I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

That is where MC will help...... she probably is not even aware why she does these things.... did you call the MC yet?

Today. I derived a short list of 3 MC's in my area. I'm calling them today.

[UnknowingOW]

I'm amazed at the fact almost everyone says...go into complete NC with the OW. I agree, NC needs to be placed in the situation. But the OW is working on false information, and still believing the MM is in love with her.

 

Granted now the police are involved and she's probably getting the picture.

 

However, the decent thing to do when involved in a EMR is to send the e-mail stating why the MM is moving on and request NC. It's seems this OW is having a difficult time understanding why one moment the MM is divorcing to be with her and the next moment he's staying in his marriage. The info is conflicting and the OW is having difficulty processing it. Were her actions over the top when she arrived last night...yes. She's trying to get closure.

 

I do not think anyone truly realizes this was a long-term EMR the emotional turmoil given to all parties involved. It seems that, via the advice given on the board, all OW should be shut down without any clue as to why. While the MM and W go and work out their problems, the OW is trying to comprehend what the hell happened. The OW needs the email...the closure. Many of you will not agree, but HT2 owes this woman this much.

 

I have been the BS. I do not know if my Ex H had closure with the OP. I would like to think there was some shred of evidence he did act as a decent human who harmed someone and wanted forgiveness. Maybe it's just that I believe we should seek forgiveness for our actions as a way to move on and become whole.

[Hard2Think]

Those are good points. I'm quite sure that OW knows exactly why I don't want to see her anymore. She went out to harm me. It would have beenone thing if she called my wife on the phone privately. That would have been bad enough, but I may have been kinder to her in letting her down. But she goes to my home and does this not only in front of my wife, but potentially in front of my kids. Thank God they saw nothing. But she didn't care that my kids would have been upset by her coming over and doing this.

 

And she does not know that I'm trying again with W. In fact, she knows they went on vacation and that I stayed back. For all she knows I'm getting a divorce, and if W decides never to forgive - that may well happen.

 

I'm amazed at the fact almost everyone says...go into complete NC with the OW. I agree, NC needs to be placed in the situation. But the OW is working on false information, and still believing the MM is in love with her.

 

Granted now the police are involved and she's probably getting the picture.

 

However, the decent thing to do when involved in a EMR is to send the e-mail stating why the MM is moving on and request NC. It's seems this OW is having a difficult time understanding why one moment the MM is divorcing to be with her and the next moment he's staying in his marriage. The info is conflicting and the OW is having difficulty processing it. Were her actions over the top when she arrived last night...yes. She's trying to get closure.

 

I do not think anyone truly realizes this was a long-term EMR the emotional turmoil given to all parties involved. It seems that, via the advice given on the board, all OW should be shut down without any clue as to why. While the MM and W go and work out their problems, the OW is trying to comprehend what the hell happened. The OW needs the email...the closure. Many of you will not agree, but HT2 owes this woman this much.

 

I have been the BS. I do not know if my Ex H had closure with the OP. I would like to think there was some shred of evidence he did act as a decent human who harmed someone and wanted forgiveness. Maybe it's just that I believe we should seek forgiveness for our actions as a way to move on and become whole.

[a4a]

I'm amazed at the fact almost everyone says...go into complete NC with the OW. I agree, NC needs to be placed in the situation. But the OW is working on false information, and still believing the MM is in love with her.

 

Granted now the police are involved and she's probably getting the picture.

 

However, the decent thing to do when involved in a EMR is to send the e-mail stating why the MM is moving on and request NC. It's seems this OW is having a difficult time understanding why one moment the MM is divorcing to be with her and the next moment he's staying in his marriage. The info is conflicting and the OW is having difficulty processing it. Were her actions over the top when she arrived last night...yes. She's trying to get closure.

 

I do not think anyone truly realizes this was a long-term EMR the emotional turmoil given to all parties involved. It seems that, via the advice given on the board, all OW should be shut down without any clue as to why. While the MM and W go and work out their problems, the OW is trying to comprehend what the hell happened. The OW needs the email...the closure. Many of you will not agree, but HT2 owes this woman this much.

 

I have been the BS. I do not know if my Ex H had closure with the OP. I would like to think there was some shred of evidence he did act as a decent human who harmed someone and wanted forgiveness. Maybe it's just that I believe we should seek forgiveness for our actions as a way to move on and become whole.

 

 

 

Well right now things are heated and best to let things simmer down. I don't think going behind his W's back right now and contacting the OW is in the best interest of his marriage or the OW.

 

Now since not one of us know this OW can any of us state that she is not unbalanced? What if she actually is?...... would it be in the best interest of her, the OP, his W, or his kids to contact her?

 

What if she was a complete nut and decided to physically harm him because she is so hurt?..... "Daddy died cause his girlfriend killed him" is a tough pill to swallow for those kids...... probably would not happen but sheesh coming to his home twice shows that she is bold and to directly confront the wife is bold...... how bold is she??? how pissed is she????

 

Not all OWs are psycho but certainly there are some that are? Not worth the risk IMHO.

 

Do some MC and work it out with your wife when it is the proper time to apologize to her for your actions.

[BUTAFLY]

I never said she wanted to work on the marriage. She in fact told me she wants to proceed with a divorce. I just know that while she says that to me she was scouring the net looking for marriage counselors and for insight into how to rebuild the marriage.

 

..thats the beauty of your writing . You make subtle sugestions and drop innuendos all the while making the main character (you) likable w/ your humbleness & humility. But I'll stop by a4a request. I to don't like it when I get emotional at the end of a movie and someone says "Geez,it's just a move ".

[UnknowingOW]

Well right now things are heated and best to let things simmer down. I don't think going behind his W's back right now and contacting the OW is in the best interest of his marriage or the OW.

 

Now since not one of us know this OW can any of us state that she is not unbalanced? What if she actually is?...... would it be in the best interest of her, the OP, his W, or his kids to contact her?

 

What if she was a complete nut and decided to physically harm him because she is so hurt?..... "Daddy died cause his girlfriend killed him" is a tough pill to swallow for those kids...... probably would not happen but sheesh coming to his home twice shows that she is bold and to directly confront the wife is bold...... how bold is she??? how pissed is she????

 

Not all OWs are psycho but certainly there are some that are? Not worth the risk IMHO.

 

Do some MC and work it out with your wife when it is the proper time to apologize to her for your actions.

 

 

A4A...very true. Now is not the moment for contact, and no one really knows if this OW is off-center so to speak.

 

However, ya never know if the BW will run over him with the car either...lol. :lmao: Didn't that happen in TX?

 

He needs some IC too. And he needs to apologize to all parties for his actions.

[BenThereDunThat]

Its like a bad soap opra. You know its ridiculous & over the top, but you keep watching 'cause your caught up in the stroy line.

 

:lmao: Crack me up Butafly!! So true!!!

[justice]

If the OW isn't understanding enough to give you space without screaming at you, how is your life going to be any different with her if she holds onto the grudge? I currently have an ow in my life who is making it hell for me because my H ended it with her. I say start telling the truth no matter what, to both and all parties involved. That is one way no one will be unclear on anything.

[BUTAFLY]

I agree w/ UNK 100%

[Hard2Think]

I made an appointment with a MC for next Friday. I don't know yet if W is going to want to go .. but I'll take that chance right now. The doctor said it would be best for us to go together first because if I went ahead myself before her, then she might see the psychologist as "my" therapist and not ours. I went with that suggestion.

[a4a]

If any person comes to your home and refuses to leave until the point where the police are called IMHO that person is a possible danger and is possibly unbalanced.

 

Regardless of the reason for it.

 

I myself have been mad as hell at people or hurt and never have I lost control to the point where any form of authority needed to be involved.

 

If the OW is balanced, having had the police involved at this point, should be a big enough hint to make her realize it is indeed over and he is not welcoming her into his life now.

[tinktronik]

and i dont know why people think the ow should not be told the truth or given an apology.

This is the point , once the H decides to stay or work on the marrige the worst thing he can do is continue to engage the OW in any way .The W and marrige is what the OP has decided is important and at this point it would just put him further in the hole to have any contact with the OW.

[a4a]

I made an appointment with a MC for next Friday. I don't know yet if W is going to want to go .. but I'll take that chance right now. The doctor said it would be best for us to go together first because if I went ahead myself before her, then she might see the psychologist as "my" therapist and not ours. I went with that suggestion.

 

 

Good point by the MC! Now you can ponder how you are going to present this to her...... keep in mind it will help later down the road even if you did split when it comes to communications between you about your children.

 

Do you have a sitter lined up for the kids while you are at the appt?

(I forgot their ages if it was posted).

[tinktronik]

If any person comes to your home and refuses to leave until the point where the police are called IMHO that person is a possible danger and is possibly unbalanced.

 

Regardless of the reason for it.

 

I myself have been mad as hell at people or hurt and never have I lost control to the point where any form of authority needed to be involved.

 

If the OW is balanced, having had the police involved at this point, should be a big enough hint to make her realize it is indeed over and he is not welcoming her into his life now.

Completely agreed A4A , the cops have already been called once , she should be able to take the hint . If she did indeed come by and become agressive to the point where the police had to be called , she's gone past the point of rational and can indeed be a danger .

[Hard2Think]

Yes, that's covered.

 

Good point by the MC! Now you can ponder how you are going to present this to her...... keep in mind it will help later down the road even if you did split when it comes to communications between you about your children.

 

Do you have a sitter lined up for the kids while you are at the appt?

(I forgot their ages if it was posted).

[Hard2Think]

Today I'm feeling a bit in the dumps. I really don't know if there really is any hope of reconciliation. When I consider the weight of what I did .. that may be asking way too much from her. I don't see how she could ever really trust me again.

[a4a]

Today I'm feeling a bit in the dumps. I really don't know if there really is any hope of reconciliation. When I consider the weight of what I did .. that may be asking way too much from her. I don't see how she could ever really trust me again.

 

Stop being a baby. You need to be determined to attempt to make this work out if that is what you want. If your wife refuses to reconcile then at that point throw in the towel.

 

Your being wishy washy again.

 

Dont think about what she might or might not do, think about what you need to do to make it work.

 

Sorry but I just hate the what if it doesn't work out attitude......who the hell knows if it will........but if you go in with a half assed attitude it certainly won't work out.

 

If you are not willing to commit to fixing it.... then bail now.

[JamesM]

I have to agree with others...I have received conflicting messages as well. The W has gone from evil sounding to a victim. The OW has gone from good to bad. It reminds me of one of those movies where one never knows what the next twist will be. Having said that, no, I don't think it is "fake."

 

H2T, you wife will probably never come back to you. And I doubt any MC will "convince" her of what she has done wrong. None of us have heard from her or the OW, but as you know, there will be another side to this story. Your wife has her faults, but I seem to hear only of her faults. Yes, you admit to screwing it up with an affair, but have you sat down and looked at how you contributed to your wife's lack of interest in you?

 

This is getting rather confusing at this point, but I am also interested in the story line. Please keep us updated.

 

Here is a statement from you that I found amusing..sorry, yes, I did....

 

I'm cured of affairs for life

 

I imagine the pain and devastation you feel now HAS cured you, but can you remember that pain for life?

[stillafool]

Thank you all so much for your caring and your input. You are helping me a great deal here. More than you know.

 

Someone asked what it is that I want. I will never speak to OW again. Ever. It's over no matter what happens with W.

 

What I want is W - but the way OW was with me. I want what I always wanted. For W to love me and show it.

 

I had already been on the divorce mindset before OW. W has a tendency to be verbally abusive at times and not affectionate. For example, many times I would go to give her a simple hug and she would let her body go limp until I was done. Doesn't seem like a big deal - but it was.

 

When I had outpatient hernia surgery 2 years ago - she didn't stay. Instead she went and did her aerobics workout and I had to wait an hour in the recovery room for her to get me. The wife of the guy in the same room with me didn't believe me when I said I had a wife.

 

My dad was dying of cancer and after a heavy dose of chemo - I had him come over and stay with us for a few days. He was not pretty to look at and she asked me to tell him to leave. He was too weak to be alone and so I told her I'd have to stay with him. She put her hands on her hips and asked "Who's going to watch the kids tomorrow when I teach my (aerobics) class?"

 

When my father finally died. It was Dec. 22nd of last year. We had a vacation planned to go to Phoenix to visit her brother and their family. My dad was still in the morgue and I had to make all the arrangements since I'm the only child. She went ahead and went on vacation with the kids while I stayed behind. While I took her to the airport she gave me the silent treatment the whole way because I accidentally broke a vase while carrying some things and she thought I made too little of an issue out of it.

 

Sex has always been a once every 2 or 3 week event usually in a hurry. She was getting goose pimples (not good ones) when I would touch her. I'm not allowed to perform nor recieve oral sex from her.

 

Every day she's tired and in bed by 9 PM because she gets up so early to teach fitness classes. I was always the last one in line.

 

The list goes on ..

 

I want W - but a loving W. I don't know if I made any sense.

 

Well it doesn't seem like you have a very loving wife here. My h just underwent the same surgery and I was there with him til they wheeled in in the OR. I was right there when he woke up and drove the staff crazy. I couldn't imagine leaving my best friend much less my husband alone to make funeral arrangements for get this - HIS FATHER!!!! I start tearing up when I read this. I just can't imagine and no wonder you went looking for love.

 

However, you do seem confused. I think right now you don't know who you want but what you want is love. I think that your wife finding out was the best thing that could have happened and here you are at a crossroad. My advice would be to step away from it all right now and find out what you want. When I loss my mother to cancer I didn't realize how much losing a parent affected me. I found myself clinging to a unhealthy relationship because of my loss.

[UnknowingOW]

This is the point , once the H decides to stay or work on the marrige the worst thing he can do is continue to engage the OW in any way .The W and marrige is what the OP has decided is important and at this point it would just put him further in the hole to have any contact with the OW.

 

Tink, the H decided to tell someone other then his wife he loved her. He also told this OW he was leaving his wife for her. The OW knew only what H2T told her. And then he pulled a "psycho" by calling the cops and not telling her the truth when she was at his home. What's that old sayings...2-wrongs don't make a right. He could have told her right there and chose not to...i wonder why...to keep her on the side just in case things don't work with his wife????

 

...Which by the way, how did the OW know where you lived H2T? Something tells me you brought her into your family's home...bad, very bad thing to disrespect your family like that to begin with. And you worried that the OW would have outted you in front of your children? What if your children had come home and found you and your OW together? Did you even think about that if you did that?

 

Yes, NC needed to be established, and it should also be established b/w the H & W, because neither are thinking to clearly at this moment.

 

HOWEVER, has everyone forgotten the fact he would have continued in the A had the OW not called his bluff? Porker...pure and simple. Call and show your cards.

 

As it stands, and as many on here would disagree...this mans owes the OW at least an email with the facts and his decision to work on his marriage. But not right now...maybe after all the tension calms down. What he has done to both women is string them along until the cards were shown. The hand has been played. No one knows the outcome.

 

But, to leave a person out in the cold after saying you wanted to spend your life with her is unimaginable. I'm sure many of you BS' believe any contact is BAD contact. But I disagree. I've been in both situtations, and I'd rather know the truth then to be left hanging with what the hell did I do? Everyone needs sanity. At least when informed of the truth your recovery from this truma will heal; you will not question yourself as to why all this happened.

 

I'm not saying the OW actions were right...she over reacted. And NO ONE knows the OW's side. Everyone here is making assesements based on the MM. There are 3-sides to this story. Somewhere entangled in this mess is the truth.

[Hard2Think]

Sorry about the conflicting messages. But every one was what I was thinking at that time ..

 

 

I have to agree with others...I have received conflicting messages as well. The W has gone from evil sounding to a victim. The OW has gone from good to bad. It reminds me of one of those movies where one never knows what the next twist will be. Having said that, no, I don't think it is "fake."

 

H2T, you wife will probably never come back to you. And I doubt any MC will "convince" her of what she has done wrong. None of us have heard from her or the OW, but as you know, there will be another side to this story. Your wife has her faults, but I seem to hear only of her faults. Yes, you admit to screwing it up with an affair, but have you sat down and looked at how you contributed to your wife's lack of interest in you?

 

This is getting rather confusing at this point, but I am also interested in the story line. Please keep us updated.

 

Here is a statement from you that I found amusing..sorry, yes, I did....

 

 

 

I imagine the pain and devastation you feel now HAS cured you, but can you remember that pain for life?

[Hard2Think]

I never ever brought OW to my home. She simply looked me up on the phonebook or whatever other source and came to my house.

 

Tink, the H decided to tell someone other then his wife he loved her. He also told this OW he was leaving his wife for her. The OW knew only what H2T told her. And then he pulled a "psycho" by calling the cops and not telling her the truth when she was at his home. What's that old sayings...2-wrongs don't make a right. He could have told her right there and chose not to...i wonder why...to keep her on the side just in case things don't work with his wife????

 

...Which by the way, how did the OW know where you lived H2T? Something tells me you brought her into your family's home...bad, very bad thing to disrespect your family like that to begin with. And you worried that the OW would have outted you in front of your children? What if your children had come home and found you and your OW together? Did you even think about that if you did that?

 

Yes, NC needed to be established, and it should also be established b/w the H & W, because neither are thinking to clearly at this moment.

 

HOWEVER, has everyone forgotten the fact he would have continued in the A had the OW not called his bluff? Porker...pure and simple. Call and show your cards.

 

As it stands, and as many on here would disagree...this mans owes the OW at least an email with the facts and his decision to work on his marriage. But not right now...maybe after all the tension calms down. What he has done to both women is string them along until the cards were shown. The hand has been played. No one knows the outcome.

 

But, to leave a person out in the cold after saying you wanted to spend your life with her is unimaginable. I'm sure many of you BS' believe any contact is BAD contact. But I disagree. I've been in both situtations, and I'd rather know the truth then to be left hanging with what the hell did I do? Everyone needs sanity. At least when informed of the truth your recovery from this truma will heal; you will not question yourself as to why all this happened.

 

I'm not saying the OW actions were right...she over reacted. And NO ONE knows the OW's side. Everyone here is making assesements based on the MM. There are 3-sides to this story. Somewhere entangled in this mess is the truth.

[UnknowingOW]

My bad...sorry. No one knows the entire story, and I was making an assumption. Again, sorry.

 

Wait a sec...didn't you post previously that the OW would give you notification before she would ever come over...that it was so dislike her to just "show up." She knew she was welcomed. That's the only reason some goes over to anyones home.

[Hard2Think]

What I meant was that we tended to communicate via phone and email. I would have expected her to call or email first and ask to talk to me. I may have agreed to meet her somewhere and talk to her under those circumstances. The fact that she just "showed up" was aout of character for her and is one of the things that alarmed me.

 

Also I have no intention of ever seeing her again no matter what happens with W. She's not someone I want waiting for me ever. I want her out of my life regardless of what my situation is. Period.

 

My bad...sorry. No one knows the entire story, and I was making an assumption. Again, sorry.

 

Wait a sec...didn't you post previously that the OW would give you notification before she would ever come over...that it was so dislike her to just "show up." She knew she was welcomed. That's the only reason some goes over to anyones home.

[tinktronik]

As it stands, and as many on here would disagree...this mans owes the OW at least an email with the facts and his decision to work on his marriage. But not right now...maybe after all the tension calms down. What he has done to both women is string them along until the cards were shown. The hand has been played. No one knows the outcome.

 

.

This is where you've gotten it all wrong.Have'nt you heard that all is fair in love and war.All of us have had our hearts broken in matters of the heart.Sometimes cruely and the way it happens is by foolishly putting yourself in circumstances not likely to work in your favor. No one owes anyone anything else. If the OP had decided to leave his W and run off with the OW he would not owe her anything either and if she was chasing him around at the ow's house untill the police had to be called she would be a psycho for sure.