Ishould have listened to your advice, sorry I didnt......

[raven]

Hi everyone,

 

Not sure if you remember me, I was the one who was being actively persued by a man who claimed to love me, and then was told he was having issues with a married woman he once had an affair with. You all told me to run like hell then and i should have listened. So, to all of you who dont take the wonderful advice given to you on here, think twice.

 

WELL, he came back 2 days later (2 months ago) and told me that I was THE one (Im 32 and hes 38 by the way) and that he told her not to ever bother him again, and I believed him. At this point I told him I had been down this road before and I wouldnt do it again, and he said he would never hurt me again. What a fool I was to believe him.

 

This woman resurfaced a week ago when her husband served her with divorce papers after learning of their affair they had a year ago. She freaked out and contacted my boyfriend. He told me she called, I told him he had a choice, cant have both, he said he chose me and was going to tell her off. Well after telling her there was no chance in hell she supposedly freaked out. This happened at 10a.m. on Tuesday. I got to work, called him, as soon as he answered there was a knock at his door, told me he would call back. Well, my 6th sense was serving me well that day, I hopped in the car and went over there. As soon as he saw me he locked the door, she was in there!!!!!!! Needless to say I feel betrayed, how could he??? He called me later and said he didnt want to have a scene and that when he saw her the guilt overwhelmed him and that there were still feelings for her and it had nothing to do with me.

 

As you can imagine, I dumped him for good this time, once bitten twice shy, but here is my question:

 

I am a beautiful, successful, intelligent woman who has alot going for her. Men claim they want women like me, so tell me, when they get it, why cant they handle it??? You cant compare filet mignon with a big mac so Im not even going to try, but I cant understand why a man would pick a cheating, married, soon to be divorcee with 2 kids and no career over a woman like me. Is there a "need" factor that men want fulfilled, do they want to be in control? Any insight is appreciated........

 

This man will be back, when he realizes how miserable his life is going to be when its built on lies and deceipt, and I will be nowhere to be found. But it is too coincidental that this has happened to me with 2 completely different men with the almost EXACT same scenario.........unbelievable, think I am going to stay single for a while while I look for an elderly sugar daddy.......LOL

 

Raven

[Crystal]

hi raven,

 

i don't have any advice to give you at all, but i could almost feel your pain while reading your post. my heart really goes out to you. i would feel so hurt as well and never see the jerk again.

 

i think some men feel needed when they see a woman in distress. while you are obviously strong and independent and it may attract the right type of guy, i also think that the same type of guy feels attracted to the helpless, woe is me, victim type of woman so he can be her knight in shining armour.

 

of course they don't last long like that, soon the man will see her as a burden and wanting a strong independent woman, (you) but you will be no where to be found and i commend you on that!!!

 

take care and hang in there, i'm sure you know that they are not at all like that. i'm sorta like that other woman and my b'f is sorta like you, kinda helps me see things his way, and want to try harder to be more like you, but sometimes our personalities are so ingrained in us that dispite our desire to change it is either not forth coming dispite our efforts or soon we return to our old ways out of comfort and security.

 

good luck, hang in there, don't let this guy hurt you anymore. peace to you.

Hi everyone, Not sure if you remember me, I was the one who was being actively persued by a man who claimed to love me, and then was told he was having issues with a married woman he once had an affair with. You all told me to run like hell then and i should have listened. So, to all of you who dont take the wonderful advice given to you on here, think twice. WELL, he came back 2 days later (2 months ago) and told me that I was THE one (Im 32 and hes 38 by the way) and that he told her not to ever bother him again, and I believed him. At this point I told him I had been down this road before and I wouldnt do it again, and he said he would never hurt me again. What a fool I was to believe him. This woman resurfaced a week ago when her husband served her with divorce papers after learning of their affair they had a year ago. She freaked out and contacted my boyfriend. He told me she called, I told him he had a choice, cant have both, he said he chose me and was going to tell her off. Well after telling her there was no chance in hell she supposedly freaked out. This happened at 10a.m. on Tuesday. I got to work, called him, as soon as he answered there was a knock at his door, told me he would call back. Well, my 6th sense was serving me well that day, I hopped in the car and went over there. As soon as he saw me he locked the door, she was in there!!!!!!! Needless to say I feel betrayed, how could he??? He called me later and said he didnt want to have a scene and that when he saw her the guilt overwhelmed him and that there were still feelings for her and it had nothing to do with me. As you can imagine, I dumped him for good this time, once bitten twice shy, but here is my question: I am a beautiful, successful, intelligent woman who has alot going for her. Men claim they want women like me, so tell me, when they get it, why cant they handle it??? You cant compare filet mignon with a big mac so Im not even going to try, but I cant understand why a man would pick a cheating, married, soon to be divorcee with 2 kids and no career over a woman like me. Is there a "need" factor that men want fulfilled, do they want to be in control? Any insight is appreciated........ This man will be back, when he realizes how miserable his life is going to be when its built on lies and deceipt, and I will be nowhere to be found. But it is too coincidental that this has happened to me with 2 completely different men with the almost EXACT same scenario.........unbelievable, think I am going to stay single for a while while I look for an elderly sugar daddy.......LOL Raven

[Raven]

Your words helped me realize what I have to give and what he is not deserving of..the problem is that I WANT to be in a relationship, Ive been single all my life, with Miscellaneous relationships and I am ready for a commitment, how is it in 1 years time, I can be dumped by two COMPLETELY different guys for a married woman in distress??? Surely not ALL men cater to this Knight in Shining Armor persona!!! The thing that hurts me most now is his son, he is a 5 year old bundle of joy and I am going to miss him terribly, shame on the ex for letting an innocent child get attached to someone he had no intentions on being true to................

hi raven, i don't have any advice to give you at all, but i could almost feel your pain while reading your post. my heart really goes out to you. i would feel so hurt as well and never see the jerk again. i think some men feel needed when they see a woman in distress. while you are obviously strong and independent and it may attract the right type of guy, i also think that the same type of guy feels attracted to the helpless, woe is me, victim type of woman so he can be her knight in shining armour. of course they don't last long like that, soon the man will see her as a burden and wanting a strong independent woman, (you) but you will be no where to be found and i commend you on that!!!

 

take care and hang in there, i'm sure you know that they are not at all like that. i'm sorta like that other woman and my b'f is sorta like you, kinda helps me see things his way, and want to try harder to be more like you, but sometimes our personalities are so ingrained in us that dispite our desire to change it is either not forth coming dispite our efforts or soon we return to our old ways out of comfort and security. good luck, hang in there, don't let this guy hurt you anymore. peace to you.

[Crystal]

i'd say just chalk it up to a stroke up bad luck, or two bad lucks? if that makes sense i don't know. i do know that thank God they are not all like that!

 

just persevere and you will be stronger and not let any man come along and do this to you again.

 

i know others with more experience will give you better advice since i'm not really too good at it.

 

i answered your post mainly because it hurt me, because i could literally feel the pain in your words and it broke my heart.

 

i wish you the best, don't give up, maybe it's best to take a break for now, they say when you least expect it the right person walks into your life, but if you go looking for him, you will never find him.

 

i wish you the best of holiday joy dispite the pain. i understand what you mean about the little boy, how sad for him, more then anyone because he does not understand what is going on and where the people go that he comes to know and like or love.

 

good luck.

Your words helped me realize what I have to give and what he is not deserving of..the problem is that I WANT to be in a relationship, Ive been single all my life, with Miscellaneous relationships and I am ready for a commitment, how is it in 1 years time, I can be dumped by two COMPLETELY different guys for a married woman in distress??? Surely not ALL men cater to this Knight in Shining Armor persona!!! The thing that hurts me most now is his son, he is a 5 year old bundle of joy and I am going to miss him terribly, shame on the ex for letting an innocent child get attached to someone he had no intentions on being true to................

[midori]

Hi Raven,

 

I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't go well for you with this guy. And I hear the questions you're asking and the hurt they contain. Of course you don't ever want to get involved with a man like that again. There might be something to what you say about men wanting to help and be the strong ones ... but that doesn't really explain it fully from what you've said. The thing is, people in adulterous relationships are usually in them because they're escaping from something (any number of things) and/or they get a thrill out of it. I remember your earlier posting, and while it's possible this guy was getting a thrill out of his relationship with a married woman, what struck me is how convenient that relationship was for him -- he got to have passion and drama in his life and there was very little responsibility for him attached to it. As I recall this woman bossed him around and manipulated him even after their sexual relationship had ended, but at the end of the day she was her husband's problem. I'll bet your ex never dreamed he'd actually have this horrid creature on his hands full time.

 

The difference with you might well have been that in his heart he knew he was dealing with the real thing -- and perhaps that terrified him. If you actually have the real thing, you have to live up to it, be deserving of it. And what if you mess up and you lose it -- how could you live with yourself? I know a lot of men who glide from one superficial relationship to another with inappropriate women, all the while moaning that they just want to have love in their life with one special person. Baloney. They might want love but they can't handle it. My best guess -- that's what you were dealing with. And you're probably right, he probably will come crawling back, perhaps sooner than you think. For what it's worth, my advice in that case would be to go deaf. Don't even hear him out. He's got about ten years' of growing to do and while he might do it in less than a decade I very much doubt he'd really learn what he needs to anytime soon. Be grateful that this silly woman reared her ugly head again because if he was susceptible to her it was only because he had not allowed himself to embrace you. And he might never have.

 

There's no risk-free, fool-proof assessment technique (that I know of) that will indicate which guys are ready for lasting, meaningful love. But men who are evasive for one reason or another, who play emotional hide-and-seek, who consistently prioritize friends and hobbies before their relationships, and/or who maintain sketchy "friendships" with other women who wield inappropriate influence are likely to be bad bets.

 

What a jerk. You're much better off without him.

[Crystal]

yeah, my thoughts EXACTLY!

 

I just didn't know how to put it in words, LOL!

 

BUT you definitely are better off finding out about things now then later when you would of been more involved with him and hurt even deeper if that is possible.

 

sounds like your off to a good start with joining gyms and what not's, good move!

 

i admire that, good luck in the future.

Hi Raven, I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't go well for you with this guy. And I hear the questions you're asking and the hurt they contain. Of course you don't ever want to get involved with a man like that again. There might be something to what you say about men wanting to help and be the strong ones ... but that doesn't really explain it fully from what you've said. The thing is, people in adulterous relationships are usually in them because they're escaping from something (any number of things) and/or they get a thrill out of it. I remember your earlier posting, and while it's possible this guy was getting a thrill out of his relationship with a married woman, what struck me is how convenient that relationship was for him -- he got to have passion and drama in his life and there was very little responsibility for him attached to it. As I recall this woman bossed him around and manipulated him even after their sexual relationship had ended, but at the end of the day she was her husband's problem. I'll bet your ex never dreamed he'd actually have this horrid creature on his hands full time. The difference with you might well have been that in his heart he knew he was dealing with the real thing -- and perhaps that terrified him. If you actually have the real thing, you have to live up to it, be deserving of it. And what if you mess up and you lose it -- how could you live with yourself? I know a lot of men who glide from one superficial relationship to another with inappropriate women, all the while moaning that they just want to have love in their life with one special person. Baloney. They might want love but they can't handle it. My best guess -- that's what you were dealing with. And you're probably right, he probably will come crawling back, perhaps sooner than you think. For what it's worth, my advice in that case would be to go deaf. Don't even hear him out. He's got about ten years' of growing to do and while he might do it in less than a decade I very much doubt he'd really learn what he needs to anytime soon. Be grateful that this silly woman reared her ugly head again because if he was susceptible to her it was only because he had not allowed himself to embrace you. And he might never have. There's no risk-free, fool-proof assessment technique (that I know of) that will indicate which guys are ready for lasting, meaningful love. But men who are evasive for one reason or another, who play emotional hide-and-seek, who consistently prioritize friends and hobbies before their relationships, and/or who maintain sketchy "friendships" with other women who wield inappropriate influence are likely to be bad bets. What a jerk. You're much better off without him.

[Lauren]

Ain't that special!!! I never read your other posts regarding your dilemma. However, your paragraph regarding what men "want" caught me! And I mean caught me! I've explained this several times to my friends (even the guy in my life). Relationships take work. I hire and fire at work; I try to find and keep good employees. I spoke to a waitress across the street. We were discussing the difficulty attracting and maintaining quality employees. She said "alot of people want a job; not alot of people want to work". I have now turned that on relationships "alot of people want a relationship (or say they do); not alot of people are willing to work at it". I believe that is a big piece of the issue. I know men and women (various ages) that are not at all interested in anything more than "a hottie". Their social needs are going to the bars/clubs for drinks, getting drunk, hooking up with the cute guy/gal, waking up hung-over, or something along those lines. Your question about men expressing an interest in an intelligent, attractive, down-to-earth lady and yet turning and running when it is in their grasp is a question for the ages!!! I'm trying to figure it out. People like us aren't found on every street corner - I know - I've looked! Heck, I wouldn't have a girlfriend that I couldn't respect, or like, or converse with - let alone a boyfriend! Is it fear? Is it just lack of desire? Is it - as I expressed earlier - just the need to have "fun"? I quite honestly don't get it!!! I hope that you realize it is not you and the behavior exerted by thes "men" certainly is not within your control. You trusted and believed, and probably loved, this man. There is nothing wrong with that! I hope that you can move on. Go out with friends - even male friends! Take part in some interests or pick up some new ones. Enjoy life! These guys aren't worth us beating ourselves up! I'm working on this on a daily basis - my b/f just broke up with me. He isn't being completely honest with me either! Blames it on time and money - AS IF!! Those were never an issue for the year we were together! I'm intelligent, very attractive, I have a good job, I have a very loving family, and I'm very sensible. I adore this man's son; and his family is crazy about me. So, why is this man running from what he supposedly "wants". FEAR?!! So, it isn't you and you are not alone. We are, as my friend and I have discussed on several occassions - a rare breed. There are not very many normal, strong, caring, loving, giving, true, honest, people out there! We are the exception. I think that we need to stick together! Good Luck! Hi everyone, Not sure if you remember me, I was the one who was being actively persued by a man who claimed to love me, and then was told he was having issues with a married woman he once had an affair with. You all told me to run like hell then and i should have listened. So, to all of you who dont take the wonderful advice given to you on here, think twice. WELL, he came back 2 days later (2 months ago) and told me that I was THE one (Im 32 and hes 38 by the way) and that he told her not to ever bother him again, and I believed him. At this point I told him I had been down this road before and I wouldnt do it again, and he said he would never hurt me again. What a fool I was to believe him. This woman resurfaced a week ago when her husband served her with divorce papers after learning of their affair they had a year ago. She freaked out and contacted my boyfriend. He told me she called, I told him he had a choice, cant have both, he said he chose me and was going to tell her off. Well after telling her there was no chance in hell she supposedly freaked out. This happened at 10a.m. on Tuesday. I got to work, called him, as soon as he answered there was a knock at his door, told me he would call back. Well, my 6th sense was serving me well that day, I hopped in the car and went over there. As soon as he saw me he locked the door, she was in there!!!!!!! Needless to say I feel betrayed, how could he??? He called me later and said he didnt want to have a scene and that when he saw her the guilt overwhelmed him and that there were still feelings for her and it had nothing to do with me. As you can imagine, I dumped him for good this time, once bitten twice shy, but here is my question: I am a beautiful, successful, intelligent woman who has alot going for her. Men claim they want women like me, so tell me, when they get it, why cant they handle it??? You cant compare filet mignon with a big mac so Im not even going to try, but I cant understand why a man would pick a cheating, married, soon to be divorcee with 2 kids and no career over a woman like me. Is there a "need" factor that men want fulfilled, do they want to be in control? Any insight is appreciated........ This man will be back, when he realizes how miserable his life is going to be when its built on lies and deceipt, and I will be nowhere to be found. But it is too coincidental that this has happened to me with 2 completely different men with the almost EXACT same scenario.........unbelievable, think I am going to stay single for a while while I look for an elderly sugar daddy.......LOL Raven