Talking on Internet to other girls

[calm_rage]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we haven't had the most stable relationship, but he does seem to really love me and I love him. However, we are having some trust issues at the moment, as he kissed another girl at a party whilst drunk early in our relationship. He has also stuffed me around a fair bit in sorting out his feelings.

 

I never say he can't do anything, I let him have his freedom etc but he is starting to hide things from me. Whenever I go on the Internet at home (I live with him) and check the history for whatever reason (for the record I dont do it to snoop, I do it because I work from home alot and need to check things frequently from home) it comes up with those adult friend finder sites and I know I definetely wouldn't be on there as I wouldnt waste my time, having a boyfriend. I thought perhaps it was by mistake, they do come up alot as side bars or whatever so I just forgot about them.

 

Until yesterday. I received an email from someone, I do not know who they are, with an attachment. It was a conversation between my boyfriend and some girl who I don't know. From what I gathered, it was from one of those sites as they were asking questions like what music they like etc.

 

That is not what concerned me, although I do feel pretty bad that my boyfriend feels the need to go to those sites to obviously flirt. So that will be delat with too. What concerned me was that they were exchanging pictures:

 

Her:u got a cam?

Him: na, u?

Her: nah

Him: U got anymore pics?

Her: Yea

Him: Can i c them?

Her: yea. c?

Him: Yeah. Nice...

 

Now THAT has got me concerned as I know just exactly what kind of pictures they were, or he wouldn't have said nice... I have no problem with him looking at Porn, but I have a BIG problem with him exchanging photos with someone on MSN. I have read through these forums enough to know where that sort of behaviour ends up at. That is NOT the sort of thing which someone with a girlfriend should be doing. I was so upset I couldnt even speak to him yesterday. I dont know how to confront him, as I plainly need to to stop this. This is obviously not the first time nor the last.

 

It was obviously someone whom knows us who sent this to me, I have no idea but this is hurt me that he could plainly disregard me as his partner and go around indulging in this behaviour. I was trying to work on my trust issues and then this comes along? I dont want to break up with him, I want to work through this but I need to know how to approach this without him just agreeing and then going behind my back and doing it again.

 

Should I confront im with the printed out copy tonight?

[norajane]

I would certainly show it to him. Don't accuse, but do ask him to explain what's going on and why. You'll learn a lot about your boyfriend and your relationship by the way he talks to you about this.

[Citizen Erased]

I would confront him calmly, without yelling or tears, hand him the paper and ask him what it is about. It doesn't sound like nothing and I think you have every right to bring it up. Does he have an account for any of these websites? Can you install a Key Logger on the Computer so you can find out?

 

You are right, this is not acceptable behaviour from someone who is not single. If he is looking for companionship then he is disregarding your feelings and that is not right. Are you sure he is the right person for you?

[calm_rage]

I know that my friend tried a Key Logger on her Husbands computer but he found it and disabled it because it kept coming up with a Registration Warning every time he logged on. Does anyone know of one that is invisible totally?

 

I still dont know how I feel about snooping though, but I guess that if need be then I should.

 

It just really hurts that he could do this. I am having second thoughts about being with him because I can just feel my trust slipping further and further away and I find trust to be the most important thing in order for me to love someone. However, I believe in giving 110% to a relationship so I will try to sort this out. I dont believe in giving up so I will make sure a relationship is going nowhere before leaving.

 

I just dont know what to do. He will get defensive and I dont want us to fight because that will get us nowhere. What do I say if he says that he can;t see the problem, he was just mucking around etc? I will not tolerate it but I just dont know what to say if he refuses to cooperate.

 

He also casually mentioned the other day that he is suddenly going to be going out to a club with a bunch of guys he barely even knows. I am only mentioning this because he has never in his whole entire life stepped FOOT in a club, he hates them. I guess it just seems a tad coincidental that when I find out this he suddenly has to go out. Plus, I always invite him when I go out but he didnt even mention me going with him, bring a couple of my friends etc like I have wanted to do for ages. AAAGH!!!!!!!!!! I am so frustrated at the moment.

[P1xie]

I know that my friend tried a Key Logger on her Husbands computer but he found it and disabled it because it kept coming up with a Registration Warning every time he logged on. Does anyone know of one that is invisible totally?

 

I still dont know how I feel about snooping though, but I guess that if need be then I should.

 

It's probably a good thing not to snoop. There are programs out there that can show you frame by frame what someone does while on the computer. They will run you over $100.00. You will see even if he just double clicks on my computer.

 

Are you sure someone did not make up the e-mail? It's not hard to do. Also if your b-f frequents porn sites the adult friend finder is usually a pop up so that could be why it's in your history. Did you look further into the history to see if he browsed through the site or was it just the first page?

[calm_rage]

It's probably a good thing not to snoop. There are programs out there that can show you frame by frame what someone does while on the computer. They will run you over $100.00. You will see even if he just double clicks on my computer.

 

Are you sure someone did not make up the e-mail? It's not hard to do. Also if your b-f frequents porn sites the adult friend finder is usually a pop up so that could be why it's in your history. Did you look further into the history to see if he browsed through the site or was it just the first page?

 

He wasn't just browsing, it was specific profiles. In fact, I noticed one had been looked at a few times.

 

And I checked the MSN history and he had deleted most recent conversations but that one was there as well as a couple of others which were no more then a couple of words exchanged. I hate having to do this because I want to trust him but I just know if I dont confront this then he will think he can keep doing it. And I do not intend to have a boyfriend whom does crap like this.

[whichwayisup]

Show it to him and let him know HOW upset this has made you. If he understands what his actions are doing to you and the relationship, hopefully he'll stop completely.

 

If he continues to use the computer and hide things from you, then this is going to be an on-going problem.

 

Ask him to start spending more time with you. Both of you reconnect and work on the relationship. Ask him if any of his needs aren't being met and if that is why he's looking online. Again, let him know that it hurts you and is only doing damage. No good can come of him flirting with other girls and swapping pictures.

[P1xie]

He wasn't just browsing, it was specific profiles. In fact, I noticed one had been looked at a few times.

 

And I checked the MSN history and he had deleted most recent conversations but that one was there as well as a couple of others which were no more then a couple of words exchanged. I hate having to do this because I want to trust him but I just know if I dont confront this then he will think he can keep doing it. And I do not intend to have a boyfriend whom does crap like this.

 

Well if you know for sure then you need to confront him. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt at first and won't usually confront someone unless I'm almost positive.

 

Part of the reason my parents got divorced after 35 years was my father was having his "Internet Affairs". He would e-mail, msg, snail-mail and have conversations on the phone. Our bill would be over $600.00 sometimes. It was insane. I would confront him before it escalates.

[calm_rage]

Show it to him and let him know HOW upset this has made you. If he understands what his actions are doing to you and the relationship, hopefully he'll stop completely.

 

If he continues to use the computer and hide things from you, then this is going to be an on-going problem.

 

Ask him to start spending more time with you. Both of you reconnect and work on the relationship. Ask him if any of his needs aren't being met and if that is why he's looking online. Again, let him know that it hurts you and is only doing damage. No good can come of him flirting with other girls and swapping pictures.

 

Thanks WWIU. Your advice at least made me feel a bit calmer. I never thought that this would be a result of his needs not being met, so thank you for pointing that out. I just want this to stop and you have just given me some confidence to address this. Thanks for that!

[calm_rage]

Well if you know for sure then you need to confront him. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt at first and won't usually confront someone unless I'm almost positive.

 

Part of the reason my parents got divorced after 35 years was my father was having his "Internet Affairs". He would e-mail, msg, snail-mail and have conversations on the phone. Our bill would be over $600.00 sometimes. It was insane. I would confront him before it escalates.

 

Yes I am alsoa strong believer in not jumping to conclusions, which is why I checked on his computer. I felt horrible doing it as I believe in everyone's right to privacy but I felt this was a circumstance which I couldn't avoid. I am not a snoop but I had to make sure.

 

Im so sorry to hear about your parents, that is terrible. I definetely dont want this to get to that extreme so I will confront him tonight with the proof in my hand.

[calm_rage]

Well I just thought I would update. I confronted him about it. Apparently he had been a part of the site since before we had been together. He then decided to go on it, I believe since last November. Yes that's right. He has been doing this for nearly a year. *********.

 

Anyway, so he said that it was nothing, he was bored. So I asked him why he didn't tell them he had a girlfriend. His reply? "Because no-one asked". *feeling urge to kick him in the nuts* Okay so we worked it out, but yesterday I cracked and I took a look at his email. It had some emails with a reply saying " hi I saw your pic, youre hot, how about we meet up, add me to msn" etc. However, they also had incredibly weird emails which looked like they are from India or something so thats impossible. He says they are cos he signs up for some car site thing and has been getting those emails ever since. Plus, he did point out that they did not use his name, the email addresses were not from anyplace I had ever seen.

 

Well anyway back to yesterday; I went back into his email and I figured out his 2 other email addresses. He had like 100 or something emails on this one and they were all from chicks on the sight afore mentioned. I deleted his account on the site, I deleted all of the girl email addresses and I changed the additional two email passwords. haha let THAT confuse the hell out of him. He doesn't know that I know about the emails so if he confronts me I will be like "um... why do you need 3 emails for?" Last night he said "im changing the password on my email" I was like if you do then I know you have something to hide. Plus, I could figure it out within like 5 minutes cos he is non too bright when it comes to passwords.

 

I feel so bad about doing all of this but I do know that if we are to work through this then I need to be able to learn to trust him. We are going to go to couples counselling and I will have to refrain from checking emails. I am however going to insist that we are both completely honest with each other and that I will also hand over my password to him, will stop speaking to my ex which he hates (it only began like 2 weeks ago but he rubs my boyfriend the wrong way) as he feels uncomfortable with him in our life.

[hopeful-pessimist]

i'm going through the same thing w my bf...but i think i'm in a stickier situation.... has confronting him helped the situation any? would you recommend me to do the same?

[Cinnesyn]

My fiance & I both play games on a website where you can chat while playing the games. One day I walked over to his computer when he was playing games and HE CLOSED THE CHAT WINDOW! This totally freaked me out, we had an argument about it and he told me that the only reason he closed the chat window was that I was so insecure and he knew I'd get upset over nothing. Well, bad move on his part! I bought a keylogger and have been monitoring his chats. I've been able to see everything he's said and his chats were not all that innocent.

 

When I confronted him, he said he knew I was spying on him and wanted to make it juicy for my benefit. I told him that emotional cheating can lead to physical cheating and it would have to stop or he'd have to move out immediately. Well, it did stop.

 

I told him that a friend of mine emailed me screenshots of his conversations and have never mentioned the keylogger to him. I still monitor his activity but it's not nearly as bad as it was. He did email his "friend" and told her that I had a friend spying on him and he understood why I was so upset and that he hoped she was still his friend, even though he hadn't been on the game site in a while. That wasn't exactly what I was hoping to see but he does stay away. Sometimes though, he logs into the game site, sees she's not logged on and then he logs off. It also seems like he is depressed lately (my insecure mind says he misses her) but I have peace of mind that he's not chatting with her anymore.

 

When I confronted him, I told him his behavior was totally unacceptable for an engaged man. I told him I would not hesitate to kick his butt out of my house if it continued and I even went so far as to separate our money (we used to have a joint account). I also read up on WHY men feel they have to flirt online. One source mentioned that it's a way to boost their ego so I've made it a point to pay more attention to him, compliment him, and even flirt with him myself. I've also reexamined why I'm so insecure and realize extra pounds don't help so I've also been watching what I eat.

 

One weird thing I have noticed is that I think I'm hoping he'll chat with her again and step out of line. It's almost like I think that since he was chatting with her that way, he was cheating. I feel hurt and want to hurt him back. I know one way to hurt him is to kick him out (his whole life would change and not for the better - he'd probably lose his job because we live right next door to where he works and he doesn't drive, I make a decent buck and he doesn't, and he'd miss my cat. LOL!) Seriously, it's a weird feeling hoping he'll step out of line so I can nail him and also hoping he doesn't step out of line because I love him.

[Cinnesyn]

I've realized why I'm getting such a rush out of monitoring his keystrokes - I'd rather catch him cheating and confront him than be told he found someone else and he's leaving me.

 

How's that for sick?

 

I'm going to go see a professional.

[Adora]

I've realized why I'm getting such a rush out of monitoring his keystrokes - I'd rather catch him cheating and confront him than be told he found someone else and he's leaving me.

 

How's that for sick?

 

I'm going to go see a professional.

 

I wouldn't call it sick, a bit obsessive, but not sick <3 (imo, I don't think you need to seek professional help!)

 

I use to do the same with my fiance earlier on in our relationship (we are gamers too)- spying, and he use to do the same (closing chat windows, closing the explorer window when I peeked over his shoulder to see what he was looking at) - but he'd always say 'I'm just messing with you to see your reaction' which in the end was all he was doing. I am not saying your situation is the same, but sometimes guys like to play games to get their SO worked up and jealous. Shows how much we love them? What a sick world!!

 

But I feel you, I'd rather catch the lying snake rather than having someone else tell me later. Save the misery of finding out from a third party.

[Cinnesyn]

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