problems in your marriage.... so you have to be the big boy and be a little further along in the management of putting your M back together RIGHT NOW.

 

Stop looking for who is to blame and start spending your time looking for the solution to the problem!

 

Nobody says your wife is perfect. Who the hell is?

[Guest]

"What else am I supposed to do now? "

 

Perhaps changing the title of that thread wouldn't be a bad thing too. Especially if the wife has been reading it.

[Ladyjane14]

And I AM committed to this marriage.

 

If that's the case, H2T.... then where's the fire???

Why does this all have to be resolved right now?

 

 

 

(BTW... duck. 'Cause here comes the 2x4..... )

 

Yeah.... your wife is P*SSED OFF. She has a right to be. Did you think about STDs when you had sexual relations with somebody else? Did you get your affair partner tested for HIV before you had sex with her?

 

Probably not. And if not... you gambled your wife's very LIFE on the strength of a condom (that is, if you even used one... a surprising number of cheaters don't). From her point of view, you took a chance on leaving your children as orphans to boot.

 

I don't give a sh*t WHAT you had on her in terms of poor marital communications and lack of emotional fulfillment prior to the affair. NOTHING compares to the absolute disregard of whether your wife, the mother of your children, lives or dies. (And that's only just one aspect of what a BS goes through, btw.)

 

I agree with these other ladies. You're still qualifying. From here, you're still coming off as just a weensie bit ENTITLED. What's worse, you're still avoiding conflict... which is how you got into this mess in the first place.

 

If neither one of you are leaving TODAY.... then today is what's available to work with. You can sit around trying to predict the future 'til you turn BLUE for all the good it'll do you. TODAY is the only day that matters.

 

I've mentioned this to you a bunch of times, but I honestly believe that the problem you're having is that you ABSORB your wife's negative emotions. But as I've said before, you don't have to FEEL her feelings for her. You can be supportive, but she's ultimately the one who has to work this all out inside.

 

But because you're helping her feel her feelings... you end up reacting to everything she says and does. Granted, that may not be an outward reaction... but you're feeling it internally.

 

She expresses anger, you feel defensive. She expresses devotion, you feel hope. You see how that works?

 

STOP doing that.

 

Let her go through what she's going through and you worry about YOU. There are things you can control and things you can't. Your wife falls neatly into the "can't control" catagory. But you CAN control what you do. So.... open your mouth and TALK about what you hope to accomplish in recovery. SHARE your hopes, dreams, and fears. Her crystal ball works about the same as yours does.... not at all.

 

END OF RANT.

 

Hang in there. You're doing okay... you really are. Half the battle here is just keeping your options open until you BOTH know what you want.

[Hard2Think]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My feelings are all pegged to hers right now, this is true .. I'll work on decoupling that.

 

I'm not looking for everything to be resolved right now. I do understand that that's completely ridiculous. I guess I just want the threat of the dissolution of this relationship to go away.

 

And yes OW did get tested before we did anything. She actually volunteered it. I did as well ..

 

If that's the case, H2T.... then where's the fire???

Why does this all have to be resolved right now?

 

 

 

(BTW... duck. 'Cause here comes the 2x4..... )

 

Yeah.... your wife is P*SSED OFF. She has a right to be. Did you think about STDs when you had sexual relations with somebody else? Did you get your affair partner tested for HIV before you had sex with her?

 

Probably not. And if not... you gambled your wife's very LIFE on the strength of a condom (that is, if you even used one... a surprising number of cheaters don't). From her point of view, you took a chance on leaving your children as orphans to boot.

 

I don't give a sh*t WHAT you had on her in terms of poor marital communications and lack of emotional fulfillment prior to the affair. NOTHING compares to the absolute disregard of whether your wife, the mother of your children, lives or dies. (And that's only just one aspect of what a BS goes through, btw.)

 

I agree with these other ladies. You're still qualifying. From here, you're still coming off as just a weensie bit ENTITLED. What's worse, you're still avoiding conflict... which is how you got into this mess in the first place.

 

If neither one of you are leaving TODAY.... then today is what's available to work with. You can sit around trying to predict the future 'til you turn BLUE for all the good it'll do you. TODAY is the only day that matters.

 

I've mentioned this to you a bunch of times, but I honestly believe that the problem you're having is that you ABSORB your wife's negative emotions. But as I've said before, you don't have to FEEL her feelings for her. You can be supportive, but she's ultimately the one who has to work this all out inside.

 

But because you're helping her feel her feelings... you end up reacting to everything she says and does. Granted, that may not be an outward reaction... but you're feeling it internally.

 

She expresses anger, you feel defensive. She expresses devotion, you feel hope. You see how that works?

 

STOP doing that.

 

Let her go through what she's going through and you worry about YOU. There are things you can control and things you can't. Your wife falls neatly into the "can't control" catagory. But you CAN control what you do. So.... open your mouth and TALK about what you hope to accomplish in recovery. SHARE your hopes, dreams, and fears. Her crystal ball works about the same as yours does.... not at all.

 

END OF RANT.

 

Hang in there. You're doing okay... you really are. Half the battle here is just keeping your options open until you BOTH know what you want.

[Hard2Think]

I wish I could ..! If she reads this thread, I may as well enter the Federal Witness Protection program.

 

"What else am I supposed to do now? "

 

Perhaps changing the title of that thread wouldn't be a bad thing too. Especially if the wife has been reading it.

[Ladyjane14]

I guess I just want the threat of the dissolution of this relationship to go away.

 

 

Yeah, that's understandable. You don't feel like you're on solid ground and that it's safe emotionally to invest.

 

But you know what, hon??? ....Romantic relationships aren't safe for any of us. No matter who we are, or what shape our relationship is in, we're all required to climb out on that limb and hope it doesn't break from beneath us.

 

Infidelity's kind of like adding gusty winds to that scenario, that's true. But regardless... each of us are out there hanging on just like you.... out on our limb.

 

When you acknowledge that fear, that lack of control... it makes you stronger. Yeah, your limb might break. But you're tough, you're strong, and you'll make it through if it becomes necessary to do so. Because you KNOW that if you don't get out there and test your weight... you're just going to be clinging to a tree trunk all your life, never knowing the thrill of being off the ground, testing your limits.

[TheWife]

If that's the case, H2T.... then where's the fire???

Why does this all have to be resolved right now?

 

 

 

(BTW... duck. 'Cause here comes the 2x4..... )

 

Yeah.... your wife is P*SSED OFF. She has a right to be. Did you think about STDs when you had sexual relations with somebody else? Did you get your affair partner tested for HIV before you had sex with her?

 

Probably not. And if not... you gambled your wife's very LIFE on the strength of a condom (that is, if you even used one... a surprising number of cheaters don't). From her point of view, you took a chance on leaving your children as orphans to boot.

 

I don't give a sh*t WHAT you had on her in terms of poor marital communications and lack of emotional fulfillment prior to the affair. NOTHING compares to the absolute disregard of whether your wife, the mother of your children, lives or dies. (And that's only just one aspect of what a BS goes through, btw.)

 

I agree with these other ladies. You're still qualifying. From here, you're still coming off as just a weensie bit ENTITLED. What's worse, you're still avoiding conflict... which is how you got into this mess in the first place.

 

If neither one of you are leaving TODAY.... then today is what's available to work with. You can sit around trying to predict the future 'til you turn BLUE for all the good it'll do you. TODAY is the only day that matters.

 

I've mentioned this to you a bunch of times, but I honestly believe that the problem you're having is that you ABSORB your wife's negative emotions. But as I've said before, you don't have to FEEL her feelings for her. You can be supportive, but she's ultimately the one who has to work this all out inside.

 

But because you're helping her feel her feelings... you end up reacting to everything she says and does. Granted, that may not be an outward reaction... but you're feeling it internally.

 

She expresses anger, you feel defensive. She expresses devotion, you feel hope. You see how that works?

 

STOP doing that.

 

Let her go through what she's going through and you worry about YOU. There are things you can control and things you can't. Your wife falls neatly into the "can't control" catagory. But you CAN control what you do. So.... open your mouth and TALK about what you hope to accomplish in recovery. SHARE your hopes, dreams, and fears. Her crystal ball works about the same as yours does.... not at all.

 

END OF RANT.

 

Hang in there. You're doing okay... you really are. Half the battle here is just keeping your options open until you BOTH know what you want.

DITTO, DITTO, DITTO!

[Mz. Pixie]

H2T-

 

I'm not trying to take away from the fact that your wife treated you poorly before the A. I get that, trust me I do.

 

It's just that right now, the focus has to be on helping her recover. What she did was wrong- but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

She doesn't see right now that she was wrong and that her actions contributed to the demise of the marriage because she's blinded by anger and hurt.

 

That's what the MC and IC is for. There is where you come to terms with all of that- not only in communicating with each other.

 

Once she is reconciled to you- then the two of you get into the core issues that caused this to happen.

 

If you're patient enough.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks, I appreciate it .. I am patient - it's just that every other week, I get paranoid that some guy is going to serve me some papers or something.

 

H2T-

 

I'm not trying to take away from the fact that your wife treated you poorly before the A. I get that, trust me I do.

 

It's just that right now, the focus has to be on helping her recover. What she did was wrong- but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

She doesn't see right now that she was wrong and that her actions contributed to the demise of the marriage because she's blinded by anger and hurt.

 

That's what the MC and IC is for. There is where you come to terms with all of that- not only in communicating with each other.

 

Once she is reconciled to you- then the two of you get into the core issues that caused this to happen.

 

If you're patient enough.

[a4a]

Thanks, I appreciate it .. I am patient - it's just that every other week, I get paranoid that some guy is going to serve me some papers or something.

 

and so what are you worried you will look like a chump or what?

 

You have to "win" this by walking out first?

 

time to let go of your need to control things.

[Hard2Think]

Not in the least .. what - are you kidding? I'm worried because I don't want to lose her!

 

and so what are you worried you will look like a chump or what?

 

You have to "win" this by walking out first?

 

time to let go of your need to control things.

[TheWife]

Not in the least .. what - are you kidding? I'm worried because I don't want to lose her!

And you know what? You may still lose her! But you're not going to earn any brownie points if you want to control the time line of her recovery! That's up to her to decide.

[a4a]

Not in the least .. what - are you kidding? I'm worried because I don't want to lose her!

 

well do you think by not fully committing yourself to this heart and soul that maybe it is showing through to her a bit.

 

So stop it.

 

Stop the blame game. Stop bringing up the past and scorecard on how she treated you. For cripes sake if she was such an evil bitch why would you just post this?

 

Have you tried holding her, have you tried to tell her that you miss her. That you felt so rejected by her and all you ever wanted was her?

 

Believe me I know how you felt and how you feel she treated you. But you have to be the leader right now.

[Hard2Think]

Yes, yes, yes and yes! I've done and I do all those things - many times! Sometimes she's receptive and other times (like now), she scowls and pushes me away.

 

Have you tried holding her, have you tried to tell her that you miss her. That you felt so rejected by her and all you ever wanted was her?

 

[Hard2Think]

Ok - it's all weird. She's cordial to me, but got all indignant when I reached over to give her a peck on the cheek.

 

Yeah, I know she's mad, I know. But I also think she's just trying to distance herself from me enough emotionally so she can finally divorce me or something.

 

Should I just keep away from her, remain cordial, until she decides what she wants to do? I mean clearly she doesn't give a sh*t how I act with her. I feel like a fool acting like I am now.

[JamesM]

I would lean towards that she is trying to "punish" you to an extent. Also, she has a hard time always being cuddly with you when all that comes to mind is another woman and you doing the same thing.

 

That, my friend, is the roller coaster that you are riding.

[FriendsatLarge]

I have a similar situation. The difference is that I have broken up from my wife about 4 weeks ago, after this thread had started. There was another woman, but not the same situation as you. We were very close and have been for 6 years, we were intimate once. But we both struggle with the fact we are married and that its wrong. I'm 42 too, I left my wife because of many of the same reasons you mentioned, although the sex was actually good. But no intimacy or romance, not much of anything actually. I think the difference is that I still think its the right thing to do, regardless of whether I end up with my OW. She is going though her own issues and she may or may not leave her marriage. I know some of what your OW is going through, because waiting and wondering is horrible, its like a cancer that eats away at you. It makes sane people insane. But i'll do my best to wait, because I love her, and I feel a connection at many different levels, not just a physical one. If its just physical, sorry, but its not really going to work. If you do want a better life, and you don't want your cake and eat it too, then go a head with the divorce. You have to figure some way to move out though, i'm still living with my wife. Separate rooms, but we are both actively looking to find new homes. I'd expect with the next 5 weeks to on my own. You have to be prepared to be on your own!

 

Good luck, I know what a mess this time is! Hang in there!

[TheWife]

Ok - it's all weird. She's cordial to me, but got all indignant when I reached over to give her a peck on the cheek.

 

Yeah, I know she's mad, I know. But I also think she's just trying to distance herself from me enough emotionally so she can finally divorce me or something.

 

Should I just keep away from her, remain cordial, until she decides what she wants to do? I mean clearly she doesn't give a sh*t how I act with her. I feel like a fool acting like I am now.

You don't seem to be getting it, H2T. You seem to expect that she should be over the fact the you did someone else. I know exactly what your W is going through. This is part of the emotional roller coaster or as one would term "daisy picking" of "she loves me, she loves me not; she hates me, she hates me not."

 

Your W is fighting of images (triggers) of you touching the OW the same way, having sex w/the OW, and whatever and everything that you've done to and with your W, you've done it with the OW. That's what she's battling in her mind. That's why she loves you and is affectionate towards you one moment then an emotional wishy washy basket case the next.

 

Walk in her shoes for a moment. Could you touch your W the same way again if you knew she did another guy? C'mon, think about it? The fact that she had sex with you means she's trying!!!

 

Give her a break for crying out loud!

[Guest]

Seriously

 

The others have said that they are pulling out 2x4s but really you are still getting slapped on the wrist. You have no idea of the thoughts running through her head. Case in point:

 

At dinner when the friend mentioned the other husband's affair, I bet you set there and tried to look like the upstanding citizen that you AREN'T. I know not many people would admit to an affair but you probably added your two cents on this guy being a lying cheat. Your wife was thinking WTF! You just cheated on me and you have the nerve to stand in judgement of another? So yeah, she's pissed. What did you expect? Sheeesh! Some people.

 

Then there is the fact that you mentioned that this was your second affair. I can't wait for your wife to catch wind of THAT. I bet that's why you don't want to continue MC. You best believe once that is out in the open and you never volunteered it before, you are toast. TOAST I tell you.

 

The nerve you have to constantly talk bad about your wife as if no one can read between the lines concerning you and all the commitment that you have to working things out.

 

Quite frankly, you broke it so you should fix it. Can't stand to deal with her anger? Then you shouldn't have done something to make her so damn angry.

 

Think for a second. Think for a minute. What would you do if OW came to your house again? Now stop and think about the shock and pain of the first time she did it and your wife didn't even know that you were messing around.

 

That is what is on your wife's mind. Day in and day out. She remembers the night a virtual stranger showed up and ruined her life. She remembers the lies you told to go be with your OW. She remembers the conversation while you were knee deep in the A and debating whether or not you wanted to be with the OW and you asked her for a D. Remember how you portrayed it here: like she just up and said SURE! But when OW showed her a$$, you back peddled and posted that she half-heartedly agreed. Now she knows why you said those things to her. And she is pissed. Who wouldn't be. Do you really think your sh*t does not stink? These are the things that she is thinking and will be until YOU SHOW UP FOR THIS M. Stop blaming her and start owning your sh*t. Cause you are not, no matter how you slice it.

 

Stop looking for a scapegoat. Stop blaming her for things that are in the past. Go to MC b/c it is probably the only thing that will save this M. Do not do what TW said without backup, as in a MC session so that the C can translate for you and she won't go hyper defensive. With all of the things that you have said about your wife here, I still can see that she loves you. But you hurt her to the quick and now you gotta deal with that. Capeesh?

[Hard2Think]

I'll give her all the breaks she wants ..! So what do I do? Do I just keep my distance and give her space until she decides what she wants to do?

 

 

You don't seem to be getting it, H2T. You seem to expect that she should be over the fact the you did someone else. I know exactly what your W is going through. This is part of the emotional roller coaster or as one would term "daisy picking" of "she loves me, she loves me not; she hates me, she hates me not."

 

Your W is fighting of images (triggers) of you touching the OW the same way, having sex w/the OW, and whatever and everything that you've done to and with your W, you've done it with the OW. That's what she's battling in her mind. That's why she loves you and is affectionate towards you one moment then an emotional wishy washy basket case the next.

 

Walk in her shoes for a moment. Could you touch your W the same way again if you knew she did another guy? C'mon, think about it? The fact that she had sex with you means she's trying!!!

 

Give her a break for crying out loud!

[whichwayisup]

Yes. Take that time (when she needs space or you 'feel' she's needing space) to focus on your kids and take care of you. As awful and frustrated as you're feeling, just continuing around the house, picking up after the kids, doing laundry, cooking or cleaning up will make your wife feel better! Even if she doesn't verbalize it, she's thinking it.

 

I know this is hell for you, but try to keep positive. For your own sanity.

[Hard2Think]

Seriously

 

At dinner when the friend mentioned the other husband's affair, I bet you set there and tried to look like the upstanding citizen that you AREN'T. I know not many people would admit to an affair but you probably added your two cents on this guy being a lying cheat. Your wife was thinking WTF! You just cheated on me and you have the nerve to stand in judgement of another? So yeah, she's pissed. What did you expect? Sheeesh! Some people.

 

That never happened ..! But other than that - great point. Thanks.

 

Then there is the fact that you mentioned that this was your second affair. I can't wait for your wife to catch wind of THAT. I bet that's why you don't want to continue MC. You best believe once that is out in the open and you never volunteered it before, you are toast. TOAST I tell you.

 

 

Nope - I'm the one who wants to continue MC. She's the one who's hesitant.