JamesM Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 H2T, hang in there. We are here for you. One day you will look back on this experience with....????. I guess that is still the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hard2Think Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 H2T, hang in there. We are here for you. One day you will look back on this experience with....????. I guess that is still the question. Thank you - I appreciate all of your support and even non-support here. That goes for every single one of you. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 If any person comes to your home and refuses to leave until the point where the police are called IMHO that person is a possible danger and is possibly unbalanced. And it's complete disrespect as well. Coming by once, spilling the beans to his wife is one thing, (and she probably knew from reaction that she would NOT be welcomed back to their house), showing up a second time was a real stupid move. I think we can all assume that your OW just isn't thinking and she's doing things out of complete desparation. As it stands, and as many on here would disagree...this mans owes the OW at least an email with the facts and his decision to work on his marriage. But not right now...maybe after all the tension calms down. What he has done to both women is string them along until the cards were shown. The hand has been played. No one knows the outcome. After what the OW pulled, twice, I don't think she deserves an goodbye email. The fact too he had to call the cops on her means it's officially over. She has to make her own closure and not rely on him for that. Doesn't matter even if he did email her, people need to make their own closure and accept their part. Whether he works on the marriage or not, it's not her business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 This is where you've gotten it all wrong.Have'nt you heard that all is fair in love and war.All of us have had our hearts broken in matters of the heart.Sometimes cruely and the way it happens is by foolishly putting yourself in circumstances not likely to work in your favor. No one owes anyone anything else. If the OP had decided to leave his W and run off with the OW he would not owe her anything either and if she was chasing him around at the ow's house untill the police had to be called she would be a psycho for sure. Point made. Tink, I certainly hope for everyone's sake reading this post realizes the devastation caused my EMRs. And all is fair in love and war. Hopefully this type of wafare tactic will not be repeated, but I'm sure it will over and over again through human history. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I certainly hope for everyone's sake reading this post realizes the devastation caused my EMRs. And all is fair in love and war. Hopefully this type of wafare tactic will not be repeated, but I'm sure it will over and over again through human history. Sadly, most people have to learn the hard way and go through it anyway. Even with good advice and warnings. And then most look back, full of regret and wish it had never happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Last Mohegan Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 The more I like you!! You seem to be very balanced in your responses with no drama. I'm diggin your posts! I have to agree with others...I have received conflicting messages as well. The W has gone from evil sounding to a victim. The OW has gone from good to bad. It reminds me of one of those movies where one never knows what the next twist will be. Having said that, no, I don't think it is "fake." H2T, you wife will probably never come back to you. And I doubt any MC will "convince" her of what she has done wrong. None of us have heard from her or the OW, but as you know, there will be another side to this story. Your wife has her faults, but I seem to hear only of her faults. Yes, you admit to screwing it up with an affair, but have you sat down and looked at how you contributed to your wife's lack of interest in you? This is getting rather confusing at this point, but I am also interested in the story line. Please keep us updated. Here is a statement from you that I found amusing..sorry, yes, I did.... I imagine the pain and devastation you feel now HAS cured you, but can you remember that pain for life? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 LM, thank you...I appreciate your kind words. If any post can be of help to anyone, then that is what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 H2T, I am not trying to personalize your situtation. I'm am sorry if it comes off like that. But I have been on both sides of the coin as a BS and recently an unknowing OW. Again, if I offended in anyway please forgive me...that is not what I was trying do. I do believe you need counseling to help you, and not just marriage counseling. There is a bigger issue when you read back over your entire story. I've become frustrated with the comments on this post. And I realize I should not; but I realized I have added to them as well. I'm sure it's because some of the posters have never had their spouse cheat on them, or others have and have complete control of the situtation with their WS and M. Or the posters are doing what is necessary to make their marriage work. But the dynamics of and EMR no one will ever comprehend because they were not directly involved in it; just as the OW is not directly involved with the M. As for the posters who immediately state "NC to the OW." First, let me re-state, I believe NC is needed here. However, how would you feel if you were the wife and your H just did just this...walkout, and and told you nothing. After X number of years of marriage you have some "rights" as the spouse to know what the hell just happened. And you could be pushed over the edge as well to behave just as this OW has behaved. I'm not trying to impose which is right or which is wrong in these situtations, but to offer some compassion for both women who needed told the truth from the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 This is where you've gotten it all wrong.Have'nt you heard that all is fair in love and war.All of us have had our hearts broken in matters of the heart.Sometimes cruely and the way it happens is by foolishly putting yourself in circumstances not likely to work in your favor. No one owes anyone anything else. If the OP had decided to leave his W and run off with the OW he would not owe her anything either and if she was chasing him around at the ow's house untill the police had to be called she would be a psycho for sure. yes all is fair in love and war, that isnt the issue here. the situation was not likely to work in the ow's favour, yes, and she had to expect that as a probable outcome. BUT everybody deserves the truth from the horses mouth. and in my opinion, an apology too. also, if you are going to make that arguement, then you could also argue that h2t had to expect ow spilling the beans as a probable consequence of his making himself available to a relationship with her whilst he was still married, and he should deal with it in a mature way. that is not cowering away and calling the police on her, but having a normal adult conversation in which he apologises and tells her the truth. it isnt about going behind the wifes back, he can tell the wife, it is better if he does, and shows her that he has explained the situation to ow and that he no longer wants to have any contact with her, and he is sorry for messing her about. what is wrong with that? it makes him a better man, AND if contact is made after that from the ow, then she is in the wrong. as it stands since she has not been told the truth from the horse himself nor given an apology, but treated as a criminal (police called on her) then it is debatable whether she is in the wrong for trying to make contact. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 This is the point , once the H decides to stay or work on the marrige the worst thing he can do is continue to engage the OW in any way .The W and marrige is what the OP has decided is important and at this point it would just put him further in the hole to have any contact with the OW. it is not engaging her, it is telling her in a mature and respectful manner that he is working things out with his wife, and this is what he wants, and what the h3ll is wrong with an apology? why should that hinder his marriage? i dont understand that part. if i was cheated on, and my partner said that they owed the ow an apology because they loved me and wanted to work things out with me, i would think more highly of them for it AND take them more seriously for that matter. where do you get this information from anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 As for the posters who immediately state "NC to the OW." First, let me re-state, I believe NC is needed here. However, how would you feel if you were the wife and your H just did just this...walkout, and and told you nothing. After X number of years of marriage you have some "rights" as the spouse to know what the hell just happened. And you could be pushed over the edge as well to behave just as this OW has behaved. exactly! you have a right to know that the relationship is over. why is this so hard for anyone to understand? so she should not have told the wife, but it sounds like she had a sudden realisation that they were both being strung along, and went to put an end to it. after she had done this she no doubt panicked in case she had been wrong and h2t had been telling her the truth, and so in panic she came out with the story that she had done it for them to be together. h2t has already stated that it was out of character for ow, and so this makes it more likely that it was an act of despair and desperation, a need for the truth. of course posters like which way is up are determined to think she is just of bad character. i think it is unlikely. i think her actions are understandable, and if we are to understand h2t's actions and his wifes actions, then i would like to offer you another perspective on the ow's actions. all that posts like which way is ups do is further cement that false stereotype of ow. or show the poster as lacking in any sort of perception or understanding. I'm not trying to impose which is right or which is wrong in these situtations, but to offer some compassion for both women who needed told the truth from the beginning. that is right, both women deserve compassion here, and both should have been told the truth from the beginning, therefore BOTH deserve an apology. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 yes all is fair in love and war, that isnt the issue here. the situation was not likely to work in the ow's favour, yes, and she had to expect that as a probable outcome. BUT everybody deserves the truth from the horses mouth. and in my opinion, an apology too. also, if you are going to make that arguement, then you could also argue that h2t had to expect ow spilling the beans as a probable consequence of his making himself available to a relationship with her whilst he was still married, and he should deal with it in a mature way. that is not cowering away and calling the police on her, but having a normal adult conversation in which he apologises and tells her the truth. it isnt about going behind the wifes back, he can tell the wife, it is better if he does, and shows her that he has explained the situation to ow and that he no longer wants to have any contact with her, and he is sorry for messing her about. what is wrong with that? it makes him a better man, AND if contact is made after that from the ow, then she is in the wrong. as it stands since she has not been told the truth from the horse himself nor given an apology, but treated as a criminal (police called on her) then it is debatable whether she is in the wrong for trying to make contact. Just wondering.......by that token (in bold type), do you think the OW owes the wife an apology? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 that is right, both women deserve compassion here, and both should have been told the truth from the beginning, therefore BOTH deserve an apology. Yes, I agree with CG, that the wife definately is owed an apology from the OW. She KNEW that he was married with kids. She took the chance going in, making a relationship with a married man. Ofcourse, she was fed lines to keep her around, but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Just wondering.......by that token (in bold type), do you think the OW owes the wife an apology? If confronted...yes. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Just wondering.......by that token (in bold type), do you think the OW owes the wife an apology? since the ow isnt the one posting on this forum, then i dont have any advice for her on who she should or shouldnt apologise. but yeah, if the wife speaks to her, then i think it would be nice for the ow to apologise to her too. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Yes, I agree with CG, that the wife definately is owed an apology from the OW. She KNEW that he was married with kids. She took the chance going in, making a relationship with a married man. Ofcourse, she was fed lines to keep her around, but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. WWIU, YES, the OW knew the truth from the get go. And so did the WS. And no one is saying she shouldn't apologize. What we, as the OWs are saying...he owes the OW an apology. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Yes, I agree with CG, that the wife definately is owed an apology from the OW. She KNEW that he was married with kids. She took the chance going in, making a relationship with a married man. Ofcourse, she was fed lines to keep her around, but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. for gods sake wwiu, your true feelings are certainly coming out now arent they. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 for gods sake wwiu, your true feelings are certainly coming out now arent they. Read my post again. I said : but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. Stop twisting my words. If you have problems with the way I'm posting (and it's not personal against you Newbby or anybody else. I'm talking about HIS OW) feel free to PM me. I'm not going to get into it on the boards, not in the mood for it at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Just wondering.......by that token (in bold type), do you think the OW owes the wife an apology? just wondering, would it be considered illegal or wrong for the wife to try and contact the ow? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Read my post again. I said : but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. oh right, sorry. do you think she should be second on the list for apologies? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I think that he owes his wife an apology first. He said vows to his wife not to his OW. Maybe before she went to his wife, and then showed up a second time at door, an apology could have happened, but the way things are now, there's not a chance in hell that he's going to apologize to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I think that he owes his wife an apology first. He said vows to his wife not to his OW. Maybe before she went to his wife, and then showed up a second time at door, an apology could have happened, but the way things are now, there's not a chance in hell that he's going to apologize to her. so you dont think she deserves an apology? Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 just wondering, would it be considered illegal or wrong for the wife to try and contact the ow? (illegal)-consult your local police dept. for an answer to that. (wrong)-subjective Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I'm not playing this game with you newbby. You want to know personally what I think, PM me. You're trying to bait me and I'm not going to get into it with you, I already said that. Re-read my post again. You still don't see it, do you? but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 (illegal)-consult your local police dept. for an answer to that. (wrong)-subjective i didnt ask for the definitions of the words, that wasnt my question. Link to post Share on other sites
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