I don't know what to title this thread. I'm furious.!

[basscatcher]

I had a very hard 2 days and its not ending.

I do know what I must do..

I need the strength to break my co-dependant nature again...

 

I am living a lie. I am reaching for a dream that isn't real.

I got upset with him because he lied to me and then he turns around and wants to turn around and attack me for something I did when we weren't exclusive.

All the signs are there that he and I will not have a balanced healthy relationship if I took him back.

I do know this.

 

The path most known for me is denial because I want the fairy-tale dream.

He is attempting to paint a perfect picture for me right now.

That picture is tempting as hell because it is what I want.

Yet I can't dismiss the past and that is where I am struggling.

The past has given me the foundation and the illusion he is baiting me with is tempting me to get off that foundation and loose my footing.

 

I had a very rashional and logical conversation on the phone last night with a friend and it wasn't easy to hear the truth slammed in my face..

 

I was told lthat I am a spoiled rotten, selfish little biatch.

I keep running after a dream that is placed in front of me that isn't reality.

The facts prove its a painted illusion.

 

I'm living a lie and I've always ran after the lies.

 

 

This is so frickin hard to deal with.. It's not so much about Charlie---Its about me and my persuit after what isn't real.

 

I was faced with the fact that I need to learn to love myself last night..

I am so afraid that no man can truly love me so I go chasing after the illusion and make excuses for the abuse that happens..

 

This is so hard for me.. I am very emotional today and vulnerable. I don't want to be flamed on this board today. I can't take it..

I had enough reality tossed in my face last night not only by someone whom I trust and respect but from myself also..

 

Charlie had asked Tyler and I to go to the cabin with him and his children this weekend. I was seriously pondering it but after much thought it's another painted picture of the dream I desire.. He hadn't been able to give me this for the 7 months and now he all of a sudden wants too.

I remember all the weekends he went up there with his children and never asked us to join them... He would call from up there and boast about how much fun they were having. I know how hurt I felt, how neglected and left out. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him to want me with him when he fully knew I was sitting home with nothing to do but run to a dance club at night and sleep all day. (what a life!? {sarcasm})

 

Now when he knows he has lost me he wants to create the perfect picture to lure me back in..

There is a battle brewing ahead.. NC looks like a great option to come.

He will call tonight and I am telling him that we are not going with him to the cabin this weekend and I need to cut off contact with him.

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, Pada. Weirdly enough I was talking to my GF last night about a similar situation. She dated her neighbor, and he turned out to be a lot like Charlie but less confrontational.

 

I see how this upsets you, and you have been having a rough time lately. Make sure to get some you time and hang out with your GFs, maybe see a movie or do something physical to get this excess energy out. I hope you feel better soon.

[superconductor]

Sounds like you're finally coming to your senses. Be strong. The call when you tell him that you're (finally!) going NC with him should last no longer than 5 minutes. Any longer than that and you run the risk of reverting back to where you were a week or so ago.

 

So you've burned over a week's worth of daylight. For what? To finally come to the same conclusion that your friends here on LS were telling you all along?

 

OP, we're all here to help. Use the benefit of our collective experience.

[basscatcher]

I see how this upsets you, and you have been having a rough time lately. Make sure to get some you time and hang out with your GFs, maybe see a movie or do something physical to get this excess energy out. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Reality is I need to STOP doing things. Thats what is keeping me from reality. I get myself busy so I don't have to stop long enough to see the truth fully and accept it.

I need down time and to be ALONE-away from all people...

My gf's and I are similiar and hanging out with them will only reinforce my habits..

 

I need to be in solitude, quiet spaces and places.. I need to relax, pick up one of my books and read. sort out my beliefs, values, wants and needs.

[basscatcher]

Sounds like you're finally coming to your senses. Be strong. The call when you tell him that you're (finally!) going NC with him should last no longer than 5 minutes. Any longer than that and you run the risk of reverting back to where you were a week or so ago.

 

So you've burned over a week's worth of daylight. For what? To finally come to the same conclusion that your friends here on LS were telling you all along?

 

OP, we're all here to help. Use the benefit of our collective experience.

 

 

You must be a guy? Your manner in your posts seep of it.. Direct, Sharply cut.

 

I fight not to go in over reactive mode with your comments because one of my major past behaviors is to be severly reactive and defensive.

 

I don't handle direct point blank criticism, or confrontation very well without much forwarning it's coming.

[Outcast]

Pada was cautioned long ago that this Charlie dude was sending up red flags. It is my suspicion that she wants 'someone' so badly that she accepts too much BS from guys just to have a 'someone' around.

[superconductor]

You must be a guy? Your manner in your posts seep of it.. Direct, Sharply cut.

 

I fight not to go in over reactive mode with your comments because one of my major past behaviors is to be severly reactive and defensive.

 

I don't handle direct point blank criticism, or confrontation very well without much forwarning it's coming.

It's just my nature, and I won't apologize for it.

 

Yes, I'm a male.

 

OP, I'm not saying anything different from anyone else. The LS chorus is singing in unison on this one: NC is the ONLY viable alternative. Why you choose to disregard everybody else's experience is a bit of a mystery. Of course, that's your right; advice boards like this are a buffet, you take from them what you wish and leave the rest.

 

But we can't ALL be wrong.

[hotgurl]

Pada was cautioned long ago that this Charlie dude was sending up red flags. It is my suspicion that she wants 'someone' so badly that she accepts too much BS from guys just to have a 'someone' around.

 

 

 

Completly agree with this 110%. Also in my expereince women who want a man too take care of them and be manly and strong etc... usually end up having very crappy relationships.

 

Be by yourself. charile and Alpha male will never be what you want them to be. they are themselves and not what you need. I would suggest cutting ties with both of them and focus on you take six month hiatis from dating and men.

[basscatcher]

. It is my suspicion that she wants 'someone' so badly that she accepts too much BS from guys just to have a 'someone' around.

 

There is a grain of truth to this. I like having someone in my life. I am relationship geared.

I accept too much BS from men because I endured it my whole life with a assh*le father. I know now that I was conditioned to be treated like crap by men because that is what I was taught to be normal. I also witnessed it.

I know this is wrong now. This is an area in which I struggle working on myself. It is hard to change what you were taught to accept this since birth. It is very very very hard!!!....

 

I have come a LONG way from where I was. I know I still accept to much BS and I do recognize it--it is NOT a change that will happen easily or overnight..

 

I can be alone. I have been alone supporting myself and my son for 9 years..... I am self sufficient and able to even take care of another person alone.... I can survive alone... Even with this I still like to have someone in my life. I love to be held, touched, I love to hear a mans voice in my ears. I love being around men. I love their nature.

 

I have said this before I feel the need to be alone. I need time for myself. If I had a steady man in my life I want space from him right now. I don't want to be smothered. I need to breath for the first time in my life..

 

I still struggle with love addiction, co-dependentcy, numbness and blindness of/from abuse and I'm sure other things. It is going to be a life long process of battleing these issues. Most people don't recognize how far I have come on these things.

 

Just as an alcoholic or a drug addict has temptations I too have them.. It's the battle and setting good healthy habits and thinking in place and enforcing them.

 

 

SUPERCONDUCTOR--I wouldnt ask you to apoligize for being the way you are. There are women on this forum that are direct in nature also and I have been reactive to them also. I am hyper sensitive when being told I am wrong.

 

I have been told I am wrong my whole life from people who were suppose to support me, love me, guide me and encourage me--instead I was constantly put down, degraded, abused, humiliated and neglected. My being has been stripped from me since I was a child and I fight to have worth, value, acceptance and be correct.

 

For someone like me to accept the truth is a process. Just because we see what is truth we have to come to believe it before we accept it.

 

Yesterday I was so lost, messed up, confused, I couldn't get my thoughts in any kind of order. Then last night talking with a friend I was able to get help to sort out reality and illusion, facts and fiction.

What was said that triggered my spin down was this:

 

'You are blaming and saying he lied, he lied, he lied; You are the one who lied. You are living a lie therefore you will be lied too."

[a4a]

Pada it looks like you are actually facing yourself and making some progress.

 

Now remember I told you that you keep looking for the white knight to show up..... he does not exist.

 

Now face another reality..... this is a harsh one........ you may never be content with any man in your life. You won't be until you are content with yourself.

 

You need to drop your baggage..... that was then, this is freaking NOW.

Stop living in the past so damn much. Take the lessons you learned but other than that start living now. Not a damn thing you can do to change your daddy, your ex, or your past life..... but you can change your current life and plan your future.

[basscatcher]

Pada it looks like you are actually facing yourself and making some progress.

 

Now remember I told you that you keep looking for the white knight to show up..... he does not exist.

 

Now face another reality..... this is a harsh one........ you may never be content with any man in your life. You won't be until you are content with yourself.

 

You need to drop your baggage..... that was then, this is freaking NOW.

Stop living in the past so damn much. Take the lessons you learned but other than that start living now. Not a damn thing you can do to change your daddy, your ex, or your past life..... but you can change your current life and plan your future.

 

 

I know.

 

I only bring up the past to show myself and others that I know how I became what I was and am working like hell to get out of..

 

I am PMSing now too so everything is in super high-hyper sensitivity...

I know I shouldn't act on anything when I am in this way but maybe with this situation I should use PMS to my advantage?.... Instead of holding back (like I always do) my feelings, thoughts, and impulses--I should just let them come out full boar so I can get this over with and get the ball rolling into NC...

 

 

I am craving encouragement and reality check pep talks... My nerves and brain are making me so irritable.

[blind_otter]

You can do it! I believe in you.

 

But let me say this, with Charlie I'm thinking you could let him have it with guns blazing and he would, most likely, tune you out. Certain types of men learn how to deal with female anger in this way.

 

The best way is to tell them, not invite conversation or replies. Tell him that you need to stop talking to him and you need to focus on you and your life, and that is that. No reply. No conversation. He'll use your verbosity against you otherwise.

[alphamale]

He'll use your verbosity against you otherwise.

Agreed...PADA has never been one of few words

[basscatcher]

Agreed...PADA has never been one of few words

:p Right! How do I keep myself from over kill.. I am very explainitory..

 

 

I know all this will possibly go down tonight... I know he will call tonight to continue his pursuation to go up to the cabin with him and his children.

[alphamale]

.. I know he will call tonight to continue his pursuation to go up to the cabin with him and his children.

kcuf that! come stay wit me instead baby

[Becoming]

I'm sorry you hurt, Pada. I've been there--not too long ago, in fact.

 

You have come a long way. You've got to keep in mind that what seems normal to you isn't. Your idea of drama may be people yelling, storming off, waving guns around, hitting. That's most people's idea of when things are totally out of control.

 

OK, you might want to reach for the hanky or just skip this to read later. But you know there is no one coming for you. There is no Prince Charming. And if there were, he'd feel so foreign to us that we couldn't stand it. We'd run or tear him down or both. But there are good guys out there--just no perfect ones. So it comes down to what you can and cannot tolerate and what it is you want in your life.

 

There's a part of me that's saying, "What? She finally gets what she wants--to be included in the cabin circle of fun and intimacy--and she's gonna say no?" But I don't know. It just seems like he's not what you want him to be. Are your expectations too high? Methinks they may be too low because years of abuse have told you that that's all you deserve. And you've bought all those messages until now you're abusing yourself in very subtle ways. I say this with no judgment, only as a fellow sufferer.

 

People do change; this I know. But it's hard, and most people aren't able to change to the degree that we may want, so don't ever expect it. Love is an "as is" kinda deal where there is no Tiffanys--just Cost Co and Big Lots and yard sales. You can still find some good stuff; it will just never be perfect.

 

So the question is: Is C. who you want in your life? Do you love him for who he is or for the illusion that he'll be the one to save you from yourself? He can't even if he were your dream guy. I think sometimes we settle for people who actually want us, which is unbelievable to us at some level, without ever asking the most important question: Do I want him--as is?

 

This is harder for you than for most folks because of the baggage that you think you're just somehow gonna work through and leave somewhere someday. But you aren't. It'll always be with you and something you struggle to carry. Therapy can help you unload some things in all the bags, repack and get rid of some luggage, but this baggage is just always going to be with you and something you have to consciously work to confront in nearly everything you do, which is just damn exhausting! With time and effort, though, you'll learn to just accept this about yourself without using it as an excuse to expect that the world and others give you the good stuff you didn't get because it owes you.

 

With this recognition comes a lot of mourning. But less panic about finding what it is you think you need because it's already there in you accepting who you are without shame or blame because you are beautiful as is, as a stunning creature created in the image of the Divine.

 

You need a person who can understand this about you and accept it and want to help you, but not rescue you from it (which is what that abused little girl in us really wants). Well, like the song says, "You don't always get what ya want. But if ya try real hard, ya just might get what ya need."

 

Good for you for looking at reality. Really looking. It's hard to do that and live consciously. You're going to do fine, though, because you are fine. You can trust yourself--not C or Alpha or any of us taking shots in the dark on LS. Because it'll all work out, you Divine Creature, you! And you're not alone. You have you and God and friends and your son and all the normal crazies on LS. And you are fabulous. But you have years of contrary messages to overcome in order to embrace this truth, so don't expect overnight miracles of understanding and sanity to suddenly descend upon you. That, too, is a fairy tale.

 

Can your brokenness accept C's brokenness without breaking you further, or is his presence in your life healing? Trust your spirit wisdom, not your emotions and hormones and little girl ache to be loved just exactly the way your little girl wants and dreams about with the fairy tale ending. You'll only be disappointed if you keep believing the fairy tale lies and end up trapping yourself over and over again until you choose with your spirit in accord with a deeper and higher wisdom for what is truly good for you.

 

Sorry for the tome. But thanks for the opportunity to speak to myself while writing to you!

[basscatcher]

kcuf that! come stay wit me instead baby

 

 

Out of the frying pan and into the fire!!

 

I need a quiet cave to walk in set up with creature comforts to get away from everyone.

[basscatcher]

Becoming----I'm sitting her with tears in my eyes and a frog sticking in my throat because of your words. What you have said is almost verbatim of what my "Alpha" friend told me last night...

 

I will refer to him now as TCK for the simple fact there have been a few people who have mistaken him for LS's AlphaMale. He is not him... I only referred to him as my Alpha Male friend (or similar titles) because he is a alpha male guy with strong beliefs in male and female roles in life. He is what is deemed a retro sexual male..

 

You said:

You need a person who can understand this about you and accept it and want to help you, but not rescue you from it (which is what that abused little girl in us really wants). Well, like the song says, "You don't always get what ya want. But if ya try real hard, ya just might get what ya need."

 

This is who he is too me.. He told me last night that he will not fill me up with a illusion or give me a fairy-tale to dream about him and I. He said he won't rescue me.

 

He said he will give me a brick here and there to help me stand on and get me started in building myself but he wont do the work for me. He said I have taken some of those bricks and broken them and ruined my foundation by not building on it. I have fallen back into old blueprints that are not structurally solid and lasting..

 

Many persons in LS have said to get him out of my life.. I can't. I tried to push him out last summer and I couldn't. I wanted to push him out because the truth he spoke I didn't want to hear.. What he has said rings in my head because I know he speaks the truth.

He cares about me enough to step in when needed and step back to let me grow. He is intuitive with me.

 

Yes he and I have a strong attraction and desire towards one another but we contain that as much as humanly possible. I am not balanced or healthy enough for him to get involved with on a deeper level..

I ran from him last summer because he wouldn't give me what I wanted.

 

He is the reason why I've realized a lot of things about myself and LS has reaffirmed what he has said to me over and over again.

 

If someone who knows me well,---- and others who don't know me personally in real life (LSr's),---- are saying similar and the same things, ----then I can't deny them any more and I have to look at myself.

 

 

 

Becoming--every time you post to me I feel like you are living inside of me. You know exactly what I am going through and need. You say the right things to help me straighten up my backbone. Your words are very much appreciated..

[superconductor]

Can your brokenness accept C's brokenness without breaking you further, or is his presence in your life healing?

 

This is probably the wisest question I have ever seen regarding relationships.

 

Brilliant, Becoming. Truly brilliant. Hats off to you.

 

OP, this is true wisdom. Learn well.

[basscatcher]

Can your brokenness accept C's brokenness without breaking you further, or is his presence in your life healing?

 

This is probably the wisest question I have ever seen regarding relationships.

 

Brilliant, Becoming. Truly brilliant. Hats off to you.

 

OP, this is true wisdom. Learn well.

 

This is why I have been in so much turmoil..

The old old me would have ignored his little tyrants of abuse and given him another chance only to end up broken up after so many more occurences of wrong treatment, possible more serious abuse, infidelity, and damage to one another.

 

I have been teetering on the line of old self and taking a new direction.

This is a stepping stone for me and I know it. This is the internal battle that I have been fighting with for the past few weeks. Ever since he told me he loved me (something I longed to hear months earlier) I spun around and looked at him with the fairy-tale taunting me to step into the dream world and leave my reality.

Thats like handing a early recovering coke addict a freebie when they are in pain off and on and living in the middle of aftershocks from the earthquake.. It is hard to resist.

His presence in my life is not healing!!! I said this in previous threads I posted but didn't want to make a choice to change my direction even knowing he isn't good for me.

[basscatcher]

Ever since he told me he loved me (something I longed to hear months earlier)

 

TCK and I talked about this too.

 

My greatest fear is that no man will ever truly love me..

 

I feel inadequate and rejected.

 

He told me I needed to love myself enough and more then anything. He said if I love myself enough and more I won't need to have a man love me to gain approval and acceptance.

 

All the rejection I received from men in my life (my dad rejected me at my conception) has damaged me to where I took a wrong direction to go seek approval, acceptance, and love (actually, its been false love or surface love not lasting love).

 

It's weird when we know all this logic but don't connect with ourselves until we are forced too or someone does it for us to see the reality of it all.

[Becoming]

Aw, shucks, hon. I have lived it. I struggle with the same things every day.

You can't let that little girl run the show. She's not old enough to tell fantasy from real life.

 

It's really hard to come to the awareness you're coming to. And you're handling it beautifully.

[basscatcher]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94711/

 

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