Games and the Inevitable Pitfall (Long)

[superfreak]

So...

 

I'm going to apologize right off the bat for the potential of being long-winded, but I really have something I have to get off my chest before it eats me alive.

 

Here's the deal:

 

There's this guy at my office who routinely flirts with me, and I mean he lays it on thick. For a while, he had a girlfriend, so I just kind of ignored it for creepiness. Now, he and his girlfriend have broken up and he's gone ahead with the flirting full-throttle. Now for my mistake...

 

I have had the misfortune of making the mistake of workplace romances before and I know the deal with these things; the woman usually ends up getting the shaft (both literally and figuratively), demonized as a whore, gossiped about, ostracized by her female co-workers, routinely pursued by her single male co-workers, and eventually being shamed out of a job if things go sour. Or at least that was MY experience to some degree...

 

At any rate, so going into this whole shenanigan with that experience under my belt, one would think that I would play it straight, hang with the other women in the office, and proceed with caution where men are concerned. But no... I have to engage in the flirting -- in some cases, some pretty foul stuff that I would feel comfortable telling to a gay best friend or another woman, but not to someone who I know is actively trying to run a game on me unless of course I were willing to reciprocate those efforts (which I'm not). So, I've tried to minimize what I think is inevitable disaster by establishing some clear boundaries up front: "This is only for fun. There will be nothing romantic to come of this. I am not interested." I mean, point blank, straightforward "Don't expect anything improper from me. I'm only talking junk to you because you're game for it."

 

I know that I shouldn't have done that. It was a trap, and I fell into it face first. So, now, given the situation, I know that I need to break things off in that way, say something to the effect of, "I know that it was OK for us to talk this way at one point, but now I think things are starting to get a little serious. I don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt, and I certainly don't want the appearance of impropriety nor do I want to get into any kind of professional trouble." What I'm afraid of is that it will backfire (once again, I have had this experience as well), where I will be (once again) demonized as a woman of loose ethics and made the butt of people's jokes.

 

So...

If anyone has any experience or advice, or even just a soothing word, it would be greatly appreciated.

[mariJane]

dont do it you will be the one to lose your job, just think of him as only friend until he quits or something,

i just went through all that **** you said,

its true, the only way feeling that f'n used wont happen is if you know eo well enough to trust that you will talk to eo and not others or something along those lines you know, like a solid foundation, like you guys have been hanging out for a couple years before the romance is introduced,

i am on ls right now cuz of that **** k DONT DO IT AGAIN, DONT EVEN SAY ANYTHING JUST QUIT, saying something might just fuel the fire, just quit ok

good luck

everybody agree with that advice?

[Mary3]

So...

 

I'm going to apologize right off the bat for the potential of being long-winded, but I really have something I have to get off my chest before it eats me alive.

 

Here's the deal:

 

There's this guy at my office who routinely flirts with me, and I mean he lays it on thick. For a while, he had a girlfriend, so I just kind of ignored it for creepiness. Now, he and his girlfriend have broken up and he's gone ahead with the flirting full-throttle. Now for my mistake...

 

I have had the misfortune of making the mistake of workplace romances before and I know the deal with these things; the woman usually ends up getting the shaft (both literally and figuratively), demonized as a whore, gossiped about, ostracized by her female co-workers, routinely pursued by her single male co-workers, and eventually being shamed out of a job if things go sour. Or at least that was MY experience to some degree...

 

At any rate, so going into this whole shenanigan with that experience under my belt, one would think that I would play it straight, hang with the other women in the office, and proceed with caution where men are concerned. But no... I have to engage in the flirting -- in some cases, some pretty foul stuff that I would feel comfortable telling to a gay best friend or another woman, but not to someone who I know is actively trying to run a game on me unless of course I were willing to reciprocate those efforts (which I'm not). So, I've tried to minimize what I think is inevitable disaster by establishing some clear boundaries up front: "This is only for fun. There will be nothing romantic to come of this. I am not interested." I mean, point blank, straightforward "Don't expect anything improper from me. I'm only talking junk to you because you're game for it."

 

I know that I shouldn't have done that. It was a trap, and I fell into it face first. So, now, given the situation, I know that I need to break things off in that way, say something to the effect of, "I know that it was OK for us to talk this way at one point, but now I think things are starting to get a little serious. I don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt, and I certainly don't want the appearance of impropriety nor do I want to get into any kind of professional trouble." What I'm afraid of is that it will backfire (once again, I have had this experience as well), where I will be (once again) demonized as a woman of loose ethics and made the butt of people's jokes.

 

So...

If anyone has any experience or advice, or even just a soothing word, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

You basically told him " Hey I can play around with you , this is fun "

 

When it got hotter you backed off. You have every right to now say " I realize I should not have played with you , it was wrong and I won't be doing it anymore "

 

Even though people might talk and he could continue to harass you, once you say STOP and he does not then you need to warn him that the fun is over , you made a mistake and you would take further steps if he does not stop.

 

He was wrong to start it ( sexual harassment ) and you were wrong to go along with it. You want it to stop now. Tell him.

 

You may have made some mistakes here and hopefully you won't play in the work force anymore because its a LOSE lose situation. But the real idea here is that you don't want to play anymore. Let people talk . Stand by what you want .