I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[newbby]

I'm not playing this game with you newbby. You want to know personally what I think, PM me. You're trying to bait me and I'm not going to get into it with you, I already said that.

 

Re-read my post again. You still don't see it, do you?

 

but she definately shouldn't be first on the list for apologlies.

so she should be second? third?

i'm only messing with ya wwiu. youre entitled to your opinions, though why you only want to share them over pm i dont know.

[UnknowingOW]

I think that he owes his wife an apology first. He said vows to his wife not to his OW.

 

Maybe before she went to his wife, and then showed up a second time at door, an apology could have happened, but the way things are now, there's not a chance in hell that he's going to apologize to her.

 

I agree...there is no chance for it now...it's all water under the bridge.

[whichwayisup]

So, if the OW comes by his house a third or fourth time, do you think he should still apologize to her?????????? After being told not to come by, having the police called her already, she would still deserve a "sorry" from the MM?? Come on Newbby...You're taking it to heart and honestly, what I think and feel about Hard2's situation shouldn't make a difference to you. You're making into something more and trying to bait me, so don't act all innocent.

 

The reason why I wanted to take it to PM's is because you're starting to make things personal against ME. I don't like that, so please, if you have issues PM me. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

so you dont think she deserves an apology?

 

Not anymore. Not after what she's done.

 

Mark my words, I bet she will come by the house again.

[newbby]

So, if the OW comes by his house a third or fourth time, do you think he should still apologize to her?????????? After being told not to come by, having the police called her already, she would still deserve a "sorry" from the MM??

where did i say that?

Come on Newbby...You're taking it to heart and honestly, what I think and feel about Hard2's situation shouldn't make a difference to you.

the posts annoyed me, and especially yours, i admit it, but...

You're making into something more and trying to bait me, so don't act all innocent.

it was obvious my last few posts to you were joking, wasnt it?

The reason why I wanted to take it to PM's is because you're starting to make things personal against ME. I don't like that, so please, if you have issues PM me. Thank you.

i think that usually when things turn into a debate or an argument a few posters disagree with each other, and so in that way it could be considered personal i suppose, but if it was taken to pm anytime anyone disagreed, some valuable viewpoints might be lost from public viewing. i am not being personal to you whichwayisup, but to your viewpoint. sorry if i upset you, and my last few posts were not meant to be taken seriously, i really did think that was obvious.

[Hard2Think]

W just called me from her vacation. She's very angry and she started her message to me by stating that she wants me out of the house when they get back and that I should not come around, either.

 

But we stayed on the phone for over a half hour where she continued to tell me how hurt she is and what a sh*t I am. She talked about how she's ready to "file the papers", and that she has alot of love to give (I thought, "Why didn't you give me any?", but luckily I said nothing) and she thinks she needs to find someone else that will treat her right.

 

I told her I loved her and that set up an appointment with a MC. She asked "Why?" and I told her it's because I love her, don't want to lose the marriage and have faith that we can make this work out. She, of course, was far more skeptical - but seemed to want to hear more. She told me she still oved me but that in time she'll "get over me". She kept asking "Why should I go back with you?", and "Why should I trust you?" and "Won't I be a fool if I come back?". Then she said she needs time to think about it. I told her to take all the time she needs and that I would support any decision she makes.

 

I know she's mad and I'm trying not to take too seriously yet what she's saying. It may take weeks before she's ready to consider reconciliation. Either that or she's ready to move on.

[whichwayisup]

I told her I loved her and that set up an appointment with a MC. She asked "Why?" and I told her it's because I love her, don't want to lose the marriage and have faith that we can make this work out. She, of course, was far more skeptical - but seemed to want to hear more. She told me she still oved me but that in time she'll "get over me". She kept asking "Why should I go back with you?", and "Why should I trust you?" and "Won't I be a fool if I come back?". Then she said she needs time to think about it. I told her to take all the time she needs and that I would support any decision she makes.

 

I know she's mad and I'm trying not to take too seriously yet what she's saying. It may take weeks before she's ready to consider reconciliation. Either that or she's ready to move on.

 

Do whatever she wants you to do, but don't give up hope. You got her attention when you mentioned marriage counselling and that you love her and don't want to lose her. That's a start. Give it time, and show it in action.

 

You have to SHOW her that you're trustworthy. You have to work your ass off to prove to her that you're worthy of being taken back.

 

Take a look at DazednConfused's thread (my wife made a stupid mistake) and just read what he went through when his wife cheated on him. Maybe getting inside his head abit, might make things abit easier for you so you can understand what your wife is feeling right now.

 

I'll find the link for you (though ,honestly I can't remember if I offered up his thread to you in another post reply...)

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

It's long but worth reading.

[newbby]

h2t further to wwiu's advice, and booking mc, perhaps you should also consider ic, because i believe for any relationship to be healthy there have to be two healthy individuals working on it.

you did well to not throw any accusations or blame towards your w, even if this is how you felt. you need to show her that you are facing up to your responsibilities for this.

it sounds as though she wants to work this out too, so dont grow desponent yourself. it is important to show her you really believe in the two of you. you will have to have enough positivity and faith for the both of you for awhile, because she obviously isnt going to be feeling this at the moment. also to be understanding of her pain and however she reacts to it.

all in all i think you did well with that phone conversation.

[Hard2Think]

h2t further to wwiu's advice, and booking mc, perhaps you should also consider ic, because i believe for any relationship to be healthy there have to be two healthy individuals working on it.

you did well to not throw any accusations or blame towards your w, even if this is how you felt. you need to show her that you are facing up to your responsibilities for this.

it sounds as though she wants to work this out too, so dont grow desponent yourself. it is important to show her you really believe in the two of you. you will have to have enough positivity and faith for the both of you for awhile, because she obviously isnt going to be feeling this at the moment. also to be understanding of her pain and however she reacts to it.

all in all i think you did well with that phone conversation.

 

Thank you. Thank you very much. And WhichWayIsUp .. thanks for the link .. I'm reading it right now.

[BUTAFLY]

I've been gone for a few hours and had to check in for an update and of course new twist and turns have developed. I love this Thread!

first I want to say to unknowingly I like that you brought this up:

However, ya never know if the BW will run over him with the car either...lol. Didn't that happen in TX?

That shows you when emotions and feelings are Effed with anyone could snap. This W was not a pycho but believed her husband left his OW until she followed him and found them two together coming out of an hotel and ran him over. If he only told the truth he could still be alive and she a free woman.

 

Unkowingly again good point with this:

has everyone forgotten the fact he would have continued in the A had the OW not called his bluff? Porker...pure and simple. Call and show your cards.

I haven't forgotten nor have I forgotten if it wasn't for that incedent he would still be in the process of D..Has everyone forgot he already decided on that.

 

thirdly, I never liked the term, All's Fair in Love and War. That gives liberty to lie,cheat and deceive and dismiss peoples feelings.

 

and lastly:

YES...the OW deserves an appology. If it were the other way around I could say 'But wife, doesn't the ow prove he doesn't love you, I mean thats a chance you take when you don't show affection to your H' Now you BS wouldn't like that much would you?

[Last Mohegan]

And I just bet it'll be because H2T has had contact with her. Mr. "never" will strike again so stay tuned folks!

 

 

Not anymore. Not after what she's done.

 

Mark my words, I bet she will come by the house again.

[Hard2Think]

And I just bet it'll be because H2T has had contact with her. Mr. "never" will strike again so stay tuned folks!

Not a chance

[whichwayisup]

And I just bet it'll be because H2T has had contact with her. Mr. "never" will strike again so stay tuned folks!

 

He's said he doesn't want anything to do with her. Infact, he wants a restraining order against her, so why would he contact her?

where did i say that?

 

Newbby, you didn't say that. That was me talking. Meaning, if she comes by the house afew more times, does she still deserve an apology. That was what I meant.

 

And WhichWayIsUp .. thanks for the link .. I'm reading it right now.

You're welcome.

 

Oh and just to let you know, Dazed and his wife are together.

[BUTAFLY]

I say in January '07 we have an awards ceromony for best thread or '06. This will definately be at the top of my list.

[Last Mohegan]

Gosh, I don't know, everything else he's said has been so credible. You're kidding, right?

 

He's said he doesn't want anything to do with her. Infact, he wants a restraining order against her, so why would he contact her?

[newbby]

Not a chance

 

i believe most mm think it proves more love to their w to hate the ow, or maybe you do actually hate her. however you should seperate the two and deal with both individually, and with responsibility. dont you really think the ow deserves an apology, and being told that it was the end from you rather than the police? after all, you convinced us that you loved her, you must have convinced her of the same thing. i know that she broke your trust when she told your w, but you had already broken her trust, several times.

[a4a]

Well lets all worry about the OW in this situation.

 

Do you know who comes first and deserves the first F-ing apology?

 

Those kids! That is who deserves the first damn apology. From the whole stinking lot of them.... the bad wife who neglected her husband, the husband who is a disrespectful jerk that cannot face his problems, and from the OW who knew her actions getting involved with a married man could destroy their family. 3 very selfish people....

 

H2T you and your wife need to go to MC regardless if you stay together or not to learn how to communicate for the sake of your kids. If she won't go you step up as a father and a human and get IC ASAP.

 

And do you think they should all meet and have a spot of tea so they can have a nice conversation about the affair? Please now is not the time for apologies to be worried about unless it is H2T apologizing to get over the first hurdle to mend his marriage.

[newbby]

He's said he doesn't want anything to do with her. Infact, he wants a restraining order against her, so why would he contact her?

because its typical i suppose

 

Newbby, you didn't say that. That was me talking. Meaning, if she comes by the house afew more times, does she still deserve an apology. That was what I meant.

jestful once again wwiu!

but however, this situation hasnt happened, and its not what we were discussing. IF it were to happen, and to be honest, it probably will, i cannot imagine anything more frustrating and humiliating than to want a simple truth from the horses mouth and maybe an apology and get treated like a criminal for it. this sort of treatment probably guarantees further contact. a simple apology, thats all he needs to do if he wants rid of her, the chance to walk away with dignity is not alot to ask for, and not hard to give, but nobody is listening to me, so yeah, she probably will try again.

[Hard2Think]

I'm not trying to prove anything to W by "hating" OW. In fact I don't hate her at all. I feel bad for what she has to go through - but she did something crazy and very hurtful. I don't want to see her again. Even if things don't work out with W, I still never want to see OW again.

 

She knew it was the end when she confonted W and yelled "tell him to leave me alone". It's over no matter what. That is one thing that W will eventually realize is a done deal.

 

i believe most mm think it proves more love to their w to hate the ow, or maybe you do actually hate her. however you should seperate the two and deal with both individually, and with responsibility. dont you really think the ow deserves an apology, and being told that it was the end from you rather than the police? after all, you convinced us that you loved her, you must have convinced her of the same thing. i know that she broke your trust when she told your w, but you had already broken her trust, several times.

[BUTAFLY]

your right every post H2T posted up until 'THE BIG INCIDENT' was about how in love he was and how genuine his feelings were for ow. He had me convienced to.

you must have convinced her of the same thing. i know that she broke your trust when she told your w, but you had already broken her trust, several times.

[Ladyjane14]

H2T, you should maintain NO CONTACT with the OW for the rest of your life if you wants a chance at rebuilding your family dynamic.

 

I've got a bunch more to comment on later... but for now, I have to disagree with the idea of contacting the OW for ANY reason. I know you've expressed a committment to NC already, but it's important that you stand on that decision firmly.

[newbby]

Well lets all worry about the OW in this situation.

 

Do you know who comes first and deserves the first F-ing apology?

 

Those kids! That is who deserves the first damn apology. From the whole stinking lot of them.... the bad wife who neglected her husband, the husband who is a disrespectful jerk that cannot face his problems, and from the OW who knew her actions getting involved with a married man could destroy their family. 3 very selfish people....

 

H2T you and your wife need to go to MC regardless if you stay together or not to learn how to communicate for the sake of your kids. If she won't go you step up as a father and a human and get IC ASAP.

 

And do you think they should all meet and have a spot of tea so they can have a nice conversation about the affair? Please now is not the time for apologies to be worried about unless it is H2T apologizing to get over the first hurdle to mend his marriage.

 

well yes, but if it were all handled from this point on with maturity then there is no need for the kids to be affected. dont be negative, the kids can be protected from this if everybody deals with it in an adult and responsible manner. i believe an apology is an adult thing to do and a mature way to handle things. it is usually the way these things are handled that effects the kids, i really believe this to be true. but for gods sake, dont start limiting the kids by labelling them all damaged.

[newbby]

I'm not trying to prove anything to W by "hating" OW. In fact I don't hate her at all. I feel bad for what she has to go through - but she did something crazy and very hurtful. I don't want to see her again. Even if things don't work out with W, I still never want to see OW again.

of course not. nobody is suggesting you should see her again. but surely her crazy and hurtful is no more crazy and hurtful than what you did.

She knew it was the end when she confonted W and yelled "tell him to leave me alone". It's over no matter what. That is one thing that W will eventually realize is a done deal.

 

sure, maybe i am wrong. i just think that things are better tied up with an apology than with legal action. i dont know, it just seems so unneccessary.

[Hard2Think]

your right every post H2T posted up until 'THE BIG INCIDENT' was about how in love he was and how genuine his feelings were for ow. He had me convienced to.

You know - it's what I actually felt at the time. You may never have experienced what I'm experiencing .. but right now I feel absolutely nothing for the OW as was pining for a couple of weeks ago and I feel nothing but desire to reconcile with W that I couldn't wait to get away from.

 

Why? I can't tell .. but I suspect it's because my previous feelings were based on fantasy which evaporated once reality set in. I realized that I never really loved OW and that I loved W all along. I had allowed myself to feel hurt and rejected by W and thus felt justified in what I did. I was so angry at her at times, that I wanted to just tell her I was f*ckign someone else just so she would stop being so smug about treating me like sh*t for so long.

 

It's all very complex. But after the "incident" as you call it - I realized that the marriage was more important that I thought and OW just wasn't.

 

I'm also aware of myself idealizing W in spite of the things she has done to me. She has been downright awful to me. My father and a couple of my close friends were downright shocked at times when they saw what she would do. I keep forgetting these things and thinking that things were happy and blissful. They were not. I had actually consulted a divorce lawyer a year and a half ago before there was any OW. But I want to find a way to keep us together now.

 

Maybe that doesn't make any sense to you - but I was expressing what I truly felt at the time. I've been wavering and faltering back and forth, I know. But that's where I was.