I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

That's a great thought - keeps me going .. thanks!

 

H2T,

 

H and I are taking line dancing lessons. We're going to try for partner/2-step lessons to bring us physically closer... to learn to communicate and get in sync.

Don't despair over your W difficulties.

It's of utmost importance to work on yours.

The fact that she is not 'gone' is a major plus.

Keep trying to learn her "Love Language". I bet, in the process, you'll learn your own and be better able to teach it to her.

It is a proven fact... if you behave in a loving manner toward her, you will feel loving and she will respond.

It is important for you to know that it is very likely that she is aware of at least some of the issues in your M that she is responsible for, and it hurts to know her faults. There are very few of us who intend to hurt our loved ones and we feel pain when we know that we have... Her pain may be expressed as anger toward you.

If you can learn to help her deal with that pain in a loving and positive manner, you'll score many, many points toward redemption.

[Hard2Think]

We having a little party at our place this evening and so I decided to call two of my wife's friends that are coming to the party tonight. My wife had confided the A to them ...

 

I kept the conversation short - but essentially I said that I know they're aware of what happened and I wanted them to know that I was wrong and the A was not my wife's fault and that I'm working hard to try to make it up to her and to make our marriage work. I added that my wife is nobody's fool and so she's still making up her mind as to what to do. The fool is me and I'm the one who needs to make amends. So I told them that I'm glad they're coming tonight and I hope that they feel just as comfortable coming over as they always have in the past ..

 

They were both very nice and sounded very supportive. They both invited me to call them anytime I needed to talk about it. I certainly will never do that, but it was nice of them to offer. I ended the conversations with each very quickly.

 

I'm hoping that this will al least, if nothing else, help my wife feel less "foolish" in front of her friends.

[TheDiva]

This is a good thing. It shows the friends that you are human and thinking of W's feelings. Being vulnerable is not a bad thing, and it will help them to empathize with you more. Her friends encouraged her to leave you because they see you as a "cheating dog". The more you show that you are human, messed up, and want to make it better, the more likely they will root for you!

 

Nice work!

[whichwayisup]

They both invited me to call them anytime I needed to talk about it. I certainly will never do that, but it was nice of them to offer. I ended the conversations with each very quickly.

 

It's kind of interesting that they both offered to listen if you needed to talk. Good and bad...But even better that you won't, just because those two women are your wife's support buddies and you talking to them kind of makes them pick sides or get abit too involved...The less you say, the better and you handled those conversations perfectly...

[bunset]

We having a little party at our place this evening and so I decided to call two of my wife's friends that are coming to the party tonight. My wife had confided the A to them ...

 

I kept the conversation short - but essentially I said that I know they're aware of what happened and I wanted them to know that I was wrong and the A was not my wife's fault and that I'm working hard to try to make it up to her and to make our marriage work. I added that my wife is nobody's fool and so she's still making up her mind as to what to do. The fool is me and I'm the one who needs to make amends. So I told them that I'm glad they're coming tonight and I hope that they feel just as comfortable coming over as they always have in the past ..

 

They were both very nice and sounded very supportive. They both invited me to call them anytime I needed to talk about it. I certainly will never do that, but it was nice of them to offer. I ended the conversations with each very quickly.

 

I'm hoping that this will al least, if nothing else, help my wife feel less "foolish" in front of her friends.

I think that was great!

I haven't had the courage to speak directly with friends that know about my A. But, last night I went to a gathering with my H with many of them, and showed my H affection and respect, in their presence. Just about every one of them quietly told me that they were happy to see us together. Then, when we left, my H thanked me for showing him and everyone else that he was worthy of my efforts and attention. I let him know that, really, I felt the same way. I appreciated his display of dignity and his desire to let everyone know that we're working together, as well as just wanting to be with me.

I think it helped our friends, too.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks for your comments, folks. I guess I wasn't 100% sure it was the right thing I did - right after I did it. But after reading your comments, I put those doubts aside ..

 

The party went great. Everybody had a blast and it went on until 2 AM. I did a large amount of the work to prep and to clean up and during. Admitedly, I would have probably slacked a bit in the past since I hate doing it. But this time - I was "super-host".

 

I told my wife before the party that I had spoken to her friends and I let her know what I said. She seemed surprised - but she was smiling.The two ladies I had spoken to were perfectly friendly and warm with both of us.

 

After the party, my wife has had a complete turn-around and has been very loving towards me. I'm not sure what exactly triggered this (although I have an idea, as you probably do, too), but I'm not complaining. I'll just enjoy this part of the ride while it lasts

[Ladyjane14]

After the party, my wife has had a complete turn-around and has been very loving towards me. I'm not sure what exactly triggered this (although I have an idea, as you probably do, too), but I'm not complaining. I'll just enjoy this part of the ride while it lasts

 

You took "ownership" of your previous actions, helped her out with the party, and put her friends at ease... even though it was difficult for you. :bunny:

 

Good job!

 

You're not out of the woods yet... but EVERY DAY brings you the opportunity to put another drop in the bucket.

[a4a]

Wow..... I am impressed. Good move and I am sure it came from your heart.

 

[Hard2Think]

Thanks LJ and A4A.

 

It did come from the heart. But my real motivation was to take away the feeling of embarassment and loss of face she may have had in front of her friends.

 

I figured if I let them know that 1) I'm sorry as hell for what I did 2) It's not her fault 3) She's no fool, and 4) I'm prostrating myself to get her back - then in her friends' eyes, she'll seem more in control and my wife won't feel foolish that she's still with me.

 

Something like that, anyways.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks LJ and A4A.

 

It did come from the heart. But my real motivation was to take away the feeling of embarassment and loss of face she may have had in front of her friends.

 

I figured if I let them know that 1) I'm sorry as hell for what I did 2) It's not her fault 3) She's no fool, and 4) I'm prostrating myself to get her back - then in her friends' eyes, she'll seem more in control and my wife won't feel foolish that she's still with me.

 

Something like that, anyways.

 

Those are GOOD reasons, and not something which could be viewed as self-serving. Your wife gets to see you put her needs ahead of your own... and do it in a way that's completely unprompted. That's great stuff there, H2T.

[Mz. Pixie]

You took "ownership" of your previous actions, helped her out with the party, and put her friends at ease... even though it was difficult for you. :bunny:

 

Good job!

 

You're not out of the woods yet... but EVERY DAY brings you the opportunity to put another drop in the bucket.

 

Whoa! I agree that was a GREAT MOVE!!!

 

I'm sure she's embarrassed with her friends- and they are probably going to tell her- which is going to make her feel good!

[Hard2Think]

So far, everything seems rather stable. She's brought up the A a couple of times only, and without too much anger (some, but not too much). We've had great sex the other night, for the first time in 3 weeks.

 

I know we're not out of the woods yet - but at least things seem to be less frantic. She started planning an overnight hotel stay just her and I for the night on our anniversary coming up ..

 

Although she hasn't come out and actually said it in so many words, she has told me in her own way that she's switched to reconciliation mode with me.

 

I have to admit that I have been unpleasantly reminded of our pre-A life a few times. I mean I see my wife reverting back to old behaviors again. She's becoming unavailable to me much anymore and seems to spend all her time with her job, friends, and whatnot, leaving her tired and cranky by 8:30 PM. Conversations now revolve around money, the new deck, the pavers she wants, bla bla. The same deal as before. I've said nothing so far because of the circumstances I caused, but I get worried at times .. I'm going to have to bring that up sometime, though.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, marriage counseling is a good place to air those grievances once the marriage is back on a strong foot.

[Hard2Think]

Looks like I spoke too soon again ..

 

I have a question .. is there anything I can say or do when my wife is in angry mode and says that she doesn't trust me and she "knows" I'll do this again? Is there anything I can do to help her feel better?

[a4a]

So far, everything seems rather stable. She's brought up the A a couple of times only, and without too much anger (some, but not too much). We've had great sex the other night, for the first time in 3 weeks.

 

I know we're not out of the woods yet - but at least things seem to be less frantic. She started planning an overnight hotel stay just her and I for the night on our anniversary coming up ..

 

Although she hasn't come out and actually said it in so many words, she has told me in her own way that she's switched to reconciliation mode with me.

 

I have to admit that I have been unpleasantly reminded of our pre-A life a few times. I mean I see my wife reverting back to old behaviors again. She's becoming unavailable to me much anymore and seems to spend all her time with her job, friends, and whatnot, leaving her tired and cranky by 8:30 PM. Conversations now revolve around money, the new deck, the pavers she wants, bla bla. The same deal as before. I've said nothing so far because of the circumstances I caused, but I get worried at times .. I'm going to have to bring that up sometime, though.

 

Well I don't know but it seems as both of you are avoiding confrontation.....again.... she turns towards her job/buying crap/goals for herself and you turn towards other women.

 

Maybe ask your MC about this and see what the best way to get her and you to actually face the issue without blowing up would be.

[Hard2Think]

I don't know that I avoided confrontation so much. I talked to her a thousand times about the problem we were having. I guess I could have initiated a divorce and maybe that would have driven the point home - or maybe not.

 

I may be missing something - but I don't even see my turning to other women in the same league as her buying crap and getting involved with her friends. Mine is far moe drastic and thus easier to point to.

 

Her behaviour is very nebulous and doesn't violate any rules per se.

 

And for the record - I'm not turning to any other women again - ever.

 

Well I don't know but it seems as both of you are avoiding confrontation.....again.... she turns towards her job/buying crap/goals for herself and you turn towards other women.

 

Maybe ask your MC about this and see what the best way to get her and you to actually face the issue without blowing up would be.

[a4a]

I don't know that I avoided confrontation so much. I talked to her a thousand times about the problem we were having. I guess I could have initiated a divorce and maybe that would have driven the point home - or maybe not.

 

I may be missing something - but I don't even see my turning to other women in the same league as her buying crap and getting involved with her friends. Mine is far moe drastic and thus easier to point to.

 

Her behaviour is very nebulous and doesn't violate any rules per se.

 

 

yes very passive aggressive (or nonconfrontational yet hurtful)..... so would have been yours if you did not get caught.

 

You talked to her a lot but still had affairs.... I would have probably threatened her with divorce long ago if she did not attend MC or seek some sort of help....but that is here nor there for you.

 

In a short time I think you will and should put your expectations clearly on the table for her to learn about and understand. Your MC probably has a better feel for when the timing is appropriate.

[Mz. Pixie]

You talked to her a lot but still had affairs.... I would have probably threatened her with divorce long ago if she did not attend MC or seek some sort of help....but that is here nor there for you.

 

 

 

True. As far as what to say to her when she's angry?? All you can really do is say "Yes honey, I'm a real D*ck for doing this to you- but I'm committed to our marriage and working on it and doing whatever it takes to mend things with you. I intend to be faithful to you no matter what. I don't want to lose you. I understand that you do not trust me- but I hope in time I can earn that trust"

[Hard2Think]

Thank you - ! I did say that to her an hour ago .. but she's so mad that she replies "I don't want to hear it!" and "Sure .. what else are you gonna say?".

 

Ugh.

 

True. As far as what to say to her when she's angry?? All you can really do is say "Yes honey, I'm a real D*ck for doing this to you- but I'm committed to our marriage and working on it and doing whatever it takes to mend things with you. I intend to be faithful to you no matter what. I don't want to lose you. I understand that you do not trust me- but I hope in time I can earn that trust"

[Ladyjane14]

Looks like I spoke too soon again ..

 

I have a question .. is there anything I can say or do when my wife is in angry mode and says that she doesn't trust me and she "knows" I'll do this again? Is there anything I can do to help her feel better?

 

I'm just thinking out-loud here, H2T.... but I don't think she's going to believe that you won't cheat on her again until she accepts the idea that she, herself, is POWERFUL in the relationship. She really does have the ability to control, at least to a point, how satisfactory the marriage is for both of you. I just don't think she realizes it yet.

 

Unfortunately.... if she accepts the idea that she's a powerful person, she must also accept that she had a role in the unsatisfactory state of the marriage before the adultery ocurred. Back then, she wasn't using her "power" in a positive way.

 

Of course, you alone bear responsibility for the actual adultery, but you are only 50% responsible for the poor state of affairs previous to it. The other 50% is HERS to claim. She's not ready to do that, and I don't have any method available to share with you that will MAKE her see it.

 

She's shooting herself in the foot though by choosing NOT to, because it leaves her feeling powerless and at your mercy. If she were to claim her share, then address it, she would GAIN in confidence, because she would know she had control of ALL that is in her power to control. Let's face it, there' alot of sh*t in life that is totally beyond our control, so why not get a good strong hold on what there is that we CAN effect or change?

 

I think it's worth discussing with her. But.... she's a strong personality, and this may be something you want to discuss with your MC before you broach the subject. You need to get down to the bone with her on 'why this happened', but you don't want to come off as a blame-shifter either.

 

I do know this though, by OWNING my mistakes prior to the marriage crisis, I did feel powerful in effecting long-lasting change... still do, come to that. There were things that I could actively do that PROTECTED my marriage, so I no longer felt powerless.

[Hard2Think]

LadyJane,

 

Thanks! Yes, I agree with you 100%. I've thought the exact same thing for some time now. I want totell her just that. I want to tell her that my not having an affair is and always was something she had the power to prevent, really. I guess that in my own way - I told her she had this power even before the A.

 

But I don't say that because I simply don't see how, at this stage, that this won't come off as blatant shifting of the blame to her. She really hasn't accepted that the marriage was bad before the A.

 

For example, this morning she said something about how we've been getting along so great for the past three weeks .. She's been angry as hell at me for three weeks and only let up for a few days since last Sunday until yesterday. I couldn't touch her nor tell her I love her without being rebuked. And yet she describes that as us "getting along great".

 

How long should I let time go by before seriously broaching this subject? She really thinks that the marriage use to be he great before and that I'll succumb to the next woman "that makes eyes" at me ..

[Owl]

Sounds to me like she's still "on the rollercoaster" too. I've not followed this thread, but remember that a BS will go through all the UPS AND DOWNS for MONTHS after d-day.

 

I'm guessing that some of this may be happening here too.

[Hard2Think]

There are things I feel like I need to address right now - but I hesitate because she's so angry about the A. But she's planning a ski trip with this other couple and their kids (the ones who screwed up our date last Friday) and is already meeting with the wife to decide where and when and all that. It's already a done deal in her mind. She never asked me.

 

We already went on our last ski trip with them already - I just don't feel like doing it again. She never asked me if I wanted to go skiing this winter, nor did she ask me if I wanted to go with these people again. She just assumed I'll go along. Period. It's the way things worked always in our marriage. I had already suggested other places to go - and she agreed back then. But now she ignores all that and figures it doesn't matter anyway. That's the kind of thing that always made me feel like I'm the last on the list. Everything and everyone else comes first in our marriage - not us and certainly not me.

 

And if I would have protested back then - it would have been a huge mess. I tended to give in because the if I would "get my way", I'd pay the price of months. I don't even know what would happen if I made a big deal out of this now with things the way they are.

[Ladyjane14]

But I don't say that because I simply don't see how, at this stage, that this won't come off as blatant shifting of the blame to her. She really hasn't accepted that the marriage was bad before the A.

 

I'm at a loss as to HOW you can get through to her, H2T. I think a one-on-one with your MC is your best bet. Frankly, and not meaning to criticize... getting your point across WITHOUT it seeming to be a "blame-shift" hasn't exactly been your long suit around here.

I'm teasing.... but still, I think you could benefit from your MC's guidance.

 

You COULD keep laying the groundwork in the meantime though. We talked about "sharing" your feelings with her as to what you were thinking and feeling before, during, and after the affair earlier. I think you could look at that as kind of like sowing seeds, dropping knowledge on her just a bit at a time.

 

She needs to be able to see the 'hamster on the wheel'.... your mind open to her like your head was made of glass, knowledge itself... available for the taking.

[Ladyjane14]

I think you might ought to speak up about the ski trip. She doesn't have a crystal ball, you know. And at the end of the day.... it's YOUR responsibility to head off any future resentments you might develop.

 

The worst she can do is get sh*tty with you.... and hey, she's already doing that, so what do you have to lose?

 

You don't have to lay your ears back and get stubborn, but at least speak up so you can use the opportunity to maybe hash it out.