I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[TheDiva]

Here is a strange idea and I don't know if it will work.

What if you were to start a new thread under a new name telling us all of this and then we could go from here and then she could read it?

Then of course you could come back and post as H2T as well.

I know it sounds crazy but I am trying to help you here H2T even though you think that I have been to hard on you I do care what happens to you and I only want the best for you.

Just an idea.

LH

 

If he leads her here she would probably read around and find him. Some of the details would give it away. Good try though.

 

H2T~ I am glad to see you are still hanging in there. Believe it or not the longer you try the better it will get. The more you understand the easier it will be. Just remember this is a rollercoaster, it may go upside down every now and then so glue your butt to the seat.

[Hard2Think]

Thank you ..

 

Yes I do realize I'm riding a nasty rollercoaster right now. My wife has softened up a bit yesterday, but not all that much. She became her old self again and went on an angry rampage because I had to spend 700 dollars to fix a bad plumbing leak in my dad's old apartment (the water was going into the apt. below). Nothing I could say or do would calm her down. She started saying that the money I spent to meet her that time on vacation was a "damn waste", and so on.

 

It was a mini-reminder of why I was so unhappy with the marriage. It had a sort of minor sobering effect on me since she hasn't done that since D-Day. Sure she's been nasty - but it's been about the A - which I expected. This is the first in a long time where it's been about something minor.

 

That being said, I noticed she was trying to do some nice things for me. She made me tea without me asking. She asked me if I would come to bed when she was there. Those are minor - but they meant alot to me.

 

This morning, in the twighlight of wake/sleep, I have her a kiss on the cheek, which as of late she would ignore. This time she put her arm around me. It was nice, but it felt hesitant.

 

Then we had our morning coffee together out on the deck. She mentioned that she feels like she's in limbo. And she complained of feeling awkward with me now. And she said that I can't expect her to feel the same for me like she did before.

 

So the hardest part of this ride is not so much her anger - it's maintaining my own resolve to see the ride through. I have no desire nor intention of living in a marriage where I won't really be loved by my wife. I'd rather be alone. That's what was killing us to begin with. Whenever I feel that this is what awaits me - then I begin to pull away emotionally like I am now. I realize that this had been excruciatingly hard on her, and maybe even if we were to reconcile, I fear that I'll be back in the same old marriage, except with even more diminished regard from my wife because I had an A. That, for me, is simply not worth it.

 

In any case - we're seeing the MC this afternoon.

 

 

If he leads her here she would probably read around and find him. Some of the details would give it away. Good try though.

 

H2T~ I am glad to see you are still hanging in there. Believe it or not the longer you try the better it will get. The more you understand the easier it will be. Just remember this is a rollercoaster, it may go upside down every now and then so glue your butt to the seat.

[Guest]

I've been following this post for a while now, and have refrained from responding. To be honest, your posts are all about how YOU feel and how she feels about YOU. If you really love your wife and want to show her that she can trust you again, you'd do everything you can to convince her.

[Mz. Pixie]

That being said, I noticed she was trying to do some nice things for me. She made me tea without me asking. She asked me if I would come to bed when she was there. Those are minor - but they meant alot to me.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think they are minor.

 

Your wife strikes me as someone who has alot of pride. Perhaps has even crafted for herself this image of perfection- perfect wife, perfect mom- perfect husband- doesn't work- exercises all the time etc- perfect home- nice vacations. She has ALOT of pride. Even though you know things were far from perfect at your home, this is the image she has created and has tried to keep up all these years. She doesn't want the truth to distract from that image.

 

She is pushing away because deep down inside she doesn't want to admit that part of this is her fault. Then she pulls towards because she doesn't want to lose you.

 

It may take a while to break her but with her making some type of loving gestures towards you I don't think it's hopeless.

 

If she admits part of this is her fault- then in her mind she wasn't the perfect wife- etc- which may be why she's so stubborn. Do you see what I'm saying??

[Hard2Think]

Yes, I do know what you're saying. I think there's alot of truth to that. At least I hope there is.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think they are minor.

 

Your wife strikes me as someone who has alot of pride. Perhaps has even crafted for herself this image of perfection- perfect wife, perfect mom- perfect husband- doesn't work- exercises all the time etc- perfect home- nice vacations. She has ALOT of pride. Even though you know things were far from perfect at your home, this is the image she has created and has tried to keep up all these years. She doesn't want the truth to distract from that image.

 

She is pushing away because deep down inside she doesn't want to admit that part of this is her fault. Then she pulls towards because she doesn't want to lose you.

 

It may take a while to break her but with her making some type of loving gestures towards you I don't think it's hopeless.

 

If she admits part of this is her fault- then in her mind she wasn't the perfect wife- etc- which may be why she's so stubborn. Do you see what I'm saying??

[KrisMuseumGirl]

You poor guy! I'm hoping that you wanted to end things with your wife even if the OW did not exist because if you ended it FOR the OW, she is showing no appreciation or understanding of what you're going through. Divorce is h*ll and if the OW does not see that, I would be worried you're about to enter into a world of nagging, complaining and having to console a spoiled little brat! Please think about what you are doing and be sure that you want your wife gone even if you are left alone. If so, then you are divorcing for the right reasons. If the OW gives you a hard time, then I would wonder just how much she actually loves you. Instead of considering the financial loss, the break up of two families, the devastation of the kids etc., she still finds something to cause stress over. She should be HELPING you not adding to your pain. If she loves you, she will always be there for you - but at this point I would wonder. I would also want answers from her about everything I stated above. I would want to know "why are you doing this to me...?"

[Hard2Think]

Thanks. But alot has happened in this thread since then

 

You poor guy! I'm hoping that you wanted to end things with your wife even if the OW did not exist because if you ended it FOR the OW, she is showing no appreciation or understanding of what you're going through. Divorce is h*ll and if the OW does not see that, I would be worried you're about to enter into a world of nagging, complaining and having to console a spoiled little brat! Please think about what you are doing and be sure that you want your wife gone even if you are left alone. If so, then you are divorcing for the right reasons. If the OW gives you a hard time, then I would wonder just how much she actually loves you. Instead of considering the financial loss, the break up of two families, the devastation of the kids etc., she still finds something to cause stress over. She should be HELPING you not adding to your pain. If she loves you, she will always be there for you - but at this point I would wonder. I would also want answers from her about everything I stated above. I would want to know "why are you doing this to me...?"

[whichwayisup]

Thank you ..

 

Yes I do realize I'm riding a nasty rollercoaster right now. My wife has softened up a bit yesterday, but not all that much. She became her old self again and went on an angry rampage because I had to spend 700 dollars to fix a bad plumbing leak in my dad's old apartment (the water was going into the apt. below). Nothing I could say or do would calm her down. She started saying that the money I spent to meet her that time on vacation was a "damn waste", and so on.

 

It was a mini-reminder of why I was so unhappy with the marriage. It had a sort of minor sobering effect on me since she hasn't done that since D-Day. Sure she's been nasty - but it's been about the A - which I expected. This is the first in a long time where it's been about something minor.

 

That being said, I noticed she was trying to do some nice things for me. She made me tea without me asking. She asked me if I would come to bed when she was there. Those are minor - but they meant alot to me.

 

This morning, in the twighlight of wake/sleep, I have her a kiss on the cheek, which as of late she would ignore. This time she put her arm around me. It was nice, but it felt hesitant.

 

Then we had our morning coffee together out on the deck. She mentioned that she feels like she's in limbo. And she complained of feeling awkward with me now. And she said that I can't expect her to feel the same for me like she did before.

 

So the hardest part of this ride is not so much her anger - it's maintaining my own resolve to see the ride through. I have no desire nor intention of living in a marriage where I won't really be loved by my wife. I'd rather be alone. That's what was killing us to begin with. Whenever I feel that this is what awaits me - then I begin to pull away emotionally like I am now. I realize that this had been excruciatingly hard on her, and maybe even if we were to reconcile, I fear that I'll be back in the same old marriage, except with even more diminished regard from my wife because I had an A. That, for me, is simply not worth it.

 

In any case - we're seeing the MC this afternoon.

 

Your affairs was a symptom of the problems in the marriage. Even if you hadn't had those affairs, the problems would still exist...Yes?

 

I honestly don't know how your dynamtic will be in the future, all you can do is try your best, let the MC guide you both. Be honest, talk, listen eachother. Not "hear" what you 'think' she is saying (and hopefully she'll do the same for you, really 'listen' to your words and understand) but really put yourself in her shoes...Doing that will help you both grasp the issues at hand (more than just the affair, but the actual issues she has) and fix them.

 

She asked me if I would come to bed when she was there. Those are minor - but they meant alot to me.

 

Make sure she knows how much you appreciate the little things she does and how much it means to you. Those little things are HUGE and can be built upon.

[veronese]

When your W asked if you missed the OW, "no" may well have been an honest answer, but it wasn't the "right" answer.

 

What your wife would have preferred to hear you say would have been:

 

"No, I don't miss the OW whatsoever. I haven't missed her since at all since the night she came here. In fact it surprised me that any feelings I had for her disappeared that night and have never returned to this day.

 

I think the prospect of losing you brought me back to my senses with a jolt and my feelings, or in truth, lack of feelings for the OW suddenly became very clear to me. All I could feel was love for you which was so overwhelming I realised what a fool I was to have risked so much for so little.

 

I do think about OW from time to time I admit, I wonder if we've seen the last of her occassionally. Sometimes I wonder if she's OK too because I didn't mean to hurt her either but did nevertheless. That doesn't mean I'm concerned for her, only that I regret being the cause of her pain too.

 

My relationship with the OW has shown me that I have issues of my own to deal with. Yes I was flattered by her attention and affection. It went to my head and felt good. I was as much to blame for the affair as I now see that to receive her compliments and flattery, I made her feel good about herself too. I should have been giving you that attention.

 

I don't miss OW, she's not important to me. You are]

 

I'm ashamed at myself, I wish I could change the past but I can't. I hope I can change the future though.".[/i

 

Giving your wife the barest minimum of information may seem like a good idea but believe me, it isn't. We BWs need you to tell us the details without us having to drag them out of you painfully.

 

The other thing that annoys us is when a few weeks pass and things seem a bit better, but it's only because we haven't brought up the subject during that time and there's no chance you men will mention it volunarily is there?

 

But it annoys us wives that our husbands appear to believe that all is well in the garden just because we haven't brought it up. It isn't alright. Things aren't resolved, and by not mentioning the subject you guys piss us off even more! Why should it always be us? We know it isn't a fun topic but it has to be discussed and don't want to always be the ones to bring it up again.

 

Anyway H2H, I know I've been hard on you but I also admire your perseverance and determination not to give up on this. You've put more effort into trying to find answers to your problems than many other husbands in your sitch, my H included, and for that I truly commend you.

 

It's been two and a half years since my DDAy and we're still together, just, but it's been a painful journey for both of us.

 

Your journey has just begun H2H but if you want it to work you may well succeed. Read over some of my old threads and you'll get an idea of what you're in for.

 

I do wish you luck H2H. I wish my H had cared as much as you seem to .

 

veronese

[Hard2Think]

Thanks Veronese ,

 

I actually have told her all those things - in different words (yours are well put), of course, but the exact same things nonetheless. I just said "OK" that one time because it was dark and for some reason we were whispering.

 

But I've been totally forthcoming with my answers to her. As of late, and thanks in large part to LadyJane's idea, I've started to let her know how I feel about things from time to time.

 

Thanks for your kind words also ..

[Hard2Think]

Went to MC yesterday. This would be our second joint visit since we each also had an individual visit with the same MC as part of his program.

 

I feel incredibly lucky to have landed this guy as our MC. He cut right to the heart of the matter pretty quickly which wss pretty hard to do considering my wife came in hell bent to cut me to pieces.

 

She started with how much she resents me, how she'll never trust me, and how now she has to think that every time we have a problem, I'll go and sleep around. She went on like that for about 5 minutes. The MC listened and then pointed out that she herself has understood the correlation between a crappy marriage and the increasing odds of infidelity. So that being the case, why not look and see where we can fix the marriage? I think that was a major turning point for her ..

 

She complained about how angry she was at me because I was being so nice to her and yet she felt that I was just doing this out of contrition. So he said "So he can't win. If he's not nice, you'll be mad at him for that. And when he goes out of his way to be nice to you, you're also mad at him. Where does he go from there?" Altough he had to repeat that one twice, that also was a revelation for her.

 

Throughout the whole session he managed to keep A as an imortant factor to deal with but he did that without letting that become the focus. He said this was a symptom than is cured by resolving the root causes. And he focused on that.

 

She went back to her anger and how she said she can't get over it. She said she can't stand having me touch her. He assured her that yes she will get over her anger in time. In fact, he said, the anger and how long she holds on to it is entirely up to her. But he also warned that if she holds on to the anger for too long, the relationship could be irretrievably over by the time she decides let that anger go. I think that shocked her into realizing that there is a clock ticking and that the relationship may be over because we waited too long to work on it.

 

It was interesting that she acknowledged the fact that for years, I had been trying to talk to her about the lack of sex, intimacy, and affection. And she even admitted not doing anything about it. I'll give her that she's honest, even if the answers she gives don't make her position look too favorable. I think that her saying this made her realize what I may have been going through. Through his conversation with her about that - I think she realized how bad things had become.

 

One thing that was funny is that at the end of the session he thanked her for coming in, because he knew she wasn't going to at some point. And she said "He's damn lucky I came". He sort of stared at her, stupefied and said was about to say something but instead said, "Ok .. I'll just leave it at that."

 

We left the session in a very positive note. She told me she really likes this MC, and we sheduled another session next week. She's been awfully nice to me since then. So at least for now, the rollercoaster ride is on the upswing .. I still haven't loosened my seatbelts yet, though.

[JamesM]

Excellent. H2T, I hope this MC helps.

 

I wonder what your wife's analysis of the MC session would be.

[Hard2Think]

I don't know for sure. But as we drove off, she said "He makes alot of sense". And she's been talking the reconciliation language since then.

 

Other than that, I can only read from her actions what she thought ..

 

Excellent. H2T, I hope this MC helps.

 

I wonder what your wife's analysis of the MC session would be.

[Mz. Pixie]

Throughout the whole session he managed to keep A as an imortant factor to deal with but he did that without letting that become the focus. He said this was a symptom than is cured by resolving the root causes. And he focused on that.

 

 

This was the BEST thing that he could have said!! Sounds like you have an awesome counselor!!!

 

This may be the turning point.

[Hard2Think]

False alarm .. she's all sour again today Yesterday must have been the post MC high, I guess.

[NoIDidn't]

False alarm .. she's all sour again today Yesterday must have been the post MC high, I guess.

 

No she's just realizing that the MC spent a lot of time trying to get her to let go of her anger, but didn't make her feel like she was justified in having it. Your W has her own gripes about your M that you probably don't know about. Not saying that her gripes will even make sense when they come out, but they will be there.

 

Fact is, she had gripes, but chose not to cheat. You have spent a lot of time talking about how horrible she has treated you, but you haven't done any major self-introspection. You asked me what I did in my M, and when I told you my part - it was ignored. Did you just want to see if I had did my own homework?

 

Anyway, hopefully you will do some personal reflection as I doubt you have been the perfect H (as no H is, I might add - not a dig on you). MC is as much a part of the rollercoaster as a part of the solution. Stop expecting the MC to fix her, and thus fix your M. You need to fix YOU too, if you want to fix your M. The problems in your M were not created by just her. Own your part in them and you just fixed 25%.

[Hard2Think]

NoIdidn't,

 

I'm not saying I was the perfect H. I am saying that I wasn't given any criticism of me by W even though I asked. And trust me when I tell you she's not shy about hurting my feelings.

 

So if I don't know what her gripes are - then what do I improve? Who knows, maybe she's just not attracted to me anymore or something.

 

And the MC was very careful not to minimize the legitimacy of her feelings. He simply assured her that in spite of what she thinks now, she will eventually get rid of that anger. The when is up to her.

[Owl]

Why not ASK her what her gripes (besides the A) are about you?

 

How about going over to the marriagebuilders website and pulling up the emotional needs questionnaire and working through that with her.

 

Besides that, I'd suggest you realize that her anger at you at this point is JUSTIFIED by your affair. She's hurt beyond anything you're likely capable of imagining, and at this point this is how she's showing it.

 

I'd suggest working with the MC to find a way to have her work through that anger that isn't detrmintal to the marriage. At the same time, you need to recognize that it's there, and it needs to be dealt with.

 

Your MC sounds decent overall. I'd also suggest that you both start doing some external reading to understand what's going on as a result of your affair, and ways to improve the situation. "His Needs, Her Needs" is a great start, as is "Surviving an Affair". Also "The Five Love Languages" can help you understand where some of the disconnects might be in your marriage and how to fix them. Last, a simple read with a lot of great informaiton in it is "20 (suprisingly simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" was one of the books that helped my wife and I recover from her affair.

 

Realize that the damage from infidelity takes a LONG time to heal from. Most experts agree that two years is a MINIMUM for couples that actively work to repair their marriage. Most take longer.

 

SHE needs to learn what led to the affair, how it worked, and how to rebuild her trust in you and rebuild her self-confidence as well.

 

YOU need to learn what led to the affair, how to take ownership of the affair, and what steps you can do to both prevent it from happening again and how to help her heal from the sheer HE!! she's in now as a result of it.

 

You can recover...but it's going to take WORK. I've been through this myself...my wife and I are 2 1/2 years into it now.

[Ladyjane14]

False alarm .. she's all sour again today Yesterday must have been the post MC high, I guess.

 

Just keep breathing, fella.

One day at a time for right now. Just remember that every day brings you the opportunity to put one more drop in the bucket.

 

Don't forget... to curb yourself from 'feeling her feelings with her' over the weekend. You can be supportive without absorbing. All you have to do is to RECOGNIZE the emotions when she shares them. It's okay to notice them... i.e. "You seem sad, or you seem upset. You wanna talk? Can I help?"

 

You don't have to experience your wife's emotions with her though, and you don't have to protect her from them. You only just 'recognize'. She's a big girlm so give her credit. She can handle her own feelings.

[Hard2Think]

Ahhhh .. thanks LadyJane - I needed that!

 

Things are better today. I know she's trying and we've had some good discussions lately. But I think some habits are hard to break ..

 

She's been talking about the fact that we need to spend more time together to reconnect. But every time I try to find a slot - she always has something going on. I even suggested I take off of work early so we can catch a matinee for a movie we boith want to see. But she said she "hates matinees"

 

But she did suggest that we go out for a couple of drinks tonight at the local tavern that has a band playing. Great idea. She's throwing a "kitchen party" tomorrow night for the neighbors and friends to celebrate the completion of our newly remodeled kitchen. So tonight was the only night.

 

But wouldn't you know that a couple of her girlfriends call a couple of hours before we were supposed to go out. They had been out shopping and wanted to drop by. She said "OK" and offered to order in for all of us.

 

I guess it was assumed that our date was off. I said "So I guess we're not going out, then?" and she replied, sounding surprised as though she had forgotten,

 

"Oh .. that's right. Well, maybe next week then".

 

So the "girls" are here and what's so stupid is that they're going to be here tomorrow anyway. I'm not angry or anything - but I have to wonder if anything is ever going to change.

 

 

Just keep breathing, fella.

One day at a time for right now. Just remember that every day brings you the opportunity to put one more drop in the bucket.

 

Don't forget... to curb yourself from 'feeling her feelings with her' over the weekend. You can be supportive without absorbing. All you have to do is to RECOGNIZE the emotions when she shares them. It's okay to notice them... i.e. "You seem sad, or you seem upset. You wanna talk? Can I help?"

 

You don't have to experience your wife's emotions with her though, and you don't have to protect her from them. You only just 'recognize'. She's a big girlm so give her credit. She can handle her own feelings.

[bunset]

Ahhhh .. thanks LadyJane - I needed that!

 

Things are better today. I know she's trying and we've had some good discussions lately. But I think some habits are hard to break ..

 

She's been talking about the fact that we need to spend more time together to reconnect. But every time I try to find a slot - she always has something going on. I even suggested I take off of work early so we can catch a matinee for a movie we boith want to see. But she said she "hates matinees"

 

But she did suggest that we go out for a couple of drinks tonight at the local tavern that has a band playing. Great idea. She's throwing a "kitchen party" tomorrow night for the neighbors and friends to celebrate the completion of our newly remodeled kitchen. So tonight was the only night.

OK, I think this is a good sign, that she offered an alternate plan after turning down your suggestion.

But wouldn't you know that a couple of her girlfriends call a couple of hours before we were supposed to go out. They had been out shopping and wanted to drop by. She said "OK" and offered to order in for all of us.

 

I guess it was assumed that our date was off. I said "So I guess we're not going out, then?" and she replied, sounding surprised as though she had forgotten,

 

"Oh .. that's right. Well, maybe next week then".

 

So the "girls" are here and what's so stupid is that they're going to be here tomorrow anyway. I'm not angry or anything - but I have to wonder if anything is ever going to change.

Yes, I can thoroughly understand this...

To make a long (very long) story short...

I am a WS. Been married nearly 16 years, had a short A w/a MM that officially ended 3 months ago. I revealed it to my H in order to speed up/facilitate the end of our M. We've been in MC and IC for 2 months.

Our current reconciliation is very similar to your situation.

We had a re-lapse, if you will... Last weekend, we fell into our old ways and I felt no hope for my efforts and punctuated that hopelessness with swallowing a large number of prescription pills. My H called 911 and I was hospitalized. I'm home, and we're still working at it.

Yesterday at MC, our counselor told us that he feels we will make it, eventually. He sees how agressive we are at understanding and expressing our individual needs and how willing we now are to do the same for each other. This is absolutely NOT pretty.

The very day I was released from the hospital, my BS/Husband 'broke into' one of my online accounts and found a PM that I sent to my xMM as a cordial and platonic birthday greeting. The PM was a violation of our understanding. Fair enough that he's angry. But irrelevant to how I feel about him. I accepted the 'blame' and expressed that I'm still working on the M. Then, just the night before MC, he stomped out of the house, went to his friend's computer and tracked me back to LS (it's been nearly 2 months since I've posted here), 'figured out' my member name and read all my posts in the OW forum. Those posts were honest expressions of my attitude about my M and my A. He called me to ask questions about them and how hurt he was by the posts. I pointed out how old they were and that they were not really meant for him to read.

Now- here's the part that's important- I asked "Now that you're hurt and wounded, again, will you please come home and talk to me about these things face-to-face?" He did, and I stated my position, as he did his. We both acknowledged that we heard the other and could empathize, but maybe did not agree. Things were frosty until counseling, yesterday.

The counselor explained to my H that what he read was past and even pre-MC. If my H continued to look in the past he would be well-rewarded with whatever unpleasantness he sought, because clearly I had done wrong. Then the MC looked at me and asked if I would care to list all of the things that my H had done in the past that caused me hurt, as a fair trade. I just flat-out stated "No, if I do that, I might not want to keep sitting here. I'd rather move forward." Then I reminded my H that our M was like a house, and we both had already succeeded in knocking down walls and vandalizing it. But, at this time, I don't want to run a bulldozer through it, just clear out the rubble and start remodeling.

Both my H and MC laughed and 'got it'.

Anyway, I'm trying to tell you that until both you and your W see M re-building as a task for you to work on as a team, the process may not move forward. You may have to be prepared to live in your tattered rooms until it does.

Only when you both can view your problems as just obstacles/pieces of rubble and not part the person that put them there, you won't be able to clean them up without eliminating the person.

 

I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I struggle with ADHD and only hope that you can see some parallel to your situation and can use my views as tools for your task.

[Hard2Think]

Bunset,

 

Thanks for your post. No, you were not rambling - I appreciate very much hearing about the fac that an R is is the works in a situation that I can relate to. Thanks again.

[lighthouse]

H2T -

Why is it that you ignore some of us who tell you what you don't want to hear? No one (to my knowledge) is out to get you yet you refuse to understand that. I am glad that you found some friends here that are, as you see it, "on your side" but that doesn't mean that the rest of us don't have things to say that you need to hear.

Open your ears - or rather eyes as this is all on the internet - and listen to everything - not just what you want to hear. We have all been in different situations and have different perspectives and, whether you believe it or not, they are valid.

However, I thought that you were just ignoring me whereas it appears you are ignoring other people as well.

Sad,

LH

[Ladyjane14]

Good post, Bunset. I think it really highlights how important MUTUAL understanding and forgiveness are in recovering a relationship.

 

The process is MESSY, H2T.

We see the chaos in Bunset's post, but we also see an underlying current of striving toward "mutual understanding and forgiveness" in her example. Yeah... there's still alot of unpleasantness going on and alot of drama, but also progress in rudimentary teamwork.

 

The fact that your wife hasn't really committed herself to getting on board and working with you, doesn't mean that she won't ever do so. The glass is still half-full.

 

Jump back in and set up another date with her. In the meantime, is there something you both enjoy doing that would have you spending more time together at home? My husband an I made time for each other almost daily by playing cards. It was a companionable activity, and there wasn't any pressure to talk about the relationship if we didn't feel like it.

[bunset]

H2T,

 

H and I are taking line dancing lessons. We're going to try for partner/2-step lessons to bring us physically closer... to learn to communicate and get in sync.

Don't despair over your W difficulties.

It's of utmost importance to work on yours.

The fact that she is not 'gone' is a major plus.

Keep trying to learn her "Love Language". I bet, in the process, you'll learn your own and be better able to teach it to her.

It is a proven fact... if you behave in a loving manner toward her, you will feel loving and she will respond.

It is important for you to know that it is very likely that she is aware of at least some of the issues in your M that she is responsible for, and it hurts to know her faults. There are very few of us who intend to hurt our loved ones and we feel pain when we know that we have... Her pain may be expressed as anger toward you.

If you can learn to help her deal with that pain in a loving and positive manner, you'll score many, many points toward redemption.