New husband has fear of intimacy but denies it

[Guest]

Hello, I just got married a few months ago. Hubby and I dated for 2 years prior. I just want to say is a loyal, good, sweet, huge hearted man. He's 38, I'm 34, first marriage for both. Here's the bad things: From the very beginning of our relationship he lost interest in sex. He hardly ever compliments me, he doesn't notice if I look good or ugly - he says I always look the same - good. I'm so used to old boyfriends that dote on me and want to make love to me and look in my eyes all the time.

 

This is not the case with my husband. I tried to break up with him a billion times over this, saying "your a great guy, but this just isn't for me, I am not happy". Everytime he begs and pleads to give him time, it will happen, it's coming, he's hardened over the years. I get really confused because, there's so many signs I think that he is "not into me". But then, there are other signs he is. My engagement day was the most romantic, well planned, day ever. He put a lot of thought and effort into it. Everyday he comes home from work and kisses and hugs me. He tucks me in lovingly every night (because he stays up to watch golf programs). He's my best friend. He's always on my side when I am having a problem at work or with a friend. Sometimes I think we are too independant.

 

Even on the wedding day we barely hung out with each other. He insisted on having 12 groomsmen and we had 300 guests. Who has time for the new wife when you have so many other obligations? He's always considerate about everyone's feelings, which is a good thing I guess, but what about ME? I am naturally good natured and happy. Therefore, I think he thinks I don't need special attention. He says to stop pressuring him. So I say ok and I do. I go on with my happy life - no pressure - then I see 2 weeks go by and no sex. I think he's glad when I leave him alone. He's a golf fanatic, he's obsessed. He can party all night long, then get up 2 hours later to go play golf. He says he has no energy for sex, he's stressed out, "we're so busy right now" - every excuse in the book.

 

I'm beginning to realize it's just not a sex problem, I'm beginning to think it's a fear of intimacy. He gets embarrased when I give him a compliment, sex talk embarrases him, when I am serious and look him in the eye and tell him I love him. It's like he can't be serious - he's like a 12 yr. old boy. His parents divorced when he was 12. Mom cheated and dad made sure she was kicked out without her kids. Then dad was a workaholic. He never laughed at my husband's jokes (as a kid) - dad could not connect to child.

 

He's a good, good person. He wants to be married to me. But, he has all these different escapes going on (golf and tv). I feel so sad and unloved. We cannot connect on a deep intimate level and it makes me feel unfulfilled in my relationship. I don't know what to do. He doesn't think there's anything wrong.

 

Whatever I need in the marriage, he says "it's coming....soon...I promise" He's broken a lot of promises like this, how can I trust him? We tried counciling at one time and it ended up being a big joke. The male therapist would side with him, saying give an example of why you are hurt - then I would, then they would simplify it, no validation whats so ever. Oh, hubby smokes pot too (I don't)I told him on our first date that I don't date guys who do drugs not even pot. He admitted to doing it - only on occasion - "but it's on it's way out" - same with cigarettes. Still smoking both.

 

Please help, what should I do?!! I'm so sad....!!!

[whichwayisup]

Let him know how unhappy you are, don't hold back. Let him know that you love him too! And that you two should try some marriage counselling.

 

He does have some issues from his childhood and probably other experiences in life that is affecting him now. Marriage counselling and some therapy WILL help. Let's just hope he's willing to go, because if he doesn't try to work this out, the marriage is heading downhill. As much as you love him, if he isn't meeting your needs - In and out of the bedroom, things are only going to get worse.

[JamesM]

And it doesn't sound as if he had much of a role model in a father or mother. His father may not have been attentive to his mother which may have led her to cheat.

 

Also, be careful. He may have trust issues with you. His mother cheated on his father. He may feel that at any moment you could cheat on him. Closeness and intimacy leaves one more vulnerable to being hurt.