Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Hi all... I'm getting married in just under three weeks, and I just can't get past the fact that I'm having continuous mixed feelings about it. I'm not anticipating it, and am spending way too much time wondering if I've made the right decision. The girl I'm marrying is a total sweetheart, and I've never cared for anyone as much as I do her. We've been dating for 8 years now (wow), since the later end of high school. We have (enough) shared interests, and when I come home at night I enjoy coming home to her. The problem is, while I do love her I can't shake the feeling that I don't love her enough--like we don't connect quite enough for her to be my life partner. We're incredibly comfortable with each other, and I know she's head-over-heals crazy about me. While I love her, I can't say I'm the same. Lately when I think about her, and I guess it's been this way for most of the year long residency, her negatives always come to mind. I suppose it's not very fair that the last year has been (even beyond the wedding planning) the most stressful year either of us have ever had, due to careers and moving. A few days ago, when she wanted to go shopping for a new curio (to hold many of the wedding gifts) I suggested to wait until after the wedding, when our stress level would be much lower. She flipped out a bit, saying that the life stress won't go down at all, and will just get worse. Now, she's a high stress individual in general, and also prone to hyperbole. Still, it scared the heck out of me when she said that, because I've been hopping that the stress level would plummet after the wedding. I'm not sure I could (or would want to) take a lifetime of this near-constant stress. I had a tough time deciding whether to propose, and she got wind of it and took it horribly (she'd always assumed I'd never had any doubts, and was just waiting to get settled). She said I was thinking too hard, and trying to be too damn logical. She's probably right. As it is, I can't tell whether I'm trying to talk myself into a wedding that my gut (a very valuable predictor) is telling me is wrong, or my fears are causing me to try and talk myself out of something which could be the best thing to ever come my way. Anyway, I'm not sure that I have a question, but if anyone has any opinions or experiance that they think might help, I'd love it. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Geeze, Slugger, if you even have a morsel of a doubt....if you aren't absolutely CERTAIN that this is the girl of your dreams...if getting married to her is not something you want to do more than anything in the world, CANCEL THE WEDDING!!! Yes, just cancel it. You are not ready for marriage, to this lady or any lady right now. You may be slightly embarassed but cancelling the wedding is ions better than going through with getting in an uncertain pr even undesired marriage situation. You could be overanalyzing but you are still not sure of what you want to do. You still don't know if this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your time with. Have a heart to heart talk with her...and be very gentle. She will not take it well in any case and she may throw some crap at you so be sure to bring a shield with you. Choose your words wisely and carefully. You will never thank yourself enough for getting out of this situation. From here on out, never never never never never never never never never never never never never....I MEAN N-E-V-E-R....propose to any person again unless you are sure you want to marry them beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's not too late to cancel now...but you may hesitate more and more if you wait. See a good counsellor if you're still confused. You may need a good therapist to work all this out, particularly if it's just fear and apprehension working on you. Here's a thread started by a guy who, in fact, recently called of his own wedding: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94395/ Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Your 20's are a time of great change, and discovery about who you are and what is important to you. It's not unusual to realize that the person you have been with since late high school really isn't someone you can be with now that you've matured a bit and know yourself - and her- better as an adult. Listen to your gut instinct - it's been telling you something for a long time now. If you have been ambivalent about this relationship since before you proposed, it's likely that you have some significant hesitations and concerns about whether she will be a life partner for you...forever. You're seeing that your girlfriend is high stress and hyperbole; this is part of her character. If you can't handle that through thick and thin, through career changes and home purchases, through pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing, through illnesses and financial troubles and troubles with the kids' schools, through career setbacks and other life changes, you will be making a big mistake on your wedding day. You must share your concerns with her, and you ought to be able to do so with the woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with. If she dismisses these issues by telling you that you are overthinking and being too logical rather than taking you seriously, then you are not starting with a good foundation for a lifetime commitment. Don't marry unless you are certain about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 My best advice is to delay (if not cancel) the wedding and do some premartial counceling. If you do go through with it go to counceling anyway. Councelors will help you to determine what stregnths you each have that will make your marriage stronger and will help you to gain stregnth in your weaker areas. If you are really doubting your decision that much and you don't think it is just cold feet, then don't get married. It will be better than getting a divorce soon! Link to post Share on other sites
slinkysu Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Hi all... I'm getting married in just under three weeks, and I just can't get past the fact that I'm having continuous mixed feelings about it. I'm not anticipating it, and am spending way too much time wondering if I've made the right decision. The girl I'm marrying is a total sweetheart, and I've never cared for anyone as much as I do her. We've been dating for 8 years now (wow), since the later end of high school. We have (enough) shared interests, and when I come home at night I enjoy coming home to her. The problem is, while I do love her I can't shake the feeling that I don't love her enough--like we don't connect quite enough for her to be my life partner. We're incredibly comfortable with each other, and I know she's head-over-heals crazy about me. While I love her, I can't say I'm the same. Lately when I think about her, and I guess it's been this way for most of the year long residency, her negatives always come to mind. I suppose it's not very fair that the last year has been (even beyond the wedding planning) the most stressful year either of us have ever had, due to careers and moving. A few days ago, when she wanted to go shopping for a new curio (to hold many of the wedding gifts) I suggested to wait until after the wedding, when our stress level would be much lower. She flipped out a bit, saying that the life stress won't go down at all, and will just get worse. Now, she's a high stress individual in general, and also prone to hyperbole. Still, it scared the heck out of me when she said that, because I've been hopping that the stress level would plummet after the wedding. I'm not sure I could (or would want to) take a lifetime of this near-constant stress. I had a tough time deciding whether to propose, and she got wind of it and took it horribly (she'd always assumed I'd never had any doubts, and was just waiting to get settled). She said I was thinking too hard, and trying to be too damn logical. She's probably right. As it is, I can't tell whether I'm trying to talk myself into a wedding that my gut (a very valuable predictor) is telling me is wrong, or my fears are causing me to try and talk myself out of something which could be the best thing to ever come my way. Anyway, I'm not sure that I have a question, but if anyone has any opinions or experiance that they think might help, I'd love it. Thanks for listening. You've been feeling this way for a year and not spoken to her about it? 3 weeks before the wedding and now you think it's the right time to bring it up? Whilst i agree that it is best to talk to her about this now - don't wait till any closer to the wedding - talk as soon as you can - i fail to understand why you never mentioned this to her before? IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS DON'T GET ENGAGED. Also be prepared to shoulder the entire financial burden of your decision. Wedding insurance doesn't cover cold feet and as the person making the decision it is your responsibility to cover costs and inform all wedding guests invited of what you have done. You're going to break your fiances heart and cause her untold pain - but it is better than entering into a loveless marriage and having her feel doubtful of your feelings for the rest of her life. Next time never commit yourself to something unless you are sure of your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 You've gotten good advice so far. Marriage is hard, and if you aren't sure, that could be a bad sign. But, I'm not as gung ho as everyone else to tell you to call it off. You've been together for 8 years. Every relationship has it's ebbs and flows. And just because you are suppossed to be feeling all romantic like, doesn't mean that getting married holds off the rocky times. You've said that the two of you have been under more stress than you've ever been before. Well, look back at times where there was less stress. What did you think about then. Also, are you fears about marriage about her, or about marriage in general? Do you see the two of you making good partners? Can you make joint decisions? How is your communication? It really could just be a rough patch. You've been together for 8 years, you are due for one. Thic could just be cold feet. The one big red flag in my eyes, was your fiance telling you not to be so logical. Um, excuse me, but this is a serious decision. Throughing logic out the window is the worst decision possible. Think it through and try and determine what your fears really are. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Do you feel passion for your fiancee? Do you love her or are you in love with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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