should i call

[ALLALONEAT35]

Its been 1 whole week since I last seen him. I did talk to him on Wednesday, short and to the point. However, I am starting to get the feeling he doesnt care about me anymore. I want to see him, but everyone I talk to said dont, let him come to you. The more I think about our life together, it seemed like I was the one always going to him. He really never was a phone guy. Hmmm, should I take that in to concentration and call him? Hmmm, what to do, what to do.

[dgiirl]

It's so hard not to call, but dont call him. I assume you already told him once that you love him? That you want to work on your relationship? If so, there's nothing more you can do and calling him will only aggravate him more. But if you must call him, then call him. When I called my ex, it only hurt me more, I could feel my heart shatter into tiny pieces when he got angry and annoyed. It hurt like hell, but reality finally slapped me really hard in the face, something I needed to have happened (and still do from time to time).

 

Are you not mad that you were the one who was always keeping things together? Dont you think you deserve a little better? Someone who actually comes to YOU from time to time? Let him go. If he comes back, that's great. Otherwise, life will go on and happiness will come back into your life if you just keep focusing on you and not on him. You have to get yourself together. You have to get your confidence back. It's your only chance of attracting him back, or attracting someone better.

[Lor]

It's so hard not to call, but dont call him. I assume you already told him once that you love him? That you want to work on your relationship? If so, there's nothing more you can do and calling him will only aggravate him more. But if you must call him, then call him. When I called my ex, it only hurt me more, I could feel my heart shatter into tiny pieces when he got angry and annoyed. It hurt like hell, but reality finally slapped me really hard in the face, something I needed to have happened (and still do from time to time).

 

Are you not mad that you were the one who was always keeping things together? Dont you think you deserve a little better? Someone who actually comes to YOU from time to time? Let him go. If he comes back, that's great. Otherwise, life will go on and happiness will come back into your life if you just keep focusing on you and not on him. You have to get yourself together. You have to get your confidence back. It's your only chance of attracting him back, or attracting someone better.

 

So sorry to hear you are going thru this. Dgiirl and I have been thru the same wringer, like a lot of people on this site. Here are some words of advice to you. I want you to print it out, look it over every day and don't just read it, DO IT! We've all been where you are. We've gone thru the depression, the sadness, the anger, the wanting, the waiting. You may not follow this advice at first, but you will eventually. And you will HAVE to, for yourself. Its taken me 53 weeks to realize that this advice is true and solid--but I didn't follow it for a long time. Oh I knew it, I'd read it, I'd heard it.

 

I'm glad to hear you got on something for the depression. I read where someone told you not to, that you are hurting your health. Honey, this situation you are in is going to ruin your health if you didn't and are feeling depression. Hopefully it will be temporary for you--but it does help keep some of the hurt at bay so you can function.

 

No one can tell you what to do, only give advice. Its so easy to say you'll find someone else, doesn't mean you have to want to. Work on yourself. If you want to talk about him, do it. Ask your friends if they mind. They are trying to be supportive. Over time, you'll find you have other things to talk about.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

 

 

It may all feel easier said than done, and it is right now. But it will get easier. Should you call him? IMO, no, unless you want to feel like dirt. And don't sleep with him. If he wants that, let him come home. He's got his Mommy to take care of him, his kids to spoil, and you to cater to everything else. What more could he ask for at this point? Why should he come home? He's got it all. Show him what he won't have. Let him Mom deal with him and his kids....wonder how long she'll put up with that?

[Lor]

.......and here's another one that helps........

 

You know....I hate to say it...but you sound a lot like what women in domestic abuse cases say about their men. They make excuses for him hitting and hurting them:

 

He was under a lot of stress.

It's not like him. That's not how he normally acts.

We've had money problems.

I know I haven't been the greatest (wife/GF)...I guess I can do more

 

You are making tons and tons of excuses for her. The only time you seem to get any clear reaction from her is on the days that you are focused on your life and children WITHOUT HER. I'm not saying run out and get a divorce or to close the door on her. But look at the results. You go on living, get yourself straight and develop some sort of social life outside of her = she comes around and pays attention to you and the kids and get's worried about your future together. You then profess your undying love for her and that she can come back whenever and so on and so on. -- She cools off and back pedals.

 

Why?

 

Because she's comfortable. She doesn't have to make a choice. I think your problem is that you are playing this like a GAME....and you hate playing games. So stop playing games. Actually live your life and move forward. Do not be concerned about her, her well being or her feelings. She's a big girl and can/will take care of herself. She DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP COMING BACK HOME. Don't you get that even if she decides to come back home....it means NOTHING to her if you draw a road map, give her keys to the door, leave the door open with wine, dinner and roses on the table. Exactly WHAT effort did she put into getting things right with you?

 

You're telling yourself to get her back FIRST and then you'll sort the mess out. You've got it backwards. She needs to value her family and her relationship with you and she CAN'T if you keep SPOONFEEDING her like a baby. She cannot respect you as a man if you don't have a life of your own.

 

Here's the hard part. Life your life for yourself and your kids. Don't play a game...actually focus on making your life better for you and your family. You don't need to go out and date other women.....you don't need to file divorce....you just need to work towards happiness in your life in the time of pain and darkness. Understand that she cannot provide you with any happiness or anyway out of this pain. You have to fight your way out. Focus on your busieness, grow it. Get your financial affairs in order (if that means bankruptcy then so be it) spend more time with your kids. Spend time with friends and family. She'll want to come around again. Let her. Fine....but have it on your terms. Work out a visitation schedule. I would advise leaving her alone with the kids. No sense in confusing them as well until you two know for sure that you are going to get back together.

 

In time if she values the relationship....talk things out...(remember to let her come to you.....you are the victim here)....don't help her out though. Go to counseling and LET THE COUNSELOR help her. You are in no position to provide her with any emotional or mental support. You..are...the...victim.

 

I hope at least some of this get's through to you. It sounds like this marriage is more than salvageable.....but you have to stop shooting yourself in the foot. You're killing your chance to reconcile. The said thing is....your full of love and you're just following your heart. This isn't about love anymore. Love is the easy part. Remember that.

 

These have helped me out tremendously. Hold on to them until you are ready to HEAR what they say. It probably isn't now but it will be eventually.

 

You are your number one priority. Take care of yourself and your kids, and everything else will fall into place--with or without him.

[Gunny376]

We want what we can't have

 

The person that cares the less, that has the less emotional investment ~ controls the relationship.

 

I had this woman, that I've never meet face to face. Because of my knowledge, experience, and skill set with the military ~ I helped her and her family with some serious issues related to divorce, the military, and other issues.

 

We were just internet buddies. She fell "in love" with me. She started sending me stuff. It got to be too much, it got to be annoying. The more she did it ~ the further it pushed me away.

 

The list that Lor posted ~ when I was going through it ~ I did just about everything the exact oppossite. What the list said not to do ~ I did, what it said do, I didn't. The more I did of it ~ the further it aleinated my XW from me.

 

In the end, all accomplished was postpone the inevetable, made it harder on myself by a factor of 10 with a exponential of about 100, fell into a deep and prolonged depression, lost my "center", self esteem, self respect.

 

The way to handle this? Follow the above list, and allow yourself one day and one day only for a pity party. Then pick yourself up and get busy. Get and stay busy, keep moving,the only time you stop, is to shower and catch some z's.

 

When you get to thinking about hm, say the following attitude adjustors:

 

"He's dead to me!"

 

"That charpter of my life is closed! I have to accept that!"

[Lor]

.....well, maybe more than one day for a pity party? We aren't all as tough as the Marines (HooYah!) He's not dead to you yet--he may never be. But do take it day by day. If you need to vent, scream, cry...whatever....come on here and do it. You can do all that to him but does he want to hear it? or even hear it? probably not. He sounds rather selfish to me, for years, even before his kids showed up in the picture.

 

So let him be selfish.......and now its your turn to be selfish.

[Gunny376]

.....well, maybe more than one day for a pity party? We aren't all as tough as the Marines (HooYah!).

 

LOL!

 

It "OOOOOOORRRRRAAHHHH!" said from deep down in the diaphram and with great emphasis and very loudly!

 

HooYah is what the Army says. They use to say "Cool" like the Air Force does. I think the Navy says, "Whatever!"

[Lor]

LOL!

 

It "OOOOOOORRRRRAAHHHH!" said from deep down in the diaphram and with great emphasis and very loudly!

 

HooYah is what the Army says. They use to say "Cool" like the Air Force does. I think the Navy says, "Whatever!"

 

 

The Marines say, "Alright boys, time to end this thing!"

 

I'm a very big fan of all the military--but am partial to Marines. My son is joining the Navy after HS, mainly cuz the Marines would kill him. I'll be so proud no matter which branch he joins.

[ALLALONEAT35]

Today I was shocked, my husband came over, its his first time since the 4th of july. I was really trying hard to put on the happy face, and pretend that I wasnt hurting inside. I did a good job, I think. He only came over to get more of his things. He still has alot of stuff here, but doesnt seem interested in taking it all at once.

 

Even though I was doing good with the happy face, my daughter (step to him) came home. Saying dad do you know mom prays every night for you to come home. She even told him I had a special song that represents my feeling towards him. I felt like crawling under the table. I told her to just be quiet, but she for some reason wanted him to know I was missing him, and still in love with him. She tried to ask him if we could do something this weekend, all of us. But he just didnt know what he was doing, so I quickly said, I have to work, that ended that weekend fun. I just dont want to see her get hurt.

 

He didnt stay long, when he did he hugged me good bye, I told him I would walk him to his truck. He said something to me that stood out, he goes this is different, I said what usually when you walk me to my truck, you are yelling at me. I didnt say anything. I hugged him again, saying I wished it wasnt like this. He says thats life. Then I said goodbye, walked away, holding on to those three words, i love you. It felt weird. I wanted to tell him so bad, but I knew it might not mean nothing to him.

 

What do you think, you think I did the right thing? What should I do now?

Just leave him alone and let him come around when he is ready to get alittle more of his things, hmmm, its sad to see him go.

 

You know what makes me mad about all this, today and I mean today, I was finally laughing again...