Update on "Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband"

[sugarplum]

It is true that the penis "shrinks" when a man becomes overweight. It has to do with the kegel muscle, I think. The one they use to, er, make it throb or move around and whatnot. I knew a guy in HS would could balance a book on his wang-bulge and move it up and down. Ah, memories. But I digress.

 

When the dude gets a gut, it actually kind of creates this couterweight that pulls the muscle up into their abdomen, creating the illusion of a shorter weenis. When the lose the gut, it appears as if the weenis increases in length, but actually they just make the counterweight lighter so it doesn't pull the weenis back in as much.

 

I'm just sayiN!

 

Well this should be reason enough for most men!

[worriedsick]

I don't get it. Maybe it's just me, but if it were a man on here complaining about his wife's weight the women would be sickened.

I personally have a husband who loves me more than anything in this world. He was in very good shape when we met and married. It only lasted a short time though. He has since gained almost 80 pounds since we met a little over 2 years ago. Blasting a man's ego is the worst thing that you could have done to begin with.

I have learned from once having been the overweight, that shame and punishment just don't work. Self esteem comes from oneself. If you wanted your husband to ever do anything about his weight, you should have gone about it differently. He knows he's gained weight. It's not that he doesn't care about you or your opinion. Have you ever been overweight? Do you know how he must feel inside? At some point HE will discover that it is hurting him. HE will take control of the situation. But as long as people are shaming him, it will never happen. It will only make him more depressed and less able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have supported my husband in all that he does. But it is HIS choice on what to do about HIS body. And I can happily say, that on his own, he woke up and realized just how much weight he had put on and decided to do something about it himself. I didn't push him or even mention it to him. He on his own has lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I do however encourage healthy eating at home, because I am healthy now.

I'm just so sad to see what you call a "good marriage" fall apart over something like this. Believe me, having been single for over 6 years I wouldn't trade my overweight husband for any stud in this world. Attraction is more than skin deep to me. Good luck to you both.

 

Okay, so apparently I am expected to overlook the fatness, basically just swallow the fact that he doesn't care that his appearance grosses me out and provide him with sex whenever he wants it, judging by what you posted. I tried for a long time to be supportive by changing the way we ate around the house and cutting out all the junky food. Instead, he would just stop at the gas station when I wasn't with him and buy the crap to eat while he was at work or on the way home from work.

 

I haven't tried to shame or punish him but withholding sex - I am just physically repulsed by the way he looks and I am a very visual creature, so it's hard for me to overlook that when we have sex. All I see and feel is fatness and it's hard for me to enjoy the sex (even though he's always been very good in bed). I don't plan on saying "Okay, loose the flab or I'm gone". But, sexless marriages don't tend to thrive, so my fear is that if he does nothing about and and we continue to not have sex, it'll end up in divorce.

 

You say at some point he'll realize - well, he already has. He realizes he's fat and it's unhealthy, but has stated he just really isn't that concerned about it. Now what should I do? As for the inference that I should be happy with my overweight, lazy husband rather than be single again - I don't want to be single again, either. But, I also don't want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage where we hardly ever have sex. I would just like to hear what you suggest I do with the situation now that you've heard more of what's going on.

[Ladyjane14]

You can't control other people's choices, you can only control your own.

 

Your choices are fairly obvious. You can either learn to love your husband for the man he is today. Or, you can dump him as unsuitable to your purposes.

 

I doubt you're going to be successful in forcing change upon him. And even if you did, the resentment he would feel toward you would invalidate your efforts.

[sugarplum]

We can love someone as much as we want, but if the physical attraction isn't there - its a problem. Its usually what draws 2 people together in the first place. They like what they see, then they talk, and like what they hear,etc. I said usually, not always. Point is, its important. If I am in love with someone, I want to present the best of myself to them. I do my hair, makeup, shave my legs, and try to watch my figure. I want the man I love to find me sexy when I am naked. This is natural to do to attact the opposite sex. Otherwise, we would all go on dates with no makeup wearing sweats. I think this is more than just a weight problem. He knows his wife finds him unattractive in this state (that he wasn't in originally) and doesn't care. At the same time, says he would think she were gross if she got overweight. Its not about weight. Its about repecting yourself and your spouse enough to keep yourself up.

[Guest]

I just have to say I have been somewhat following this thread. I googled the overweight sex thing because I am in a similiar boat. My man is overweight and I am not turned on to him these days. We have other issues too, but I think the fundamental being sexually attracted to your partner has a ripple effect in other areas.

 

We have a 3 year old and she means the world to me. I want to do all I can to make our lives work so she has a happy family with mommy and daddy. But I also don't want to give her the message that sexless relationships peppered with petty fighting are healthy and okay. Of course she's only 3 so she's not picking up on the sex thing, but she probably does pick up on the discontent. Anyway, my man continues to eat chips, ice cream, fried foods and soda, and then stays up late to watch porn movies because he's not getting enough sex. If he would just work to overcome his food addicitons, which is what it is, ADDICTION, then we would have more sex.

 

If my little girl wasn't in the picture, I tell ya, I would not stick it out and try to work it out. I'd be outta here. But because we are a family, I am going to try to help him help himself. And it is for his health! He's going to have a heart attack or get diabetes or something, and where will that leave him and my daughter and me? I know it's hard, dealing with addiction but it is important to all of our lives that he gets a handle on his weight and eating! Sure, it affects our sex life, but it other life altering consequences as well!!!

[Guest]

Having gone through the very same thing with my wife over the last 10 years, it will probably take stern words from his doctor (or possibly an illness or medical crisis) for the message to sink in. I tried every way, subtle and overt, to make her see that at 250 lbs (she weighed 125 at marriage) I just did not find her attractive. Funny, smart, committed, great to be around? Yes. Sexy and attractive? No. It took her doctor asking her recently point blank if she wanted to live to see our 8-year grow up to get her to at least make an effort to change things. We'll see where it goes from here.

 

The good advice others have given you is that you can't want it for him. He has to want it for himself. Good luck...

[almost-an-angel]

Just me piping in again. I didn't mean to sound superior or anything to anyone. Only you know what you are attracted to or not. Some people are more visually stimulated than others. My husbands friends make jokes all the time about how he "got me". And of course, because I am legally blind, you can imagine. That actually hurts my feelings for him. I've been on the receiving end of the fat jokes and what-not. My ex husband was a lazy, sorry good for nothing that belittled me continuously for sixteen years. And of course when I lost weight on my own, it was he who just thought I was the sexiest thing in the world. By then, the knowledge that he didnt' love me for who I was had turned me cold toward him. That's what worries me about your situation. Men are cruel creatures. Do I think my now husband would find me attractive if I gained the weight back? Hard to say. I don't want to find out. Just me. Do I think he would still love me? Oh yeah.. but like most men I'm sure he would comment about it and make suggestions to lose it. Is he overweight? Yep. Unfair? Of course. But, I hold the control of my weight, no one else can do that but me. And I believe that same thing for him. He has the control, not me.

I guess the only advise I can give to you is like other posts. Try to back off just a little. You've said that threats don't work. If you aren't attracted to him, keep it to yourself. If he asks why you don't want sex, instead of saying because you gross me out how about the truth? I think the issue is more that you feel like he doesn't care about you or your needs and your opinions and you feel like he is being selfish by not trying to be everything that he could be for you. Try telling him that. Base it on feelings rather than insults and see what happens.

I do wish you luck.

[ridingthebulls]

So do fat chicks have looser vaginas?

 

 

I've noticed less physically fit women tend to be looser. If they are a couch potato and dont work out any muscles in their body, likely the kegel is going to be sacraficed as well.

[worriedsick]

Not to get too personal, but after some pity sex over the weekend, I think my H got the picture that he needs to do something about his weight. He's been bugging me for days for sex and I kept turning him down, until finally last night I gave in just so he'd shut up for a while. There's nothing more annoying than someone you find pawing at your body when that's the last thing on your mind. Anyway, there were a few points last night that I actually cringed when his big belly touched me (I didn't do it on purpose, it was a reflex or something). I feel bad about the whole thing as he was actually trying really hard to make it enjoyable for me, but the harder he tried, the more pissed off I was that he wouldn't just hurry up and get it over with.

 

The next day he made the statement that he was indeed going to start getting back into shape and went to the gym. I don't know it it'll keep up, but at least he's making somewhat of an attempt, yet again.