2 types of personalities

[a4a]

I am/was a relationship jumper...........

 

but that does not mean that I take the new relationship serious.

 

It seems easy to date or have a low commitment relationship in my life. (or did). Keep in mind that I always had a line at the door waiting for the current SO to exit. But I am quite picky and only have been married once at the age of 37.

 

Many jumps were just entertainment of sorts. Interesting experiences.

[KittenMoon]

I am/was a relationship jumper...........

 

but that does not mean that I take the new relationship serious.

 

It seems easy to date or have a low commitment relationship in my life. (or did). Keep in mind that I always had a line at the door waiting for the current SO to exit. But I am quite picky and only have been married once at the age of 37.

 

Many jumps were just entertainment of sorts. Interesting experiences.

 

 

For relationship jumpers- what I don't get is how to be attracted to all those people?

I mean, I know a lot of relationship jumpers- I have a permanent bridesmaid position for a friend still after two cancelled weddings. She doesn't just have a line of guys waiting, she has an entire harem most of the time!

 

But I just can't do that. I can count the number of guys I've actually felt a real "spark" for in my life on one hand. So, from one extreme to the other, any jumpers got any advice on how to be more attracted to people?

[a4a]

For relationship jumpers- what I don't get is how to be attracted to all those people?

I mean, I know a lot of relationship jumpers- I have a permanent bridesmaid position for a friend still after two cancelled weddings. She doesn't just have a line of guys waiting, she has an entire harem most of the time!

 

But I just can't do that. I can count the number of guys I've actually felt a real "spark" for in my life on one hand. So, from one extreme to the other, any jumpers got any advice on how to be more attracted to people?

 

It is not a matter of being attracted to every person that is interested in you.

Some may have qualities that interest you and you just enjoy spending time with them. Or have a lusty spark for them.

 

Like tournament fishing..... you enjoy it but you don't keep the fish unless it is worthy of mounting on a wall

 

Hot sparky guys are a dime a dozen...... good hearted quality men that include a hot spark are a rare find. Took me 37 years to find one that was worth mounting on the wall......... He was waiting in line as well though...... I was not looking, I was just having fun fishing.

[Outcast]

what I don't get is how to be attracted to all those people?

 

Yeah me too.

 

good hearted quality men

 

They're the only ones I'm attracted to.

 

Some may have qualities that interest you and you just enjoy spending time with them. Or have a lusty spark for them.

 

The former wouldn't be interesting unless they were 'good hearted quality men' and the latter are just trouble on wheels IMHO. I've had 'lusty sparks' for impossible men. I don't let 'lusty sparks' tell me what to do because I think they're stupid. It's just Nature trying to mess with my head and I ain't going there

[Chinook]

Not a relationship jumper here either. I'm one of those whose head and heart needs to be completely free before jumping into anything else. Healed and ready to go and that takes time. The one occasion I did try it (Sept last year) and it all went to s**t because it was simply way too soon. Right now, I'm not planning to get into anymore relationships again. It's way too much for me I think. Myabe with time I'll change my viewpoint... two years along and it's not changed yet.

[a4a]

 

The former wouldn't be interesting unless they were 'good hearted quality men' and the latter are just trouble on wheels IMHO. I've had 'lusty sparks' for impossible men. I don't let 'lusty sparks' tell me what to do because I think they're stupid. It's just Nature trying to mess with my head and I ain't going there

 

You don't have to be thinking long term when dating and having fun. I had many a great time with many people without thinking "where is this relationship going?"......... who cares...... Or I have dated many that a certain trait was a long term turn off. Trouble on Wheels can be fun.. as long as you are aware of it. Control your head.

 

I think Alpha would be fun as hell to go out with..... I would not have expectations of a LTR with him.... but it would be interesting an probably quite a bit of fun......... We could date for 3 months and then meet up now and again.

 

I don't get the idea that the next person you meet or share time with has to be the "ONE". The constant urge to have deep feelings.

 

Chocolate...... even not so good chocolate still tastes good and is fun to eat

[Outcast]

All good in theory but I'm not the only one in a relationship and even if I'm not 'thinking long-term' he might be. And end up unhappy or worse.

 

Anyway, I just can't do 'recreational sex'. Doesn't work for me at all. It's like the famous arches burgers - not satisfying enough to bother with.

 

I think Alpha would be fun as hell to go out with

 

Be my guest LOL. I'll not fight you for him

[a4a]

All good in theory but I'm not the only one in a relationship and even if I'm not 'thinking long-term' he might be. And end up unhappy or worse.

 

Anyway, I just can't do 'recreational sex'. Doesn't work for me at all. It's like the famous arches burgers - not satisfying enough to bother with.

 

 

 

:

 

Who said you had to have sex with every person you date?

 

I went out with one guy and we had months of great fun... playing around, enjoying things like river rafting, trips, watching movies. He was hot but I was seeing other people too.

 

And if you are up front about your intentions you cannot be responsible for the other persons reactions or feelings.

 

If I did not have this attitude I never would have let my H into my life. A quality good hearted man with minimal bad traits and hot to boot

[Outcast]

I thought the 'jumping' was about from bed to bed. Anyhoo, I just don't find that many guys that pass my filters which include intellect, spirituality, and humour. Since you're non-spiritual, you'll find a lot more guys. It's harder to find guys who have both smarts and spirituality.

[a4a]

I thought the 'jumping' was about from bed to bed. Anyhoo, I just don't find that many guys that pass my filters which include intellect, spirituality, and humour. Since you're non-spiritual, you'll find a lot more guys. It's harder to find guys who have both smarts and spirituality.

 

Depends on what you define as spiritual?

 

I have dated practicing catholics, jews, buddhists, wiccans, agnostics, and atheists. Married a meat eating recovering catholic.

 

I must say I have filters as well, perhaps just a larger pool of selection is at my disposal because of me being more open minded?

 

I would only date one who was intelligent, humourous, stable, not addicted to drugs or alcohol, non racist, and open minded to different ideas.

[Outcast]

I would only date one who was intelligent, humourous, stable, not addicted to drugs or alcohol, non racist, and open minded to different ideas.

 

Me, too. Can't imagine where you found reams of them. I sure haven't. 'Spiritual' must be open-minded, too. No fundies for me.

 

at my disposal because of me being more open minded?

 

LOL - funny people think I'm close-minded. I'm just not bi and not all that fond of drugs and drinking but otherwise I'm a very live and let live sort.

[a4a]

Me, too. Can't imagine where you found reams of them. I sure haven't. 'Spiritual' must be open-minded, too. No fundies for me.

 

 

 

LOL - funny people think I'm close-minded. I'm just not bi and not all that fond of drugs and drinking but otherwise I'm a very live and let live sort.

 

Perhaps it is your fear of pain or hurting another that keeps people at bay?

 

Even if you find your soul mate they will leave you or you will leave them one day...... death has a funny way of tearing us apart.

 

You got to live, enjoy, and why not experience the pain if it comes your way....it makes happiness that much sweeter.

 

As for finding reams of them....... I could pick up the phone right now.

Announce I am getting divorced and the line would form at the door for me to make my selections from. Perhaps it is how one carries themselves..... I don't know? Hell the H's best friend called me last night to help me out with some things..... I tell ya he would be in line as well..... I am told that I am strong, to the point, fun, and keep a positive attitude on situations... overall a good person..... so I am told.... but it could just be my boobs?

[bendit]

They aren't Really attracted.

 

They play the Role of someone who is attracted. Relationship jumpers are fake. They are shallow. Their "love" is an inch deep and a mile wide (so everybody gits some). Their Hurts are papered over, to be dealt with at some future date that keeps getting pushed out.

 

They are needy and need to have a mate to feel validated. They are Phony. They are actors. They are pretenders and pretend to "love" you. Their "love" is conditional. They don't tell the truth. They are Afraid. They are afraid of being alone. They fear commitment.

 

Love is as Love does. Saying you love someone is Not Enough. Don't fall for it ever again. Require your SO to demonstrate their love with Actions and be sure you demonstrate it to them. Make sure there is actually Someone behind the mask.

 

regards

 

 

T

For relationship jumpers- what I don't get is how to be attracted to all those people?

I mean, I know a lot of relationship jumpers- I have a permanent bridesmaid position for a friend still after two cancelled weddings. She doesn't just have a line of guys waiting, she has an entire harem most of the time!

 

But I just can't do that. I can count the number of guys I've actually felt a real "spark" for in my life on one hand. So, from one extreme to the other, any jumpers got any advice on how to be more attracted to people?

[2020vision]

They aren't REALLY attracted.

 

They play the ROLE of someone who is attracted. Relationship jumpers are fake. They are shallow. They are needy and need to have a mate to feel validated. They are Phony. They are actors. They are pretenders and pretend to "love" you. Their "love" is conditional. They don't tell the truth. They are Afraid. They are afraid of being alone. They fear commitment.

 

Love is as Love does. Saying you love someone is NOT ENOUGH. Don't fall for it ever again. Require your SO to demonstrate their love with Actions and be sure you demonstrate it to them. Make sure there is actually SOMEONE behind the mask.

 

regards

 

 

T

 

 

Exactly. I was recently dating this guy whom I did not feel a "spark" with and I caught myself going through the motions of someone who is starting a relationship, but not FEELING them. I discontinued the relationship (in case anyone was wondering ...) This decision made by me is where most "jumpers" fail. They choose to stay in and engage in an physcial/emotional relationship with someone they are not even that into in the first place. Then, one day the feeligs, or lack there of, rear their ugly head someday and cause a break up.

 

Every person deserves to be on the receiving and giving end of real feelings.

[KittenMoon]

Exactly. I was recently dating this guy whom I did not feel a "spark" with and I caught myself going through the motions of someone who is starting a relationship, but not FEELING them.

 

My biggest fear, 2020. And I imagine it'll probably happen at least a couple times.... some people fall too hard, too quick. I had an exbf who did this- madly in love with me after a month (me and every other girl:lmao: ). I dumped him, tried to be friends and I agreed to go to a school dance with him, but he was still in "love" and I had to cut it off. He showed up crying one day at my house... I never ever want to see that look in a guy's eyes over me again.

 

I def can't be a jumper. I only hope I'll feel a "spark" someday again.

 

However, I am very entertained by my "jumper" friends.

[Chinook]

However, I am very entertained by my "jumper" friends.

 

 

Oh yah, I getcha there. Couple of my friends' lives make mine seem to be positively sedate and serene by comparison!

 

[a4a]

See why is it always about deep emotion? WTF? Can you not spend time with a person and know that you will not spend the rest of your life with that person but you can enjoy the time you are spending together? You cannot truly care about a person unless you plan on spending the rest of your life with that person?

 

How is that shallow? How is it shallow if you are point blank about your intentions. "I am not looking for a serious relationship at this point, I do not desire to get married"...... that is about as up front as you can be.

 

It is not a matter of needing validation it is a matter of not being ready to settle down with one person or not finding the right one yet if you wanted to marry, but still enjoying the company of others. And if you have many available selections it is not something you have to go looking for......it is just there.

 

Maybe the definition of a jumper needs to be defined?

 

Player.....whore...... or someone who dates many people often even after exiting a relationship recently.

 

I enjoyed my single life very much. I met many great people and had many good times. I never suspected that my H would even pop up out of the blue or it would get serious when I jumped him!

[KittenMoon]

See why is it always about deep emotion? WTF? Can you not spend time with a person and know that you will not spend the rest of your life with that person but you can enjoy the time you are spending together? You cannot truly care about a person unless you plan on spending the rest of your life with that person?

 

How is that shallow? How is it shallow if you are point blank about your intentions. "I am not looking for a serious relationship at this point, I do not desire to get married"...... that is about as up front as you can be.

 

There's nothing wrong with this. Enjoying the moment isn't bad. I think the "jumpers" being discussed (at least the ones I mean) are the type who jump from relationship to relationship obsessively intent on marriage for the sake of marriage.

 

I'm happy to say my closest jumper friend has sworn off marriage for the moment.... which means I won't be a bridesmaid for a while longer.

[a4a]

There's nothing wrong with this. Enjoying the moment isn't bad. I think the "jumpers" being discussed (at least the ones I mean) are the type who jump from relationship to relationship obsessively intent on marriage for the sake of marriage.

 

I'm happy to say my closest jumper friend has sworn off marriage for the moment.... which means I won't be a bridesmaid for a while longer.

 

well I guess I am a casual jumper

 

If they jump for the sake of looking for FOREVER...... they are screwed up in the head. They probably got mommy or daddy issues they need to work out.

 

Marriage is not a game nor should be taken lightly. It is as serious as committing murder..........

[KittenMoon]

If they jump for the sake of looking for FOREVER...... they are screwed up in the head. They probably got mommy or daddy issues they need to work out.

 

That's my friend! :::audience laugh track:::

[Trimmer]

See why is it always about deep emotion? WTF? Can you not spend time with a person and know that you will not spend the rest of your life with that person but you can enjoy the time you are spending together? You cannot truly care about a person unless you plan on spending the rest of your life with that person?

Isn't that what we call "friends"?

 

Now, I don't want to trigger this thread's descent into a "when harry met sally" debate over whether men and women can really "be friends" or not. It's like we say all the time around here, words are cheap, and ACTIONS matter. a4a, if you have a history of past relationships that were good and caring, added to your life and theirs, and didn't leave a string of shattered souls in your wake, then I think that's a little thing called "friendship". In my adult years before I was married, I had a number of female friends that didn't quite rise to the level of "dating" or "SO" (or "sex", well, not always, anyway), but who I valued as good, caring, fun friends.

 

With same-sex friends, I think friendships can sometimes safely evolve based on assumptions, unspoken expectations, etc. and still be "safe". I think a friendship with the opposite sex can work, but as in a marriage clear communication of boundaries, expectations, etc. are key.

[a4a]

Isn't that what we call "friends"?

 

Now, I don't want to trigger this thread's descent into a "when harry met sally" debate over whether men and women can really "be friends" or not. It's like we say all the time around here, words are cheap, and ACTIONS matter. a4a, if you have a history of past relationships that were good and caring, added to your life and theirs, and didn't leave a string of shattered souls in your wake, then I think that's a little thing called "friendship". In my adult years before I was married, I had a number of female friends that didn't quite rise to the level of "dating" or "SO" (or "sex", well, not always, anyway), but who I valued as good, caring, fun friends.

 

With same-sex friends, I think friendships can sometimes safely evolve based on assumptions, unspoken expectations, etc. and still be "safe". I think a friendship with the opposite sex can work, but as in a marriage clear communication of boundaries, expectations, etc. are key.

 

You know you can really love a person but be smart enough to realize it just won't work.

 

Also same sex friends theory?........ hummm.... what if you are bi?

 

and some (or could be many) did have a shattered heart in my wake... but not my doing. I was up front about zero future plans. I know I sent one into therapy......... it is not funny but I am laughing right now. It is funny how I got blamed for that one by others.

[Trimmer]

I know I sent one into therapy......... it is not funny but I am laughing right now. It is funny how I got blamed for that one by others.

Well, I felt bad about it, but I laughed when I read that, too...

 

I'm starting to feel like my wife (who, just to keep this marginally on-topic, I consider a "jumper") may, in some ways, have done me a favor by dumping me. Sent me into therapy, yes, but maybe in the long run, she wasn't so much the "cause" as the "trigger" that got me where I needed to be.

 

Probably the same with your friend - if he was that fragile to begin with, maybe he would have benefitted from the therapy either way - you were just part of the catalyst that helped him get where he needed to be.

 

And yeah if you're bi, then friendships could be a constant minefield, huh? I knew a lesbian couple, and they had a long term (6 mo. to a year) houseguest (also lesbian) living with them. Always wondered whether that would have been any kind of a 'charged' atmosphere, or what. Anywhere you look...

[KittenMoon]

Probably the same with your friend - if he was that fragile to begin with, maybe he would have benefitted from the therapy either way - you were just part of the catalyst that helped him get where he needed to be.

 

I'd tend to agree with this. I'm pretty mad at my ex for the fact I'm now in therapy and will probably be on anti-d's fairly soon... but at the same time I remember still being with him, being depressed, and knowing deep inside for years a mental break would come, sooner or later. It just needed a trigger (and here I am...)

 

So like Trimmer said, a person can easily be a trigger, not a cause.

[Diver012]

well I guess I am a casual jumper

 

If they jump for the sake of looking for FOREVER...... they are screwed up in the head. They probably got mommy or daddy issues they need to work out.

 

Marriage is not a game nor should be taken lightly. It is as serious as committing murder..........

 

This is primarily what im talking about. Its those people that Fall in Love, talk about marriage, how important you are, ect.. ect.. then Wammo, game over and their in another relationship. Your left standing their wondering WTF?!?

 

Now, on the other flip side, theres only 1 woman I know, that if she called tonight and asked me to be in a serious relationship, I wouldnt hesitate. I could easily put this entire thing behind me that quickly, if she wanted to have a serious relationship, even marriage with me. I have known her for years and will always be close to her.