I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[pricillia]

hard 2 think,

 

Do you ever miss the OW and do you want to be with her,

 

It sounds like you marriage was introuble long before her. It also sounds like you are trying to work it out but do you ever miss the OW

[whichwayisup]

You obviously don't know the whole story between him and the OW. He has no intention of seeing her again because of her showing up at his house, not once, but twice! She showed his W emails and exposed their affair! He's said that he wants NOTHING to do with her again. Her actions made any feelings for her disappear. I could be wrong, but I doubt he's missing the OW.

[whichwayisup]

it's ridiculous to go through life like this with the eternal hope that things will get better someday -only to realize at old age that life was wasted on that hope and now there's none.

 

Don't throw in the towel yet. It's still too soon.

 

Maybe you need to take a step back, and let her approach you again. In the meantime, focus on the kids and keep busy. Do the natural little things for your wife, and be nice.

[pricillia]

You obviously don't know the whole story between him and the OW. He has no intention of seeing her again because of her showing up at his house, not once, but twice! She showed his W emails and exposed their affair! He's said that he wants NOTHING to do with her again. Her actions made any feelings for her disappear. I could be wrong, but I doubt he's missing the OW.

 

 

no I did not read the whole post, Ok now I understand, she did him in...

I could understand his intentions.

 

I am not judging... His feeling for her disapeared becuase the ow betrayed him, so his wife is feeling this as well to some degree.

 

I know this whole thing is a mess, I hope it gets better.

[Hard2Think]

No, I don't. I don't know why, exactly, either. But no.

 

hard 2 think,

 

Do you ever miss the OW and do you want to be with her,

 

It sounds like you marriage was introuble long before her. It also sounds like you are trying to work it out but do you ever miss the OW

[pricillia]

I have no advice to give on this subject, as I am the OW right now anything I say would have no value.

 

I am sure you and your wife are hurting right now and only time will tell where it will lead, I hope that it works out for the best.

 

Good Luck H2T

[Ladyjane14]

.. it's ridiculous to go through life like this with the eternal hope that things will get better someday -only to realize at old age that life was wasted on that hope and now there's none.

 

If wishes were fishes... we'd all have LUNCH.

 

It's YOU that makes it happen, kiddo. Get in the driver's seat of YOUR life... and drive. It doesn't have to be 'all or nothing' TODAY. You can't eat a bear but one bite at a time, right?

 

All she can do, short of throwing in the towel, is bitch if she doesn't like it.... and she does that anyway. So what do you have to lose?

 

Talk to her. Tell her what's on your heart. And don't forget to use the "I feel like... " type phrases, not the "You always..." or "You never..." ones.

[will2power]

I guess you are in the save marriage at all cost camp.

 

I think that H2T's wife's passive agressive behaviour is no different than emotional abuse.

 

Don't mean to appear to be following you about, but you said everything has consequences in another thread. Well, it appears that if H2T sticks up for himself, he gets the silent treatment and he gets it used against him. Too bad.

 

H2T, you sound a lot like my sMM. I'm sure if your OW didn't betray you the way she did, you would miss her and if she handled herself differently, you probably would still be with her. It took a lot for you to have left your wife to be with her in the first place. You took a chance that OW would be available and/or wanted to be with you. Things were obviously that bad at home. I know that was ages ago...

 

Hmmm... I have a feeling of deja vu... oh yeah, wrote this same crap to my sMM when we split up the first time.... anyway...

 

I think when OW uncovered your A with her to your W, she destroyed any positive feelings you had for her and you probably resent her for her part in screwing up what could have been an amicable split between you and your wife.

 

Anyway, I think because I'm a new member, my posts take a while to come on. Oh well. I guess I have to pay my dues.

 

Don't throw in the towel yet. It's still too soon.

 

Maybe you need to take a step back, and let her approach you again. In the meantime, focus on the kids and keep busy. Do the natural little things for your wife, and be nice.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks LJ - it's timely advice. My wife is having another major crsis again. She says she has a hard time getting physical with me knowing that I had sex with OW. Maybe I can't blame her too much for that - I'd likely feel the same way, I guess.

 

She says again that she "knows" this will happen again, and so she doesn't want to invest herself in this marriage "knowing" this will happen. But the conversation had to be cut short because she was off to work ..

 

So I'll have a good talk with her and kindly offer her my side as well in the nice way you suggest.

 

Wish me luck ..!

 

If wishes were fishes... we'd all have LUNCH.

 

It's YOU that makes it happen, kiddo. Get in the driver's seat of YOUR life... and drive. It doesn't have to be 'all or nothing' TODAY. You can't eat a bear but one bite at a time, right?

 

All she can do, short of throwing in the towel, is bitch if she doesn't like it.... and she does that anyway. So what do you have to lose?

 

Talk to her. Tell her what's on your heart. And don't forget to use the "I feel like... " type phrases, not the "You always..." or "You never..." ones.

[Hard2Think]

It's interesting to hear you say this. I've wondered about that myself. I'm pretty sure that if OW would have played her cards differently - I would have followed the path of leaving to be with her.

 

But knowing what I know now - I probably would have been one of those idiots who tries to get the wife to take him back after a month of being with OW. I'm somewhat thankful that my wife didn't have to deal with that humiliation - which is probably the only thing worse than what she went through with the OW surprise visit.

 

But yes - when OW did what she did, it maybe killed alot of feelings because that was an overtly hostile act directed at me and my family. I just couldn't see myself with someone who would do that.

 

I guess you are in the save marriage at all cost camp.

 

I think that H2T's wife's passive agressive behaviour is no different than emotional abuse.

 

Don't mean to appear to be following you about, but you said everything has consequences in another thread. Well, it appears that if H2T sticks up for himself, he gets the silent treatment and he gets it used against him. Too bad.

 

H2T, you sound a lot like my sMM. I'm sure if your OW didn't betray you the way she did, you would miss her and if she handled herself differently, you probably would still be with her. It took a lot for you to have left your wife to be with her in the first place. You took a chance that OW would be available and/or wanted to be with you. Things were obviously that bad at home. I know that was ages ago...

 

Hmmm... I have a feeling of deja vu... oh yeah, wrote this same crap to my sMM when we split up the first time.... anyway...

 

I think when OW uncovered your A with her to your W, she destroyed any positive feelings you had for her and you probably resent her for her part in screwing up what could have been an amicable split between you and your wife.

 

Anyway, I think because I'm a new member, my posts take a while to come on. Oh well. I guess I have to pay my dues.

[Hard2Think]

Ok, well we had a brief talk this morning. Today is my birthday and so she gave me some carwash coupons and a card. The card simply said something to the effect of "Enjoy the coupons". That's it. No - "love" or anything. I admit that stung.

 

So later, I told her that I was a bit hurt by the card. She went back to how there's no way she can get past the physical aspect of the affair and that I'm asking too much that she reconcile with me. She then hinted at a D. So I said "Is that your decision, then?"

 

She replied "Yes"

 

We then contiued to talk - and I was honest with her. I told her I was having a difficult time because this is much like the past 8 years and that I want to make this work - but I can't do it alone.

 

She said those were just "excuses". She then said that the next time I feel deprived - I'll do the same. Then I asked her why she thought I would feel deprived in the future. She just said "Because you will .."

 

So I accepted her decision. I said "That's it, then". And we left it at that. I think that is it. I can't do much else at this point. Unless you all see something I can do ..

[lindya]

Quote from the first post on this thread....

 

I'll try and keep this short .

 

Famous last words!

[2sunny]

I think you need to sit back and be PATIENT!

 

She needs time to allow herself to figure things out (as far as the pain and betrayal and what to do with those feelings).

 

Don't ask her for any decisions right now, if you want to work it out. To pressure someone for an answer when they are still in the I'M HURT mode - they will always give up because they are just darn mad at you...

 

Go back, be nice, patient, kind, thoughtful and sweet. Expect nothing for a while. In the meantime she is sorting through her thoughts and priorities.

 

Time MAY make things better and different. Wait and see....

[FlyingHigh]

Ok, well we had a brief talk this morning. Today is my birthday and so she gave me some carwash coupons and a card. The card simply said something to the effect of "Enjoy the coupons". That's it. No - "love" or anything. I admit that stung.

 

So later, I told her that I was a bit hurt by the card. She went back to how there's no way she can get past the physical aspect of the affair and that I'm asking too much that she reconcile with me. She then hinted at a D. So I said "Is that your decision, then?"

 

She replied "Yes"

 

We then contiued to talk - and I was honest with her. I told her I was having a difficult time because this is much like the past 8 years and that I want to make this work - but I can't do it alone.

 

She said those were just "excuses". She then said that the next time I feel deprived - I'll do the same. Then I asked her why she thought I would feel deprived in the future. She just said "Because you will .."

 

So I accepted her decision. I said "That's it, then". And we left it at that. I think that is it. I can't do much else at this point. Unless you all see something I can do ..

Rather than a D, have you thought of separating temporarily? If you two keep at it, it will end up in D. But a trial separation may be worth looking into. Why?

 

1) Things aren't getting any better

2) She needs to see and feel what it would be like if you weren't there. 3) She needs to "miss" you.

 

If you can afford to rent even a studio nearby just so that you continue your involvement with the kids, it may be worth it.

 

Bring it up to her and discuss it. Tell her you love her and want the marriage, but it's not working. You don't want a divorce. You want to feel wanted, loved and forgiven. Tell her what's in your heart. Then tell her that if it would help her and the both of you, for you to move out temporarily (say a month or two). Tell her how difficult a decision and adjustment that would be, but that it doesn't compare to the pain of hearing her say and od hurtful things. Then ask her if what she thinks. Don't ask her a yes or no question!

 

There are a lot of BS, like me who sees the effort you are putting in and wished our WS were as determined as you have been.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Ok, well we had a brief talk this morning. Today is my birthday and so she gave me some carwash coupons and a card. The card simply said something to the effect of "Enjoy the coupons". That's it. No - "love" or anything. I admit that stung.

 

So later, I told her that I was a bit hurt by the card. She went back to how there's no way she can get past the physical aspect of the affair and that I'm asking too much that she reconcile with me. She then hinted at a D. So I said "Is that your decision, then?"

 

She replied "Yes"

 

We then contiued to talk - and I was honest with her. I told her I was having a difficult time because this is much like the past 8 years and that I want to make this work - but I can't do it alone.

 

She said those were just "excuses". She then said that the next time I feel deprived - I'll do the same. Then I asked her why she thought I would feel deprived in the future. She just said "Because you will .."

 

So I accepted her decision. I said "That's it, then". And we left it at that. I think that is it. I can't do much else at this point. Unless you all see something I can do ..

 

 

Let me just take the opportunity here to say...

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY H2T!!! :)

 

 

It sucks that your wife couldn't unbend enough to celebrate with you. But don't let her attitude spoil it for the kids. Kids like to see you having a good time on your special day, and it introduces anxiety into them when they don't see it happening. So... have fun with the little people, and enjoy what you can.

 

I'm going to mull it over for awhile before I post you back. Sit tight though, and don't commit yourself to any course of action yet. Let her absorb what's happened so far today.

 

Have you written her any sort of heart-felt letter yet?

 

If you go that route, you might consider dropping us a post so we can give you some feedback. You'd want to get your point across without assigning blame, but you ALSO would want to make sure you weren't putting something into her hands that would hurt you in a divorce settlement.

[FlyingHigh]

Yes, Happy Birthday!!! Hope it gets better in some ways....

[Hard2Think]

I've thought about that as well. Maybe I need to be more patient .. what the hell - it can't hurt any more than it is ..

 

But how much time do you think I should be waiting? My problem is that I'm feeling my love wane as time goes on, no matter how hard I try not to. I'm a little worried about that aspect.

 

I think you need to sit back and be PATIENT!

 

She needs time to allow herself to figure things out (as far as the pain and betrayal and what to do with those feelings).

 

Don't ask her for any decisions right now, if you want to work it out. To pressure someone for an answer when they are still in the I'M HURT mode - they will always give up because they are just darn mad at you...

 

Go back, be nice, patient, kind, thoughtful and sweet. Expect nothing for a while. In the meantime she is sorting through her thoughts and priorities.

 

Time MAY make things better and different. Wait and see....

[Hard2Think]

Thank you!

 

I haven't sent her a letter simply because I know she'll see it as a parallel to the emails I sent to OW (you sent her letters - now you're sending me the same bullsh*t letters too?) ..

 

Let me just take the opportunity here to say...

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY H2T!!! :)

 

 

It sucks that your wife couldn't unbend enough to celebrate with you. But don't let her attitude spoil it for the kids. Kids like to see you having a good time on your special day, and it introduces anxiety into them when they don't see it happening. So... have fun with the little people, and enjoy what you can.

 

I'm going to mull it over for awhile before I post you back. Sit tight though, and don't commit yourself to any course of action yet. Let her absorb what's happened so far today.

 

Have you written her any sort of heart-felt letter yet?

 

If you go that route, you might consider dropping us a post so we can give you some feedback. You'd want to get your point across without assigning blame, but you ALSO would want to make sure you weren't putting something into her hands that would hurt you in a divorce settlement.

[Hard2Think]

Thank you! Yeah, I hope so too .. we'll see.

 

Yes, Happy Birthday!!! Hope it gets better in some ways....

[whichwayisup]

I guess you are in the save marriage at all cost camp.

 

I think that H2T's wife's passive agressive behaviour is no different than emotional abuse.

 

Don't mean to appear to be following you about, but you said everything has consequences in another thread. Well, it appears that if H2T sticks up for himself, he gets the silent treatment and he gets it used against him. Too bad.

 

First off, Happy birthday to you H2T!

 

I guess because not alot of time has really passed since DDay, to get a divorce now is kind of based on emotions and fear of the unknown, fear of trying hard and failing, or fear of working hard and continuing to work hard to fix the marriage.

 

Marriage counselling wasn't a success because it wasn't given a chance to work. Divorcing now may be the answer because it could feel the only option, but in 6 months or a year, will there be regret? Will she, or he, wish that they have given themselves more time to work it out, and try harder?

[Island Girl]

Unfortunately I seem to be the only one here who is thinking about how the WIFE must be feeling.

 

What good does it do to give him advice based on his perspective and

fulfilling his needs and wants?

 

Within 2 months this woman:

 

1. Was told by her husband that he wanted a divorce because of unhappiness.

 

2. Found out divorce was actually proposed because of an affair going on for approximately a year.

 

3. Read documentation of this affair including intimacies and declarations of love and caring from her husband to this other woman.

 

4. Then, was told by this same man, he really loved her and wanted to stay.

 

She was unhappy in the marraige for some time as well. Otherwise she would not have been so amicable about getting divorce initially. So they were both unhappy.

 

But she did not go outside of the relationship. He did. That is a basic betrayal very difficult to come to grips with especially since he created a full on relationship with this other woman.

 

Now, faced with this situation, she does not know what she wants to do sometimes. I am sure she thinks about the history they have shared but she is torn when she does thinking "he built a whole history including hopes, dreams, and desires for the future with SOMEONE ELSE TOO.

 

She looks at him and loves him. She looks at him and hates him. It is a pendulum that swings at any moment from one to the next. She knows the negative feelings are coming from the betrayal and she has vowed to stay with him so she should be getting over it - but she just can't yet. It is a fresh wound. And everytime he is demanding or needs something she is reminded of him fulfilling his needs with someone else.

 

She is still in the marriage. More power to her. She is trying to come to grips with all of this. She knows the relationship wasn't fantastic before. It seems she is staying to do the work.

 

But the emotional wound of the affair is so fresh. He tells her he needs change and she is on the fence sometimes.

 

On one hand she has the life they built together. A family.

She loves this man and realizes there were problems and is willing to work on them. She does what she can to go on and take baby steps.

 

But she also is married to a lying cheating selfish a$$ who treated her like crap and made her a fool. At those times she feels like a fool for staying. What if he does it again?

 

How long does it take to reconcile the two? I don't know. I know it can be done.

 

But it is his job to show her he is with her. That he isn't back and forth between leaving and not. If he doesn't, then she is constantly faced with the possibility an affair may happen again. Which brings it up again. Which makes her feel worthless and like a fool again. Which makes her not want to do anything to make him happy.

 

Do you want to work to make someone happy who stomped on you and treated you like crap? --- She just found this out in the last 6 weeks.

 

If the affair comes up - and it will because it is fresh. That is the time for him to be humble and admit wrong doing. Period. There are no excuses for an affair. NONE. I don't care how unhappy you are in the marriage it is NEVER okay. There are options. You can go to MC, you can leave, etc.

 

She needs to know he UNDERSTANDS that. She needs to KNOW that not just hear it. She needs to see it, hear it, possibly over and over again. He needs to let her know he is willing to do whatever it takes to show her he is honest.

He needs to be an open book. E-mail, cell phone, work, schedule, where he ate lunch that day - needs to be available and it would help, at least initially, if he would have full disclosure so that she ends up with way too much information. She shouldn't even have to ask a question but if she does, she gets a complete disclosure with all details.

 

Only when that is well on its way will she be willing to truly work on their issues together.

 

Do you blame her? - Of course she isn't doing much right now. Sometimes she wonders why she even wants a lying cheating selfish A$$. And rightly so. He has to show her why she should want to stay in the relationship.

 

Telling him SHE should be making HIM feel better is going to drive them to divorce. It is too soon for him to be demanding. He should not be an a***hole (and he admitted he throws fits and is one - like about the shoping for instance).

 

They need MC BIG TIME. But until he realizes how betrayed she must feel, how stupid she feels still wanting to work it out at this point, how ashamed she is of him, and how HIS actions were unwarranted -- the goal will not be achieved. There was NO excuse for what he did. It doesn't matter how UNHAPPY he was. It doesn't matter.

 

And I for one am not going to sit here reading about how upset and hurt he is when he was just 2 montyhs ago lamenting the fact that his OW wouldn't wait for him while he got a divorce from this woman.

 

I think he doesn't know which way is up. He is running around all over the place playing should I stay or should I go with absolutely no consideration for the havoc he has wreaked on this marriage and his wife's life.

 

Baby steps are all he should expect from her at this point - and it is a huge step that he is still allowed to live in the same house.

 

He should be making great strides in self-evaluation and self-improvement. He should have no time to run around pointing fingers.

 

Any problems he wants addressed need to be addressed in front of th MC to keep it fair at first - so the affair doesn't come flying up at any time. And so when that happens she can learn by someone else who is nuetral pointing it out and adjust accordingly.

 

There is work to be done on both sides for sure.He need to show her consistently why it is worth it for her to work just as hard as he has to for the relationship.

 

Please try and remember how you would feel if you built a life with some one and when it gets rocky, they first tell you they want to cut and run, then you find out it is because of an affair, and you find out he planned a life with this woman too.

 

How long would it take you to get over it and work really hard at keeping him around after he lied to you so often about so many things and betrayed you in the worst way.

 

I'd be a royal B'atch for a WHILE. Certainly more than a month. Hell, his little relationship with the OW lasted for a year!

[GreenEyedLady]

SHE has cancelled the last 2 MC sessions...and back to my mantra, does she want to be happy, or does she want to be right...which could=do you want to be single or do you want to be married?

[whichwayisup]

His wife needs to decide what she wants, or life will be like this for a long time. I really don't think she knows yet 100% as she's up and down like a toilet seat, feeling alot of resentment and anger, and ofcourse alot of pain and confusion. Until she deals with this stuff, nothing will change for the better, and they'll possibly end up getting a divorce.

 

I do wish she'd give MC a chance! I'm not in her head, I haven't a clue what she truly feels for H2T. Maybe the love is there, but it's buried and the walls are up so she can't 'feel' much of anything but anger.

[Ladyjane14]

I haven't sent her a letter simply because I know she'll see it as a parallel to the emails I sent to OW (you sent her letters - now you're sending me the same bullsh*t letters too?) ..

 

One of my dearest friends just divorced her husband.... because he couldn't verbalize to her WHY he cheated. She stayed in it for TWO YEARS after D-Day too. It wasn't a decision that she made lightly.

 

It seemed pretty obvious to me that my friend's husband had had some problems within the marriage, but somehow he couldn't come up with an answer that made sense of it for his wife. His best effort was... "it was there".

 

You're making another 'assumption', H2T. You think she doesn't want a letter from you. Maybe you think she doesn't want to hear about WHY this happened. After my friend's example, I have think that your wife probably does want to know.... 'what were you thinking'?! And yeah... she might throw it right back in your face at first. She very well might accuse you of using the same MO that you used with the OW... but then again, if it's honest, it's honest. It costs you more to hoard your emotions right now, than it does to spend them.

 

My advice to you is to write that letter. You can PM it to me for an opinion if you don't want to post it.... but write it.

 

Dear Wife,

 

I love you. I've always loved you. From the time when we _________, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with YOU. I wanted to father your children. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted YOUR FACE to be the last thing I saw in this life before I died.

 

I've fallen away from the path. I've always known what I wanted..... to be with YOU. But I lost faith. I came to believe that you didn't love me anymore, because __________.

 

After that, it didn't matter what I did. To my mind, you wouldn't care anyway because you really didn't love me. I was so shocked to see your reaction when (OW) came to our door. I had been so very sure that nothing I did would matter to you. But then you cried, and you were so upset. And weirdly enough I began to understand what a fool I'd been.

 

I had based my actions on the assumption that I didn't matter to you anyway. And now, suddenly I could see that what I did HURT you. I couldn't have hurt you if you didn't care. And as bizarre as it sounds... the fact that you were hurt by my actions woke me up to the realiziation that you loved me.

 

I can't tell you how I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve knowing that. I'm so tender towards you I can't hardly even open my mouth for fear that I'll upset you more. And yet.... I KNOW we have to talk about all this stuff. I KNOW that you're not going to feel secure with me until I've told you where my head was when all this crap went down.

 

That's why I keep telling you that I can't do this ALONE. I need you. I've ALWAYS needed you. I'm just so stupid, I couldn't tell you what it was that I needed. I'm not even sure if I understand it now. That's why I think MC is so important.

 

I'm a crummy communicator. I know that after everything that's happened. I should have told you what I was feeling. I should have talked it out with you. I should NEVER have done what I did. And I kick myself in the ass every day for not taking a chance and working out our problems. But I have to admit, even now, I'm finding it soooo hard to get up my nerve to give you this letter. You have the power to destroy me.

 

Even so, I'm not willing to stand by and LOSE you just because I'm scared you'll reject me. I can't be that person anymore, the guy who doesn't say what's on his mind because he's afraid of a fight. If I can't fight to keep you by my side... I'm not a man anymore.

 

You know the part that burns my ass the most as I face the prospect of losing you, is that I always KNEW that you were 'The One'. OW knew it too. I lied to her, even as I lied to you. I told her that I didn't love you anymore... but in the end, she knew it was a lie. I couldn't leave you, no matter what kind of pressure she put on me. I loved you.

 

That's why she came to our house. She came here to get even with me for the lie I told. She came here to punish me, and to make certain that I lost what I cared about most because of the lies I'd told.

 

I can't say I don't deserve to be the recipient of her vengeance. Afterall... I'm the guy who told the lies. It's justice in it's way. But I can't hardly live with the idea that you and the kids are suffering along with me. If I could take it all upon myself... I would.

 

I know I'm being selfish for not wanting to 'take my medicine'... but I can't picture a life without you. If you need me to prove myself to you, just tell me HOW. Whatever you need... I'm there. I can walk across hot coals if only I know that you love me.

 

I KNOW we can work through this. But I can't do it alone. I need you.

 

Please... talk to me."

[Hard2Think]

Now THAT'S a great letter!! Seriously. GREAT! Thank you - I made some few minor changes - and I sent it. It reflects very well what I thought .. I'll let you know what happens.

 

Thanks again for the tremendous effort you put in for me, LadyJane.

 

One of my dearest friends just divorced her husband.... because he couldn't verbalize to her WHY he cheated. She stayed in it for TWO YEARS after D-Day too. It wasn't a decision that she made lightly.

 

It seemed pretty obvious to me that my friend's husband had had some problems within the marriage, but somehow he couldn't come up with an answer that made sense of it for his wife. His best effort was... "it was there".

 

You're making another 'assumption', H2T. You think she doesn't want a letter from you. Maybe you think she doesn't want to hear about WHY this happened. After my friend's example, I have think that your wife probably does want to know.... 'what were you thinking'?! And yeah... she might throw it right back in your face at first. She very well might accuse you of using the same MO that you used with the OW... but then again, if it's honest, it's honest. It costs you more to hoard your emotions right now, than it does to spend them.

 

My advice to you is to write that letter. You can PM it to me for an opinion if you don't want to post it.... but write it.

 

Dear Wife,

 

I love you. I've always loved you. From the time when we _________, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with YOU. I wanted to father your children. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted YOUR FACE to be the last thing I saw in this life before I died.

 

I've fallen away from the path. I've always known what I wanted..... to be with YOU. But I lost faith. I came to believe that you didn't love me anymore, because __________.

 

After that, it didn't matter what I did. To my mind, you wouldn't care anyway because you really didn't love me. I was so shocked to see your reaction when (OW) came to our door. I had been so very sure that nothing I did would matter to you. But then you cried, and you were so upset. And weirdly enough I began to understand what a fool I'd been.

 

I had based my actions on the assumption that I didn't matter to you anyway. And now, suddenly I could see that what I did HURT you. I couldn't have hurt you if you didn't care. And as bizarre as it sounds... the fact that you were hurt by my actions woke me up to the realiziation that you loved me.

 

I can't tell you how I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve knowing that. I'm so tender towards you I can't hardly even open my mouth for fear that I'll upset you more. And yet.... I KNOW we have to talk about all this stuff. I KNOW that you're not going to feel secure with me until I've told you where my head was when all this crap went down.

 

That's why I keep telling you that I can't do this ALONE. I need you. I've ALWAYS needed you. I'm just so stupid, I couldn't tell you what it was that I needed. I'm not even sure if I understand it now. That's why I think MC is so important.

 

I'm a crummy communicator. I know that after everything that's happened. I should have told you what I was feeling. I should have talked it out with you. I should NEVER have done what I did. And I kick myself in the ass every day for not taking a chance and working out our problems. But I have to admit, even now, I'm finding it soooo hard to get up my nerve to give you this letter. You have the power to destroy me.

 

Even so, I'm not willing to stand by and LOSE you just because I'm scared you'll reject me. I can't be that person anymore, the guy who doesn't say what's on his mind because he's afraid of a fight. If I can't fight to keep you by my side... I'm not a man anymore.

 

You know the part that burns my ass the most as I face the prospect of losing you, is that I always KNEW that you were 'The One'. OW knew it too. I lied to her, even as I lied to you. I told her that I didn't love you anymore... but in the end, she knew it was a lie. I couldn't leave you, no matter what kind of pressure she put on me. I loved you.

 

That's why she came to our house. She came here to get even with me for the lie I told. She came here to punish me, and to make certain that I lost what I cared about most because of the lies I'd told.

 

I can't say I don't deserve to be the recipient of her vengeance. Afterall... I'm the guy who told the lies. It's justice in it's way. But I can't hardly live with the idea that you and the kids are suffering along with me. If I could take it all upon myself... I would.

 

I know I'm being selfish for not wanting to 'take my medicine'... but I can't picture a life without you. If you need me to prove myself to you, just tell me HOW. Whatever you need... I'm there. I can walk across hot coals if only I know that you love me.

 

I KNOW we can work through this. But I can't do it alone. I need you.

 

Please... talk to me."