I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with WWIU on the idea that your wife is going to be up and down emotionally. It's like being on some sort of nightmare rollercoaster for the BS. You did the right thing. "Honey, I'm so sorry that what I did made you feel like this"... will go a long way toward acknowledging her pain without minimizing it.

 

In many ways, my situation mirrors Striving's. My husband and I are 2+ years into our "honeymoon phase". This is status quo for us now. So yeah... it's possible to change the whole dynamic and keep it going.

 

I still think you should avail yourselves of MC though. IME, there were times we went together and times we went separately. Early in recovery, it's sometimes a difficult prospect to allow conflict. No one wants to rock the boat.

But conflict is a necessary component of problem-solving, so it's important that you two grow in skill and confidence as you tackle the original marital problems. The MC can give you tools to use in strengthening your communications, as well as an objective third party to share your fears with.

 

On average, it takes TWO YEARS to fully heal a marriage after an infidelity. So, you've still got a long row to hoe.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Striving,

 

Great post -! Thanks! That is very similar to what we're going through .. I sensed that you chose not to got through MC. Is that right?

 

Your welcome. You are correct that we chose not to go through MC. Not because I didn't suggest it, but because of the type of person my H is. Having a third-party involved, knowing all the little details, shoot, even any major ones, would bother him so much that the outcome wouldn't have benefited US. I know that sounds funny given that he had an EA with someone; however, he never gave her any personal information about himself, all the talks revolved around current events and work (she was a co-worker). I know this not only because he told me (and to those doubters yes, he could have lied), but because when I met with her, she really didn't have a clue as to the real him. Not only his likes/dislikes, hobbies, even things he would do on the weekends, etc., but some pretty major stuff she should have known considering she invited him to move in with her. But hey, that is water on the bridge now. He just isn't one to tell anyone anything personal.

 

Although we didn't go to MC, that isn't to say not going is for everyone. There were many times that I think MC would have helped us go through all the ups/downs and set the stage for better communication, which while our communication is much better than it was, it could probably still stand to get better. Obviously we are polar opposites on this as I have no problem talking with anyone.

 

Your ups and downs will continue for awhile just as WWIU and LJ have said. There are still times now when I look at him and get so angry at what he did and he didn't even sleep with her. Some people will say that a PA is more hurtful than an EA, and some vice-versa ... I am of the belief that both are just as hurtful, either way the betrayal cuts just as deep. But, with that said I also am also SO glad that I don't have the thoughts of them actually together floating through my head, which your wife will. It is now your job to support her through it all and as LJ said, "Honey, I'm so sorry that what I did made you feel like this"... will go a long way toward acknowledging her pain without minimizing it.

 

If I can offer another bit of advice ... something that drove me crazy. Try as hard as you can to never say something to the effect of "aren't you over this yet" or "let it go" type comments when two months, six months, etc. down the road she asks you a question she has already asked multiple times. Doing so will only minimize her feelings and make her feel that you aren't as remorseful as you should be and, more importantly, that you don't respect what she is going through. While yes, you will feel like she is beating a dead horse (another comment my H liked to make), SHE asks the questions in order to enable her the ability to process all the information and some people take longer than others. Eventually I came to realize that I was beating the horse ... but I had to come to that conclussion on my own. Any help from him was not appreciated by me. Another area where I think MC would have helped us/me. And, even though I now realize that to ask questions would defeat the purpose, there are still times that I want to ask something, but in actuality, the only reason why I want to ask is because at that point in time I am feeling insecure and if my H would just say "Honey, I'm so sorry that what I did made you feel like this"... my need to ask anything further would be obsolete and I would feel the security that my questions were looking for.

[kingbee930]

im glad for u bruhman, u seem to be on a good path for what my opinion is worth. now remember to stop and smell the roses, and that there are usually three sides to a situation; ur side, her side, and the truth. the last one is most of the time all that matters, not that ur sides arent important, but the bottom line is when u truly find someone that loves ur stanky drawers, u do stuff to keep them around. dont get caught up in trying to prove points, becuz the differences sometimes are the spices of the gumbo that marriage is. the beauty of marriage is the bigger vessel that the two energies pour into. u dont lose the individuality becuz of this vessel but u bring it to the table and accept it for what it is. if we were all made the same this would be an unbearable world. and lastly i speak a bit harshly to you bruhman because a. im pretty sure u can take it, and 2. (like my counting skillz huh) u are basically the trendsetter. alot of stuf fis gonna rise and fall according to how u handle stuff. they ( ur family) r gonna take their cues from u, and u cant crack under pressure, or if u do steady urself and persevere. but thats another thread..... good luck to u in the future bruhman keep ur queen on her throne in ur heart first and all else will get in line. marriage does not come with instructions and it was not promised to be easy but then again would u appreciate it if it were? 3000 dude.

[PoshPrincess]

Do the right thing by your OW and leave the marital home. I am an OW, (well, maybe not anymore), and I totally understand how she feels. SHE doesn't know what goes on under your roof. You've done the hard part by asking your wife for a divorce so if you really love your OW then you have to be there for HER now. Explain all your fears to her; don't shut her out. This is what my MM does and it drives me insane. It's the not knowing that's the worse part and I know he only does it to try and protect me; he doesn't want to drag me into his problems. Thing is, I want him to. I want to know everything and be there for him no matter what and I feel I need to know what's going on. I didn't even know when he left, although it was probably just as well as he went back after three days (because of the kids apparently). OW needs you to understand why she feels the way she does. Don't give up; she loves you but she's scared of being let down. Plenty of MMs leave and go back and this fear must be doubled all the time you're still living with your wife.

[PoshPrincess]

Yes I did tell her about all that. I even offered to let her listen tp the message she left on my voicemail - but she didn't take me up on it. Her only concern ws that ex-OW may show up and hurt the kids - but I assured her that there is just no way. If fact I'm sure I'll never hear from her again and I told my wife that.

 

Thanks for the encouraging words ..

 

Just getting the hang of this site and realised I replied to one of your much earlier threads so my advice has come far too late.

 

Obviously it has been very hard for me reading your later threads as I am a OW but it seems that you have sorted your life out so good on you. You have done the right thing by all concerned. If you can reconcile your differences with your wife then you and the OW were obviously never meant to be. I wish you lots of luck.

[lovernotafighter]

I'm glad he's working on his marriage..but I just don't understand how he did a total 180 at break neck speed..guess love isn't unconditional after all?

[Hard2Think]

Yesterday started out with some difficulty for my wife. She started having second thoughts about staying with me and was no longer sure she could ever forgive me. Of course, this comes after speaking with her well-meaning close girlfriend who is herself having marital difficulties. I don't know what their conversation was, but I know she leans towards telling her to leave when they do talk.

 

But we went out for lunch and she was back wanting to stay. I guess it's part of the ups and downs you all were talking about .. In the end I'm pretty sure she won't leave - but it just won't be easy for awhile. She expressed a desire to see the MC - so we'll be keeping the appointment.

 

By nighttime - we we're back to our honeymoon stage. One of the things I decided to do is go to bed at the same time as she does - even if she usually goes to bed at around 9:30. This used to be one of her complaints .. that we never went to bed at the same time. I'm usually a major night owl - so this ain't easy. But now I get up at the same time as she does and we spend a little more time together.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

One of the things I did as a reaction was to tell other people about what was going on. Now, of course, I regret it. But at the time, not only was I not in my right mind for obvious reasons, but I needed the support and ears of other people. The trouble was other people who cared for me were now aware of my heartbreak and they couldn’t comprehend how on earth I could forgive my H and stay with him. So, I heard it from several different angles that I should leave, that I shouldn’t forgive him, that I should kick him out, that I should cheat on him. All kinds of advice, but advice that wasn’t right for me.

 

What your wife will have to do is sort through not only her emotions, her wants and needs, but all those well meaning bits of advice. As long as YOU stay the course and be there to support HER through her ups and downs, she will be able to wade through it all and make the right decisions for her and for you both.

 

There are some friendships that could be lost, or changed, due to their inability to support her decisions. As an example, she commits herself to you and the marriage yet this one friend is constantly telling her to leave. As long as you are giving your wife more positive feelings then negative ones, eventually your wife will get tired of the negative feelings she is getting from her friend and will begin to avoid her.

 

Of course, there you are stuck in the middle, you can’t say anything negative about the situation or her friend because you will come off as the a**hole. What you CAN do though is just continue to support your wife. If the communication is open, which it should continue to be, and your wife is telling you bits and pieces of their conversations then you can make positive comments here and there that will help support the marriage. Whatever you do, don’t bad mouth her friend because to your wife right now, her friend didn’t betray her, you did. So it will only make you look bad if you say something degrading, mean, or just against her friend at all. It is human nature for people to avoid unpleasant situations and veer towards those that make them happy. Which is why I say that if her friend continues to be negative about your wife’s decision, then your wife won’t be contacting her as much.

 

Yes, losing a friendship, or a friendship changing is unfortunate (obviously one of my friendships changed significantly), but to me, my husband and my family were more important. I miss her friendship, but I don’t miss the negativity, or her lack of support of something I needed to do.

 

Relative to yesterday not being that good of a day to start with. You must remember that her moods will fluctuate not only daily, but sometimes two or three times a day. The only thing you can do is support her and remember Lady Jane’s advice - acknowledge her pain without minimizing it. A fine line to walk, but something you are more than able to do. Eventually her moods swings will get less and less. Right now it will be daily, in a month in MIGHT be once or twice a week, in three months it MIGHT be once a week and then a year from now it might be once every other month or so. The point is ... it is just going to take time and you will have to be patient. The good thing is ... even though she has the mood swings, you two are still together and getting along better than you were in the past few months/years, right?

 

An interesting point you made about a previous conflict you and your wife had about not going to bed at the same time. You not going to bed when she did probably made her feel like you didn’t want to be with her. When you would argue about it she was trying to tell you that, but the only way she knew how to communicate it to you was to tell you she didn’t like it and probably complain about how you were a night owl. You probably took it as nagging, or her just finding a reason to fight. However, for a woman to feel that someone doesn’t want to be with her repeatedly, whether or not it was a true reflection of what you actually felt, will only ensure she won’t respond to any type of sexual advance. Which in hindsight, can give you a pretty good idea of maybe where your one of your actions (unknowingly and unintentionally) were causing her to react in a way you didn’t like. Going to bed early may be quite a stretch for you, but I’m sure she knows that. However, by doing that you are showing her that you want to be with her and that other things, t.v., newspaper, computer, work, etc., can’t compare to your time spent with her. In the beginning of your relationship I’m sure you guys went to bed at the same time for the most part which allowed for quiet, intimate time, something that is probably a big and major need of hers (affection). Then, life took over and “poof,” less affection equaled less sex, less time to talk equaled less communication, etc., etc. to where you are today.

 

Anyway, there is a huge bright side to going to bed at the same time - - - it DOES have its benefits and it goes a long way in ensuring the “honeymoon” stage doesn’t end.

 

In reading your posts I get the feeling that you believe your needs are the same needs she should have. They are probably far from it which is something both my husband and I were guilty of. And, by the way, I know I’ve probably just confused you. I had no idea about the varying types of "Needs" an individual can have and how different they are for each person. A book was recommended to me (thanks to Lady Jane) that both my husband and I read ... it has made a HUGE difference in how we both see things now and honestly, it gave us knowledge we lacked which has enabled us to still be in this “honeymoon” stage. You should get it and read it at the same time as your wife reads it. You'll understand what I mean after you read it.

 

It is called His Needs/Her Needs ... How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. While the title might put some people off (How to Affair Proof Your Marriage ... I know - it put my husband off) what you will both get from this book is a much clearer understanding not only of your significant other’s needs, but your own.

[Ladyjane14]

Great post, Striving.

 

Your wife will straighten her friends and family members out when they start plucking her nerves, H2T. You don't have to worry about that. It's not really the influence of these people which is affecting her. It's actually YOU.

 

When she's in your company, she's okay. When you aren't right there with her... she's feeling the pain and anger. She's insecure. And your physical presence makes her feel better. It comforts her to have you near, believe it or not.

 

It's weird how the one who hurt us can be the ONLY one who makes us feel better.

But more often then not, that's what happens during the recovery phase after an infidelity.

 

You might consider opening up a posting journal for the two of you. Just a spiral notebook will do. Each of you can make entries in it as if you were writing an interactive letter to one another.

 

It will help her to have a place to put her insecurities when the two of you aren't together. And it'll help you BOTH to address any misunderstandings or miscommunications. Writing tends to slow down the thought process. It takes the emotional heat out of your words because you're thinking them out a little more before committing yourself to them.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks for your posts! They keep me going - especially during my wife's "down" times.

 

Everything was great up until last night - and she was almost as angry with me then as she was when she first found out about OW. I realy thought he wanted to end all of this once and for all.

 

This morning was better, but not quite the same as it was the day before. Hopefully things will look up again today. She just keeps telling me that she doesn't think she'll ever forget and she says that if she can't forget -then how can she stay with me?

 

I know, and I expected, she would have trust issues. She keeps asking me if OW ever calls. When I say no - she's very skeptical. But I set up my email to block OW and I deleted her from IM. I haven't figured out how to block the phone .. but if she calls I'll tell my wife. But I understand that she can't trust me right now.

 

I know she's trying, I know she's stuggling. I just wish I could do something to make her feel better.

 

The strangest thing is - I don't miss OW at all. I can't explain it really. I just have no desire and I feel no feeling of longing for her at all. At the same time I love my wife, but I also feel angry (even though I don't express it) at the way she has no realization of what she's put me through all those years.

 

She's so loving and caring now (when things are good) and yet she couldn't bring herself to be that way before?

 

I asked her what, if anything, I could have said in the past to make her realize that I felt neglected in the marriage. She said I could have threatened to leave. I then asked her why, when I asked for a divorce, did she not ask what she could do to prevent it .. She thought about it and her answer was "pride".

 

I'm concerned that this may be the crux of her pain. Her pride has been hurt because her husband has been with another and she didn't know. Not that she fears losing me nor that she feels impending loss.

 

She rarely wanted to show me affection, love, or sexual desire in the past - and yet she's so distraught that I did this with someone else. I just have a hard time understanding that part.

[whichwayisup]

I know, and I expected, she would have trust issues. She keeps asking me if OW ever calls. When I say no - she's very skeptical. But I set up my email to block OW and I deleted her from IM. I haven't figured out how to block the phone .. but if she calls I'll tell my wife. But I understand that she can't trust me right now.

 

Go one step further...Give your wife the password to your email account. Just so SHE can settle her nerves if she is wondering if OW contacted you. Show her that you've blocked the OW as well.

 

All you can do is let your wife go through the stages of this. Support her, love her and do what she needs you to do. (I hope you're still reading Dazed's thread!!)

 

She rarely wanted to show me affection, love, or sexual desire in the past - and yet she's so distraught that I did this with someone else. I just have a hard time understanding that part.

 

What you have to understand about her is, before she may not have had alot of intimacy and sex with you - But you were faithful to her at one time...Now, she knows you weren't. And it's not about just the sex, it's the intimate part, the emotional side of it. Most women cannot separate sex and love. Most men can, and honestly, I have a hard time understanding sex without intimacy and emotional feelings.

[whichwayisup]

It's good that you don't miss the OW because that transition of moving on and working on your marriage will be easier on you. You don't have any lingering feelings to deal with or get over. Tell your wife that as well. Be a complete open book to her about the OW etc...

[Hard2Think]

Yeah - I really don't miss her. But my wife has a hard time believing that. The biggest problem is that she read those emails that OW gave her - and judging from them, I can see why she might think that. I thought I was in love with OW, but I think I realize now that I just loved the fact that OW was so "into" me - and I was saying things to fuel that fire. That's might mighty hard for my wife to accept without thinking I'm just minimizing. But that's what it was.

 

Yesterday was odd in that she didn't display any hate nor any real love especially. It's as though we're getting back into that groove again - which does worry me just a little. I don't know what' going through her mind, and I'm almost afraid to ask.

 

We are seeing the MC this coming week, though.

 

On the other hand, she went and reserved a fancy hotel room just for the 2 of us on my birthday coming up soon .

 

It's good that you don't miss the OW because that transition of moving on and working on your marriage will be easier on you. You don't have any lingering feelings to deal with or get over. Tell your wife that as well. Be a complete open book to her about the OW etc...

[whichwayisup]

Yeah - I really don't miss her. But my wife has a hard time believing that. The biggest problem is that she read those emails that OW gave her - and judging from them, I can see why she might think that. I thought I was in love with OW, but I think I realize now that I just loved the fact that OW was so "into" me - and I was saying things to fuel that fire. That's might mighty hard for my wife to accept without thinking I'm just minimizing. But that's what it was.

 

You got caught up in the lust and excitement of it all. I'm sure it feels bloody amazing to know someone is soo into you, waiting for you, wanting to just please you...It's such an ego feed and seeing as (no offense) you're a guy, the sex thing took over and made you feel that "addiction" that many OW go through with their MM's too. It's very easy to mix up feelings of attachment and sexual desire with love. You cared about the OW at the time, and it probably could have grown into something very serious if things had not worked out at home and the whole situation was different (OW not showing the emails to your wife), but, you woke up, smelled the coffee and realized the love you have for your wife was there all along. Just got hidden away for a while due to the state of your marriage.

 

Keep the faith, and try not to over think things. Your wife IS going to be up and down - So expect it and try to give her the space when she needs it. I'm sure you'll know the times to stay away abit, knowing her moods etc.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks, WWIU. I guess today is one of my down days. I just feel like I've been kidding myself. I feel as though I'm going to be stuck in a ****ty marriage forever. I just don't know if she wants to keep this together for any reasons other than convenience - which is how I felt before all this happened.

 

The affair is just one more stick I just gave her to beat me with from now on.

[silktricks]

Thanks, WWIU. I guess today is one of my down days. I just feel like I've been kidding myself. I feel as though I'm going to be stuck in a ****ty marriage forever. I just don't know if she wants to keep this together for any reasons other than convenience - which is how I felt before all this happened.

 

The affair is just one more stick I just gave her to beat me with from now on.

 

Please, please, please get into some counseling, like NOW!! Both IC and MC. (and give your wife a break - this isn't all just about you, ya know.) She's got a LOT to deal with right now. The odds are that she was pretty angry with you before all this started to have acted the way she did, and now she's just off the charts.

 

So now she's dealing with the backlog of what she wasn't dealing with before, and add to it the affair(s), just exactly what is it that you expect from the woman? You chose to deal with your marriage problems by having an affair, she chose to deal with them by removing herself from you emotionally and sexually. Who can say which is worse?

 

If you want the marriage to work, you're going to need to learn to have patience, and actually deal with problems instead of immediately assuming that what you want is exactly what should be. There is another person in the equation, you know. (I think the thing I'm trying to say here is that you really need to grow up a little - or maybe even a lot.)

[lover's rock]

This will be the difficult part. But push through. There are rewards to be had down the road. You'll both be stronger and better once you get through this. Seek MC to guide you through the dark cave.

 

Your marriage didn't get in disarray in a day. It took years (I'm sure). And Rome wasn't built in a day. So as hard as it is you're going to have to show some good faith and start working on this bridge alone. Eventually after all the blame and anger simmers down, she'll pick up a hammer and start working on the bridge to each other's hearts with you. This is difficult but magnify your friendship between each other. Start by establishing the basic foundations of respect and trust with each other first. The rest will come soon after.

 

I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and that this just won't work out but make a solemn pact to never pack your bags. Just stick it out no matter how difficult it gets. It's going to seem like you're taking one step forward and two steps back but it'll all be worth it in the end.

 

Trust me, I know. My husband and I are actually at the point where we are hugging each other on a daily basis now (lol as trivial as that may seem). He calls me on his own without any prompting from me and even seems happy to see me sometimes and kisses me on the lips. All from being patient and doing our best to keep arguments to a minimum and showing good faith in one another. We both made a pact to actually try and since then (with lots of prayer and counseling), things have been moving along nicely.

 

Be patient. These initial stages are so hard but if you can get through them, the reward will be waiting. Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

The affair is just one more stick I just gave her to beat me with from now on.

 

That's your fear of conflict again. It was conflict avoidance that brought you to the place where your at. It's time to defeat that mindset.

 

You've had some good advice here in these last couple of posts.

You've got an opportunity to "push through" and face it down this time. Be patient, and commit yourself to doing the work. It's a process.... and the process itself can be rewarding. Kind of like baking cookies as opposed to just eating them. It's work... but the effort itself has it's own rewards.

 

Conflict doesn't have to be all about yelling and screaming and people being unhappy. It can be about bringing the problems to the table and negotiating for solutions. It's not important that the solutions be found immediately. For now, it enough that there's work-in-progress.

[Hard2Think]

LadyJane, LR ;

 

Thanks for your kind words. I'm fine - yesterday was tough, but today is much better. We're actually quite affectionate with each other as days go by.

 

I won't be packing my bags unless things seem hopeless - and we're a long way from there. I'm on track and I can see that she wants to keep this together as well.

 

It's like you all said - there will be ups and downs ..

[Hard2Think]

Today is going to be a rough day .. she had a dream last night that there were 2 other women besides this OW. So at 5 AM she's asking me if there were any more. I of course said no, but then she dismissed that by saying "So - you wouldn't tell me anyway. I never would have known about this one if she never had come by".

 

I'm pretty sure that'll pass - but probably not before tomorrow or later.

 

LR,

 

I just went over the thread you started a while back. You seem incredibly forgiving! I don't know if that's because of you are pregnant and focusing on getting your husband back .. but I'm amazed.

 

I'm interested in knowing how you're handling this. Do you feel like you hate him sometimes? If you had not been pregnant - would things have been different? Do you think you can ever forgive him? And on thing I didn't get from your thread .. did he give you a reason for having an OW that makes any sense to you?

[whichwayisup]

Today is going to be a rough day .. she had a dream last night that there were 2 other women besides this OW. So at 5 AM she's asking me if there were any more. I of course said no, but then she dismissed that by saying "So - you wouldn't tell me anyway. I never would have known about this one if she never had come by".

 

I'm pretty sure that'll pass - but probably not before tomorrow or later.

You keep on telling your wife that there was noone else, just that one OW. Explain to her that you're upfront and honest no matter what - Even if it hurts her, you're going to be truthful about ANYTHING that she asks about. It may hurt her, but it's the honesty she's looking for...All that is about her not trusting you at your word. I mean, you can't blame her for that.

 

All you can do is keep talking, show in action that you want to be there as well...

 

Yup, it will pass, but it will come back again...And again. Most people say it takes a good year or more to work through infidelity and learn how to "be" together again. Maybe even 2 years, depending on the people and how quickly things are working out.

[crazy_grl]

Today is going to be a rough day .. she had a dream last night that there were 2 other women besides this OW. So at 5 AM she's asking me if there were any more. I of course said no, but then she dismissed that by saying "So - you wouldn't tell me anyway. I never would have known about this one if she never had come by".

 

Didn't you say that you've had another OW before this one? Forgive me if I'm getting my cheating H's mixed up, but if so how do you expect to get anywhere by lying to her more?

[Guest]

You know… I find this story awfully disturbing. I read the entire thread, from where it all begun. And really, I even felt some sympathy for you at some point and could understand where you were coming from, but the recent posts confuse the heck out of me. You just totally lied to your wife again!!

 

You don’t deserve any of them, neither the OW nor your wife. You lied back then and you continue on lying. You don’t really know what you want; that’s the bottom line.

[JamesM]

H2T, I have mixed feelings on telling her about another OW. I will be shot for this.

 

Now that you have lied..it will be hard to recant and tell her. But I still wonder if the total truth was the best thing. However, saying that you have had feelings for someone else but it didn't get to be like this one may have helped evade the OW lie. Telling her there was another woman would probably also bring new problems. Yet, the truth shall set you free. Now that she has asked and you have lied, you will still carry this bit of guilt wondering how she would feel if she knew EVERYTHING. And at some point, you may slip up and then your troubles will be worse than now.

 

If it was me, I probably would have said the same thing, or I would have used the "I had feelings for someone, but it never became as serious as this one. She and I never really hooked up. It was just a crush. This one was my big mistake."

 

But please remember for us here reading this...it appears that you are not as willing as you say to be honest and come clean. You are now going to carry this lie into your "new" relationship with her. And it does give the appearance that you are doing what it takes to keep her, but not doing what it takes to build an open relationship with her. This is not being judgmental...just observing.

 

Yes, I went in circles. I am not sure if total honesty was best, yet I know it would have been right.

[lover's rock]

LR,

 

I just went over the thread you started a while back. You seem incredibly forgiving! I don't know if that's because of you are pregnant and focusing on getting your husband back .. but I'm amazed.

 

I'm interested in knowing how you're handling this. Do you feel like you hate him sometimes? If you had not been pregnant - would things have been different? Do you think you can ever forgive him? And on thing I didn't get from your thread .. did he give you a reason for having an OW that makes any sense to you?

 

Actually we both threw knives at each other. My situation is a bit different from most BS here. Both my husband and I are living in a glass house.

 

I went on a major rollercoaster for a long time. Sometimes I did hate him. Sometimes he hated me too. It was really hard because I believe my husband genuinely had feelings for his OW. I've progressed alot though and now I see that she is not a threat. I used to think that I had to compete...that him having an OW meant that I wasn't good enough. That's not true. There were issues there and once I started concentrating on healing the rift between he and I, she faded out of the picture much quicker than I could've hoped.

 

Reasons? She provided to him what he was not getting from me at the time. He could not believe that I could give it to him. Now I am proving (and he is proving as well) that we can be that for each other. She was his security blanket. Once his fears minimized enough, he let go of his security blanket and our bond was renewed.

 

He says that things wouldn't have been different if I wasn't pregnant. I think maybe they might've been a little different. He looks at me adoringly now partially because I am carrying his child. The other part because of the children that we already have together. In a sense, we have received a second chance. We both agreed to name our child a name that means "God is Good/Gracious" because we believe this is our second shot at doing this right.

 

I have forgiven him and this is why...I know the man. And inspite of this situation, he is a wonderful man. I'm grateful to get the chance to show him the way that I should.

 

It's not all rosey. Sometimes insecurities creep into my mind but I've done a good job at keeping them at bay. I've tried to trust him inspite of and he's been very accountable to me. We are doing alot of healing and depositing into our love banks (marriage builder speak). But I know that this is just the beginning. We still have some ways to go before we are completely clear of this thing. But I think that we've at least gotten past the anger stage of shouting the record at each other. Sometimes it's mentioned but it's touched on lightly and we quickly move on.

 

Take a day at a time and time will tell. If today wasn't too good...tomorrow will be better. Eventually months will have passed and you look back and see progress. Gradually time will sort everything out and everything will be a faded memory.