I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't need to start a new thread, those of us who have been following from day one know that he isn't loving the OW anymore.

 

Irony or not, so much information, good advice and some other convo's are going on, to now switch over to a new thread is a pain. This way atleast you can go back and re-read certain posts quickly if need be.

[Hard2Think]

Awesome post, Pixie! Awesome! You DO know what I'm going through. <sigh of relief>.

 

Yes, I desperately want to mend things with my wife. I really do. I love her more than anything and yet I sometimes get angry when I think of what she's done with that love. I also feel very guilty for the pain I've caused her and I wish it would go away for her. I never realized she cared that much. Given how she treated me - I half expected her to be angry in a prideful way - but never heartbroken.

 

Either way - I want us back. I don't want us back the way we were - but I do want us back. I'll do whatever it takes - but it may be out of my hands. She's saying today that she doesn't think she can make this work and that she needs to move on .. but I also know that she's angry and this is her way of dealing with it right now.

 

I'll hang in there unless she asks for the big "D" ..

[Hard2Think]

Ok - so she asked me to move out again for a week or two. So off I go. It's probably better for her anyway not to have me around for the moment..

[Hard2Think]

Ok - then she barged in the room and told me that this just isn't going to work and that she wants a divorce. We had a bit of a discussion and at some point she said that she no longer felt "connected" to me for a long time now.

 

I guess that would explain her treatment of me the last few years.

[UnknowingOW]

H2H,

 

There are two thought to approach this. My 1st would, move out and do the trail separation this could be a few weeks to 1-2 months. It will give you both time to figure out what is happening and you true feelings for each other.

 

2nd thought is, to speak to your counselor ASAP. Your wife may not have felt "connected" to you for a long time, and you didn't feel "connected" either hence the affair. Have you both discussed this in MC?

[Hard2Think]

I just came to a dreadful realization. I'm no f*cking good. And no, this is not me feeling sorry for myself. This is the truth. There is no way in hell she can nor should want to reconcile with me. What I did was the absolute worst, no matter how you cut it.

 

Reconciliation? Who am I kidding? She met the OW at my house! She got handed some awful to read emails. She knows I was physical with her. She knows I lied to her. Who in hell can stay with someone after that??

 

I've decided I may just make things easier for her and leave for good. If I keep trying to make this work - she's going to be going through trauma and resentment for years. She deserves more than that. Maybe she'll meet someone with whom she actually can connect with better than myself.

 

I f*cked up and this is the consequence. I knew it then, I know it now. Period.

[NoIDidn't]

Ok - then she barged in the room and told me that this just isn't going to work and that she wants a divorce. We had a bit of a discussion and at some point she said that she no longer felt "connected" to me for a long time now.

 

I guess that would explain her treatment of me the last few years.

 

Call your therapist for an emergency session ALONE. Tell her/him about your first affair and the timeframe. Get info from your W about when she lost that connected feeling. I am sure that they jibe pretty closely.

 

Your M sounds like it can be saved. But she does not necessarily need to know about the other A, just to know that you are both willing to work on getting that connection back.

 

I am sorry for this turn of events. I hope you all are able to come to terms with something amicably.

[a4a]

well H2T that is kinda amazing that you are seeing it the way she might be.

 

Maybe this is the first step to repairing yourself..... not your M but yourself.

 

But you have to stop assuming what she thinks or wants. You cannot control that nor do you have the right to.

 

Have you told her what you basically just posted..... have you really apologized? Have you told her without holding onto blaming her for the affairs?

 

Time to let your walls down. Regardless of the outcome.

[Guest]

H2T

 

I have been following your thread without response until now.

YOU ARE HUMAN!!!

From what I have read you are a good man and a decent human being.

Yes you screwed up but I will not throw stones, and neither shoud ANYONE....

NO ONE IS PERFECT!! EVERYONE HAS SCREWED UP AT LEAST ONE TIME IN THEIR LIFE!!!

In my opinon you are trying to fix what was wrong on your own. Yes your wife is hurt, and going through a roller coaster ride, but it takes two to make a marriage as well as break it. You have told her major issues that pulled you away from your wife, and it sounds as if it is not a problem for her only for you, and not really interested in fixing it. Sounds as if she only wants to focus on the affair. I could go on and on but the main thing I wanted to post is not to beat yourself up! Everyone deserves to be happy, and life is short. If you are miserable in the situation then remove yourself from it!

(Just next time if you are in a commited relationship do this before involving another person)

Take care okay? I do hope that things work out for you and your wife, however they turn out.

[Hard2Think]

Yes, I've done that. She can't accept my apologies and in fact she gets p*ssed off when I do. Can't say I blame her.

 

I don't give a rat's a** about repairing myself at this point. I just want to stop hurting her.

 

I mean, just read my initial posts in this thread. I can barely read them myself. What was the matter with me? Nobody this universe should ever trust me, much less her.

 

well H2T that is kinda amazing that you are seeing it the way she might be.

 

Maybe this is the first step to repairing yourself..... not your M but yourself.

 

But you have to stop assuming what she thinks or wants. You cannot control that nor do you have the right to.

 

Have you told her what you basically just posted..... have you really apologized? Have you told her without holding onto blaming her for the affairs?

 

Time to let your walls down. Regardless of the outcome.

[a4a]

Yes, I've done that. She can't accept my apologies and in fact she gets p*ssed off when I do. Can't say I blame her.

 

I don't give a rat's a** about repairing myself at this point. I just want to stop hurting her.

 

I mean, just read my initial posts in this thread. I can barely read them myself. What was the matter with me? Nobody this universe should ever trust me, much less her.

 

well your attitude has just done a 180. Have you thought that maybe you were throwing out "I have a good excuse" vibe to her previously when speaking to her?

[Hard2Think]

I have no idea if I was or not. She did ask me what I was thinking at the time and I told her .. but whatever. There is no apology possible for this. I did irrepairable damage - I shot the woman I love in the heart and laughed about it.

 

well your attitude has just done a 180. Have you thought that maybe you were throwing out "I have a good excuse" vibe to her previously when speaking to her?

[whichwayisup]

Then be completely honest with her and tell her what you've said in your last 3 posts.

 

Let me ask, say you two separate for afew months and she wants to try again. Would you be willing or would you just throw in the towel ...

 

Both of you are really emotional right now and she still has alot of healing to do before she can see you with more objectivity in her eyes and mind. Sadly, that takes time. I say, stick with her if you still want this marriage to work. Let her do what she has to do...But insist she go talk to a counsellor on her own. It's good she can talk to friends, but if her friends are influencing her NOT to work it out with you, that's not a good thing. It's NOT their lives and it's not their business to tell her DO this or DO that...She has to make up her own mind without feeling pressured by others.

[a4a]

I have no idea if I was or not. She did ask me what I was thinking at the time and I told her .. but whatever. There is no apology possible for this. I did irrepairable damage - I shot the woman I love in the heart and laughed about it.

 

 

well this is the first step...... my god man you are finally really admitting you did something wrong without blaming your W.

[Hard2Think]

First steps to what? It's over .. I'm unmasked. Done. Time for my wife to figure out what's wrong with her for even staying with me this long. She needs IC more than me for that alone.

 

well this is the first step...... my god man you are finally really admitting you did something wrong without blaming your W.

[a4a]

you are finally taking responsibility for your actions.

[Mz. Pixie]

First steps to what? It's over .. I'm unmasked. Done. Time for my wife to figure out what's wrong with her for even staying with me this long. She needs IC more than me for that alone.

 

Actually, it might not be bad to separate, providing that you don't go out and find someone else to meet your needs.

 

Normally I wouldn't recommend separation but under these circumstances it would give you some time to get some perspective. She will have time to calm down- and really- she might find out how much she misses you.

 

If you move out- still try to date her. Send her some flowers- take her on a few dates. Try to meet some of her needs from a distance- all the while telling her that you love her and want to work on the marriage.

 

Still be a great dad.

 

Get out and get some time for yourself- exercise-take care of you. Keep up your IC. Work on you as well so that no matter what happens you'll be okay.

 

I'm sorry this is not turning out the way you want it to.

[Hard2Think]

I think I'll be doing her more of a favor if I let her move on with her life. I'll always be a great dad, but I'm not a good husband right now.

 

And I'm in no mood to meet someone else at all. I still love my wife and I probably always will. I need not be in a new relationship for a very long while ..

 

Actually, it might not be bad to separate, providing that you don't go out and find someone else to meet your needs.

 

Normally I wouldn't recommend separation but under these circumstances it would give you some time to get some perspective. She will have time to calm down- and really- she might find out how much she misses you.

 

If you move out- still try to date her. Send her some flowers- take her on a few dates. Try to meet some of her needs from a distance- all the while telling her that you love her and want to work on the marriage.

 

Still be a great dad.

 

Get out and get some time for yourself- exercise-take care of you. Keep up your IC. Work on you as well so that no matter what happens you'll be okay.

 

I'm sorry this is not turning out the way you want it to.

[Hard2Think]

I just called her up and told her what I just said here .. and her reply was basically "So in that case .. let's just call it quits". It's pretty much what I expected.

 

And so it goes.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just called her up and told her what I just said here .. and her reply was basically "So in that case .. let's just call it quits". It's pretty much what I expected.

 

And so it goes.

 

 

She really doesn't know what she wants to do, H- she's hurt and lashing out. She thinks divorcing will make it better- but it won't.

[a4a]

my guess is she is not only lashing out but also seeing if you are really going to just throw in the towel....... kinda like when you went to meet her when she took the trip with the kids without you.

[Hard2Think]

Maybe - but there's not much I can really do if she actually wants me to leave ..

 

my guess is she is not only lashing out but also seeing if you are really going to just throw in the towel....... kinda like when you went to meet her when she took the trip with the kids without you.

[MotoMan]

H2T, it sounds like you freaked when your W met the OW. That's normal. Your stress meter just jumped 100%, and your W turned up the heat with her reaction. Seems like you want a D partly to assauge your guilt and partly to stop the madness.

 

Your last post reminded me of something: you can only be responsible for what's in your hands. Now, granted, that may be a lot; but it doesn't include your W's reactions. How she reacts is out of your hands. Remember also, if you want a D, do it because it's what YOU want, not because it's what you think is best for her.

 

a4a had a good point:

"my guess is she is not only lashing out but also seeing if you are really going to just throw in the towel....... kinda like when you went to meet her when she took the trip with the kids without you."

Your w may be testing you. Personally, I hate that as a man because I'd rather be able to take what a woman says at face value and not be expected to read between the lines (because I usually screw that up).

The other question that comes to mind is: have you really hit bottom yet? Has it gotten so bad that you're willing to do anything to have your peace of mind back? Can you deal with future meetings between your W and OW? Lot's to think about, my friend...

[Hard2Think]

Yeah - the D would relieve me of guilt. But mostly, I'm overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I did .. I no longer believe my wife can forgive me.

 

But anyways - I noticed that my wife has suddenly been to bunch of infidelity recovery sites trying to get a handle on this. That's the first time since D-Day. I noticed because I have a proxy server at home that keeps logs (I did this to know where the kids go ..). In any case - that gave me immense hope!

 

So my wife wanted us to go out tonight for dinner - which we did. Even though it was her suggestion - she was standoffish and eventually became angry again.

 

Unfortunately we had a few drinks - and she got downright nasty. I would ordinarily let her vent away - but she started putting words in my mouth ex: "You just liked having your wife at home and have sex with both of us whenever you wanted. You just are sorry you got caught - otherwise you had it made!" She then started sayinghow she doesn't really feel that much for me anymore and that she's only hestating from filing paeprs because of the kids.

 

I unfortunately came right back at her with how she was during the marriage and we rarely had sex and when we did it was far from inspired.

 

We then went to go dancing - and in the car she started saying how she wants a divorce and that we should start with the separation. She also said that she may go f*ck someone else to see what it's like. At that moment I realized that she was using that as a threat to get me to react and maybe beg. She's said that a few times already in the past month. I always begged and asked her to reconsider.

 

It suddenly occured to me how similar this tactic is to what my mother used to do to me when I was 8 or 9 years old. She would get very drunk (she was a severe alcoholic) and continually threaten to get rid of my favorite dog in order to get me to cry and beg her not to. It was sick and in time I realized it. By the time I was 10, I saw through the trick and I stopped reacting like I used to. And the threats stopped.

 

I decided to do the same here. I let her threaten and I even pretended to be ok with it all. Even a little cheerful. "Ok - honey, if that's what you want that' fiiiine by me. Hey check out that car!"

 

After I did that, she seethed for the rest of the night. She went to bed and in a moment of weakness - I leaned over and kissed her on the head. "Don't kiss me!!" she snarled. So I left and came to LS.

 

You all may want to get to Home Depot and haul out some 2x4's ..!

 

H2T, it sounds like you freaked when your W met the OW. That's normal. Your stress meter just jumped 100%, and your W turned up the heat with her reaction. Seems like you want a D partly to assauge your guilt and partly to stop the madness.

 

Your last post reminded me of something: you can only be responsible for what's in your hands. Now, granted, that may be a lot; but it doesn't include your W's reactions. How she reacts is out of your hands. Remember also, if you want a D, do it because it's what YOU want, not because it's what you think is best for her.

 

a4a had a good point:

"my guess is she is not only lashing out but also seeing if you are really going to just throw in the towel....... kinda like when you went to meet her when she took the trip with the kids without you."

 

Your w may be testing you. Personally, I hate that as a man because I'd rather be able to take what a woman says at face value and not be expected to read between the lines (because I usually screw that up).

 

The other question that comes to mind is: have you really hit bottom yet? Has it gotten so bad that you're willing to do anything to have your peace of mind back? Can you deal with future meetings between your W and OW? Lot's to think about, my friend...

[MotoMan]

No, no 2X4's here. Her reaction is normal, and I commend you for seeing the connection to your past and CHOOSING how you reacted to your W. Well done! You took action on the stuff that was in your hands.

 

My W said the same things too, and I told her that if that was what she wanted to do, there wasn't anything I could do about it. Maybe she was testing me, maybe she wanted to feel like she had some power over her situation (which she does, as does your W).

 

That being said, if you call her bluff, you also have to be prepared that she may actually act on what she says (and if she does, that's out of your hands too, remember, concentrate on what's in your hands).

 

I feel for you too, those public displays of nastiness used to really make me uncomfortable. Hang in there!