I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Guest]

OMG!!! Read everything and am now up to date.

 

H2T you are my H and as such, I love you. And, I am your wife. Well not IRL anyway. But our sitch's could be switched and our family and friends wouldn't know the diff. My H had an EA though, not a PA.

 

Man, look. I think your W needs a little bit of compassion from you. When you are viewing her through the lense of the A and making comparisons, that is not fair. Right now you are only going by your own perceptions without any input from her. And that again is not fair. My H has a tendency to feel something and then tell me that is what I feel. WRONG. Its his feeling that he is making reality. Same thing with you. Back up. Breathe. Count to 4,000 but know that you cannot assume to know what her motivations were.

 

You keep going back to when your father died. Did you have the expectation that she would do for you what you did for her when her mother died? Her mother died suddenly of pneumonia, you said? I bet she looked horrible in the end. Maybe your father's appearance triggered her and she was unable to help you and decided that the vacation would soothe her sense of lost. I am not saying that she was right, but suggesting that you stop with the she doesn't cares.

 

My MIL died three years ago and when my H was in his EA, he kept telling me about how I acted when his mom died. I don't like being around sick people in hospitals or terminally ill people. And I escpecially have NO tolerance for bodies. I had an uncle that abused me when I was very young that I was forced to visit and show affection towards when he was in the hospital. My mother even tried to get me to kiss his body in the casket at the funeral. No thanks. He was her favorite brother and she must have assumed my favorite uncle by extension. Either way, I was as supportive as I could have been when my MIL died. I sang at the funeral regardless of the triggers that I had. TWICE. When I was consoling myself for my ordeal of being so close to what literally makes me sick, I was chided for not being supportive. Because I wasn't out meeting and mingling with family that travelled the world over to be there.

 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is stop holding that over her head. Reconcilliation is letting the past be, but looking to the future with renewed commitment and vigor. Rehashing that is going to get you exactly what you have, an unmitigation anger. Ask her about the sitch with your father in a tone that is not angry or disrespectful and you may be surprised with her answers. Regardless of what has transpired in the past, if you are reconciling (notice I did not say trying - that is such a copout), you will need to stop dredging it back up as justification for your anger.

 

I get that you are angry, but hurt is usually what's behind anger. Tell her how much it hurt to feel abandoned. Tell her about your feelings of abandonment when she left you after your surgery. Be open. That is what reconciliation is about. It is not tit-for-tat. Don't be afraid to reveal the wounds that you have to her (not all at once though) and give her the chance to show that she can or can't help them heal.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm going to come out and venture that you're in withdrawal right now.

 

I know you're going to say you're not, H2T but consider this-

before you had OW- to take the edge of your sexual frustration and make you feel loved- to whatever extent you guys got to be together/talk.

 

Since the Dday you haven't had that. Your feel good hormones are not popping up because she's not around to provide them.

 

Then- on the other hand- your wife is acting out of her pain and being rough on you. That combination is sure enough to make someone grouchy.

 

So, you're probably experiencing that- and lets just chalk it up to that right now. But if you want to recover you have got to stop this justification and entitlement position.

[Hard2Think]

Well thought out post and I took everything you said under consideration - but it's not the whole picture.

 

The deal with my dad was not the only one. If it was, I could point to something unusual that made her react that way in that particular situation. Her reaction was a pattern of not caring about anything but herself. My dad's death cut into her vacation - oh well. Too bad, so she went anyway. I did ask her calmly why she did that - and she has no answer except that it was "stupid". I wasn't asking her to look at my dad in the casket. It would have been nice to have her around as I dealt with this. What spouse does what she did? I spent New Year's day by myself that year.

 

As I look back at our marriage - I can think of nothing she has done just for me - except maybe in our early years of courtship. She has nothing to give me even if she decides to forgive me for the A. If she forgives me, then what? We're still back to the original issues that existed before the A. I was already ready to leave before the A. I had even seen a divorce lawyer a year and a half ago.

 

I let myself get subjected to constant emotional and verbal abuse from her for years and I thought I was somehow protecting her and being kind to her by not reacting in the same way. It's not in my nature to yell and call her names. I can't bring myself to do that to soemone I love. But nothing I did or did not do seemed to make any difference. I'm more angry at myself for having let myself get treated this way.

 

I sacrificed alot to do what I thought would make her happy and I didn't deserve that treatment. These are things she did TO me. I had an A, but that was for me not TO my wife - regardless of how she sees it.

 

I'm in a different place right now mentally than I have been these past couple of weeks. I empathize with my wife and do feel terrible for having causd her this pain. I think she's perfectly justified in hating me and being angry.

 

But at the same time, I'm more prepared to let this marriage go. I just cannot and won't go back to the way things were before. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who thinks so little of me to treat me this poorly. I won't have it anymore.

 

 

 

OMG!!! Read everything and am now up to date.

 

H2T you are my H and as such, I love you. And, I am your wife. Well not IRL anyway. But our sitch's could be switched and our family and friends wouldn't know the diff. My H had an EA though, not a PA.

 

Man, look. I think your W needs a little bit of compassion from you. When you are viewing her through the lense of the A and making comparisons, that is not fair. Right now you are only going by your own perceptions without any input from her. And that again is not fair. My H has a tendency to feel something and then tell me that is what I feel. WRONG. Its his feeling that he is making reality. Same thing with you. Back up. Breathe. Count to 4,000 but know that you cannot assume to know what her motivations were.

 

You keep going back to when your father died. Did you have the expectation that she would do for you what you did for her when her mother died? Her mother died suddenly of pneumonia, you said? I bet she looked horrible in the end. Maybe your father's appearance triggered her and she was unable to help you and decided that the vacation would soothe her sense of lost. I am not saying that she was right, but suggesting that you stop with the she doesn't cares.

 

My MIL died three years ago and when my H was in his EA, he kept telling me about how I acted when his mom died. I don't like being around sick people in hospitals or terminally ill people. And I escpecially have NO tolerance for bodies. I had an uncle that abused me when I was very young that I was forced to visit and show affection towards when he was in the hospital. My mother even tried to get me to kiss his body in the casket at the funeral. No thanks. He was her favorite brother and she must have assumed my favorite uncle by extension. Either way, I was as supportive as I could have been when my MIL died. I sang at the funeral regardless of the triggers that I had. TWICE. When I was consoling myself for my ordeal of being so close to what literally makes me sick, I was chided for not being supportive. Because I wasn't out meeting and mingling with family that travelled the world over to be there.

 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is stop holding that over her head. Reconcilliation is letting the past be, but looking to the future with renewed commitment and vigor. Rehashing that is going to get you exactly what you have, an unmitigation anger. Ask her about the sitch with your father in a tone that is not angry or disrespectful and you may be surprised with her answers. Regardless of what has transpired in the past, if you are reconciling (notice I did not say trying - that is such a copout), you will need to stop dredging it back up as justification for your anger.

 

I get that you are angry, but hurt is usually what's behind anger. Tell her how much it hurt to feel abandoned. Tell her about your feelings of abandonment when she left you after your surgery. Be open. That is what reconciliation is about. It is not tit-for-tat. Don't be afraid to reveal the wounds that you have to her (not all at once though) and give her the chance to show that she can or can't help them heal.

[Hard2Think]

I don't think I'm having withdrawals for OW. I do miss having love and intimacy - but my mind is not ready for that anyways right now. I'm not good company for the moment for anyone.

 

I think DDay was the best thing that could have happened. OW treated me well and was such an effective painkiller, that I was not motivated to address the real issues in the marriage. Without OW - I may have pushed for a divorce earlier and maybe W would have been more willing to look at our issues with some measure of seriousness.

 

I'm going to come out and venture that you're in withdrawal right now.

 

I know you're going to say you're not, H2T but consider this-

before you had OW- to take the edge of your sexual frustration and make you feel loved- to whatever extent you guys got to be together/talk.

 

Since the Dday you haven't had that. Your feel good hormones are not popping up because she's not around to provide them.

 

Then- on the other hand- your wife is acting out of her pain and being rough on you. That combination is sure enough to make someone grouchy.

 

So, you're probably experiencing that- and lets just chalk it up to that right now. But if you want to recover you have got to stop this justification and entitlement position.

[newbby]

i guess you have to take people as they are, and decide whether you can love them anyway. theres no point in living in the past. you should never be with someone that you have to change, because you cant change another person. i suppose this also applies to someone you have been married to, and trying to get back the person they were, or the person you thought they were. on the other hand, its quite a big risk, to throw away something and possibly lose a person who you once loved enough to marry. thats no small thing. its a risk because you might discover that she really was the person you loved that much all along, and your own perspective was warped. therefore your best option is to sort yourself out, independently of her, or anyone else for that matter. at least if you yourself are healthy, then you can see things clearly, including your own motivations. i dont neccessarily agree with counselling, although some people swear by it, but meditation and other alternative therapies can do wonders too.

[lover's rock]

You must be feeling pretty discouraged, H2T. And I can't blame you. The relationship you had before with your wife doesn't work for you. Obviously it doesn't work for her either. You both probably feel pretty hopeless right now.

 

As much as it hurts the old relationship must die. I know that it's difficult but you both have to build something new that works for you both. Whether you have the time and energy to put forth the work and effort is what you have to decide. It can be done. There are many examples. You have to decide if you want to. Can you live with yourselves if you never make the effort? If it could've been better but you never forged through this fire to see, can you live with that? You have to decide.

 

It takes time for anger and hurt on both of your parts to subside a little bit...enough for you both to forgive each other. During that time it may feel like you are in the same situation you were before. But how can you not be? You're angry, she's angry. Who's going to feel like meeting needs at a time like this? Surely you didn't expect fantasy island to appear once you decided to make things work with your wife?

 

Both of you are angry and need to give the situation some time to simmer down. Take it a day at a time. If you look at the week or the year or your future (which is probably trashed at this point), you will feel overwhelmed and say that you can't do this. But take it a day at a time. Don't worry about the future...don't fear the outcome. Just try...right now.

 

She'll have bad days. You'll have bad days. That's a given. Just forge through until things simmer down a bit and the pain has subsided enough for you both to feel good moments that are deep enough to hang on to. You don't have to do anything. Don't rehash, don't shout, don't yell...but don't say I love you or try to jump the gap too soon. You'll fall. Take it slow. Start to learn each other again. Practice being around each other.

 

Eventually you'll start learning and fulfilling all of those needs you never knew she had and she'll start fulfilling yours too. It's a slow process so don't rush. It didn't take overnight to get to this point. It won't take overnight to get out of it. But it will be the most rewarding thing you've ever accomplished.

[Guest]

H2T

 

I can't edit my previous post, but should have typed unrelenting, not unmitigation. LOL

 

One thing that my therapist made me promise was not to do anything permanent or drastic in my M for at least one year. I think someone gave the idea to promise not to leave for now. I think that making that promise to hang in there for one year is a good deal. That way, you both are showing your commitment to being rationaland level headed adults in this situation - AND your commitment to the M (which is something she is questioning out loud). Your therapist is likely to agree with waiting a year before any moving out, unless things get physical.

 

Do something to calm yourself down. Meditate quietly for 10 minutes a day. Think of nothing. Or mentally take yourself on a vacation to a pleasant part of your childhood. Stay away from images that will make you angry with W, like your father. If hearing the ocean relaxes you, visit the shore if youlive close enough. Take the children to a place with pizza and games and give her some alone time while you show your children that you will always be a part of their lives.

 

I think you should get a screening for depression. Its always a good idea to get a full check up physically and mentally in these situations so you can map your progress with facts and not feelings. Recommend the same to your W.

 

My heart goes out to you guys b/c I am only 7 months out myself and still feel the uncertainties. But thats a good thing to me. I once read a quote that said: If you start out with certainties you will come to doubts. But if you start by dealing with the doubts, you will end up with certainties. That's a rough paraphrase, I might add.

 

Focus on healing you right now. Your having had the A shows that you need to evaluate your choices, in the A and in the M. You have said more than once that you want to reconcile with W. I believe that in your heart of hearts you still do but are afraid. Afraid that she will just continue to hurt you. That's real. During your quiet times, think about those fears. Think about the things that trigger those fears. Don't dwell on this anger, its a protective mechanism that hinders healing. Acknowledge the anger but remove the blame. Look at the real feelings behind the anger. But stop the blame. Blame is a lose-lose situation.

 

Wishing you clarity, serenity, peace, and blessings.

[Guest]

This will be a roller coaster ride with your wife and it was to be expected.

 

But please keep faith and most importantly do not contact the other woman. She too deserves to find a man who will love only her.

 

And your marriage and wife deserves a fair chance. Who said that the road to recovery would be easy?

 

Good luck and keep the faith! :-)

 

John

[veronese]

You complain about your wife's lack of affection H2T, but throughout this exhausting thread I've seen little evidence of any lovable, endearing traits in you which would give her any reason to give you any.

 

In just over a week you went from despising your wife (or 'the wife' as you refer to her frequently) and wanting out of your lousey marriage because you were so in love with your OW you couldn't live without her, to hating your OW and suddenly back in love with your wife.

 

Ah, but you hardly paused for breath before listing your gripes about your wife in great detail. One of which was the story about your wife deserting you to go on vacation just after your father died, a sad tale of your wife's selfish and cruel behaviour at a time when you needed her support. There was hardly a dry eye in the house by the time you finished your story. In fact it was such a tear jerker you told us all again for good measure. It would take a stoney heart not to be moved and sympathetic.

 

The funny thing is though, you forgot to mention that when your father passed away and your wicked witch of a wife abandoned you, you were five or six months into your exhilerating, passionate, highly sexual affair with your OW. You remember, the one where the sex was so good and the excitement so intense both you and your mistress fell in love with each other?

 

I don't suppose your preoccupation with OW could have affected how you treated your wife could it? You couldn't maybe have pissed your wife off just a teeny weeny bit by having a mistress on the side? You don't think you might have neglected your wife during the six months leading up to your father's death?

 

You see I just wondered if along with omitting the small detail of this incident co-inciding with you having your highly enjoyable affair, you may have left out one or two other facts that explain why your wife wasn't behaving like a dutiful little wifey towards you. Maybe you were getting enough emotional support from your OW per chance?

 

Go on, tell me H2T, I bet you've got another tale to tell us about how the very thought of you being less than perfect is unimaginable.

 

It's been only three weeks since you were busted and already you are weary of your wife's ongoing anger and resentment and have tired of dealing with the hassle.

 

Why anyone gives you their time and energy baffles me. You've received more support than you probably deserve and still don't understand the reality of your situation.

 

My opinion? I hope you leave your wife. Soon.

 

The way you have treated her and your OW , the way you change your mind so easily and switch your emotions on and off like a switch of a light, the way you blame anyone but yourself, the way you barely mention your children or how this is affecting them, the way you seem to believe you've been a perfect husband to your less than perfect wife, the way you are totally clueless about how to conduct a respectful, loving relationship with anyone suggests to me that your wife would be better off without you.

 

People can give you all the advice in the world but it's unlikely to do any good. My advice to you is get on your way and sort out some therapy, like now. If you're pissed off after only 3 weeks of this you obviously haven't got what you need to do your share of the work in repairing your marriage.

 

I do wish you all the best H2T, you're journey ahead will not be easy for you.

 

veronese

[newbby]

veronese, i cant bring myself to reread all these pages. when did h2t say he was already involved with ow, or i am sure he didnt say it, but how did you work it out? if so, then h2t you really do need to start taking responsibility. this is not the same as beating yourself up, but you will be a stronger person for taking responsibility.

[veronese]

When my father finally died. It was Dec. 22nd of last year. We had a vacation planned to go to Phoenix to visit her brother and their family. My dad was still in the morgue and I had to make all the arrangements since I'm the only child. She went ahead and went on vacation with the kids while I stayed behind. While I took her to the airport she gave me the silent treatment the whole way because I accidentally broke a vase while carrying some things and she thought I made too little of an issue out of it.

 

He says here that his dad died on Dec 22nd last year, and his opening post on July 23rd he said he'd been seeing the OW for almost a year, last summer then. 5 or 6 months before his dad died.

 

If I'm wrong I can only apologise, but I'm just going on what H2T has said.

 

veron xx

[veronese]

It's post 88 on July 31st

 

v

[Hard2Think]

Veronese,

 

You sound a bit angry. I know you empathize with my wife, but I think you've gotten yourself all worked up over your own assumptions more than anything factual in my case.

 

I'll start by getting one thing out of the way. The time and energy from the people that have posted here has helped me greatly. Hell, I even bought a round trip ticket to cross the continent based on advice here! I've repeatedly thanked all those who have helped - even those who are negative towards me. I continue to be very grateful to those who post here about this .. I'm thankful towards you because even in an angry post like this, there always may be some truth that I can look at.

 

You don't see me as having too many loving and endearing traits because you don't know me personally nor have you seen me in action in my daily life. You also have not seen her. I would think that even you would have to agree that it's a bit much to ask to really get to know anyone even in a long thread like this one. All I can say is this: if indeed there were things that made my wife's side of the marriage difficult - then she cold have said somehting. I made myself more than available to hear whatever she wanted to say in that regard - and trust me when I tell you that my wife is not the shy type.

 

I'm not aware of anything that I have omitted or not that would have caused my wife to be the way she is. It didn't get that way just a few weeks ago. It's been that way for 8 years. For 8 years I kept trying to find ways to improve things from my end. I tried it all. I read the books, read all the advice, did all the romance things I could think of, etc. Nothing worked becuase she wasn't actually unhappy with anything. She liked things the way they were. But for me that meant nagging, yellign, and virtually no sex or affaction. So for now, I won't buy the notion that I was to blame for my own neglect and abuse. I just don't see it.

 

In fact, one of my wife's comments after she discovered the A, was "I thought we were doing fine! Why didn't you tell me somehting was wrong?". Of course my jaw dropped on that one.

 

On thing that you should know is that while I was in the affair when I was alone with my father. I wasn't seeing OW during the period they were gone. I was in no mood for OW's company at the time. I actually wanted my wife to say she'd stay with me during this time. And when my wife threw me and my cancerous, post-chemo father out of our house because he was too "icky" (my words) - I had no OW. So the OW factor is far less present than you think - if at all. When two of my closest friends found out about this, they told me they would have divorced their wives for that incident alone, it was so disgusting.

 

The weariness I have with dealing with my wife's anger and resentment has not prevented me from patiently getting my doses of verbal lashing from her on a near daily basis. I share my distress here on LS, but not with her right now. You need to understand that before the A, my nerves were already raw still from getting yelled at on a regular basis for a multitute of other things every day for years.

 

I do understand the reality of my situation. I understand it very well. I also understand that the issues doesn't end with her forgiving me for the affair as perhaps many other affairs do. In our case, it's just the beginning because A or no A - I won't take any more of the treatement she's been giving me for half of out marriage. And so if I'm angry - it's not because of how she has been for the last 3 weeks - it's because I'm taking stock of what got me here in the first place. I have a long history of putting up with her actions without pushing back and I feel like an idiot for not having doen so earlier. It may have saved the marriage.

 

All I'm saying is that while I'm no angel, I don't think I'm nearly as bad as you're trying to make me out to be. There are many factors here at play that affect this situation. I've tried to share as many relevant ones as I can.

[Hard2Think]

Hey waitaminit - I never implied that I had the A because she did this. But this is a pattern of behavior on her part. I brought it up to illustrate the point that I was convinced she didn't care about me. I thought the timeline was obvious to everyone - I was in no way attempting to paint a different picture.

 

The other incidents of that natuire occured well before I met OW, such as when she threw me and my father out of the house the day I brought him back from the hospital where he had been baked with chemo. I had to sleep on the floor of his appartment for a week to take care of him. She didn't want to deal with it.

 

This is not a tit-for-tat situation in that because she did x y and z that now I'm having the A. Again, these are all incidents that I brought up to paint the picture of her general attitude towards me. I have a million of these incidents that occurred before any A.

 

veronese, i cant bring myself to reread all these pages. when did h2t say he was already involved with ow, or i am sure he didnt say it, but how did you work it out? if so, then h2t you really do need to start taking responsibility. this is not the same as beating yourself up, but you will be a stronger person for taking responsibility.

[a4a]

I never implied that I had the A because she did this. But this is a pattern of behavior on her part. I brought it up to illustrate the point that I was convinced she didn't care about me. I thought the timeline was obvious to everyone - I was in no way attempting to paint a different picture.

 

The other incidents of that natuire occured well before I met OW, such as when she threw me and my father out of the house the day I brought him back from the hospital where he had been baked with chemo. I had to sleep on the floor of his appartment for a week to take care of him. She didn't want to deal with it.

 

This is not a tit-for-tat situation in that because she did x y and z that now I'm having the A. Again, these are all incidents that I brought up to paint the picture of her general attitude towards me. I have a million of these incidents that occurred before any A.

 

mc may shed some light on why she acts out in such a manner?

 

Is there anything good about her? (not being smart here with you)

 

You are so angry with her, so obvious. I think you are very angry with yourself as well.

 

If you can set aside the anger for just a bit and figure out why anger is not serving in your best interest you may come out ahead of the game much quicker regardless of the outcome.

[veronese]

The thing is H2T, your list of examples illustrating your wife's faults really is endless, but you don't mention many of your flaws in comparison. Admitting to being 'no angel' is an understatement if ever I heard one.

 

You are mistaken in thinking I empathise with your wife, I've only heard your side of the story and can quite believe she's pissed you off with her behaviour. Hell, I piss my H off daily, if he's let loose on LS he could probably ramble on all day about the things he doesn't like about me.

 

But in telling your story you've shown several aspects of your character that surprised me. I've never encountered anybody who can love one person and loathe another one week then completely reverse those feelings. One week it took you. One week. That's a little bit weird don't you think H2T?

 

Your anger towards your wife is a constant flow of grudges and objections. You said you've tolerated this abuse for 8 years? Well maybe it's time you called it a day and stop being her whipping boy.

 

Remember though H2T you've had 2 affairs within your marriage. Did you think they were going to cheer your wife up as well as you?

 

When your OW spilled the beans 3 weeks ago I recall you saying how you'd do anything and everything you could to save your marriage. Did you think 3 weeks would do the job? Try 2 or 3 years and you'd be closer to the truth.

 

I just don't think you actually like your wife that much. Instead of being adamant that she's got a lot of changing to do if you are to stay with her, how about realising you've got a lot of changing to do too if she's prepared to stay with you. Which right now isn't looking good.

 

Carry on the way you're going and kiss goodbye to your marriage. Get ready for a divorce, seeing your kids every other weekend, coming to terms with another man playing a part in their lives.

 

Make sure that's what you want though H2T. You may not be able to change your mind later about this one.

 

Veron

 

PS I knew your OW wasn't about last Christmas when your dad died. Call me psychic.

[veronese]

One more thing H2T, did your wife REALLY throw you and your sick father out when he came back from hospital?

 

Could it be possible that his appearance distressed not only your wife but your kids as well? Could she have been thinking about them as well when she wanted him to leave?

 

And what about your children? Where do they fit in to this gloomy picture? You rarely mention how they are coping with all this? Have they been damaged growing up in a house with an abusive mother and an unfaithful father? I would have thought they would have played a bigger part in your thread posts seeing as they should be the most important people in yours and your wife's lives.

 

v

[Hard2Think]

Yes, she really did throw us out and she wasn't all too kind about it, either. She justified it by saying that he was overdrmatizing his affliction to get attention. And no - I don't think it was about the kids. She would have said so if it was.

 

My daughter knows something was up - but I think that so far, the kids have been spared most of this. They know nothing of the A and I don't know what they think about the marriage itself. I suspect they would much rather we all stay together.

 

And as far as their importance - I would have left the mariage a LONG time ago if it had not been for them. That's what has kept me in the marriage and in a wierd, twisted way - I think my wife knew this and counted on that when she acted the way she did.

 

 

One more thing H2T, did your wife REALLY throw you and your sick father out when he came back from hospital?

 

Could it be possible that his appearance distressed not only your wife but your kids as well? Could she have been thinking about them as well when she wanted him to leave?

 

And what about your children? Where do they fit in to this gloomy picture? You rarely mention how they are coping with all this? Have they been damaged growing up in a house with an abusive mother and an unfaithful father? I would have thought they would have played a bigger part in your thread posts seeing as they should be the most important people in yours and your wife's lives.

 

v

[newbby]

veronese, do you think you might be projecting some of your anger with your h onto h2t?

[Hard2Think]

I'm not really angry anymore - at least not for the past couple of days. I have a hard time knowing what the best course of action is. I don't know if we can have what we need in this marriage.

 

I want my wife to be in a loving relationship with me which means she needs to stop the neglect and the constant put-downs. I just don't know if she's willing to acknowledge that as being a problem - she certainly hasn't in the past, no matter what I said nor how i put it. I don't know if it isn't too late at this point.

 

Is there anything good about her? Yes! Otherwise I never would have married her. When she's nice, she's alot of fun to be around. We both share a great sense of adventure - I mean who else would pack up and leave to go live overseas with me when I didn't even have a job lined up? We love travelling all over he world.

 

I admire many things about my wife. She's a great mother. My daughter was diagnosed with mild ADD. My wife refused to accept that and instead, she spent 2 to 3 hours a day with her getting her to concentrate on her homework. Within a couple of years - no ADD symptoms anymore and she's a self-motivated straight A honor student. She's great with people. There's almost nobody that doesn't think she's absolutely wonderful (too bad she can't do that with me).

 

So yes - I want to keep this marriage togther. I hope she can forgive my A. I'm able to forgive the past 8 years right away - if only I knew that would stop.

 

 

mc may shed some light on why she acts out in such a manner?

 

Is there anything good about her? (not being smart here with you)

 

You are so angry with her, so obvious. I think you are very angry with yourself as well.

 

If you can set aside the anger for just a bit and figure out why anger is not serving in your best interest you may come out ahead of the game much quicker regardless of the outcome.

[a4a]

I'm not really angry anymore - at least not for the past couple of days. I have a hard time knowing what the best course of action is. I don't know if we can have what we need in this marriage.

 

I want my wife to be in a loving relationship with me which means she needs to stop the neglect and the constant put-downs. I just don't know if she's willing to acknowledge that as being a problem - she certainly hasn't in the past, no matter what I said nor how i put it. I don't know if it isn't too late at this point.

 

Is there anything good about her? Yes! Otherwise I never would have married her. When she's nice, she's alot of fun to be around. We both share a great sense of adventure - I mean who else would pack up and leave to go live overseas with me when I didn't even have a job lined up? We love travelling all over he world.

 

I admire many things about my wife. She's a great mother. My daughter was diagnosed with mild ADD. My wife refused to accept that and instead, she spent 2 to 3 hours a day with her getting her to concentrate on her homework. Within a couple of years - no ADD symptoms anymore and she's a self-motivated straight A honor student. She's great with people. There's almost nobody that doesn't think she's absolutely wonderful (too bad she can't do that with me).

 

So yes - I want to keep this marriage togther. I hope she can forgive my A. I'm able to forgive the past 8 years right away - if only I knew that would stop.

 

well you need to know that it will not be solved within the next 30 days.

Mr. Quick Fix...... stop analyzing everything in your head right now. Just be with your wife.....communicate with her right now. If you expect her to forgive you for the affair you have to be willing to forgive her neglect as well.

 

Start out fresh. Not saying to ignore how you got here but no since beating a dead horse.

 

I have to believe that in some way your wife was not having all her needs met either.. MC will uncover these issues IN TIME.

[Ladyjane14]

So yes - I want to keep this marriage togther. I hope she can forgive my A. I'm able to forgive the past 8 years right away - if only I knew that would stop.

 

You can't set conditions like this regarding forgiveness. You have to drop your resentments or the healing can't get through. Whatever love is left in your marriage is BLOCKED up behind these negative emotions like water behind a dam.

 

Healing CANNOT be accomplished in the face of anger and resentment.

 

YOU can't decide what your wife is going to do... but you can damn sure decide what YOU are going to do. You have to CHOOSE to let your hostility go. You have to choose forgiveness and healing. You have to be okay with it taking awhile for the issues to be resolved.

 

Otherwise, V is right. Your potential for marriage recovery borders on the hopeless. You may as well start divvying up the furniture.

[Ladyjane14]

If you expect her to forgive you for the affair you have to be willing to forgive her neglect as well.

 

Start out fresh. Not saying to ignore how you got here but no since beating a dead horse.

 

EXACTLY.

[MarriedTard]

Veronese ..

 

I can't believe what you're saying. Did you even read your posts before hitting submit?

 

This guy has been treated like sh*t for years and you think the only logical explanation is that he must have been asking for it? IK mean, damn, women never take their husbands for granted, right? They never deny sex to their husbands for no apparent reason, right? The billion other posts by spouses in that very predicament are there because they all deserved it I suppose?

 

I'm sorry, but a wife of 16 years who throws her husband and dying father out of the house deserves a quickie divorce with no further discussion on the matter. That whole thing burns me up to no end whenever I read you people saying that she must have done this as a response to his mistreatment. What planet are you people from?

 

Hey ladies, if you learn nothing else from all the threads in this site, at least know this ; If you weaponize sex and use it to deny sex and love to your husband, if you make coming home after a long day at work just a further continuation of his personal hell, and if you think it's beneath you to be nice to him, then expect to be the BS in your husband's affair. It's plain and simple, just read for yourself. If some of these women knew what it's like to waste your life away for years in a stressful cubicle farm to keep the family comfortable, they would .. on never mind, I forgot. It's the husband's fault for not being romantic.

[Hard2Think]

You're right. I'll work on that. It's just very hard to forgive when she can't acknowledge the fact that she's done it. She keeps saying that I exaggerate the severity of the way things were and that were not nearly as bad as I say

 

well you need to know that it will not be solved within the next 30 days.

Mr. Quick Fix...... stop analyzing everything in your head right now. Just be with your wife.....communicate with her right now. If you expect her to forgive you for the affair you have to be willing to forgive her neglect as well.

 

Start out fresh. Not saying to ignore how you got here but no since beating a dead horse.

 

I have to believe that in some way your wife was not having all her needs met either.. MC will uncover these issues IN TIME.