Princessa -- how to move on?

[Katherine]

Princessa (and other supporters!)

 

Thank you so much for your kind, soothing words. I finally did call my ex yesterday and we had a long discussion about his feelings. Basically, although he loves me and adores me, he feels deep in his heart, in his gut, that I am not 'the one.' His feelings for me are strong, otherwise we wouldn't have spent nearly a year together as we did...so close, so intimate.

 

Much of what he said was difficult to hear, but I needed to hear the facts. I kept thinking that if we could be the same country again, that it would work out. I told him that I was a hopeless romantic with a huge heart, and his response to me sums it all it up: 'I am too, I have that same capability. And if I felt that strongly about you, I'd be finding a way to the US or happily waiting for you here. But it's not the way I feel.'

 

So, that gentle confrontation of feelings did provide some further closure. Atleast I am fortunate in that he is being honest with me. But it still feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

 

I suppose in a way this relationship was more in the fantasy realm...not in real life. Kind of like those a beautiful summer romance that you get to extend for a year, but somewhere deep down inside you know it's not meant to be forever.

 

I hope that I can be stronger now, and move forward and let him go. The worst thing is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up, does that make sense?

 

so, how do you move on?

[Raven]

First off, be thankful he told you the truth, mine didnt even have the decency to do that! But from experience, I have found that the old adage "time heals all wounds" is true, as time goes by, you will learn to adapt and forget, believe me, I am a veteran of the broken heart syndrome. Even though I am in the same position you are right now, I have chosen to focus my attn on myself, joined TWO new gyms, getting back in the social arena, etc...they always say that living well is the best revenge and I tend to PROVE this theory, maybe you should try it. What do you have to lose? As a result you may become healthy and more social! Only positive things can come out of it. Do as I am trying to do, forget about THIS man and THE man will come eventually.............

 

Good Luck

 

Raven

Princessa (and other supporters!) Thank you so much for your kind, soothing words. I finally did call my ex yesterday and we had a long discussion about his feelings. Basically, although he loves me and adores me, he feels deep in his heart, in his gut, that I am not 'the one.' His feelings for me are strong, otherwise we wouldn't have spent nearly a year together as we did...so close, so intimate. Much of what he said was difficult to hear, but I needed to hear the facts. I kept thinking that if we could be the same country again, that it would work out. I told him that I was a hopeless romantic with a huge heart, and his response to me sums it all it up: 'I am too, I have that same capability. And if I felt that strongly about you, I'd be finding a way to the US or happily waiting for you here. But it's not the way I feel.'

 

So, that gentle confrontation of feelings did provide some further closure. Atleast I am fortunate in that he is being honest with me. But it still feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I suppose in a way this relationship was more in the fantasy realm...not in real life. Kind of like those a beautiful summer romance that you get to extend for a year, but somewhere deep down inside you know it's not meant to be forever. I hope that I can be stronger now, and move forward and let him go. The worst thing is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up, does that make sense? so, how do you move on?

[Princessa]

Princessa (and other supporters!) Thank you so much for your kind, soothing words. I finally did call my ex yesterday and we had a long discussion about his feelings. Basically, although he loves me and adores me, he feels deep in his heart, in his gut, that I am not 'the one.' His feelings for me are strong, otherwise we wouldn't have spent nearly a year together as we did...so close, so intimate. Much of what he said was difficult to hear, but I needed to hear the facts. I kept thinking that if we could be the same country again, that it would work out. I told him that I was a hopeless romantic with a huge heart, and his response to me sums it all it up: 'I am too, I have that same capability. And if I felt that strongly about you, I'd be finding a way to the US or happily waiting for you here. But it's not the way I feel.'

 

So, that gentle confrontation of feelings did provide some further closure. Atleast I am fortunate in that he is being honest with me. But it still feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I suppose in a way this relationship was more in the fantasy realm...not in real life. Kind of like those a beautiful summer romance that you get to extend for a year, but somewhere deep down inside you know it's not meant to be forever. I hope that I can be stronger now, and move forward and let him go. The worst thing is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up, does that make sense? so, how do you move on?

Hi Katherine. I really appreciate you corresponding with me this way. Of course the task would be too move on-- but perhaps not yet. I believe before we can really move on we need to understand our experiences and make sense of them. Perhaps it makes more sense now that you have spoken with him, but to be honest, I don't buy his story. It's just not how I understand love to work. To quote Mandy Aftel in

 

THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE, (a book I HIGHLY recommend):

 

Not everything that happens is for the best,

 

and redescription can be fraudulent as well as

 

enlightening. "I didn't really want to go out

 

with her anyway," "I can quit drinking whenever

 

I want to." Understanding and accepting that

 

some experiences MUST bring regret and remorse... you should aim for rediscriptions that

 

captures your loss, pain, and regret as well as

 

your joys. [p. 51]

 

His reaction, in other words, sounds a lot like sour grapes to me, and this incongruity probably isn't helping your recovery that much, nor is it abetting your grief (I would think.) You'll pardon my strong opinion, but I see love as an action at least as much as it is a feeling, and it sounds like in your time together the two of you experienced some of its peaks. This kind of experience is often both beautiful and un-duplicatable, and perhaps the only thing missing-- then as now-- is a bit more grounding.

 

I believe this man is protecting himself from pain and regret in saying this, but just because he is doesn't mean that YOU have to.

 

I also don't particularly believe in this concept of "the one." I believe more than anything else it is action which makes love real, rather than any particular person.

 

Does this feedback help make sense of your experience and help heal it?

[Miss Mojo]

i posted this message in reply to your original post, but missed this one (whoops!), so i have cut and paste my reply here, in case you missed it

 

============================================================

 

hi katherine,

 

whilst i have never had a long-distance relationship, i can very much sympathise with how you are feeling right now.

 

not too long ago, i had a relationship that i would describe exactly as you described yours - loving, full of affection, lots of fun, committed, very smooth, and very natural - until he pulled the rug from under my feet and broke it off with me. everything seemed to be going along just fine, just like it always had. but obviously for him, it wasn't, otherwise he would not have called it quits.

 

i found the breakdown of this relationship extremely painful because, while it lasted, it was the kind of relationship that everyone envies. i was incredibly happy, in la-la land until i felt like i'd had my right arm removed. i realise now that part of my problem was getting "lost" in the relationship..consumed by it to a degree. it was so important to me, but at the same time, i failed to take the realistic view of "hey...this MAY not last forever, so don't bank on it". i also feel that a massive part of my pain could have been attributed to convincing myself subconciously that he was "the one"....turns out he wasn't even though he used to often talk about us having a future.

 

i know losing a relationship that seemed so promising hurts like hell. i cried, i lost my appetite, i cried some more, i tried to analyse the situation (THE WORST THING TO DO), i lost confidence in myself temporarily....the usual "side-effects" or "withdrawal effects" of not getting the love drug anymore.

 

in hindsight, i think getting over it involved a lot of writing (very cathartic), talking to friends, a bit of soul searching, a sh*t load of tears, and taking each day as it comes and knowing that with each new day, i was one day closer to getting over that loss. good days mixed with bad days are inevitable. a few times i found myself crying at work and felt like a complete tosser. i'd never had that happen before and it was so overwhelming. knowing that i wasn't the only person to ever feel that way and that his decision to break up with me had nothing to do with me as a person helped too.

 

i wish i could give you a list of guaranteed ways to get over that ex, but unfortunately i can't, other than to say look after number one, know that for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be and that in a painful way you now have the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and what you want and a door has now been opened for THE ONE. i know you don't feel these things now, but believe me, you will in time...and how time flies. i thought the first few months after our break-up would be the longest months of my life. how wrong i was. i was nowhere near over it for a while, but i honestly feel ok now. i miss him and i will always love him, but i don't hurt anymore.

 

you'll find yourself healing and you won't even be aware of it. you'll get there.

 

best wishes

[Katherine]

Princessa

 

Yes, your analysis is helpful. But I do think it begs the question: was it really love? Yes, when I was with him, it sure seemed that way. I never felt so loved and adored. But really in the final analysis, he took no risks. Now looking back, I can see that he never really gave himself to me the same way I was giving myself to him. Maybe it was because my possible departure was looming -- like a grey cloud -- we both knew my ability to stay in the country was in jeopardy without the job.

 

so, I don't know if it was love. Love as you and I may know it...

 

Thanks again for your thoughts on this.

Hi Katherine. I really appreciate you corresponding with me this way. Of course the task would be too move on-- but perhaps not yet. I believe before we can really move on we need to understand our experiences and make sense of them. Perhaps it makes more sense now that you have spoken with him, but to be honest, I don't buy his story. It's just not how I understand love to work. To quote Mandy Aftel in THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE, (a book I HIGHLY recommend): Not everything that happens is for the best,

 

and redescription can be fraudulent as well as enlightening. "I didn't really want to go out with her anyway," "I can quit drinking whenever I want to." Understanding and accepting that some experiences MUST bring regret and remorse... you should aim for rediscriptions that captures your loss, pain, and regret as well as your joys. [p. 51] His reaction, in other words, sounds a lot like sour grapes to me, and this incongruity probably isn't helping your recovery that much, nor is it abetting your grief (I would think.) You'll pardon my strong opinion, but I see love as an action at least as much as it is a feeling, and it sounds like in your time together the two of you experienced some of its peaks. This kind of experience is often both beautiful and un-duplicatable, and perhaps the only thing missing-- then as now-- is a bit more grounding. I believe this man is protecting himself from pain and regret in saying this, but just because he is doesn't mean that YOU have to. I also don't particularly believe in this concept of "the one." I believe more than anything else it is action which makes love real, rather than any particular person. Does this feedback help make sense of your experience and help heal it?