What are the chances of us getting back together?

[DivaAlec]

Hi! I have been seeing this wonderful guy for about four and a half months. When we first met, we clicked instantly. We talked for hours and we spent a lot of time together. The connection was amazing! We made a point of showing everyone else that we were together, but we were not "boyfriend and girlfriend". After about a month of seeing eachother we starting sleeping together. Everything was going great. One night I asked him if we were an "official" couple. He said that he didn't want a serious relationship because he was leaving in a few months and he didn't want to get too attached. He said we were an item and together, we wouldn't be seeing anyone else, we just wouldn't have the title. I was fine with that. Here's the thing. He is moving about 5 hours south of where i live so he didn't want to get too close to me. Things were great. About a month ago, he took me on a week long vacation to Disneyland. We had a blast. While we were there, he told me that he was starting to fall in love with me and that was scaring him. He didn't want to get too attached and then have to leave me. We talked a little bit about the long distance thing, and we decided that we would figure it out when we got to that point. A few weeks after we got back, he called me and I ended up telling him that I was in love with him and that I really thought we had something special. I told him I was willing to go and visit him every other weekend, and offered to let him stay at my place if he ever wanted to visit me. He told me he would think about what I said. A few days later, he told me that he wasn't in love with me, but he liked me a lot. He said that he didn't think a long distance thing would work because he wouldn't get to see me enough. We decided we would stay together until he left. A week later we talked more about it, and he told me that if he wasn't leaving he would be in love with me and we would still be together. He said that the thing holding him back was the fact that he was leaving. He told me he still wants to be friends, because he really cares about me, and that he wants me to go visit him whenever I can. So do you think that there's a chance after he gets settled he may want to give it a try? Do you think that if I go down there and see him he may decide that he made a mistake? What are the chances of us getting back together?

[daphne]

Sigh. I wonder if we have the same ex Diva.

 

First of all, he didn't tell you the truth before he slept with you did he? ANd you still agreed to just go with teh flow with no hope for a future? There's a reason he didn't "fall in love" with you. You were an anti-challenge.

 

My ex did the same thing. However, when he came clean I bolted. He came back around with roses promising that if I changed my mind, it would influence whether he left or not. It did, but he didn't outline that it was for a few more months. He starts holding back, admitted that he was still thinking about leaving. I break up again.

 

Third time he starts coming back around. He chases me even though I had started seeing a new guy. A month passes and he's still chasing. We hug. He tells me he's leaving in a couple of months. Rinse and repeat. I told him off and I haven't seen him since.

 

We're in the same boat, you and I. But I think you need to stop being so available to this guy. He's making a choice to leave and he's not changing his mind. Don't do the sex and the city thing and offer to go visit or stay with him. This doesn't work. It pushes them away while helping you out of your dignity.

 

Whatever he says about falling in love with you if he stayed is just stringing you along. You are a comfort to him. He's moving away and needs comfort because he probably won't know anyone. He is using you. My ex tried to remain "friends" too. I told him to bug off. Let him use someone else.

 

If you continue to be comforting to him, he won't come back. I personally don't want my ex back, but I can say with certainty that my ex will be back. The more I reject him, the more he thinks about me. People are goofy that way.

 

I don't think your chances are good, especially if you keep allowing him to run teh show. There's a book you might like "why men love bitches". You'll be surprised when you see the things that you're doing to contribute to him taking you for granted.

 

Sorry if this is tough love, but I hate to see you get hurt with your eyes shut.

[norajane]

No, Diva, I don't think this will work. He will accept you coming to have sex with him, and he will continue to tell you he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he will be having sex with other women.

 

You are offering a no-strings, no-commitment, no-boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with FREE SEX whenever you come down to see him. Why wouldn't a guy accept that? The question is, why did you offer that? He will not fall in love with you.

 

You will get hurt if you go down to see him, if you continue to think about him, and if you allow this to prevent you from going out with other guys who might actually want to call you his girlfriend, who would be proud to tell everyone that you are his girlfriend, and who could fall in love with you.

[Guest]

No, Diva, I don't think this will work. He will accept you coming to have sex with him, and he will continue to tell you he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he will be having sex with other women.

 

You are offering a no-strings, no-commitment, no-boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with FREE SEX whenever you come down to see him. Why wouldn't a guy accept that? The question is, why did you offer that? He will not fall in love with you.

 

You will get hurt if you go down to see him, if you continue to think about him, and if you allow this to prevent you from going out with other guys who might actually want to call you his girlfriend, who would be proud to tell everyone that you are his girlfriend, and who could fall in love with you.

 

I agree 100%. My ex did this to me. However, like daphne I eventually smartened up and decided that if he was not willing to make a real committment to me without excuses, then I was not willing to waste any more time with him. I will not tell you that letting go of this relationship will be easy. Once your emotions and heart gets involved it is very hard to let go even if its not a healthy relationship.

 

For a while I was depressed and it was difficult for me. However, in the end, I feel that since I told him to hit the road, I have never felt better about myself. I feel a since of self respect and empowerment and I see my Value as someone who deserves to be loved and cherished. Meantime, he has been texting me, calling me and trying to see me but I am holding my ground.

 

Theres nothing worse then the empty, feeling that eats away at your soul when you allow someone who doesn't see your value to use you and to take your for granted which is what my ex was doing. This is not to bash all men because there are some really good ones out there who are looking for a committed relationship and that is where you should focus your energies. Good Luck Dear!

[Mollyanna]

There's a book you might like "why men love bitches". You'll be surprised when you see the things that you're doing to contribute to him taking you for granted.

 

I have that book! I am the nice girl, the one the guys walk all over. I just can't seem to be that bitch. And my relationships never work out either! My ex wants the friends w/benefits thing too. I was almost thinking of doing it. So glad I read this string of posts. You reminded me of my dignity. When I get back home, I am going to pull that book out again instead of going over to see him!

[DivaAlec]

Thanks girls, you really did help. I am not planning on going down there to see him, the more I think about it the more I know I have to totally be strong and show him that I don't need him. What if I don't see him, I mean, I just want to know if it's too late for him to come back to me. Is it too far gone, or if I keep my cool and just move on do you think he could come back? We actually didn't start having sex right away when we got together. I know though, it doesn't really make a difference. I just feel like we had a very special relationship. I found something out about him, about a month before I met him, he got out of a 2 year relationship. There was distance involved, and he told me that was one of the reasons he didn't think it would work. So maybe he just needs some down time. Some HIM time, ya know? I mean the relationship we had was very intense so maybe he is not ready for a big commitment. I know he got hurt a lot in that relationship and that is something he is afraid of. Am I making more excuses... uh I just don't know what to think! Please help me! THANKS!!

[norajane]

Wow, you sure are making a lot of excuses for a guy who has said he doesn't want you as his girlfriend.

 

Seriously, you were never his girlfriend in his mind, so 'coming back' to you isn't even part of the equation. Don't let yourself be used for sex while he does whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases for as long as he pleases.

[daphne]

So much to respond to in this post where to begin.

 

Molly, get the newer version why men marry bitches. It's even better than the first in my opinion. I used to be the nice girl that totally got screwed over until I got so pissed that I walked away. I learned that when you walk away, they almost always follow. But then I had to learn to stop being too nice during the relationship so I don't have to walk away. You have to learn to treat guys you like the same as guys you don't. They have to hold your own and run the show so to speak or guys won't respect you.

 

As for Guest's post:

 

For a while I was depressed and it was difficult for me. However, in the end, I feel that since I told him to hit the road, I have never felt better about myself. I feel a since of self respect and empowerment and I see my Value as someone who deserves to be loved and cherished. Meantime, he has been texting me, calling me and trying to see me but I am holding my ground.

 

Theres nothing worse then the empty, feeling that eats away at your soul when you allow someone who doesn't see your value to use you and to take your for granted which is what my ex was doing. This is not to bash all men because there are some really good ones out there who are looking for a committed relationship and that is where you should focus your energies.

 

This is really important for diva and molly. I can promise you that when you tell a guy you're out and you don't listen to his lies or excuses anymore and you realize taht YOU are the prize, there is no better feeling. You'll still hurt but the hurt is nothing compared to feeling of no one realizing your worth. At least you'll realize it and that's really all that counts. No one respects a person who doesn't respect themselves.

 

and Diva,

 

Nora's right on point. Are you a hippy? Cos only hippies sign up for that free love doormat crap.

[DivaAlec]

thanks guys. it's just so hard because I love him to death. I am not contacting him and if he sends me a message or something I don't think I am going to answer it. I need to make myself unavailable to him. Completely...

[norajane]

Good for you! Keep posting if you start to weaken...we'll help you get through this.

[DivaAlec]

Thanks norajane. That really means a lot to me. This is so hard. I just can't imagine not seeing him like I used to. I really need all the support I can get to get through this!!! So all your help is appriciated!

[Mollyanna]

Thanks norajane. That really means a lot to me. This is so hard. I just can't imagine not seeing him like I used to. I really need all the support I can get to get through this!!! So all your help is appriciated!

 

If this helps at all, I remember being that way a year ago over a guy. Never thought I would ever get through a day happy without him. I cried and cried and cried and then suddenly one day, I got busy in a project and realized I hadn't thought about him for hours. And one morning I woke up relieved and less anxious because there was no more drama. And somewhere along the way, I lost the urge to email him or call him. We haven't spoken now in many many months. But I thought I was going to die if he wasn't in my life! How can that be? I told everyone I surely would never be happy again. I had suicidal thoughts over that man. But eventually I let him go.

 

I am saying this because you have to remember how you felt about previous relationships and realize you are a lot stronger than you feel right now. You will make it through. other people telling you that doesn't help. So look at your past experiences with pain and learn from them. They are the proof that you can survive this and be happy once again.