Short Marriage: DOA?

[Guest]

Well,

I didn't think I would be writing this, but I don't seem to be able to find the answers that I am seeking. Seems that more answers I find, the more questions I have. Here's my story.

Met the perfect girl in 2004 on a personals site. Before you go on the defensive about online dating, she lived less than a mile from me. From there things were great, spent alot of time together, talked, had a lot of fun. She knew when she met me I was on the "wild" side when it came to my drinking. I was not out of control but I enjoyed a few more beers than I should.

Anyways, 3 months later, we decided to move intogether because both our leases were up and we spent so much time together anyways. I knew alot about her, her past and her parents. Her wants, needs, her job, all the typical stuff. At that point, things were great. Sure, we argued a little but never anything to speak of. I kept my drinking at home, not going out too much, and trying to spend as little as possible and still stay partied out on the weekend. All this time, things were awesome. We were always together, when we wern't we were calling each other and such. All the gooey stuff that goes along with new couples.

As time went on, I saw little changes. Nothing major, I just figured it was normal couple stuff. We argued more, but again nothing really major.

I went the traditional route and asked her father for her hand in marriage. Th We set a date and the planning started. The wedding was the keystone of everything that was done or talked about. This is where I think things headed south, in my opnion. We didn't concentrate on the relationship, although I tried she would usually get defensive and mean. That would lead to me going and getting plastered in my garage. But again, things were always better in the morning. The sex life was still pretty good, and we still got along famously. My Family adored her and I thought this was the one true love for me.

Fast foward to 06. Everything was still going pretty good. I was drinking more, but still doing it only on the weekends, with a weekday bender thrown in for variety. I was not always drunk, nor did I need to be. I was still a caring, loving fiance that made sure that she came first. I never had any money because I would pay my bills, buy smokes, and buy whatever else I wanted. This was never an issue because we both had good jobs, and would usually just vegitate when we got home from work. I didn't do laundry because "I did it the wrong way", I clouldn't clean the house because it was wrong, and forget about cooking. Everything I did or said was wrong. Even the sex became on her schedule, when she felt like it and only long enough to satisfy her, regardless if I was fulfilled.

She would call me if she was going to be late, let me know where she was going, not because she wanted to but it was what I liked. I felt safer knowing that she was ok and where she was. I didn't expect her to be on a schedule, but liked to know where she was. I didn't see that as such a bad thing.

We got married, had a beautiful ceremony in a church. She was stunning, and most breathtaking. I actually cried when she came down the isle. Here was this beautiful woman that had seen the worst of me and was still willing to marry me. I thought that was what was meant for me. The reception went great, I only had two drinks the entire night, plus a beer at the bar while she was visiting her family for a little bit. Wedding nite was great, needless to say. We went to bed early because we had to drive 18 hours to get to our honeymoon destination. She drove for two hours and I drove for 17(got a little lost). The honeymoon was decent at best. Some days she was distant, some days she was really happy. I attested that to the reality of the whole thing setting in. Yes, I got drunk there too(Seeing the pattern yet)but only one night. I have never raised my hand in anger to her, despite being drunk and being pushed over chairs, tables, etc the entire time that I was with her.

She definitly had anger issues and couldn't control herself when she was mad sometimes. Scared me, but me being as naive as I was, I thought that was how women were, to hear all the other married couples talk; I thought we were perfectly normal. She doesn't drink much, if at all.

The next two months (May and June) were pretty decent. I had kinda decided that I had an alcohol problem and wanted to quit, I just wasn't ready yet. I was close to quitting, but didn't realize how soon. All this time we were getting along ok, the same things but nothing really different going on. I had began to drink a little more, but still doing it mainly on the weekends. I had a really bad episode at my brothers wedding, staying drunk the entire weekend, that's the kind of wedding this was however. There was not much said about it, I think she was starting to plan her out at this point. Through the advice of very close realitives of her(I am trying to keep this general), she was making decisions about where our money was to be spent, me never knowing where it was. Only after she left did I find over $400.00 in transfers from our savings acct to her private savings acct.

Anyways, fast foward 2 months and I got particullary ripped on a Monday night and things were said between both of us and she took off for the night, even though I begged her not to go. The next day she told me that she was thinking about leaving and that we needed marriage counsling. I agreed and we went and saw someone who told me that I had an alcohol problem. I agreed and said that I would seek help. I thought this would be at least a starting point. During the rest of the week, she slept on the couch, because she felt "uncomfortable" sleeping next to me, even though I have never given a reason for that. Sure I got drunk, but I am a silly drunk, not getting violent or the sort. Anyways, every time I tried to talk about things, she would clam up and not wanting to talk about it. I poured my heart out to her , breaking down in tears, realizing that I was not getting through her. I had written an e-mail to her mom apologizing and asking forgiveness and got a nasty curt response, which I guess I desrved. Anyways , this is when things actually starting changing for the worse I had quit drinking, started to try and clean the house and generally trying to show an interest in her life and activities. Some will say too little too late, but it took something this catastrophic to change my out look. She started to take off for 4-5 hours here and there, all weekend, stopped saying I love you and the sort. My curisosity got the best of me and a few days went buy before I asked her if she had found someone else. Keep in mind that she had said that she was moving out for a while to get her head straight and that there was nothing about her that she needed to be changed. She called me and told me she was leaving and that the marriage was over, just like that.

 

I haven't heard from her in a month and a half, she has for all intents and purposes abandoned me and has gotten pretty nasty about all these things, threating to sue me for support, for temporary lodging, even though I took two weeks of "Mental Stress" vacation and left my house empty to spend time with family. She writes me and tell me how unfair I am ,"Kicking her out of the house" and not "Supporting her", even though I did without so that she had things, even though she had her own money.

There are a few positive things that I have gotten out of this whole thing though. I have gotten sobriety through alot of help and encouragement, I have been clean and sober for 38 days now, I have lost 30 lbs(stress is an awesome diet) and I have been re-establishing my realtionship with the one that I call God. We are both Christians and through my studies have seen that this is wrong in many ways, some my fault, some not.

I guess this brings me to my questions

 

1.If she thought the alcohol was a problem, then why didn't she take off before hand?

2. Was she truly in love with me or was she just in a "Wedding" mood?

3.HOw do you put up with a person's worst and then leave just when things are getting a little better, not knowing how things are going to turn out

4.How do you fall out of love this quick, or has she been done for a while looking for a way out?

5.How do I cope with this and move on. I have a hard time not thinking about her, wanting to call her(even though I haven't)

She hasn't changed her address yet, I haven't been served papers yet, and I am still holding out what I am beliveing to be a false hope. I pray that things would work out, but I am just not seeing how things could.

There are plenty of things that I left out on her part, but to be fair to her, I am just showing my faults and not hers. Her main one is that she thinks she has none and that all of this is my fault.

Please comment as you wish, but please do not pass judgement on me; I have gotten enough of that lately as it is.

Thanks for listening.

Me

[Lor]

Hey Me,

 

I am so proud of you.

 

Keep your chin up and follow the "rules" of separation. If you don't have them, I'll post them for you. sounds like you are doing a lot of them already. You've kicked yourself a good one in the gonads, now quit doing that. Quit blaming yourself for the state of your marriage. You've done the work, you've turned yourself around, don't lose site of that!

 

She's trying to make this all your fault, turning herself into the victim. Why should you have to support her if she moved out? You don't, unless you have kids. she's made her bed, let her lie in it.

 

As far as your questions, if the drinking was an issue, she'd be supporting you. Or she could be waiting to see if its real. Only she knows if she was truely in love with you when she married you. Maybe she's one of those that thinks that marriage would "change" you, get you to stop drinking or at least slow down and when it didn't, her dissolution reared its ugly head and started to eat away.

 

Keep working on yourself. You could ask her all the things about you that she finds negative. Its hard to hear but that makes working on them easier--for youself, not her. You will be the better person for yourself after this, whether she's in the picture or not.

 

I have a friend that I always call the hardest working alcoholic I know. :lmao: and he is. No matter how drunk he is or how late he's stayed up, he's at work on time and sober before you know it. He's also one of the few people I would rely on. My father was an alcoholic, and it sounds like you were there or at least on the brink. Alcohol does not make the person, remember that and keep us posted.

[Guest]

Hey Me,

 

I am so proud of you.

 

Keep your chin up and follow the "rules" of separation. If you don't have them, I'll post them for you. sounds like you are doing a lot of them already. You've kicked yourself a good one in the gonads, now quit doing that. Quit blaming yourself for the state of your marriage. You've done the work, you've turned yourself around, don't lose site of that!

 

She's trying to make this all your fault, turning herself into the victim. Why should you have to support her if she moved out? You don't, unless you have kids. she's made her bed, let her lie in it.

 

As far as your questions, if the drinking was an issue, she'd be supporting you. Or she could be waiting to see if its real. Only she knows if she was truely in love with you when she married you. Maybe she's one of those that thinks that marriage would "change" you, get you to stop drinking or at least slow down and when it didn't, her dissolution reared its ugly head and started to eat away.

 

Keep working on yourself. You could ask her all the things about you that she finds negative. Its hard to hear but that makes working on them easier--for youself, not her. You will be the better person for yourself after this, whether she's in the picture or not.

 

I have a friend that I always call the hardest working alcoholic I know. :lmao: and he is. No matter how drunk he is or how late he's stayed up, he's at work on time and sober before you know it. He's also one of the few people I would rely on. My father was an alcoholic, and it sounds like you were there or at least on the brink. Alcohol does not make the person, remember that and keep us posted.

 

Thanks so much for the words of support, it is that support that I am getting from people that are just meeting me that is getting me through it.

I do think I was on the brink of being a full blown alcoholic, hopefully this kick in the gonads as you call it is the wake up call that I needed.

I would really appreciate the "rules" I tried searching for them and couldn't find them.

As said, I don't think the drinking was the real issue, just her way "out" When I decided to quit, all the sudden other stuff came out, very trivial stuff, leaving clothes on the floor, leaving the toilet seat up, etc. If that were grounds for divorce, I think the stats would be much higher ;-)

I am trying very much to worry about my self, and what I need to change about me. The hard part is getting through my day without thinking about her all the time. I know its not healthy, and I am trying to work on it, but as bad as she treated me and as suddenly as she left, I am still deeply in love with her. I told her as she left, that I loved her and didn't want her to go, but that I couldn't stop her. Not knowing where she is or if she's ok is the worst part. I know she ended up in some sub par apartment that I wouldn't want her in, but as you said I can't really worry about her, and let her lie in the bed that she made.

The bad part of all this is the fact that I don't think she has any remorse, or at least none that I've heard of. That's the way she always was though; never wrong, so why should she feel bad. That's what her mommy has told her, I have no doubts. I definitely think that my mom-in-law had a lot to do with this.

As far as support, I think she has realized that is not going to happen. I have already consulted lawyers, and they all sing a similar tune: she deserted me, leaving me with all the household bills. Add that to the fact that we were only married 2 months, and she is not going to be entitled to anything. PLUS she makes more money than I do, so there ya go.

Trust me, I have heard all that's wrong with me and more. That's all I heard for a while, and got used to it. It's quite the laundry list, I must say. But, anytime I tried to turn the tide and give some constructive critcism, that's when the arguments started.

I am getting through day by day and through alot of prayer and reflection. I just can't belive the pain that I am going through. I have broken legs, had stiches, etc and this is the worst pain that I have ever expierenced.

Would I want her back? Sure, but as much as I would like her back, I have come to two conclusions: First, I don't think that she is coming back despite my wishes. I am not going to go and make a fool of myself by obessing over her, and making myself crazy in the process. Second, I don't know that I would be able to handle her the way that she is right now, her mood swings, her anger and her denial of her faults. If she were to come back, the only way it would work is if she was willing to get help for her problems. Then, maybe we could work on rebuilding our relationship that had gone awry.

But, that's a moot point if she doesn't come back. I am going to work on myself and work past this. At this point, I am preparing for the worst, and if the best happens, then it can be a surprise to me. If its meant to be, it will be, if not, then the person I was meant to be with is out there somewhere. I can't help but to wonder if the only reason we were meant to be together is to save me from myself, and that job being started there is nothing left.... I don't know and that is the hardest part.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice.

Me (I don't want to reveal my name in the event that she or one of her friends may read this)

[Lor]

Hi Me. No problem being anonymous. Here's the "rules" for you. Keep hanging in there. You sound like a very strong man with a good head on his shoulders; we women here should be so lucky. I've met so many nice men and women on here......

 

You're right; if her Mom is like that and is involved, she's got her shoulder to cry on and she can do no wrong. yeah, the painful feelings are the hardest part, and thinking too much about everything. But it does get easier, really. You've accomplished more on this list in a very short amount of time than most people accomplish in a year. You will come out a better person in the end and don't lose sight of that. Learn from your mistakes (for heaven sake Yes! put down the toilet seat!), and if there will be another woman in your life later on, she will appreciate your strength and will appreciate what another so callously threw away.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

[Guest]

Hi Me. No problem being anonymous. Here's the "rules" for you. Keep hanging in there. You sound like a very strong man with a good head on his shoulders; we women here should be so lucky. I've met so many nice men and women on here......

 

You're right; if her Mom is like that and is involved, she's got her shoulder to cry on and she can do no wrong. yeah, the painful feelings are the hardest part, and thinking too much about everything. But it does get easier, really. You've accomplished more on this list in a very short amount of time than most people accomplish in a year. You will come out a better person in the end and don't lose sight of that. Learn from your mistakes (for heaven sake Yes! put down the toilet seat!), and if there will be another woman in your life later on, she will appreciate your strength and will appreciate what another so callously threw away.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

 

LOL, The toilet seat thing I am working on, and I'll be honest with you, My house has never been cleaner. I was never allowed to "Clean" my way, and she did it her way , which consisited of taking 4 small piles of junk and putting them in 1 pile. Laundry was always half way, maybe get them to the dryer but that was it; we lived out of the dryer. Never had clothes in my drawer, unless I did my own which towards the end, I did. Now my house is spotless, that's what keeps me busy. Plus, my house is nice to come home to now.

Thanks for giving me the vote of confidence, calling me strong; I have been told that a few times lately, but in certain times, when I have to leave my office to go to the bathroom and cry for 15 min, I just don't feel that way. I have, however, through this found a newfound strength and faith in the higher power that I call Jesus Christ, my Lord and savior. I won't go into a religious speach, but that is helping me alot. I have found alot of new friends with the church, and now with this forum. I can say what I am feeling, without having to look at someone and read their body language.

Again, thanks for the advice and kind words. I will definitly be using everyone here as a shoulder to cry on. My mom, God bless her is definitly emotionally biased and I am trying to keep her abreast of the situation, but she is not telling me I am perfect, never has, never will. She tells it like it is. That's what I need at the this point. Some days, when I am wallowing in self pity, she will tell me quite simply, "Get Over it" and get off the pity potty.

Oh well, I gotta get to lunch.

Thanks all.

Me

[Lor]

None of us feel very strong when we are going thru this. If I'd had to hear one more person tell me how strong I was, I was going to scream! And you are not the only one who's had to escape to the bathroom for 15 minutes. I've hibernated in my cube for days, willing everyone to just go away and let me die in my sorrow. I did that for days in a row, for months.

 

I am blessed with in-laws that are very supportive, of me especially. They don't interfere or offer advice, even when asked. I've used their shoulders many times (my parents live very far away) and they understand why I must do what I must do.

 

A clean house also allows for serenity and peace. When my house is dirty, I can't think straight. But with 3 kids, 2 cats, 2 ferrets, 2 hermit crabs, fish, and now 6 little kittens, my house doesn't stay clean for long.....

[dgiirl]

Oh sheesh, i cried nearly 24-7 for 6 months on the bathroom floor... bathroom at home, bathroom at work, bathroom at friends. God i'm sick of the bathroom lol Your mom sounds like a great support system! I was blessed with a few like that who just told me like it was. It was exactly what I needed. I didnt want to hear everything was his fault and he was scum (tho sometimes that helped too), I just needed someone to hear me out, but when I got too poor me, they kicked me in the behind. And that's EXACTLY what i needed. It gave me strength to fight this. Keep doing what you are doing! It's a long rocky rollercoaster of emotions, but you'll see things starting to improve as time goes on and you keep the effort onto yourself.

 

Congratulations on your sobriety! Especially during times like this, stay away from the booze. It will just make the healing process so much worse.

[DieselPWR]

Yup, that's what I need some time, is a good swift kick in the butt! Doesn't feel good at the time, but feel good a few minutes later.

I am getting less of "Poor Me" syndrome, espcially since I found this forum that makes me realize I am not the only one in this situation.

Day by day, I am getting better, then the rollercoaster gets me once in a while, and whoosh! down I go for a few minutes and then right back up.

Booze, I don't even wanna think about had bad off I would be right now, had I kept up. I would've probably been in jail or worse. I don't need that for sure. Sobriety sucked for the first few weeks, but I have found a support system that is really great and I am getting through it.

Me

[Lor]

I am getting less of "Poor Me" syndrome, espcially since I found this forum that makes me realize I am not the only one in this situation.

 

Its quite a reality check to realize how many other people are going thru the same feelings you have, even if not the same situation. It makes you feel less alone. Seems like we all go thru the same ups and downs, the same rollercoaster. You listen to people when they first come in and the progress they make. I used to drive along, see a couple together in their car and think why can't my relationship be that easy. You don't think that they have problems, too, that only you do. Friends are good but not always objective, downright mean or will be too tactful cuz they are too close. I had one woman here in my office who went thru a nasty divorce, when she found out I was separated, made a comment about congrats on both of us getting rid of the worst decision we ever made. and I thought, "wait a second! don't lump me in with you."

[Colombiana]

You sound like a great guy-such a shame that she behaved so horribly and caddily. It sounds like she just was planning for the wedding not the marriage. So many of us Women in the US get caught up in the peer pressure of making everything look so good - but there's no foundation to any of it-

 

Geez..alcoholism? for drinking a couple times a week? after how hard one works in the USA, and then the homelife situation you described -that's considered alcoholism?- glad I don't live there...sounds like you needed something to take the edge off.

 

no but really, it took me a loooooooooooong time to get over my ex. My faith, ( I am Catholic) pulled me through big time. You'll be fine and God has a plan for you. In my darkest days I had that posted by my bed- God has a plan for me. I will keep you in my prayers but it sounds like you are on a great track, havea supportive family, and some people here on this loveshack have fantastic insight.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Lor]

Geez..alcoholism? for drinking a couple times a week? after how hard one works in the USA, and then the homelife situation you described -that's considered alcoholism?- glad I don't live there...sounds like you needed something to take the edge off.

 

There is a difference between taking the edge off and drinking until your slobbering drunk. My H drinks, so do our friends, and although I didn't use to, I do now . Compared to a lot of people my H and our friends would be considered alcoholics but are they really? I don't think so. My Dad would hide bottles in the bathroom, would fill a Mylanta bottle to take to work and even when he was sober you could smell it on him; that's an alcoholic.

 

Regardless of that, if the drinking becomes an issue then there's a problem. Me, you've gotten "past" that part and you should be proud of yourself for seeing what it was doing to your life. but don't keep dwelling on it as defining who you were. For my part, I won't bring it up to you again unless you bring it up to me. Kinda like when you quit smoking, talking about it makes the cravings worse (IMO).

[Mz. Pixie]

Not trying to bash this guy but lets not forget he's an alcoholic.

It's not something she can fix for him, not does her behavior "push" him into drinking. He drinks because he has a problem.

 

His recovery should be his main focus now, not this relationship.

 

To the OP- are you attending meeting? As in AA?? That'd be real helpful in trying to get clean and sober for good. Then, perhaps she might come around if she saw you were really sorry for your actions and trying to change.

 

She sounds awfully immature, but I cannot slam someone for leaving someone with a drinking problem.

[DieselPWR]

I am going to tackle a few things that have been said. If anyone here takes offense, I apologize in advance.

Thank you for the kind words and gestures, and prayers. I like to think that I am a great guy sometimes, but also there is a side of me that I need to change and am changing.

I am not going to get into my recovery methods deeply, but a combination of AA and religion are my main focus at this point.I cannot make any excuses for my past, just learn from my mistakes

I hope that I may get a chance to prove to her that I am who she orginally fell in love with, but as stated in other posts, I have done what I can do; it takes two to make this work and I am doing my part. If she decides to do hers, then so be it. If not, so be it

I am changing and not for anyone but myself. I am happier now without the bottle controlling me. She is not a reason that I drank, although at the time , I might have used that as an excuse, now I realize that it wasn't her, it was me. Reagardless, she still has anger issues that she needs to work on. I pray for her everynight that she find peace, and happiness, whether or not its with me. I know that given a second chance, I could be a better person. So, yes, I am concentrating on two things. My recovery, and my relationship. They are independent of each other and each one is in a differnt part of my brain.

But thank you for putting the other side of the coin out there. Its not all her fault, at all; I had a part in this and have to live with my consequences and I will. May god bless all those still suffering, both the person drinking, and the person that supports that person. There is always a way out, which way is up to you:)

[DieselPWR]

"For my part, I won't bring it up to you again unless you bring it up to me. Kinda like when you quit smoking, talking about it makes the cravings worse "

Don't sweat it, I have no cravings, I have peace and happiness and love.

Me

[Lor]

Don't sweat it, I have no cravings, I have peace and happiness and love.

Me

 

No offense but if that were totally true you wouldn't be on here.

 

All I was referring to by not bringing it up is that after a while the comments have to get annoying. That was the person you were, not the one you are now. You won't forget and that's a good thing, but you've worked on forgiving yourself and asking God's forgiveness for the weakness' you had. To rehash that life is detrimental. I've changed dramatically myself and would rather not dwell on my "previous life".

[DieselPWR]

Yeah, I guess your right. I have no cravings for booze is what I meant. Peace, happiness and love, well that comes and goes.

Cravings for my W? Every second. I have shot a short e-mail to her, see my other thread.

[Mz. Pixie]

I am not going to get into my recovery methods deeply, but a combination of AA and religion are my main focus at this point.I cannot make any excuses for my past, just learn from my mistakes

 

It's great to hear that you're using a combination of the two to beat this. I truly believe that AA incorporated with the help of a Higher Power is the road to success. That's great news.

 

Just so you know a little bit about my background. My father has been an alcoholic all my life- but he's been sober for over 30 years. He also was a sponsor in AA for years and years. So, I know alot about it. Everyone in his family but one sister has had an alcohol problem. My uncle on my mother side is a sober alcoholic at the moment. My half brother on my father's side is a homeless drug addict that we haven't heard from in 20 years. My mother was a drug addict- my half brother on her side is also a homeless alcoholic and drug addict.

 

Everyone in my family pretty much except for me has had a problem. So, I'm an expert in tough love and I'm not just throwing out solutions without a little knowledge of the subject!

[DieselPWR]

I also come from an alcoholic family, my father, grandfather, my brother (still in denial) all have been through the hard times.

It is truly a eye opening expierence that you go through when you walk through the doors. My mom was a testament to tough love; she was on the verge of leaving twice in 27 years and my dad saw that. Trust me, my dad was alot worse off than I ever was. Most people wouldn't even label me as an alcoholic, but I know that I was right at that point of no return. So through my Higher Power I am coming out of my pit. And what comes of it, I am not sure, but I do have my life back and everything else is secondary. If she can't live with my life, then I wish her the best of luck, I just think that she should at least see what the real me is like, but that's her decision not mine and I will support her either way. That's in my opinion, true love; letting go and Letting God.

Me