I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[BenThereDunThat]

What I didn't tell her - because it's not time yet in the current emotional state we're in - is that I am going to need her to make a few changes as well. Nothing major - just I need her to be more affectionate with me. It's not even about more sex (although that would be nice) - but it's about being treated with love and respect. If she can't do that, then all the original problems will remain. While I'll never have an affair again - it may well lead us to divorce.

 

This morning, I feel 100% better. I was a bit of a basket case from the shock of what happened the other night. If you've never had a ranting and raving OW show up at your door confonting the ususpecting W - you just don't know what stress is ..! But now I'm kind of glad she did that. This stirring of this sh*t pot is forcing both W and I into making choices and not remaining in an ambivalent state of inertia. She can now decide if she really thinks it's worth keeping me as a H. If she doesn't want this - then it was best that we didn't stay together. This also give me a chance I think to have the issues I've been having all these years be taken more seriously. Either way - the marriage has a chance to either get stronger and better than it was before this - or it has a chance to dissolve and free us both for a better life. The benefit is that it won't stay as it was, gradually eroding.

 

Another thing I realized is this. I love W more than I thought I did. And as for OW - I just don't feel that way with her anymore. I think I had lost my mind because of the sex and the attention - but it wasn't love. It's a damn good thing I didn't leave for her. Why the change of heart? All I can think of is that the concept of divorce and the concept of being with OW full time looked far different when the light of reality shone in.

I loved this quote frokm LJ - it captures my feelings exactly:

 

 

 

During the past few days I've listened to W and let her insult and berate me in anger for hours on end. I also answered all her questions truthfully. Some were hard for her to swallow - and others seemed too self-serving to be true. But her intense anger and hatred gives me hope that she actually cares about me. Ironically this is the strongest show of love from her I've seen in years. Although she says she wants a divorce - I hear and see other signs that she does not want to end this marriage. I know she's been on 2 or three divorce sites on the net but she's been on a few dozen marriage counseling and marriage builder sites seeking ways to repair what we have. In her call last night - she was receptive to my "begging" - which is what I think she wanted to hear. She wants to hear that I'm ready to work on this. I also assured her that I'll never see or speak to OW ever in any way shape or form. And I won't.

 

In a way - I think this vacation she's taking with the kids is probably a blessing. It'll give her time to cool down a bit and maybe be ready for us to start making important decisions one way or the other.

 

I want to thank all of you posters from the bottom of my heart. I've been in an incredible rollercoaster ride from when I "decided" I wanted to be with OW until now and the ride isn't nearly over yet - and you all have been absolutely great. Thank God you are here and as kind with your time as you are. Even the more judgemental of you had a few good points - and I thank you all.

 

H2T: Good for you. While I hate what your OW had to go through to get you to this point (really, really hate it), I think all of this was the best thing that could ever happen to your marriage. You are now being honest about your feelings. And if what you say about your W is true, hopefully this will make her see she was checking out of the marriage too. If you make it through this, I hope your marriage is stronger and better than it ever was!

 

And definitely, spend this time while she and the kids are away seeking counseling. Good luck. We're here for ya.

[crazy_grl]

This is what I truly think. This thread was constructed this to prove people will read and pick what they want based on their bias and experience. Notice how H2T came up with this story and quietly bowed out and let us women pick at it to death.

 

It kinda reminds me of the english comprehension portion to an entrence exam I took. I had to read a few pages of different stories and answer questions at the end. If I were doing this here and the question was what point did the author remain consistent on. Yes he waivered with OW- yes he through in curve balls about the w's behavior, but he never said he wanted to stay in the marriage. People remove yourself from this post and read it as is. Dont input or asume anything extra; ie working things out / MC-missunderstanding his wife perspective.

 

Umm.. Butafly, did you miss these posts?

 

OW turns out to be a psycho and there's no chance of reconciliation with W. I have mixed feelings about that

 

One moment I wish I could reconcile with W, and the next I feel almost glad there was an event that will finally propel me from my inertia and get a divorce.

 

Thank you all!! So what are my chances of reconciling with W? I doubt very much at this point she'll forgive me.

 

What I want is W - but the way OW was with me. I want what I always wanted. For W to love me and show it.

 

I want W - but a loving W.

 

People seem to be bringing up MC, because that is the best way for H2T to get what he says he wants: his wife back, showing him that he loves her. Since your post, he's now very clearly stated that he wants his wife back and wants to work on the marriage.

 

H2T, I agree that the OW did you and your W a favor (even if she didn't mean to). I hope you're able to work things out.

[a4a]

No - I'm not expecting my wife to fix the marriage herself. In fact - I'm not even saying it was all her fault. The choice of the affair is all my fault and I don't intend to blame her for that. But affair or no affair - she needs to change for the marriage. These are things I had told her for years and she always say it as "whining". I'm hoping the affair leads us to a place where we can actually have a serious dialogue about all this. I also want to hear what bothers her. I could never get out of her what she really wanted from me, if anything. She just told me that she was always under the impression that all was ok in our marriage and that I was just looking for excuses to go "bang some woman".

 

But to answer - yes I am willing to do whatever it takes. If she wants me to work less and take her more places or to do whatever it is that she feels would fulfill her in this marriage - then I'll be hapy to do it. In fact - if I could get an honest list of those things she wants - I'd be thrilled.

 

I haven't been to the other side yet (thank God for that!) but I can see it wouldn't have been too green over there either.

 

And no - I'll never see OW again and I'm committed to that.

 

Yes I was on the ame sites as she without knowing it. This gives me great hope because some of the articles she read describe our situation exactly. She's looking for why this could have happened .. which I admire her greatly for.

 

 

That is great...... now just keep it in mind when things may seem like they are not going as planned... stay determined. Sounds like there is hope to fix this.......and maybe make your marriage better than it ever was!

[a4a]

Umm.. Butafly, did you miss these posts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People seem to be bringing up MC, because that is the best way for H2T to get what he says he wants: his wife back, showing him that he loves her. Since your post, he's now very clearly stated that he wants his wife back and wants to work on the marriage.

 

H2T, I agree that the OW did you and your W a favor (even if she didn't mean to). I hope you're able to work things out.

 

And you know even if things did not work out with the W in the long run.... without the tools and know how to cope in a relationship he was or is probably destined to repeat the same mistakes with another woman.

 

Not only that but MC will teach him and his wife communication skills even if they split up... they still have kids to deal with. If they work it out or not MC is a positive thing in the long run for all.

[UnknowingOW]

I am amazed with H2T whole thought process. One moment he wants the OW and the next he wants to reconcile with his wife.

 

What it all boils down to is fear of being alone.

 

H2T, your OW was not a psycho. Your actions pushed her over the edge. She couldn't take the pain you inflicted on her and so she gave your wife the cold hard facts. She was being pulled and pushed emotionally by you for a very long time. She took control after you lied to her.

 

Your wife...you should have spoken up from the beginning with your feelings of loss in the relationship. You were the one who ultimately stepped out of your marriage, and you hooked up with someone else to dull the pain you felt inside. You were the one who did not work on your relationship.

 

If your wife only knew you were ready to walk that you had already found someone...do you think all this drama with the OW would have happened?

 

I feel sorry for your wife. You seem to only want her now because there is no future with the OW. Is that really fair to your wife? You are making her your second choice. And I, for one, do not want to win someone by default.... It also proves your to your wife that you were not worth her time and that she deservse better...and she does.

 

Everyone can say MC will help. Sometimes it does and sadly the majority of time it doesn't. I think you need some IC to get to your real issues.

[Last Mohegan]

Maybe off track because honestly I don't know H2T or his OW or his W. What pushed my buttons was the verdict that his OW is "psycho". I don't believe she is any more psycho than he is... I will own that hot button because it feels just as unfair as not allowing H2T to be "confused".

 

I really think you (and the others who agreed with you) are off track on this.

 

H2T just sounds confused. I never understand the perspective of so many women on these boards. Why is it understandable for a woman to be confused? "I want to stay, I don't want to stay, I'm so mixed up!" But if a man says the same thing he's accused of having a borderline personality. We're all just people, folks. We've all got the same crazy issues going on in our lives and in our minds.

[whichwayisup]

I am amazed with H2T whole thought process. One moment he wants the OW and the next he wants to reconcile with his wife.

 

What it all boils down to is fear of being alone.

 

No, not really. I think he was so into the OW, she fulfilled all his needs, so that and some lust and some feelings made him FEEL like it was love. The thing is, he realized before it was too late that he DOES infact love his wife and the feelings he felt for the OW were based on fantasy. Good times. Not long lasting love. His thought process is normal (I think) as he realized all that he was going to lose...Bottom line - He loves his wife and wants to do all that it takes to make things work again and gain her love, respect and trust back.

 

His words below speaks volumes. What he said a week ago or even longer doesn't matter anymore, what matters is how he's feeling and reacting NOW.

 

 

Another thing I realized is this. I love W more than I thought I did. And as for OW - I just don't feel that way with her anymore. I think I had lost my mind because of the sex and the attention - but it wasn't love. It's a damn good thing I didn't leave for her. Why the change of heart? All I can think of is that the concept of divorce and the concept of being with OW full time looked far different when the light of reality shone in.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe off track because honestly I don't know H2T or his OW or his W. What pushed my buttons was the verdict that his OW is "psycho". I don't believe she is any more psycho than he is... I will own that hot button because it feels just as unfair as not allowing H2T to be "confused".

 

This isn't about you, you're not his OW. You're personalizing this, and you shouldn't. If he feels that the actions of his OW, and her behaviour is psycho, he is allowed to feel that way about her. Sure, he is part of why she is acting that way, but she IS responsible for her own actions. She's an adult and hopefully mature enough to realize that you cannot blame someone else for your own actions! Just like him cheating on his wife...He CHOSE to. His wife didn't "make" him cheat. So, the OW CHOSE to handle things in a way that has caused alot of reaction.

[Last Mohegan]

Your "nevers" are piled so high that I'm not sure which "never" you are on right now. You've had how many affairs? Please, please google "narcissist" and see if you find yourself in the description.

 

While I'll never have an affair again - it may well lead us to divorce.

[Last Mohegan]

I won't tell you what your opinions should or shouldn't be and would ask that you return in kind. You are welcome to give your opinion as I expect to be given the same grace to give mine. WW, please explain to me how giving my opinion of the unfairness of someone being labeled psycho is personalizing? You do'nt know me WW, so please don't make this a righteousness issue. I'm sure you feel very secure in your opinions as I am in mine, we simply disagree.

 

Yes, I agree, we all react differently. Part of the beauty of this website (if you can call it beauty) is that is perfectly all right to give my opinion of calling someone psycho since his very first post is asking for advice and help. Hence, I've given my opinion--as have you. I am in NO WAY saying that we aren't all as human beings responsible for our own actions. If that is what you are reading into what I'm typing then let me say it better.... We are ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN ACTIONS.

 

I agree his wife didn't make him cheat. She's been completed failed and disrespected by him. I hope she thinks herself worthy enough to demand nothing less than a husband who is honest and faithful to her and to her children.

 

This isn't about you, you're not his OW. You're personalizing this, and you shouldn't. If he feels that the actions of his OW, and her behaviour is psycho, he is allowed to feel that way about her. Sure, he is part of why she is acting that way, but she IS responsible for her own actions. She's an adult and hopefully mature enough to realize that you cannot blame someone else for your own actions! Just like him cheating on his wife...He CHOSE to. His wife didn't "make" him cheat. So, the OW CHOSE to handle things in a way that has caused alot of reaction.

[beach]

H2T

 

For you to take positive steps at this time will help you to sort through this situation whether or not you end up with EITHER woman...

 

I do agree - that most men are simply afraid of being alone, especially when they have had a secure spouse for many years. It can be a frightening thought and a huge life changing experience.

 

This is very scary for a man or a woman...

 

YOU need to go to counseling. This will enable you to understand your actions and feelings more clearly. Hopefully, it will help you to avoid making the same mistakes no matter what path you end up taking.

 

The end result will always be - that you will still need to correspond with your ex - if you don't end up with her... so you need to figure out how to communicate with her - no matter the outcome...

 

Good luck to you...

[BUTAFLY]

Fine H2T wants the ol'days back with wife-good for him. I would like to give you a standing ovation like the others but I find it difficult because of what he previously wrote. Yes people can change their minds, but change of heart is something totally different.

Ya know what...I'm glad for you. It's nice to know the OW serves were rendered and she is now dismissed. Nice way to treat a human being buddy;)

[BUTAFLY]

Yes, she had agreed - but she was very distraught about it. Her comment to me was "I don't know what to say because nothing I say will change your mind". I was a little dismayed by her unwillingness to try and work things out. But no - I don't think she wanted it. She did say she was unhappy - and she was unhappy about having to worry about my happiness.

 

I just got the impression that your wife was a little more of a hard ass than that- at least thats what you protryed her to be (cold& effectionless). So now she was distraught and not wanting a divorce but agreed because it would make you happy? I wonder why she didn't put up a fuss then, why now?

[a4a]

Fine H2T wants the ol'days back with wife-good for him. I would like to give you a standing ovation like the others but I find it difficult because of what he previously wrote. Yes people can change their minds, but change of heart is something totally different.

Ya know what...I'm glad for you. It's nice to know the OW serves were rendered and she is now dismissed. Nice way to treat a human being buddy;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really think slapping him around at this point is pointless. He has enough guilt on his plate to deal with right now and needs to focus on his marriage.

[BUTAFLY]

What he said a week ago or even longer doesn't matter anymore, what matters is how he's feeling and reacting NOW.

 

If this were so, then he can change him mind at a drop of a dime at any point. :

'W, I know our vows said till death do us part, but NOW i feel I want the OW.'

 

'OW, I know I said I loved you last week and was willing to be with you, but NOW I think I want my wife back.

 

whos to say he won't change his mind tomorrow. :confused

[BUTAFLY]

I really think slapping him around at this point is pointless. He has enough guilt on his plate to deal with right now and needs to focus on his marriage.

 

H2T do you feel guilty and for what?

 

ps, I'm not slapping him around I don't even think this is real,but a great discussion.

[BenThereDunThat]

H2T do you feel guilty and for what?

 

ps, I'm not slapping him around I don't even think this is real,but a great discussion.

 

I agree with Butafly. This is truly a great discussion and a great view inside the hurts and anxieties from ALL parties involved in an affair.

[tinktronik]

Fine H2T wants the ol'days back with wife-good for him. I would like to give you a standing ovation like the others but I find it difficult because of what he previously wrote. Yes people can change their minds, but change of heart is something totally different.

Ya know what...I'm glad for you. It's nice to know the OW serves were rendered and she is now dismissed. Nice way to treat a human being buddy;)

B , it always has to go one way or the other .The OW is a big girl , she knew this guy was not free to be with her and that someone would get hurt in the end .Too bad for her that it was her. Its not nice to play with other people , but its life and it happens to everyone.We are not always going to get what we want , part of being an adult , is being able to judge a situation and the extent that it is good or bad for us , and make a descision accordingly. Its one thing to say thnking with heart or head, but the last time I checked the brain was the only one capable of thought , when we make descisions that go against our good sense, we usually know what we are in for.

[climbergirl]

B , it always has to go one way or the other .The OW is a big girl , she knew this guy was not free to be with her and that someone would get hurt in the end .Too bad for her that it was her. Its not nice to play with other people , but its life and it happens to everyone.We are not always going to get what we want , part of being an adult , is being able to judge a situation and the extent that it is good or bad for us , and make a descision accordingly. Its one thing to say thnking with heart or head, but the last time I checked the brain was the only one capable of thought , when we make descisions that go against our good sense, we usually know what we are in for.

 

I very much agree with this post. The OW is (in some posts) treated as the martyr in this scenario-but didn't she herself tell the OP that she didn't think it was a 'great idea to leave his marriage'? So why all the anger?

 

Furthermore, she may have outed him because she was so angry with him, but in addition to hurting him she hurt someone who has done nothing to her. They (OP and OW) both should be accountable for their actions.

[MarriedTard]

I've been gone from this board for awhile and I see this. Unbelievable this is! H2T's situation is very similar to mine except of course for the D-day.

 

95% here make me sick. You really do. You're all so high on your horse and so quick to condemn this guy because he broke the vows and "betrayed" his wifey.

 

Yet none of you consider what she did as betrayal. None of you. A woman marries a guy and when he needs her the most, she's nowhere to be seen. His father just died, he's an only child and she hauls off to a vacation to buy trinkets? Is that not betrayal? A good friend would have cancelled the vacation. The wife doesn't? She throws out his dad who's dying of cancer because she feels icky? She is a cold fish to him and yet he's the as*hole because he's looking for some love and companionship? Oh yes I forgot, he should just get a divorce! Of course it's so easy. And besides she deserves so much better. You sorry hypocrites. This is your take?

 

Does the wife not have some obligations to her husband too? He comes to her with the problems and the solutions, all of which are reasonable and she blows him off? And yet he's the bad guy? Poor woman, imagine that! Having to be loving and caring to her husband! How dare he?!

 

This guy fell for his OW and things got complicated. And yes, make no mistake: a woman who comes to her married guy's house in front of his wife and kids to screw him over is a psycho plain and simple. She's a rabbit boiling lunatic. She knew what she was getting into when she hooked up with him. He mentioned that she knew from the very beginning that he was married. So she doesn't get her way, she pulls a stunt like that and it's H2T's fault? One poster had it right. She and only she was responsible for that act.

 

And you all assume that the poor wife had to put up with issues and faults of H2T. Where do you all get this from? There is no indication of that here, and read and re-read this whole thread. You Oprah-Winfrey watching armchair junior psychologists figured this out on your own did you? I mean hey, he must be a bad guy if his wifey won't sleep with him, right?

 

I'm posted before here and I can tell you for a fact that some wives shut their husbands out of intimacy but don't mind being supported by his labor. My wife is just like this and there's nothing I know to do to change it. Except of course maybe a buublebath and some flowers, right you lamers?

 

It's absolutely amazing to me to what extent husbands can take verbal abuse and emotional neglect and still be the one considered at fault. What if this was a woman posting about getting beaten up by her spouse? Would any of you waterheads ever consider placing theblame with her?

 

I'm sorry, I'd continue, but you all nauseate me too much.

[newbby]

Furthermore, she may have outed him because she was so angry with him, but in addition to hurting him she hurt someone who has done nothing to her. They (OP and OW) both should be accountable for their actions.

who hurt h2t's wife?? h2t was married to her, and his marital responsibilities are his alone. and his wifes of course.

it seems most mm turn nasty on ow when w finds out. perhaps it makes them feel less guilty if they hate the ow, after all the w is upset because they loved the ow...

in any case, has the ow hurt the wife? it seems the wife would have been hurt far more if h2t had actually left, or had simply continued having numerous affairs and prostitutes. now he wants to work on his marriage.

[a4a]

I've been gone from this board for awhile and I see this. Unbelievable this is! H2T's situation is very similar to mine except of course for the D-day.

 

95% here make me sick. You really do. You're all so high on your horse and so quick to condemn this guy because he broke the vows and "betrayed" his wifey.

 

Yet none of you consider what she did as betrayal. None of you. A woman marries a guy and when he needs her the most, she's nowhere to be seen. His father just died, he's an only child and she hauls off to a vacation to buy trinkets? Is that not betrayal? A good friend would have cancelled the vacation. The wife doesn't? She throws out his dad who's dying of cancer because she feels icky? She is a cold fish to him and yet he's the as*hole because he's looking for some love and companionship? Oh yes I forgot, he should just get a divorce! Of course it's so easy. And besides she deserves so much better. You sorry hypocrites. This is your take?

 

Does the wife not have some obligations to her husband too? He comes to her with the problems and the solutions, all of which are reasonable and she blows him off? And yet he's the bad guy? Poor woman, imagine that! Having to be loving and caring to her husband! How dare he?!

 

This guy fell for his OW and things got complicated. And yes, make no mistake: a woman who comes to her married guy's house in front of his wife and kids to screw him over is a psycho plain and simple. She's a rabbit boiling lunatic. She knew what she was getting into when she hooked up with him. He mentioned that she knew from the very beginning that he was married. So she doesn't get her way, she pulls a stunt like that and it's H2T's fault? One poster had it right. She and only she was responsible for that act.

 

And you all assume that the poor wife had to put up with issues and faults of H2T. Where do you all get this from? There is no indication of that here, and read and re-read this whole thread. You Oprah-Winfrey watching armchair junior psychologists figured this out on your own did you? I mean hey, he must be a bad guy if his wifey won't sleep with him, right?

 

I'm posted before here and I can tell you for a fact that some wives shut their husbands out of intimacy but don't mind being supported by his labor. My wife is just like this and there's nothing I know to do to change it. Except of course maybe a buublebath and some flowers, right you lamers?

 

It's absolutely amazing to me to what extent husbands can take verbal abuse and emotional neglect and still be the one considered at fault. What if this was a woman posting about getting beaten up by her spouse? Would any of you waterheads ever consider placing theblame with her?

 

I'm sorry, I'd continue, but you all nauseate me too much.

 

For some reason I am turned on by this post!

[newbby]

You're personalizing this, and you shouldn't.

 

actually, wwiu, everyone is personalising this, including you.

i know i am trying hard not to, but its easily done. plain and simple, i object to him calling ow psycho, but more than this i object to the fact that he has been applauded for this slander. so that is personalising, true, i admit it.

but you, and most of the other wives on here (with the exception of veronese, and maybe others), are also personalising this, and usually do, except yours is less obvious to anyone but ow.

[newbby]

 

It's absolutely amazing to me to what extent husbands can take verbal abuse and emotional neglect and still be the one considered at fault. What if this was a woman posting about getting beaten up by her spouse? Would any of you waterheads ever consider placing theblame with her?

 

I'm sorry, I'd continue, but you all nauseate me too much.

 

actually i have seen this done a few times before now. marriage ALWAYS comes first, no matter the circumstances.

 

as for the rest of your post, obviously you have your own agenda as do most of the people posting, see above post on personalising.

[MarriedTard]

ugh

actually i have seen this done a few times before now. marriage ALWAYS comes first, no matter the circumstances.

 

as for the rest of your post, obviously you have your own agenda as do most of the people posting, see above post on personalising.