I don't know what to title this thread. I'm furious.!

[basscatcher]

Maybe you love this other "alpha friend" more because he continues to elude you. (The one who got away.) And now that you've got Charlie right were you've always wanted him … he now seems like a "wussbag." (???) :confused:

 

See what I mean?

 

I dont' think so--Honestly...

 

My 'alpha friend' has always been there for me since we met. I get the logical intellectual stimulating conversations with him. He is very caring about my mental and emotional health. He is very supportive of me and encourages me to find the right guy for me to build my life with.. It's easy to love him. He makes me laugh, he stimulates my mind like LSr's do, he can calm me down when I am out of control. He is a good man. He is very busy and doesn't have the time to devote to a partner in his life. I have known that since last summer so I settled for the friendship. Believe me if things could be different I would be with him in a flash of a wink of an eye...

 

As for Charlie acting like a 'wussbag'.. In my book--a man who can't verbally open up and communcate properly and has to be sarcastic with rude comments to express his anger instead of expressing why he is angry is not a strong and in control person.. He was attempting to try hurt my feelings and basically hit below the belt (so-to-speak). He was being immature and playing on weakness instead of using his head, communicating with proper skills. He was using weak skills by blaming and pointing fault instead of being responsible for himself and his part in the failure of this situation. He is being weak... (wussbag)... I don't have a problem with a man expressing his feelings I think it is a wonderful strength but I can't help but feel he is doing it now out of desperation.. Not with heartfelt emotional love gestures.

[Becoming]

Good for you, Pada! You are too tolerant and accepting of things you really don't want in your life.

 

So let him go and . . . really let him go. That's all we're saying.

 

Then you can be free to move on.

[tinktronik]

Pada, you wanted Charlie BAD when he was unavailable to you , a mystery for you to solve .But now that hes persuing you your grossed out . WT* ? Get away from this guy , haven't you wasted enough of your own time yet?

[basscatcher]

I am still furious!

 

Why do people take out their hurt and pain on other people?

 

Why is it that a lot of people who have been hurt and abused by previous partners make current partners suffer because of what others did?

 

I see this all over this board.

Men and women who were hurt by the opposite sex punish the next man or woman who comes along thinking that they will hurt them too?

 

Why is it so hard for some to take each person as a individual and not treat others as if 'they' were the one who hurt them?

 

Just because one man/woman hurt you doesn't mean the next one will do the same!

 

No one is perfect and that illusion that there is someone absolutely perfect out there is such a crock of crap.

 

It's so unfair to be the person that another treats poorly because someone else hurt you.

 

There is so much information that is coming out now my head is spinning. I am happy that I have this knowledge now but as it keeps coming it makes me more angry. I really need to process all this and make some solid decisions.

 

Running is what everyone thinks is so easy to do.

 

I have gotten so much advice on this board and I find that most people are very quick to say 'NC'.. I understand is it based on personal opinions and experiences others have had and viewing another persons situation as a 3rd person looking in at the info they have presented. Not all the facts are upfront because it's not always easy to put in words someones facial expressions, tone of voices, physical actions, and remember all the words to put into print.

 

What relationship is without some drama?

What relationship is as easy as putting a hot knife through butter?

what successful relationship has had compromise, conflict, miscommunication, arguments, misunderstandings and unfair behavior?

 

I don't know what I am going to do yet. I know what I don't like and what I won't tolerate. I know what I need and want in a partnership (relationship) with a mate.

 

Is everything we want always upfront in someone automatically? I don't think so.

 

I haven't made any decisions yet about anything. I am processing all the info.

 

Charlie told me--he chose to be distant, slow and not be so giving, affectionate and open with the next woman who came into his life. He said that the last two women he gave everything too hurt him deeply. He told himself that he wouldn't allow another woman to take advantage of him and hurt him so he wasn't going to give everything he gave with them.

 

I told him that he punished me for how they treated him and that wasn't fair to me. He cheated me because of the sins of others. I told him I am not them and he was unfair to me because of what others did to him.

I told him I don't know what he can say or do to make anything right. He has done so much damage to me I don't know if he could correct any of it now.

I know it has a lot to do if I can forgive him for cheating me of what I needed in the relationship to feel fullfilled. He admitted that he was very affectionate with his XW and his XGF and they took advantage of him because he was so vulnerable to them. He said he showered both of them with displays of affection and romance and he didn't want to tell me all this because it would upset me that he gave it to them but he choose not to give it to me out of fear of being hurt again.

 

Why do men/women do this? Why do they put up a wall around themselves and sacrafice needs, wants and desires in one another because of what someone else did to them? It is really immature and unfair..

 

Charlie knew what I needed and even knowing this and knowing how I felt about him he still couldn't find the strength to trust me to not hurt him if he should take his wall down and give me the affection, attention and open communication I craved.

 

He keeps apoligizing over and over and over for making wrong choices. He said he was wrong for making me suffer for his personal issues. He is admitting so much now. I can't even get all of it out of my head and type it. He realized that because of his neglect of the relationship he pushed me away enough that I was pulling away from him and I was in my 'alpha' friends arms for comfort because I was falling apart and loosing myself in dispair. Charlie is now afraid that he will loose me to my friend. That my friend and I will develop more then just a friendship because of this.

If we do it is by our choice. I don't see it happening though. A part of me wishes but I won't let myself even think it is possible because of what I already know from experience. It is safest for me to keep my relationship with my 'alpha' friend as a friend with feelings that can't be nurtured. I have to move on and seek a different relationship that can fullfill me.

 

Charlie wants to NOW be true to me and open himself up. He wants to take down his wall and have the relationship that he damaged in the beginning 7 months. He is asking me to give him another chance and he promises he won't cheat me out of who he is again.

I told him I don't know. I need time to absorb this. He has done a 180* on me and I am struggling with wanting to take that risk of Love or to run fast and work at licking my wounds and healing to be able to move on.

Charlie is being very sincere and he is showing and expressing his feelings for me. He isn't using high emotional drama, he isn't on his knees begging me. He is humble and he is admitting his wrong choices. I have never known him to be like this in the 9 months I have known him. We have spent so much time together and he was always distant. Now he is open and reaching out to me. I am on guard and not very responsive towards him. It's like we have reversed roles. He was scared of me before and now I am scared of him.

 

My mother and best friend tell me to move slowly and let him prove himself over time. If he falls back into his old ways then dump him but to keep myself on guard and self protected until he proves himself either to be genuine now or if its just an act it will come out. I don't have anyone calling me to date right now so I'm free to date him if I choose and keep it casual until I can resolve my own thoughts and feelings.

 

I have treated men in the past unfairly because of what another man did to me. That was before I learned I can't punish another for what someone else did.

 

Its like kicking the cat because the dog crapped on the floor.

 

Its wrong.....

Put the fault where it belongs.. You cant take it out on the next person. It is so wrong...

 

I need time to process. I need space, I need air, I need time.

[Becoming]

Only time will tell if his actions match his words right now.

 

You can give him that time casually and date others as well while you're waiting to see if this 180 is for real.

 

Many will say anything to get what they want only to throw it away when they have it. I see two hunters embroiled in endless drama. If that's what you want, great.

 

But what about the controlling behavior you've seen from him? There are buck naked men waving red flags while doing a belly dance on that issue that bothered you a couple days ago. And now . . . ?

[alphamale]

:lmao:

[basscatcher]

I agree with the red flags. That is why I my head is spinning and I am not dropping my guard..

 

I need time (thanks alpha for the lyrics..).

 

I don't know.. I want to run and I want to stay..

I don't want to be with someone who is willing to do whatever he can to keep what he wants only to fall back into old ways that made me walk in the first place.

 

I don't want a man who is controlling, possessive and unstable.

 

This is why I say I need time.. Time will tell. Time always has a way of revieling the truth.

 

Have none of us ever tried to 'control' a situation that we felt desperate to contain?

[basscatcher]

:lmao:

What happened to your lyrics??? Did you delete them??

[alphamale]

What happened to your lyrics??? Did you delete them??

yep the formatting was all messed up. it was lyrics to the rolling stones song Time Is On My Side.

[basscatcher]

yep the formatting was all messed up. it was lyrics to the rolling stones song Time Is On My Side.

:) that is how i feel but not necessarily that I will go running back. I didn't see the formating being messed up

[beach]

Pada,

 

Just the fact that you placed this thread under the abuse forum tells me that you should let him go.

 

He hasn't been what you are ultimately looking for and won't be able to change enough to make you happy.

 

Find someone who suits your needs a bit more evenly.

 

You will happier in the long run...

[Becoming]

Well, sure, we all try to control things all the time. But there's a line, ya know? Most of us also know where that line is. Most relationship problems are about people trying to control one another, most often subtly. But it doesn't work, causes untold drama that's just a huge waste of time. We want the other to do what we want when we want it. And when they don't, we make 'em pay. Just add strings and we got one dandy puppet show.

 

But really, how many of us like puppet shows? There's something really creepy about them, I think. Muppets are good. At least then someone has their hand up your . . .

 

Anyway, as I was saying, it seems like you're trying to make him something he's not (dunno, not there, etc.) and he's trying to dance when you pull the strings. But that's no good. Cause you want a real boy, not Pinnochio. A real boy who knows who he is and who wants you. A real boy you want as is, not as a some-assembly-required puppet.

 

That's the way I see it anyway. But I'm not there and I'm not you.

[blind_otter]

Why are you giving him more time? So he can piss you off even more, or perhaps act out in some even worse way when he's drunk?

 

I mean honestly. It makes no sense. But I'm not you, so what can I say? I guess I can say, it makes no sense to me.

 

Especially since you've been in abusive relationships before. They never change. They just get worse and worse until they snap and start to smack you around.

[basscatcher]

Why are you giving him more time? So he can piss you off even more,

I need more time for myself to get my head cleared.

 

Especially since you've been in abusive relationships before. They never change. They just get worse and worse until they snap and start to smack you around.

I see this too. This fear.

 

I have to keep my head about myself and believe that just because someone shows signs of being controlling or anger doesn't mean they will cross that line into becoming a batterer.

 

This is like I the phrase I used "kick the cat for the dog crapping on the floor". What Charlie did to me --he didn't give me the love, affection and communication because of the abuse he suffered from the hands of his X's.

 

---------------

My head isn't clear at this time to really debate or rationalize any of what is happening. I am second guessing myself, over rationalizing things and fighting with my desires and reality

I will be on both sides of the fence. One moment I want to run the next I want to take a chance and move slow.

 

I need time...

[alphamale]

I need more time for myself to get my head cleared.

apparently so...

 

...and believe that just because someone shows signs of being controlling or anger doesn't mean they will cross that line into becoming a batterer.

um, they usually do, sooner or later.

 

I need time...

Time is on my side, yes it is

Time is on my side, yes it is

 

Now you always say

That you want to be free

But you'll come running back (said you would baby)

You'll come running back (I said so many times before)

You'll come running back to me

-The Rolling Stones (1965)

[CrushedOrgans]

you're not allowed to say this because it offends people, but it's still true, so i'll say it.

 

some people thrive on drama and need it in their lives, so they create it and/or they cling to present dramatic situations to maintain it.

 

they will be the first to claim they live a drama-free lifestyle, and it's so false. even the way they deliver their anti-drama status is in a dramatic fashion.

 

this post and some of the dozens before about the same thing from the same person, proves it.

 

i am like that too sometimes, i think everyone is. but usually, people get dramatic over things that really matter in life.

 

also, a lot of people who think they are too nice and caring are actually just spineless. and people saying "you're too nice and too caring" is not a compliment. it's sugarcoating this: "you're pathetic."

[alphamale]

some people thrive on drama and need it in their lives, so they create it and/or they cling to present dramatic situations to maintain it.

 

they will be the first to claim they live a drama-free lifestyle, and it's so false. even the way they deliver their anti-drama status is in a dramatic fashion.

I agree CO....I've dated women like this in the past and I believe that PADA fits the mold perfectly. Hate to say it, but its true.

[superconductor]

I need more time for myself to get my head cleared...<snip> I need time...

No you don't.

 

You need NC. But you won't, because you've deluded yourself that somehow you're "not like that" or that "he'll hate me and I don't want that" or "I don't want to hurt him" or "I need to have the last word" or "I need to get my head straight before I tell him that we're through" or similar nonsense.

 

My original advice stands: Get a grip and go NC.

[basscatcher]

I believe I live a realitively low drama life.

I do admit there is a lot of it around me from other people.

 

I have lived in the heart of high drama and escaped it several times.

I don't like extreme drama. It wears and tears on you till you can't function.

 

---------------

superconductor-- I respect your advice and reasoning.

 

I don't want to go NC. I don't feel it is necessary at this time.

[tinktronik]

I believe I live a realitively low drama life.

I do admit there is a lot of it around me from other people.

 

I have lived in the heart of high drama and escaped it several times.

I don't like extreme drama. It wears and tears on you till you can't function.

 

---------------

superconductor-- I respect your advice and reasoning.

 

I don't want to go NC. I don't feel it is necessary at this time.

Pada, where do you think people get the drama from , either you draw in the drama from other people , or you cause the drama from them. Which is it ? You don't want or feel its nessecary to do NC? Dosen't everyone feel that way ?

[superconductor]

OK, OP, everyone else is wrong and you're right. Nobody else has ever had any relationship go like this, so everyone else's experience is irrelevant.

 

Must be nice to be omnipotent.

 

</sarcasm>

[a4a]

Pada, where do you think people get the drama from , either you draw in the drama from other people , or you cause the drama from them. Which is it ? You don't want or feel its nessecary to do NC? Dosen't everyone feel that way ?

 

 

If you do not want drama and you are not the cause of it you need to get off the radar screen of the one causing it ASAP.

 

Pada..... I am not being mean. But don't you find this sudden interest and manly protective strong attentive action from Charlie kinda exciting?

[blind_otter]

 

This is like I the phrase I used "kick the cat for the dog crapping on the floor". What Charlie did to me --he didn't give me the love, affection and communication because of the abuse he suffered from the hands of his X's.

 

That is a sad excuse for being controlling. And it's not a valid excuse. I know tons of people who were abused, sometimes horrifically, who work to help themselves before inflicting themselves on another person in a relationship. Everyone has been hurt. Everyone. Some to a higher degree than others. But being hurt does NOT give you an excuse to be this way. It gives you an excuse to become BETTER. Period.

 

I need time...

 

The longer you waste time giving the benefit of the doubt to people like Charlie, the more you consign yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness. You said you wanted to be married again. To have a partner who will walk with you through life. He already proved that he was not that person.

 

And you delay finding a person who would appropriately fill that role, by hanging on.

 

Ex's are ex's for a reason.

[alphamale]

If you do not want drama and you are not the cause of it you need to get off the radar screen of the one causing it ASAP.

my experience has been that those who say they are the most against drama are the same ones engulfed in drama...

 

Pada..... I am not being mean.

yes you are

[a4a]

my experience has been that those who say they are the most against drama are the same ones engulfed in drama...

 

 

 

 

I agree.... but on the very rare occassion a bunny boiler will get you by the nads.

 

Now in Charlies defense..... yeah he has issues but Pada you keep leading him on.