I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[will2power]

Happy bday H2T. Late by a few hours if your are EST.

 

WWIU, now is the time for H2T to analyse why he should stick around. Love it relative to how one is treated. I have been where he's at. I had left my M for myself and yes, I fell in love with someone while things were troubled in my own M. I lived with my sMM when he left his W to be with me. I've been where his OW was at when my sMM went home. I'm also an OW where my sMM is back in my life and I'm dealing with the situation in a MUCH MUCH different manner than his OW did. I try not to love him selfishly and I try to look at the big picture when he can't. He wants me to live with him right away. I am choosing for us to wait until the dust settles before we even make such considerations. I understand that there are times when he will be aloof and distant because D is a tough process (heck, I'm going through it myself and its an emotional rollercoaster). I guess that is why I can empathize with my sMM where H2T's OW couln't. My sMM and I are still together... albeit only 3 months. Don't know what the future holds but can only say things look promising.

 

When things were breaking down again in my own M, I started to ask myself why am I in this? I'm in this because when my H asked me to give our M one more chance and that we will both work hard to meet each other's needs, I thought that we could be the couple we were when we were first together. I needed someone to empathize with me when I felt hurt... even if he didn't totally understand why I hurt. He was incapable of doing that nor did he want to do it. He felt that I was asking him to be a different person. Did I love my H, I did... I will always love him, but not as a H. He didn't provide me with the emotional support I needed in order to feel loved although I'm sure he loved me a whole lot. I also know what it felt like to have been loved in the way my sMM loved me (loved as I thought he was over me at the time) and that if I'm lucky in life, I will find another who can love me in that way again. I just needed to give myself that chance.

 

I don't advocate separation and divorce, what I advocate is that people treat themselves fairly and that they first learn to love themselves. Then to do what is best for themselves. Sometimes, solitude is the best.

 

A lot of people have said early on this thread how H2T is selfish and his posts are all about him. Yes, people, this is his thread about his own feelings. That's what we are dealing with here. When someone posts, its about them, not about what his W feels. If she wants, she can find her own on-line support.

First off, Happy birthday to you H2T!

 

I guess because not alot of time has really passed since DDay, to get a divorce now is kind of based on emotions and fear of the unknown, fear of trying hard and failing, or fear of working hard and continuing to work hard to fix the marriage.

 

Marriage counselling wasn't a success because it wasn't given a chance to work. Divorcing now may be the answer because it could feel the only option, but in 6 months or a year, will there be regret? Will she, or he, wish that they have given themselves more time to work it out, and try harder?

[will2power]

I have read somewhere once that if you decide to do something as big as breaking up, that instead of doing it today, that you wait a couple of weeks. If you feel the same way in a couple of weeks, then do it. These things are such big decisions.

 

When my H told me that he didn't want to try anymore, I asked if he wanted to sleep on it for two weeks and not make that decision today. He said no. We've been split up since and we've not wavered, though at times, I know he regrets not taking the time to think through things.

 

Next time your W talks about D, tell her not to make any decisions until she is sure. In the interim, focus on why you are sticking around and think of boundaries that you need to set with her as deal breakers. Like cancelling MC is a deal breaker, passive agressive behaviour is not acceptable, etc.

 

You can fight for this marriage, but remember in order for you to feel fulfilled you have needs that needs fulfilling too.